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I need advice... again.

I thought about posting on the TIP thread however I didn't have the best luck with the national board when planning the wedding so I am sorry to burden y'all again.

So since the last advice post the money spending has continued and I don't think I touched on this last time but he has been staying out all night, a few nights a week. Usually he's playing hockey and I've gone with him before to play so I know the rink where he plays does stay open until about 2am-3am however Sunday morning he came to bed around 8am.  My alarm went off at 7:45am, I hit snooze, that's good for about 9 minutes.  He wasn't in bed.  I laid there, my back to the door, he creeps in bed, my alarm goes off again.  I get up, ask why he just got into bed.  He says, I didn't.  I took a shower and went to Church.  He came over to my parents' house later that afternoon for their cookout, acted odd all day.  Sunday night I asked him (calmly) why he came to bed at 8am he lied and said he came to bed at 6am.  When I explained what I wrote above he said, that when he took our dog out that's when my alarm went off.  I told him that was 7:45am.  He said, Oh.  I asked what he was doing, he didn't answer. 

This is way personal but I believe it needs to be said.  We haven't been intimate since February.  He always tells me he's not in the mood.  It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  We've never had this problem before and I feel powerless because I'm not going to force myself on him. 

We haven't slept a whole night together in I can't even tell you how long.  He never comes to bed with me.  We're rarely in the same room for more than 20 minutes, unless we're watching tv. 

My "anger management issue" hasn't come up again, I've watched myself very closely to make sure I'm not raising my voice or nagging about something silly.  I've never thrown anything or done anything of the sort, ever.  And while I think about that day when he told me about all that I find myself analyzing things he's done, like the time we were arguing about him telling his buddies to check out this girl's myspace because she was "hot" and he'd talked to her all afternoon and she was so cool and he drew his fist back at me like he was going to punch me.  And then denied it later like I wasn't there and didn't see it. 

He seems like a different man than who I married and sometimes it scares me.

I plan on sitting him down this week and having an intense talk about everything I'm feeling and offering to go to couseling with my pastor.  Although, because he's not Lutheran he never wants to go to my church which I respect but that leads me to believe he won't want to talk to my pastor since he doesn't know him.  We can't afford counseling right now so that's pretty much the only option we have. 

Again, ladies I'm sorry.  The good friends I have that I explained this to say I should divorce him and cut my losses while I can.  But I would like some insight from people who aren't emotionally invested in the relationship or biased.  Thanks.

Re: I need advice... again.

  • Sweetie everything you are explaining was a part of what was going on with Brian and I before we divorced. If you love him, then I would say try to get him to see your pastor. If you can't and you can't afford counseling, I don't know what else you could do (hopefully the other girls have some advice here). Lying is a big no-no. You deserve to know where he is at 2am. Seriously though, does he have to be out at 2am every night? Did he forget he was married? And NO MAN should ever draw a fist on a woman. You are a beautiful, intelligent, hard working woman. I pray he recongnizes that and wants to work on your marriage.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My head's not in a good place (thinking about my mom) right now, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was thinking about you and hoping for the best.

    HUGS
  • ((HUGS))  I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.  I can only imagine how hard all of this has to be on you.  I definitely think marriage counseling might be the best option for you two if you still believe there is hope it could work out. 

    If he doesn't want to go to your church because of the Lutheran status, our church offers free marital counseling.  It is a non-denominational church in New Albany.  The people that are in charge of it are wonderful.  It's Quest Community Church right off of 161.  The phone # is 614-939-2100.  Let me know if you would like further information. 

  • (((Hugs))) sweetie!  I am really sorry you are going through all this.  I think counseling would be the best thing for you all.  And go wherever you can to get it.  The PP has a great suggestion. 

    When he doesn't answer where he has been all night, do you press him for an answer?  Or just kinda drop it?  You deserve to know where he has been.  An intense conversation seems in order and even if you must do that in front of a counselor to help lead the conversation.  I hope things get better for you.  Keep us posted and hang in there!

  • I forgot to add:  my email is megancoriell at hotmail.com
  • I'm really sorry you're going thru all this.  I agree w/the other girls...you do deserve to know where YOUR husband is!  Marriage is all about trust and right now that does not sound strong!  Have you checked to see if your insurance maybe offers couceling?    Also..have you considered writing him a letter and leaving it for him.  That way you can calmly put into writing your thoughts, fears etc.  He can read it and maybe just mabye seeing it in writing while you're not 'discussing it' will help him see your concerns...see things from your side. 
      It is NEVER ok for a man to raise a fist to a lady.  If he EVER strikes, walk away right then!  Don't make excuses or accept reasons...just walk out!
      You love him or you would not be on here trying to figure it out.  Anything worth it...is worth working on...however sometimes no matter how much you do work on it...it takes 2 to make it work!

      Good luck and remember we are ALWAYS here for you! 
    (((((((hugs))))))))
    Beth
  • I've been thinking about you since you first posted... thanks for updating us.

    I hate to be blunt but you see all the signs here, right?  If he's not cheating, he's doing something else that he shouldn't be doing and you deserve an answer when you ask him.  If you weren't asking, you'd be in denial, but you ARE asking and he SHOULD answer you. 

    Considering the details you've provided I'd say there are some serious issues going on and yes, counseling would be great.  But if he won't go and he won't open up and start telling you what's going on you need to get tough.  It's not fair to you to be treated this way, and it's not your fault, it takes two.  Regardless, you don't want to continue living this way and you shouldn't have to. 

    Good luck with your talk.  Stay strong.
  • Thank you ladies.  Megan, I am very interested in the option you suggested if he says no to my pastor.

    I asked him probably 3 times why he came to bed so late and first he said he came in at 6am.  Then he said his friend was over and left at 6am.  When I asked what he did with the other 2 hours he didn't really respond.  Then he said that he was taking out our dog when my alarm went off at 7:45am. (not sure how he heard it if he was outside though.)  So after I got three different answers I dropped it for the time being because I was laying in bed about to go to sleep and I didn't want to hear another lie.  I told my sister and BIL about how he got into bed at 8am.  My BIL is convinced he has a porn addiction.  Who knows.  He tells me he doesn't look at porn.  His computer is password protected and I can't even get to his desktop so even if I wanted to check his history for porn I couldn't.  And quite frankly I don't want to snoop around his computer, I shouldn't have to.  But he sure does act like he has something to hide.  He's been known to have "cyber sex" but he claims that was before we dated. 

    Ugh.

  • Hopefully he'll be open to the suggestion.  Just let me know and I can see if I can help in any way.  Feel free to page me on this board or email me at anytime.  Hang in there .
  • I'm so sorry that you're going through this girl- and there's no need to apologize to us. I just feel bad for you. ((hugs)) I agree with the other girls, something is happening in your marriage and you DO deserve to know what it is.

    About going to see your pastor- you may want to consider offering to go to a neutral 3rd party first instead, such as the free counseling at the other church. He may see your pastor as biased towards you and feel defensive and close up. Either way, I pray that he's open to working on your marriage and getting these things resolved. Best wishes to you.
  • I'm really sorry you're going through this. I went through some similar things before I got divorced.

    Everyone else has already said it, but run, don't walk, to counseling. Even if you did end up divorcing and cutting your losses, as your friends say, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything you could. If he won't go to your pastor (and I agree with Jannypie, he might feel like he'll be on your "side"), then find someone else. There are low cost or free alternatives. Do you have insurance? Mine paid for our counseling and we only had to pay $10 a session.

    I do think that the sooner you start talking to him (and hopefully an outside professional) about this, the sooner you can either start getting answers or making things better. It's difficult, but you'll be happier in the long run.

    Good luck!!!!! Stay strong. :)
  • Maybe I have been watching too much "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO but going to counseling by yourself might not be a bad idea (if he refuses to go with you).  Has he agreed to go to counseling with you?  Have you suggested it before?  I have to agree again with the PP's.  **Run** to counseling and 3rd party might not be a bad idea.  And really, truly check into your insurance.  If very well may cover your first couple of sessions.  I know mine pays for up to 8 sessions for free.  And then after that it's minimal.  HTH!  (((Hugs again)))
  • I don't have anymore advice than pp, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this.

    (((Hugs)))

  • I second everything Sue said...I'd also been thinking about you and wondering how things were going. My husband is a cop and I know that's what you want to do, and I just kind of have a soft spot in my heart for those people.

    Also, like pp said, don't ever apologize for getting stuff like this off your chest, especially to us! You can't hold that in without driving yourself crazy.

    Third, I'd be a lot harsher and less forgiving of Joe's actions and attitudes than most of the pp, so I'm not going to say much more. I'd just second that you absolutely deserve some answers and you absolutely should not expect to live like that and accept it. Best of luck to you. You're in my prayers.
  • I would just like to add something: in the meantime (while waiting for counseling, sorting this out, etc) you need to take care fo yuorself financially. Do you have seperate money? You need to start saving/be aware of your accounts you share with him, and make sure he doesn't leave you high and dry, and poor.
  • Excellent point.  Hopefully you already have an account that is your own...that he doesn't have access to.  And drop a little (or alot) of money in there to make sure you are all set.  Regardless of what happens.  Is the house in your name?
  • ((HUGS)) I have been wondering how things were going, so I'm glad you have posted this update although it breaks my heart to read it.

    I really hope he will agree to counseling whether it be with your minister, another minister at a different church, or a licensed counselor. I would definitely check with your insurance as I know some cover it...I also think Ohio State offers counseling...I know you guys aren't students but maybe the rates aren't terrible or more than you can afford.

    Unfortunately, the three things that popped in my head when I was reading this were: he's cheating,  involved in drugs, or gambling. I sincerely hope that none are the case, and that it's just that he is acting immature and not realizing what marriage is.  And I completely ditto what Meghan was saying about checking your money and preparing your finances. If he is into something illegal or gambling, then I would hate to see it come back to bite you in the ass especially when you are working so hard toward your goals in law enforcement.

    Please know that we all care about you on this board and you can come to us at any time.
  • (Big HUGS)

    I missed your previous post, sorry, I'm a bit out of the loop these days. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you're going through a rough time with your marriage. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I agree with the pp's in that counseling sounds like a really great idea and I hope Joe agrees to go with you. There is obviously something going on to make him act the way he's acting. I personally, cannot imagine a husband thinking it's o.k. to be out a lot and staying out until the wee hours of the morning. It sounds like he's forgetting that he's a married man and that something else is really on his mind. I'm so sorry.

    The bottom line is that you deserve to know what is up with your husband, why he's staying out so late and what he's up to in the middle of the night. It's definitely bizarre behavior. The other girls had a great point about checking your finances. Hopefully it doesn't sound negative, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

    We're all here for you whenever you need to talk. Try your best to stay positive and do NOT feel guilty about questioning Joe on anything. He is your husband and he owes you answers. I'll be praying for you. Keep your chin up. :)

  • Thank you ladies! I do have insurance (through my father still) but Joe doesn't so I will check and see how much that is, as well as the other options I was given.  Thank you SO much.

    I have started another account however when I received the paperwork in the mail (I opened it online) they just disappeared.  I have no clue where they went so I have to call and do it over the phone, which I plan  to do tonight while I'm at work.

    I don't know that Joe would see my pastor as biased because I'm not ubber close to him but I see y'alls point.  Pastor Hood did marry us and do our pre-marriage counseling so he knows both of us and that's why I thought we could go there but I will definitely offer the other suggestions too.

    I really don't think he will go so I'm not getting my hopes up.  Joe thinks that I have the problem.  And that he's not at fault for anything, it's very clear to me when I bring something up.  One day I asked him what he would do if I ever left.  He laughed and said, "You'll never leave me."  He just doesn't get it.

  • oh goodness. thats um... a nice answer there, buddy. >:-|

    i see why you'd want to go back to your pastor since you did the premarriage counseling. the third party is always a good option though also.

    honestly people who don't admit their own behavior very seldom end up changing it, but for you i pray that  joe is able to open up and be honest to you, and that you guys can work through this.

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