I ended up driving myself to the ER not long after I posted and got discharged around 5.
1 xray, 1 ultrasound, and 1 CT scan later, I finally got a diagnosis... kidney stone.
So my happy little self got some Vicodin in the hospital, and a prescription for some more, and was told that it would pass in 1-2 days. I'm hoping 1 day.
That sucked royally.