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Wouldn't you want to know if DH was cheating on you?

I'm surprised by a CNN.com poll where it's 50/50 on if you'd tell a friend if you knew their partner was cheating on them. I don't understand. The idea of "Stay out of it because it's between them" just doesn't apply in my humble opinion. In order for it to be "between them", BOTH parties would have to have full knowledge and therefore be able to make decisions concerning the future of their relationship.

Assuming there's no misunderstandings, it's a fact there is cheating going on, not just suspicions. Wouldn't you want to know?

Wouldn't you tell a friend if you knew their DH was cheating on them?

For debate sake (poll aside) would you tell ON a friend?

[Poll]
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Re: Wouldn't you want to know if DH was cheating on you?

  • Assuming I knew for a fact, not suspected. I would probably talk to the husband first and urge him to tell her so I wouldn't have to do it. If I just suspected I *might* express my concerns to my friend and let her do what she feels is right. I would drop it after that.
  • However, we have a friend who cheated on his fiance, and I didn't tell. I was also not supposed to know and don't know exactly what happened. 

    If my friend was the one who was cheated on, I would definitely want them to know and be able to make an informed decision.

  • A friend of mine had a four-month-long affair on his then-long term girlfriend. If I had known, I definitely would have told her, even though he was my friend first. I personally wouldn't have trusted my friend to own up to what he did, since he had already been lying to her for months.
  • DH and I were in a position like this a few years ago.. his childhood best friend had been dating this girl for a couple years, he joined the military and was stationed out of state for a while, she started running around him. Over the years I had become pretty good friends with the girl, and she was making very little effort to hide her?shenanigans?from me, so I confronted her first (before telling DH because I knew it would put him in an awkward/difficult position). When she continued to lie to her BF, I told DH and we confronted her together. When she STILL didn't chill, we confronted DH's friend together to tell him.. and crazy girl tried to deny everything (to no avail).?

    It was really difficult for DH to tell his friend because he knew how upsetting it would be, and he had a few moments of doubt over whether we were doing the right thing.. but we didn't feel like it was fair to just idly sit by and watch this good guy get played for a fool.

    Needless to say, crazy girl was quickly out of the picture and DH's friend moved on to bigger and better things. I think we did the right thing, and I hope any of my/our friends would have handled it the same way if the tables had been turned.

  • I was friends with both a husband and a wife and knew the wife was cheating. I did not tell the husband but instead encouraged the wife to make a decision to end the marriage or the affair. She tried to work on the marriage but in the end, it just couldn't overcome the affair. When it all came down to it, I lost the husband as a friend because HE was mad at me for not telling him, but since the wife was a closer friend, I still feel like I made the right choice. DH was mad at me for not telling BTW, as I didn't share knowledge of the affair with him.

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  • image Taytee:

    Assuming there's no misunderstandings, it's a fact there is cheating going on, not just suspicions. Wouldn't you want to know?

    Wouldn't you tell a friend if you knew their DH was cheating on them?

    For debate sake (poll aside) would you tell ON a friend?

    Been there, actually. And I chose not to tell on a friend. It wasn't my place to. 

    I think the catch is, how do you ever know for a fact that someone is cheating? In the case with my friend, she was spending enough time with the guy to raise suspicions, she was bringing him along and calling him when we went places, but I never saw them in an act of physical intimacy. For those of us around her, it was kind of clear that something was going on, even if they weren't sleeping together, but we never had any evidence of what that something was. I've known a couple of people that have been cheated on and one that was cheating and none of the cases were so clear cut that you could know for a fact. Despite what we're led to believe in movies and on tv, people are actually pretty discrete.

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  • Depends.

    If I knew he was cheating I would probably talk to him about it and then talk to her.

    If I knew he cheated I would leave it be and move on.

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  • image Chicklit:

    I think the catch is, how do you ever know for a fact that someone is cheating??

    In our case, Crazy Girl was?blatantly?lying to her BF about where she was, what she was doing, what she was spending HIS money on, etc. ?When she started constantly bringing up New Guy's name is when I confronted her to ask her what was going on... she made some excuses and questionable comments about how she handles her "loneliness" with BF being gone. She then took a trip out of town with New Guy on BF's dime (they had a shared acct).. that's when I got DH involved and we confronted her together. We knew for a fact that what she had told her BF about that weekend and what actually happened were two TOTALLY different stories, and even though we didn't see any physical acts of intimacy, the weeks and weeks of lying even after being confronted twice, and the way she was handling their/HIS money were enough for us to finally go to the BF.?

  • I'm going to have to take the "depends" option, too.

    Many years ago, a very close friend of mine was engaged to a fella who was a former co-worker of mine, and who I set her up with initially.  One weekend, she was out of town and I was at a party with the fella and several other friends.  After the party, one of the other friends told me the fella tried to kiss her and grope her. (An activity she declined to participate in.)  About the same time, a guy I knew told me he'd gone out to a bar with the fella and the fella was collecting phone numbers from other ladies.  Sooo. . .I told my friend.  She didn't believe me (or, as far as I know, talk to the other people involved to verify their stories) and chose to end our friendship.  It was a couple of years (and her broken engagement) before she started talking to me again.

    Do I regret telling her?  Yes.  I think I should have confronted the fella and "encouraged" him to tell her, or wait until I had actual proof he was cheating/trying to cheat instead of relying on reports from other folks.  At the time, I trusted the people who were telling on him, but in reality either one of them could have been lying for their own reasons.  (In fact, the second guy in the story WAS lying, because he had a crush on my friend.)  So now my policy is trust but verify and save the confrontation for the cheater, not the cheatee.

  • I answered Yes mostly out of the thought that if someone knew my husband was definitely having sex with someone else, I sure as hell would want to know. The whole "it's between them" thing kind of goes out the window when your spouse is sleeping with a 3rd person. My marriage, with all it's glory and all it's problems, is between my husband and me. But if he brought someone else into that, well that's another story.

    But reading some of your replies, I can definitely see different situations. I probably wouldn't intervene if they weren't married. I probably wouldn't get in the middle of it if I just suspected (even strongly). And who's to say I wouldn't chicken out and still not - even if I'd seen someone's husband in bed with another woman. I might be a big fat wimp.

    But knowing that someone is having an affair and not telling, basically adds up to a lie on your part. Example:

    Your DH is (theoretically Wink) having an affair.
    You find out and confront him.
    He says he didn't lie by not telling you. Uh, WRONG.

    I know it's not the same thing since technically H and W made vows and in those told the other one they weren't sleeping with someone else, but still .... you get the point. Not telling the truth is usually the same thing as a lie.

  • I found out about an affair after the couple had already filed for divorce.  There was a lot going on in the marriage and honestly - I felt at that time, there was no reason to tell him b/c it would just hurt everyone more. If they'd still been together, it would have been a different story.  But - I would have talked the offender first and told them they needed to tell or else I would.
  • I would definitely want to know if someone knew for a fact that DH was cheating on me. I would want to know if my DH started hanging out with some girl and I didn't know about it, even if they weren't sleeping together. Basically, if a friend witnessed my DH doing something out of line, I would want that friend to tell me.

    If I knew about an affair, I would confront the cheater first. 

    Business Cat. image
  • To answer the main question - I don't think I would want to know if my DH was cheating. I have been in this situation which is why I am now married to my 2nd husband. It was truly the hardest, most painful thing I've ever been through. The reason I don't think I would not want to know is because of how hard it was to get to the point where I trust again. Although I trust my husband now - it took a very long time to not wonder "what was really going on" if he talked to another woman/girl that wasn't family. I feel like the heartache of going through a divorce would have been easier to move on with if there wasn't the trust issue that was broke.

    However if I knew someone was cheating on someone else that I was actually close to, I would more than likely talk to the cheater and try and convince them to do the right thing, although I don't think it would be my place to say anything to the one being cheated on.

    Its just a very difficult situation that is awkward no matter who is involved - so who knows what I would really do if the situation came up.

  • EmerEmer member

    For me, I would want to know.  Honestly, I would want to know if it were just a suspicion.

    As for telling, only if the person being cheated on was a close friend.  A lot of our "friends" have cheated.  A lot.  But the wives were not close friends of mine and it just wasn't my place to get involved.

  • I would want to know. Not for marriage preservation reasons, but to take steps to protect my health-I've read some terrible stats on married, monogomous women contracting STDs from their cheating spouse (although I can't find them right now). It may sound weird, but I can get past the desire to connect with somone outside the marriage. I wouldn't like it and it wouldn't be easy, but hurt feelings and broken hearts are something I can get over. Showing a complete disregard for my health and safety by having sex with another person would be harder for me to get past. If it were a friend, I talk to the cheater first, focusing on the risks their exposing their spotse to by being so selfish. If that didn't get anywhere, I'd likely talk to my friend.
  • If I was 100% sure that they were cheating then yes I would tell.  And to me, cheating doesn't just have to be sexual, I think calling someone of the opposite sex all the time, talking about them all the time, going out to do things with that person all the time without telling your spouse all qualifies as cheating. And yes, I would want someone to tell me. 
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  • image karen2508:
    I would want to know. Not for marriage preservation reasons, but to take steps to protect my health-I've read some terrible stats on married, monogomous women contracting STDs from their cheating spouse (although I can't find them right now). It may sound weird, but I can get past the desire to connect with somone outside the marriage. I wouldn't like it and it wouldn't be easy, but hurt feelings and broken hearts are something I can get over. Showing a complete disregard for my health and safety by having sex with another person would be harder for me to get past. If it were a friend, I talk to the cheater first, focusing on the risks their exposing their spotse to by being so selfish. If that didn't get anywhere, I'd likely talk to my friend.

    I always forget this POV and it's a valid one. One of our patients recently told me she got HIV while she was married. She knows because with her first son, she tested negative. When she was asked if she wanted testing done when pregnant with her 2nd, she agreed just as a precaution. She discovered she had HIV and Chlamydia... and that obviously, her husband had been cheating on her =(

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