by Ernie Mannix
(Third installment in the not-so-unbelievable Upside Down Bizarre World series.)
Dateline: Next Thursday.
Announcer Voice Over: Live from New York City, it?s The Bill Kristol - Matt Damon Debate, and here?s your moderator for the evening: Greg Gutfeld.
Greg Gutfeld: Hello, I?m Greg Gutfled, host of the Fox News late night show Red Eye. Tonight I am coming to you live from the stage of Town Hall here in New York City for a debate between Mr. Bill Kristol and Mr. Matt Damon. The audience has been told to hold their applause (and their privates) except for when introducing our two debaters - which happens right now!
On my right is Mr. Bill Kristol.
Gutfeld: This is a man who really needs no introduction, but here?s one for posterity kids: Editor in Chief of the Weekly Standard and a regular panelist on Fox News Sunday, Bill Kristol is to politics what Madonna is to the New York Knickerbockers.
On my left, quite appropriately; Mr. Matt Damon.
Gutfeld: Mr Damon is a BIG BIG movie star. He is to politics,? what Alec Baldwin is to politics.
This is an open debate forum and there are no rules except one: I will not let the tenor of this debate degrade to behavior as barbaric and frightening as the daily fight over the hormone replacement pills backstage at ?The View.?
Okay! Bill Kristol, since you have the tie on you can go first.
Bill Kristol: Good evening everyone. Good evening Greg, Mr. Damon. Mr. Damon, you recently were quoted calling me an ?idiot? for saying we have won the war in Iraq. Well, the simple indubitable fact is; we have won. We will have to be there for some time to come, as in other wars we have prevailed in, like Germany, Japan, etc? So, my question to you is: Are you on the Left incapable of admitting we have won, or at the very least winning significantly, or do you wish for failure in Iraq?
Matt Damon: Did you see ?Good Will Hunting??
Kristol: Yes I did, great movie.
Damon: Then here?s one for ya: You like apples? (Shakes head ?yes? in a caffeinated sort of way.)
Kristol: (After slight pause) There really isn?t any denying the success we have had in Iraq. So, I repeat the question: Do you wish we would have lost the war?
Damon stands, does some Karate/Judo type moves, spins around, grabs the small table in front of him, tries to smash it and fails. Adjusts his jacket, sits down.
Damon: How do like them apples?
Kristol: (Smiling politely with a pause) The fact of the matter is, Iraqi neighborhoods are back. Terrorists no longer control cities. Public works projects are flourishing, and the way of life for the average Iraqi has improved ten-fold. Benchmarks are being met and the Iraqi government is taking more and more responsibility for their own country. Also, I would have to say that your whoop-ass moves don?t have the same impact without all the cinematic sound effects; the grunting, swishing, crashing sounds, etc.
Greg Gutfeld: Oh boy, I think I feel a famous Bill Kristol prediction coming!
Kristol: In fact Greg, I will make a prediction: President Obama and the left will never apologize to the American people for being horribly wrong about the surge, and Mr. Damon you will continue to avoid Ben Affleck like the plague.
Damon stands, hands on hips with a big ?I so crazy? grin, shaking his head in a ?I just got ya? fashion.
Greg Gutfeld: And that concludes our broadcast. I?m Greg Gutfeld and if you didn?t get the significance of this debate - then you sir, are worse than Hitler.