Relationships

Found out that he bought an engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart.

I have been dating by boyfriend for 2.5 years. I am 28 and he is 26. 

Lately I have been wanting to move in together and I was hoping that he would propose soon. He agreed to move in together and we started looking at places. Then I found out that he does not have as much money left over after monthly bills for living expenses (he currently lives with his parents) as I do so it would make moving in together very difficult to afford. I have been living in a small one bedroom that's not big enough for the two of us.

This lead to fights and me stating that I feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere and at 28 I really want to be further along in the relationship than we are. Then his younger sister got engaged and I got extremely upset and we started fighting even more. During one of our fights he told me that he DID buy me an engagement ring already. He only told me that because I was telling him I didn't feel that he was really committed to this relationship and he isn't ready to grow up and take the next step. So he told me he got the ring to prove that he is ready to take the next step.

So I know that he bought me a ring months ago, but he has not proposed yet, he hasn't asked my parent's permission yet. I don't even think he had an actual proposal plan. And now everything is ruined. He can't propose anytime soon because it's all out there in the open and nothing is a surprise anymore. And every time I hear about his sister's wedding plans I FREAK out! I feel like he is older and he should have stepped up and proposed first. He knew his sister was getting engaged and he already had the ring, so I don't know why he didn't propose. During one of our fights I told him that since we can't afford to live together I feel like an engagement wouldn't go anywhere anyway.

I just don't know what to do. Everything is such a mess. How can I make this situation better so that he can still propose in a nice way when the time comes? 

Right now we are barely talking. I feel like we are closer to breaking up than taking the next step forward. And neither one of us wants to break up, but things got so messed up neither one of us know how to fix it.  I feel stuck.  We can't move in together and the engagement is ruined, not like he really had a plan for it anyway.  I still feel like he wasn't actually ready to take the next step.

Re: Found out that he bought an engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart.

  • I think you're both being doofuses!

    First - you're jealously over his sister.  Drop it.  It was the right time for her and her now FI.  Just because he's big brother doesn't mean he goes first.  That's just silly.

    Second - You think the engagement is ruined because you know he has a ring.  Big deal.  I went shopping WITH my husband for the ring, I knew it was coming, and it was special, it didn't matter that it wasn't a surprise.  I'd be much more concerned about the state of your relationship as a whole versus whether or not the proposal is a surprise... BFD in my book.

    Third - moving in together.  We lived in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment above my parents house for like 4 years before we bought our home.  I understand that having more space is nice, but it is really THAT important?  If you want to live together, and don't have a lot of money, something's gotta give... you either suck it up and live in your tiny one bedroom, blow your money on something you can't really afford, OR keep living apart.  You can't always have it all.

    Fourth - giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, it's conceivable he wanted to wait until his sister's engagement excitement to fizzle (for whatever weird reason people like time in between engagements, weddings, babies, etc... I don't agree but it's possible he's getting pressure from his family).  Maybe he's a turd and isn't interest, but it doesn't make sense to me that someone so strapped for cash would by you an engagement ring if he wasn't serious about the commitment.

    Fifth - if the above is wrong, then maybe he's just not that into you anymore.  Sucks, but it happens.

    Sixth - he lives at home with his parents but doesn't have much money?  Does he work a sh!t job?  Does he have expensive tastes/blow his money on stupid things?  Is he paying his parents rent?  Money is a big deal in marriages and you need to know these things and trust that he's financially responsible BEFORE pressuring him for an engagement.  How did he afford the ring by the way?

    You say "fights" and you're "barely talking"... at what point do you guys put on your big boy pants and have a calm, but frank discussion?  You need to have reasonable expectations of your relationship and one another.  For example, if you can't afford a bigger, more luxurious place, then you suck it up and deal.  If he doesn't have a ton of money you don't pressure him to buy you a ring... you can be engaged without a ring, you know?  If he's not interested in continuing a relationship with you, he needs to let you know.  You guys have to TALK IT OUT!

  • image JemmaWRX:

    I think you're both being doofuses!

    First - you're jealously over his sister.  Drop it.  It was the right time for her and her now FI.  Just because he's big brother doesn't mean he goes first.  That's just silly.

    Second - You think the engagement is ruined because you know he has a ring.  Big deal.  I went shopping WITH my husband for the ring, I knew it was coming, and it was special, it didn't matter that it wasn't a surprise.  I'd be much more concerned about the state of your relationship as a whole versus whether or not the proposal is a surprise... BFD in my book.

    Third - moving in together.  We lived in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment above my parents house for like 4 years before we bought our home.  I understand that having more space is nice, but it is really THAT important?  If you want to live together, and don't have a lot of money, something's gotta give... you either suck it up and live in your tiny one bedroom, blow your money on something you can't really afford, OR keep living apart.  You can't always have it all.

    Fourth - giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, it's conceivable he wanted to wait until his sister's engagement excitement to fizzle (for whatever weird reason people like time in between engagements, weddings, babies, etc... I don't agree but it's possible he's getting pressure from his family).  Maybe he's a turd and isn't interest, but it doesn't make sense to me that someone so strapped for cash would by you an engagement ring if he wasn't serious about the commitment.

    Fifth - if the above is wrong, then maybe he's just not that into you anymore.  Sucks, but it happens.

    Sixth - he lives at home with his parents but doesn't have much money?  Does he work a sh!t job?  Does he have expensive tastes/blow his money on stupid things?  Is he paying his parents rent?  Money is a big deal in marriages and you need to know these things and trust that he's financially responsible BEFORE pressuring him for an engagement.  How did he afford the ring by the way?

    You say "fights" and you're "barely talking"... at what point do you guys put on your big boy pants and have a calm, but frank discussion?  You need to have reasonable expectations of your relationship and one another.  For example, if you can't afford a bigger, more luxurious place, then you suck it up and deal.  If he doesn't have a ton of money you don't pressure him to buy you a ring... you can be engaged without a ring, you know?  If he's not interested in continuing a relationship with you, he needs to let you know.  You guys have to TALK IT OUT!

    EVERYTHING this person said!!! You BOTH need to sit down as adults, figure out what you want, need, expect out of your relationship. And take it from someone who was with someone for almost 9 years and watched ALL my friends get engaged and married before me (which would drive me nuts much like his sis getting engaged has driven you nuts) this jealousy ITS NOT HEALTHY!!!! GOOD LUCK xxoo

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  • I never pressured him to buy a ring.  He did that on his own.  I told him what type of rings I liked, but that was once or twice.  I wasn't pressuring him at all.  So he went out and got that but he didn't do anything with it!  I'm guessing it's in his sock drawer somewhere?!  I don't really know!

     

    And I am not saying the engagement is ruined because I know he bought a ring.  It's just such a sore subject right now that  there is no way it could happen anytime soon.

     

    He has a decent job.  He makes more money than I do actually.  And that's why I NEVER thought there would be an issue with affording to live together.  He makes more and lives at home with very few living expenses.  He has a lot of the normal monthly bills, student loans, car payment, insurance.  He really doesn't blow his money and none of his bills are things he can easily cut back on.  I just felt blindsided by all of that.  And at 26 I would think he would be working towards being more independent.  But he seems content with just living at mom and dad's and honestly that really bothers me.  I want to see that he WANTS to grow up.  I want to have a kid, not raise my boyfriend.

     

    And we have not been looking at big nice places at all.  We have looked at the cheapest places we could find.  I was fine with living in something cheaper to save up money for our future.  And I have applied for higher paying jobs and I work a part time job as well.  I wouldn't mind paying the extra but I just don't have it right now.  I'm not asking him to support me, I just hoped he could support himself.  He can't move in here because my lease only allows one person, and the area is too far away from the sports that he coaches.  It's not like he kept his finances from me, he honestly had no idea how expensive life is!  I knew what I can afford and since he makes more I assumed he could afford that as well but he can't.  

     That's why his sister's engagement bothers me so much.  She is younger than him, but she moved out of their parent's house and she is getting married.  I hoped it would make him more motivated to take the next steps in life.  He says that he wants to but he doesn't seem to understand all the work that it takes to move forward.   

     

    If we were moving in together I wouldn't care as much about not being engaged, I would be happy that we are moving forward and taking the next step together.   We have taken so many steps backwards.  Things fell apart so quickly!  

  • If that's the case then you'd be better off marrying his sister!  You can't make her a scapegoat for his shortcomings.  She's more responsible than him... what can you do? 

    Honestly, he's 26, lives at home, and it sounds like he's not very responsible.  Knowing this, aren't you concerned about marrying him?  You very well could become something akin to his Mom.  Yuck!

    I'm sure it's hard to walk away, but you have an obligation to yourself.  You're 28 years old, you want someone to share a life with.  It doesn't sound like he's a candidate.

    If you want to give it one more shot, then pay attention to the last part of my post.  TALK!  Don't fight, don't give one another the silent treatment.  Talk about your expectations of him!  If he blows you off, you have your answer.  If he gives you lip service but nothing changes, you have your answer.

    I'm sorry OP, this sucks.

  • The best advice I could give you is see a couples counselor. I think it could really help put some perspective if you had a stable 3rd party to hear you both out and guide your problems to their solutions. I know that in the heat of an argument it's easy to lose your point and end up with nothing but hurt and confusion. And not just when arguing, it's easy to lose track of your point or be able to properly express yourself in general. It may be the same way with your boyfriend, perhaps he is not good with words. It wouldn't be a first for the male population ;)
    You can find couple counselors many places if you take the time to look for them. Some churches have free counseling if that is something that you think would work better, however if you have some money to spare there are many who can work with your insurance if you have it to work out a payment plan. Go to a few sessions, and see how that goes for you both. Maybe you will see a more open and workable side of him that you never expected, and all it took was a little outside help.
  • This is real life, not a frigging contest.

    Your vehemence suggests something else: do you or do you not wish to marry this guy --- and if you wish to marry him, is it because he is the right choice for you and your future??

    Or do you want to marry him because you don't wnt to be an old maid at 28,,an and soon to be a 30 year old old maid?

    Something more is to this picture indeed.


  • image JemmaWRX:

    I think you're both being doofuses!

    First - you're jealously over his sister.  Drop it.  It was the right time for her and her now FI.  Just because he's big brother doesn't mean he goes first.  That's just silly.

    Second - You think the engagement is ruined because you know he has a ring.  Big deal.  I went shopping WITH my husband for the ring, I knew it was coming, and it was special, it didn't matter that it wasn't a surprise.  I'd be much more concerned about the state of your relationship as a whole versus whether or not the proposal is a surprise... BFD in my book.

    Third - moving in together.  We lived in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment above my parents house for like 4 years before we bought our home.  I understand that having more space is nice, but it is really THAT important?  If you want to live together, and don't have a lot of money, something's gotta give... you either suck it up and live in your tiny one bedroom, blow your money on something you can't really afford, OR keep living apart.  You can't always have it all.

    THIS!  Also, you did push him into telling you by fighting with him about getting engaged, and now that you know, your angry.   I feel bad for him. Buying the ring is a big step for a guy, and you kind of ruined it.  I'm also confused.  You say that both of you want to work it out but are not talking.  If your not talking, your not working it out.  Be the bigger person and start an adult conversation.

  • image NinaHawken:
    The best advice I could give you is see a couples counselor. I think it could really help put some perspective if you had a stable 3rd party to hear you both out and guide your problems to their solutions. I know that in the heat of an argument it's easy to lose your point and end up with nothing but hurt and confusion. And not just when arguing, it's easy to lose track of your point or be able to properly express yourself in general. It may be the same way with your boyfriend, perhaps he is not good with words. It wouldn't be a first for the male population ;)
    You can find couple counselors many places if you take the time to look for them. Some churches have free counseling if that is something that you think would work better, however if you have some money to spare there are many who can work with your insurance if you have it to work out a payment plan. Go to a few sessions, and see how that goes for you both. Maybe you will see a more open and workable side of him that you never expected, and all it took was a little outside help.

    Great advice here!  It sounds like there are some unknowns that you can discover about one another, and once you have some counseling sessions, you can at least be comfortable with whatever decision you make about this relationship. 

  • I have one question for you. 

    Have you seen this ring?

    I think he said that to wiggle out of this fight and shut you up. He doesn't have a ring and you two are on different paths. He lives at home with his parents and can't move in with you over finances but he bought a ring? Right. Okay. Not.  

  • image MLE2010:

    I have one question for you. 

    Have you seen this ring?

    I think he said that to wiggle out of this fight and shut you up. He doesn't have a ring and you two are on different paths. He lives at home with his parents and can't move in with you over finances but he bought a ring? Right. Okay. Not.  

    I was thinking the same thing... It sounds to me like he wants the credit for having bought a ring, but doesn't want or care enough to make the actual commitment of proposing. Very possibly there's no ring at all...

    Basically, your boyfriend is 26, sill living at home, and is showing no drive or ambition. This is a big red flag. I would sit down with him and talk about what you want, and a possible timeline for accomplishing it all. If you get the impression that he just doesn't want or care about the same things, I'd consider moving on... 

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  • To me, the whole tone of your post indicates you're more interested in being engaged to anyone than interested in actually being married to this man.  Since the ring and the proposal are a big deal to you, I assume you're also going to want a wedding.  Which means you two are not in a financial or emotional (based on the fact that you are barely speaking) position to get married right now.  Whether or not his sister is ready is completely irrelevant.

    Get some couselling together if you want to work this out.  If he actually did buy a ring (although I suspect PP is correct in that he just threw it out there on a whim to shut you up and didn't actually buy one), sell it and use that as a deposit on a tiny apartment. Or talk to your landlord about whether or not he/she would be willing to adjust the lease for 2 people in your current place.  But really, the two main points here are that you need to ignore what his sister is doing and communicate with him.

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  • image Greco1014:

    Basically, your boyfriend is 26, sill living at home, and is showing no drive or ambition. This is a big red flag. I would sit down with him and talk about what you want, and a possible timeline for accomplishing it all. If you get the impression that he just doesn't want or care about the same things, I'd consider moving on... 

    THIS is the real crux of the matter. Forget the ring. It doesn't seem like you guys want the same things out of life. He's perfectly happy living with his parents. Do you really want a guy like that? At a minimum, you need couples counseling, because you have some serious differences that need to be worked out before you even think about getting engaged. 

  • I agree with everyone else on this...but also...did you ever stop and think that even though his sister is steps ahead of you two, she and her fiance/hubby may be in tons of debt in order to make those things happen that she has?? You never know...you 2 could always do the same thing, have your fabulous ring, have a big ol wedding, and buy a big ole house to live out your marriage fantasy....it's not all about the happy/perfect/flawless marriages and a white picket fence.....

     P.S- Say you did get enagaged the same time as his sister did, I'd love how you'd react to family having to split attention between 2 engagments/wedding...

  • image MLE2010:

    I have one question for you. 

    Have you seen this ring?

    I think he said that to wiggle out of this fight and shut you up. He doesn't have a ring and you two are on different paths. He lives at home with his parents and can't move in with you over finances but he bought a ring? Right. Okay. Not.  

    Exactly! I was reading pp's responses and I was waiting for someone to say that.

     

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  • Why would you want to marry someone who isn't financially sound to take care of himself? I think it's a little ridiculous of you to expect a ring and a pretty pretty princess day if this guy can barely pay his bills. 
  • image Kimbus22:

    To me, the whole tone of your post indicates you're more interested in being engaged to anyone than interested in actually being married to this man.  Since the ring and the proposal are a big deal to you, I assume you're also going to want a wedding.  Which means you two are not in a financial or emotional (based on the fact that you are barely speaking) position to get married right now.  Whether or not his sister is ready is completely irrelevant.

    This. There are downsides to putting so much focus on some timeline instead of working with what you actually have. Lose the jealous attitude, which is more appropriate for a teenager than a woman your age, and find a man that wants the same things out of life as you. 


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    Why does he have to get married first just because he's older than his sister? That's stupid. I have 4 older sisters. The oldest has yet to get married and if I was waiting on her I might never marry. Stick out tongue My 2nd oldest sister got married first, then the the 3rd oldest, then me (youngest) and then the 4th oldest. We all got married at the right times for us & our H's, period.

  • Your boyfriend sounds like he's under a lot of pressure. I'd chill out for a while about taking the next step. Just forget about it for a while. Getting married is a big deal so he should be 100% ready to ask you before he asks you. If he needs more time to be ready then so be it. 

     So go on some dates. Regular not-talking-about-the-future dates.  

  • RUN! This is the exact same thing do and I went through. We ended finally getting married. He lived at home, had no goals. We moved in together, got married and 6 months into the marriage I had an affair. Never was I happy it was just the next step and I wanted what everyone else had. RUN. He sounds just like DH. You won't be happy after all you have to go through with him to simply get engaged. 
  • I'm 19 so maybe you won't appreciate my advice, but I've been engaged to my now FI for a few months and we haven't had nearly the amount of issues. Yes, money is a big deal, but you really do need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about it. My FI and I have talked about what we'll do money wise all the time and have plans that we stick to. You need to talk to your boyfriend.
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