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Pushy In-Laws

Hey, everyone!

My in-laws have never hid the fact that they want grandchildren.  I'm totally okay with that.  In the past when they, mostly MIL, has made the rare comment, we've either ignored it or let them know that the thought of kids hasn't even crossed our minds.  However, recently, the comments have been coming fast and heavy.

DH recently lost his grandfather, so we went to his hometown for a few days to attend the funeral.  The whole time we were there, his parents made comments about us "giving them grandkids".  FIL and MIL started up in the car on the way to the viewing screaming and laughing about "WE WANT BABIES!  GIVE US BABIES!".  So, I turned to MIL and said, "You're young enough!  If ya'll want babies so bad there are plenty that need to be adopted!".  FIL was like, "No! We want to be able to play with them and then give them back to their parents when we're done!", and I quipped back, "So do we!".

I thought that would be the end of it, but nope.  At the viewing, MIL was holding her great niece, and DH's aunt came over to us and said, "Ya'll need to get on it and beat SIL (who is engaged) to have the first grandbaby!  The first one gets everything and the grandparents always pay for everything!  Ya'll won't have to worry about a thing!"  MIL stood there nodding her head furiously with this crazed look of hope in her eyes.  DH said, "I wouldn't hold your breath!", and I said, "SIL can have the first one!  We're good!".

At the end of the night, MIL hugged me and was like, "I need you to stay healthy for my grandbabies!"  At first I was bewildered because she doesn't have grandkids I could make sick, but then I realized she meant she wanted me to stay healthy so I can give her grandchildren.  I didn't even know what to say.  Every time she hugged me after that for the rest of the weekend she said that.  

I tried to chalk it up to the family being in mourning, but the comments keep coming.  Everything from wanting to move closer if we have kids, to her wanting to save things she comes across for our non-existent children to have one day.  I don't know how many times we've told her we aren't thinking about kids (though, we haven't come right out and said we don't want kids period), and we've tried to turn the tables on them with jokes to no effect.  And we can't even suggest she get involved with other children as she keeps three young children and toddlers during the week, and it has only served to fuel her "grandbaby fever".  

FBIL told us that they are getting pressured a lot, too, so we can't even suggest the in-laws go nag them.  He said that the in-laws have been constantly joking with them about getting their daughter pregnant on the honeymoon, and even SIL who wants kids is getting a little freaked out by how crazed her parents are getting.  At one point she heard me telling the in-laws to put their hopes on SIL, and she went bug-eyed, shaking her head going, "nononononono!".

I just don't know what to do anymore.  DH and I already limit our time with the in-laws for other reasons, but we feel like we might need to limit it even more.  Plus, we're out of ideas other than coming right out and telling them that we don't want kids and they need to get over it right now.  We didn't want to do that because we figured my uterus is not their business, and they'd get the picture when the kids never came along.

We've tried all the suggested tricks, and the in-laws are just stubborn about it.  I guess we're just tired of it and I needed to vent.  You are fabulous if you made it to the end of this post, and I thank you!
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Re: Pushy In-Laws

  • I know how you feel! My entire family, in-laws and my own family, but DH and CONSTANTLY about kids! They will ask us personal questions like "are you actively trying?" (thanks for wondering if we have sex!) or my favorite, "are you on birth control still?" Despite my many attempts to tell them politely we do not want kids, or my birth control and sex life is non of their business, they continue on. So, I just started telling people (while un true as far as I know) that I can't get pregnant due to crazy uterus problems. Makes it really awkward for the asker and ends the conversation very quickly. :)

    CatBasukittie8709itsmeraffyv
  • I know exactly how you feel, except that it isn't my in laws, but my family!  My mother already has grandchildren (I am the only one of my parents' four children to not have kids yet) and my mom has been nagging and nagging about me giving her a granddaughter, because everyone has boys so far.  I am the only person from my immediate family with a college education and I guess they can't understand I have other things in mind besides immediately starting a family.  My parents do give preferential treatment to my siblings, like going to visit them more (we all live within 5 miles of each other), and giving them money to pay the bills, but I'm not that worried about it. 

     

    I have used your line "If you want a baby so bad, adopt one," and got a similar answer lol.  There's nothing you can do to stop them, so I'd just try to ignore them as best you can.  Hopefully, it will eventually die down.

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  • It seems as if you're already limiting your time with them. Unless you want to stop seeing them all together I think you and your hubs should discuss ways of flat out telling them. Easier said than done, I know. They already know you don't want children, wether or not you joke about it it's been said by both you and your hubs that kids are not in your future, maybe they think that it's a "phase" or that playful hinting isn't hurting anyone. So maybe once you make it clear the comments will stop.

    GL!

     

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  • Whenever asked if we are having kids, I explain to people that I have a "fur" kid, and I talk about the cutest thing my dog did the other day. Then, people get the point and change topics. Not sure if this would work on your in-laws, but try to change the topic and ignore their comments.
  • Wow... this sounds like some weekend! I agree with PPs. I would come out and say we are not thinking of kids and would like the pressure to cease. I know this is much easier said than done but it doesn't appear as though the 'hinting' is working for them. Sad

    GL! I feel your pain on this. 

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    kittie8709
  • Thanks, everyone!  I just really needed a place to vent because DH and I have talked it to death!

    I'm definitely in the fur baby crowd!  We have two kitties, and I call them my son and daughter!  My own mom even signs my birthday cards with their names and "paw prints", and the names of the two I owned with her but she wouldn't let me take when DH and I got married!  She considers our pets her grandbabies, so when I tell her how one of them has been bad she'll fuss at me for fussing at her babies!  Haha!

    I'm just glad my own family is supportive of us not having kids!  Even my 80-something, conservative grandmother is encouraging us to travel and live it up over having children!  Though, I guess it is easier for them as I've said my entire life I wasn't interested in kids (just pets, and lots of them!).  Plus, my mom has never felt like being a grandmother was some huge life goal for herself, so there has never once been pressure from her.

    I just try to remind myself that even if the in-laws are going baby crazy, DH and I have 100% support from my family and our friends, and that helps a lot.  Sometimes I still need a good vent, though!  You all have been amazing! xo

    kittie8709
  • I think i would have lost my mind if i had to listen to that kind of pestering for an entire weekend!!!  You poor thing!!

    Luckily it isnt my inlaws, plus we rarely see them.  My mom is starting to push about it, to the point that i told her to knock it off and the subject is off limits. I told her to go bother my brothers (one is recently married and one is engaged) DH and I have had many discussions about it, we are in the not anytime soon camp and maybe not ever. It drives me nuts when people say oh you might change your mind later! Maybe i wont and whats wrong with that?! DH and I are very happy with our 2 furbabies (a cat and a dog)

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    kittie8709
  • Frankly, I think it's time to be blunt. You need to say something like " this topic of conversation is starting to get uncomfortable. Please stop asking." Or " this is going too far. It 's a personal decision you need to leave us to make for ourselves." Or my personal favorite " How about you go shlt in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster."
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  • My MIL and occassionally my FIL ask us about it but it is not nearly that bad.  I'm usually able to divert with conversation about my doggy.

       I agree with PP. I think you need to just come out and say bluntly that this is really getting out of hand and that you don't appreciate their rude questions.

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  • This exact situation happened to me before my husband and I got married.

    My now MIL would come up to me and rub my belly like I'm already pregnant and FIL would tell us to get pregnant every chance he had.  No matter what excuses we came up with, he just didn't care.  He even told us to stay home for 2 weeks straight after getting married so we could focus on making babies (one of our excuses was we can't make babies until after marriage).

    I eventually got fed up and told him bluntly that we are not getting pregnant in the near future.  FIL was really pushing it and said "What if God gives you a baby right now, you can't say no".  I lost it!  I lied and said I don't believe in God, things got awkward very quickly, and I went to my room to cry. 

    FIL apologized to me and they have yet to bring it up again, even after marriage.  It was upsetting for the situation to get that way but at least they backed off.  I will never suggest for you to do this with your in-laws.  I just wanted to share my experience. 

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  • I really don't see this coming to a stop unless you're just honest with them. If anything you could sugar coat it a bit and say something like "Oh, we want to do this-and-this before children" or "we just want to enjoy US for as long as possible." Something that may get the point across, but won't sound as harsh.

    Good luck! Luckily my in-laws and my side are on the same page as me when it comes to children...it's just my HUSBAND who is all baby-crazed. :) 

  • I'd be honest with them and let them know. Just say something like 'Hey we don't want kids. End of discussion'. I don't feel you owe them a reason, it's your life, you get to choose if/when you have kids.

    My mil was going on and on about wanting kids, and I'm in the middle of nursing school, about to head into my senior year with plans of going further on. Finally we just flat out said, no we're not having kids right now, not until I get my masters at the very earliest. Anymore mention and we won't talk/call/visit until you get the point. She stopped talking about it. :)

    Good luck!! Maybe it'll work for you too. :)
  • I feel your pain and I so wish I had some good advice for you. In our case, both my DH and I have repeatedly stated to MIL and FIL that we absolutely never want to have kids. Yet every time we see them, they always bring it up. It really gets old and nothing seems to deter them!
  • Dear Megan,

    I am having a similar situation. My mil and fil make comments all the time. It really hurts my feelings. They have made so  many comments that it has really pushed me away from having a child. I love my in-laws to death but enough is enough. I want to say something but I am just trying to keep peace.

  • We're not even married yet, and the FILs are constantly making comments.... "Do it FAST, so we can still help," blah blah, when they KNOW that I absolutely DO NOT want children. I HATE kids (I even hated kids when I was a kid), and for heaven's sake, I'm a dancer and a model. I can't do that to my body. 

    My problem is that FI used to be against having kids as well, but now they're really, REALLY pushing him, trying to brainwash him... and I think it might be working. 

    The thing is, when we're honest and not thinking about it, we'll both readily say, "Babies? Ew!" Howeverrr.... when they've been nagging, and I complain about it, he seems more readily able to change his mind. 

    WTH. It is MY uterus, and we already discussed all this! 
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  • pchez2pchez2 member

    Oh thank God I thought I was the only one! My HB and I have been married all of 5 minutes, and my MIL had us getting pregnant the day after our wedding!! It drives us both completely nuts, but after reading all of the posts on here, I have to say that we do the same thing: IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! Our best offense is a sensible defense. We stopped listening, shake our heads, and say "uh hmmm". :)

    Nobody has the right to dictate when you will have children. Live your own lives, travel, do whatever it is you want to do; the main thing is to have fun! I'm 31 and am in no rush whatsoever to start a family. Actually, I already did..the day I got married. :)

    cdubsande
  • My husband and I have been enduring the same questions about kids.  We've been together for almost 7 years and have been married about 15 months, but everyone-families and friends-knows that kids have never been a part of our life plan.  However that hasn't stopped any of them from commenting and butting into our personal business.  It's gotten better in the last few months because the in-laws have been focused on SIL's wedding.  But now that that's come and gone I'm afraid that the questions and comments will start again.  We tried joking it off at first--that didn't work.  Then we would get more serious towards them and tell them point-blank that it wasn't happening--that didn't work either.  Unfortunately it took many fights between me and my husband to come to the conclusion on how to deal with it:  I told them all that we were not going to have any children of any kind and that from this point on the subject was off-limits to everyone and if they couldn't respect that and continued to bring it up, I was going to severely limit my visits with them, if not end them altogether.  I hated to have to do it, but they were not getting the message and this was the only way they finally realized we were serious.  I can tell that they still hope we'll change our minds, but at least now their continuous wishes are silent.  I love being around our families, so it would be a punishment for me as well if we couldn't enjoy each others' company any longer because of one disagreement.  I don't believe in lying to them or anyone about why we don't want kids, so saying that I physically couldn't was out of the question.  Point is, you may need to pull out some tough love and cut ties for a little while.  You don't need the stress of being continually asked when they're choosing not to hear your honest answers.  Sometimes it takes some serious time apart to get through to the ones we love.
  • My ML cries begging me in spanish to help her son carry on the Camacho name. All I can think is seriously? I just tell her nope kids annoy me I want to work and get an education to see the shock on her face. You have to find someway to get a chuckle out of it. 

    kittie8709
  • We're not even married yet and the inlaws are already dropping hints. To shut them up we threaten to be DINKs (double income, no kids) and it almost always nips that one in the bud. Truth is we're no where ready to have kids, we're getting married in June and my FH's job is very demanding right now. I rarely see him and we don't want to bring a kid into the picture. I've also getting over depression/anxiety due to not being able to find a job for a year, and although I'm a lot better now, I'm not about to try and grow something inside me. They get really offended when we say it's none of their business but I don't care, it's none of their business.
    kittie8709
  • Every time my MIL sees me she asks when I will get pregnant. Onetime I had my period and I said I wasn't feeling well and she was like 'Are you pregnant?" I was like"No, I'm bleeding from the vag" It is cute that she is excited about grandkids, but it is not time yet. Maybe in a few years.
  • Can completely relate. It's not happening on my side of the family as much as it is DH's. As soon as my brother and sister in law got preggers, it soon shifted to when we'd be expecting.
    It just seems like during every major family thing that arises, it comes up. When our nephew was born, lots of "it's your turn" comments came up. During a family trip to visit some relatives (who had just had their second child), it became this: we want you to have a baby but we would like you to magically control your lady parts and make it a girl too.
    It's not that I don't want one. I am just in the mindset where I wouldn't want to consider it until I'm in a more permanent living establishment which I thought was understood.

    We're on our way to Thanksgiving dinner with his family as I type. And I'm up to at least one mentioning of my popping out a child in under six hours of travel. This should be fun.
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  • I say tell them the truth.

    They are torturing you, and you are allowing it.Its more important for YOU to feel uncomfortable with the way they make you feel, then for YOU to make them feel uncomfortable by telling them the truth.

     

    "FIl and MIL, I know you are excited about grandchildren and that's great. I want to make sure we are all on the same page because you are really making me feel uncomfortable, even though you don't mean to. DH and I are not having kids anytime in the future. I  am asking you to stop asking us when are we going to have kids. We WILL let you know when we are ready, but we are not ready and don't know when that will be. I am asking that you stop talking to us about having children.".

     

    You can be kind but firm. Worst case scenario is that if they wont leave you alone tell them you just diagnosed and you are not able to have kids. Then when you do "it was a miracle".

     

    Or tell them about the 3 miscarriages you have had and she needs to stop asking you.

     

    I don't mean to be nasty, and I don't mean any disrespect to those having problems. But I think being straight with them is your best course of action.

  • I'm with the majority of you ladies. My husband and I don't want kids. We'd prefer to enjoy ourselves and get the education that we want. To be honest, I'm not a kid person. I don't mind kids in general, but I don't want to change my life for one. I am perfectly content with my four kitties. They may be very mischievous, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. 
  • My husband and I are not planning on having kids.  And we have told our parents this.  I see your point that it's none of their business but I was hoping that by telling them they would have time to come to terms with it.  I honestly believe that my mom still has hope that I will divorce my husband and suddenly want to bear tons of children- but at least she isn't bugging me about it anymore.
  • CJBosquezCJBosquez
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    member
    edited July 2014
    There were no less than 3 speeches at our WEDDING about getting started on making grandkids (and great grandkids). Everyone from my FIL to my husband's cousin want to know when we are going to have them. Thankfully my side of the family is very supportive of us waiting and settling into our own lives before starting new ones. We have 2 dogs, so the in-laws will just have to be satisfied with spoiling them for a while.
  •   FIL was like, "No! We want to be able to play with them and then give them back to their parents when we're done!", and I quipped back, "So do we!".


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  • Baby pressure is very common. This doesn't make it right. Most parents are desperate to become grandparents at some point and this is why some of them become obsessed.

    Telling my mother about my husband's vasectomy helped a lot. I also told my father that I was tired of her comments. My mother is a very pushy person and sometimes repeatedly telling her something doesn't change her constant nagging. When I tell my father about her comments, that often helps because she hates it when my father sticks up for me. 
  • I am so sorry, first off. Secondly, I know how you feel. My husband is the product of a one night stand yadda, yadda, and he was raised with just him and his mom. Needless to say, we got engaged young, and married 7 months later. My MIL has pressured us every day since we got married to give her grandbabies! Not just 1, but she would like twins! (Like it's a drive thru or something and she gets to put her order in). I feel for you, I do. I told her I have a mirena and it seemed to have put a hold on the questions for a while, but I am only 21 and we've only been married 2 and a half years. We are still at least 3 years away from thinking of starting a family, so I presume I have a lot more nagging left to be coming my way! Good luck, and don't fall for the pressure. It just puts an unnecessary strain on you and your husbands relationship! 
  • itsmeraffyvitsmeraffyv
    First Comment First Anniversary
    member
    edited October 2014

    I'm dealing with this same issue. My FIL has been pressuring my DH and I to have children since we first got engaged two years ago. We just got married 3 weeks ago so we definitely are not at the point where we want to have children. We're both 26 and decided that we don't want to have children for another year or so. I have had miscarriages in the past before we were married so, the topic is kind of a sore one for us. His questions and comments would make me really uncomfortable because I feel that it simply isn't any of his business. We had to have a serious sit-down talk with his dad to make the questions about grandchildren stop. Since you and your DH have decided that you won't be having children I think you should tell them. They might try to convince you to change your mind but as long as you stick to your guns eventually they should drop the issue.

     

  • MrsSmithSmithMrsSmithSmith
    First Comment First Anniversary
    member
    edited October 2014

    I've had similar problems with my in-laws or well everyone asking us about babies. My MIL went as far as saying "she would take care of the baby until I was ready." We are in our early twenties! I just stick with i'm never having them and go on about how annoying the screaming kid at the store was. Whether its true or not its none of there business. They'll get a proper notification if the time ever comes.

    Good Luck!

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