Starting Over
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

just starting

So the counselor said try this.  I am stuck in my grief about my divorce.  I thought I was doing better, but I still feel all of the nasty words on the inside.  Stupid ***, who could ever want a fat ugly whore like you, useless piece of ***. When I was almost desensitized by the words and he couldn't hit or push anymore he moved on to spitting.  Yeah, that did me in, but the words... they are like an inside wound that will not heal.  

So now here it is a year and almost 5 months later and I am lonely and completely distrustful of everyone. Still married, because he won/t respond to his lawyer or mine.  Oh yeah I don't trust the lawyers either $$$$$$. I dislike computers because that is where my husband met all of the women who he was sending money and gifts to.  By the way if you are a Hispanic woman facebook Terry Gordon, he will be more than happy to send you lots of money as long as you say that you believe that he is 36, and promise to send him naked pictures. And by the way he is 54.  I did not have sex with a 3 year old.  

I lived without a real identity for so long that i am struggling to find one.  I feel like I should be something else. I should try to be younger or prettier, or more interesting, but I earned my wrinkles, and if you have to try to be interesting ....you won't be.  A long time ago I was considered pretty, but it made me uncomfortable.  I wanted someone to like who I was.  Now after my husband has had plastic surgeries and hair transplants, i am even thinking the unthinkable, but i don't want to look like Joan Rivers or Kenny Rogers. 

I could use some real advice, and an opinion from someone who has come out the other side of this.  Where do you meet people?  

Ceese 

Re: just starting

  • Sweetie....you gotta find your value within yourself.  No one else is going to find value in you UNTIL you do.   How many years did this guy tear down your self-worth?   It will take a long time to piece yourself back together.

    No amount of plastic surgery is going to help you....you are YOUR wrinkles and all.  This does NOT take away from your value.

    Start searching your heart and finding those good qualities that obviously exist inside you.  Learn to be confident in your own skin...even if you have to 'fake' it a little.... This will attract others to you.

  • i am so sorry for all you've been through and continue to struggle with.  it does take a while to find your own identity again, once a relationship ends.  but it's possible. when my ex-husband left me for another woman in 2007, i slowly ventured out via Meetup groups in my city.  you can go to meet up dot com and search to see if there are any in your area.  something as simple as a movie night out, or getting together with a group that meets for coffee/brunch, or one that does outdoorsy stuff like hiking can open the door to new acquaintances and friendships.  sure, there are negative people in those groups too but i've met more on the positive side.  and it's totally fine to go solo to any event - that's what pretty much everyone does at first.

    best wishes to you!

    Lisa 

  • Find a different lawyer and a different counselor. 
    EMLYNNLERETTE
  • image doglove:
    Find a different lawyer and a different counselor. 

    This. I work for a family lawyer, and will be one in less than a year myself. They're not all money-leeching creeps. Do some lawyer-shopping (but make sure they know you are already represented, unless you already petitioned to have your lawyer withdrawn from your case, so that a potential new lawyer doesn't commit any ethics violations).

    I am so sorry to hear about the awful, undeserved treatment that you endured. How long has it been since you separated? 

    If you hear something (whether it is positive or negative) about yourself...unfortunately after a while you start to repeat it in your own mind. Start breaking this habit. If your appearance is an issue for you, look in the mirror and find something you LIKE. Anything. Glossy hair? Thick eyelashes? Pretty skin tone? Cute nose? Anything. Start doing that for yourself and change the story in your own head. Better yet, what are you good at? What do your family and friends appreciate about you? I am sure you bring value to other people's lives in a way that you can't see right now because you are stuck self-loathing from your jerk of an ex-H. You don't need your ex-H to have this mental control over you anymore...don't allow him to have that. You deserve better, and I hope you find it.

    Oh, and if you want to have a little procedure done to make yourself feel better..I won't tell you not to. But I might suggest waiting until the divorce is over. Get through that roller coaster of emotions, and then make other serious decisions with a clear-headed view of yourself (and your financial situation). Just my thoughts. :)

    Best of luck!! You have a new life unfolding before you - take hold of it and find yourself again!

  • newinside said:

    So the counselor said try this.  I am stuck in my grief about my divorce.  I thought I was doing better, but I still feel all of the nasty words on the inside.  Stupid ***, who could ever want a fat ugly whore like you, useless piece of ***. When I was almost desensitized by the words and he couldn't hit or push anymore he moved on to spitting.  Yeah, that did me in, but the words... they are like an inside wound that will not heal.  

    So now here it is a year and almost 5 months later and I am lonely and completely distrustful of everyone. Still married, because he won/t respond to his lawyer or mine.  Oh yeah I don't trust the lawyers either $$$$$$. I dislike computers because that is where my husband met all of the women who he was sending money and gifts to.  By the way if you are a Hispanic woman facebook Terry Gordon, he will be more than happy to send you lots of money as long as you say that you believe that he is 36, and promise to send him naked pictures. And by the way he is 54.  I did not have sex with a 3 year old.  

    I lived without a real identity for so long that i am struggling to find one.  I feel like I should be something else. I should try to be younger or prettier, or more interesting, but I earned my wrinkles, and if you have to try to be interesting ....you won't be.  A long time ago I was considered pretty, but it made me uncomfortable.  I wanted someone to like who I was.  Now after my husband has had plastic surgeries and hair transplants, i am even thinking the unthinkable, but i don't want to look like Joan Rivers or Kenny Rogers. 

    I could use some real advice, and an opinion from someone who has come out the other side of this.  Where do you meet people?  

    Ceese 

    Emotional abuse is the worst because you are constantly questioning yourself, your decisions .... EVERYTHING. Start with this:

    Find one thing everyday that you LOVE about yourself. Hobbies, looks, interests, etc...
    The more you look for things YOU love about yourself the more you take back the power and control of your life. 

    Do things for yourself: 
    Get a mani-pedi
    Shop with friends/ family
    Dive into a good book / join a book club

    The more you begin to ENJOY life and appreciate yourself the more distant this TORTURED version of yourself will become. Your ex is an abuser and probably had a lot of self-esteem issues of his own and inadequacy issues that he took out on you. The good news is you are FREE. Age doesn't define beauty. My parents are aged and some may say "look at the wrinkles, or look at the grey hair..." but many see past that because you can see the love they have for themselves and those around them. Learning how to let go of the stigma your ex created for you and embrace the REAL YOU is the first step to getting out there and meeting new people. 

    So consider this day 1:
    What do you love about yourself today?
    Your smile? Your laugh? Your eyes? I know its hard but taking that first step is the beginning of your new life and the end to your tortured past.
    :-bd :-bd
  • I have never been through a divorce so I cannot speak on the lawyer aspect of it. However, I have been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. The short answer advice is to realize that they did what they did because of their own issues. How he treated you is not reflective of your worth. I agree with PPs. Take this time to rediscover yourself. Take different classes. Try cooking or fitness classes (Groupon and LivingSocial usually have deals on these). Explore new hobbies. Join a new church or support group. It's hard at first to be alone, but I promise you, being single a million times better than being with someone who makes you feel worthless.
  • Why the hell are you people responding to a year-old thread???
    EMLYNNLERETTE
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards