Relationships

Husband desparate for (single) female friends

Let me start off with we have only been married for 3 months. We had problems before we got married with him saying very inappropriate sexual things to female friends and I even found a topless picture on his computer of one of the "friends." We fought about it, talked about it, and I decided to trust that he would stop. Now, he says he has no one and that no one cares. He claims he has no one he can talk to anymore and that he only trusts to talk to females because of how he grew up (lived in house with 2 sisters and mom, dad cheated and divorced when he was 9).

About 2 weeks ago, we went out to eat for our mutual friends birthday (female). We went back to her place with several others and towards the end of the night he brought up to a different girl that he wanted to set up her and the guy that was his best man. The next day, they started chatting on facebook (we have a joined account). She ended up giving him her number to give to his best man cause she did not want to text him first.

Now, the girl and best man have met once and text back and forth. They hit it off. BUT my husband and I got into a fight because as soon as he got her number, he started texting her a lot. Then when I brought it up to him, he said that if I don't let him talk to her then he will find someone I dont know to be friends with. Then brought up how his ex-gf took away all his friends so he found this other girl to be friends with (who later lived with him). He told me that he just has a void that needs filled with a female friend for him to talk to. I brought up having mutual friends but he shot that down pretty quitckly because then he couldn't talk to them about our problems. (also all the females that he has ever talked to are either single or have cheated in the past on their bf)

 I want to trust that he is not going to say or do anything to hurt me, but with our past and those last few comments, I'm not sure how I should take it. Meanwhile, our sex life has been less than anything and he brought up the fact that he is watching porn quite a bit. He told me that it was to help fill the void also. (with what he said then, he is filling his void with porn and female friends) He is the kind of person that will say anything just to get a reaction. I'm not sure if I am just being insecure/jealous, or if I should be concerned...?

Re: Husband desparate for (single) female friends

  • He has a lot of voids for a married man. Honestly YOU should be the reason his voids are filled. It sounds to me like he likes attention from females. 

    How much porn are we talking about? Every day? Once a week? No matter, he is blaming you and his ex for his bad, weird behavior and using it to get his way.

    Married 3 months, get this marriage annulled and find a man who doesn't need so many voids filled by other women.

    *** my H has female friends and they are my friends also. A friend of one spouse should be a friend of the marriage, I may not be close with them but I do hang out on girl nights with them sans H.

    Also, I HATE it when spouses have a joint FB account, it reeks of insecurity to me. 

  • And you married this winner why?
  • image WendyGR:
    And you married this winner why?

    This. It's one thing to have friends. But he shouldn't be talking about your problems as a couple with them. That can only lead to bad things. If he needs to talk about issues like that, it should be with you or a counselor/therapist. Not another woman who's supposedly just a friend.

    But honestly, I would've dumped him after finding the topless picture. I don't have a problem with porn, but nude pictures of people he actually knows in real life are a dealbreaker. 

  • I told him that once we got married, I stopped talking to our friends about our problems but he just does not get it. He has said he does not plan on hanging out with this gril one on one but just wants a text buddy. He balmed me for not trusting him when all of this was brought up. I do not believe he would cheat on me but he does cross the line in my opinion. I do not want/plan on leaving him but I want to figure out a way to get him to see my side of the situation which so far has been unsuccessful and our fight ended with me telling him to "do what he wants then since he wasn't going to consider what I was saying."

    I'm just so confused and conflicted.

  • You picked a dud sweetie, sorry.

    I understand you love him, but there really is so so so much better out there. 

  • I give this marriage no chance at all whatsoever:

    Let me start off with we have only been married for 3 months. We had problems before we got married with him saying very inappropriate sexual things to female friends and I even found a topless picture on his computer of one of the "friends." We fought about it, talked about it, and I decided to trust that he would stop. Now, he says he has no one and that no one cares. He claims he has no one he can talk to anymore and that he only trusts to talk to females because of how he grew up (lived in house with 2 sisters and mom, dad cheated and divorced when he was 9).

    Said he'd stop?

    Well, he didn't. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice... and you know the rest.

    No happily married man chats up and acts inappropriately with other women.

    That has this so-called "void" -- this is a crock of sh!t and just his excuse to find a way out of his wrong behavior.

    When he was up to this bullshit before you were married, you needed to get rid of him stat. As you can see, people do not change; he was showing you what he was back then.

    He is nothing but a hornbag, a douche and immature. His former girlfriend "took away" his friends, really? No, translated that means "she got tired of my bullshit so she drew a line and I didn't like it."

    My advice: get rid of this guy stat and get this sham marriage annulled. You are married 3 months; he's an adulterer (yes, this is adultery even though this is *just* inappropriate behavior with sexual talk involved.  "no sex" involved"??  I will bet you that either he's already slept with these women or is heavily thinking of doing it.

    He needs a text buddy, he had oh such a rough childhood and he is trying to fill a void and his gf that he used to see took away all his friends: how much of this bullshit are you supposed to buy into????

    How about you fill a void...open teh door  and drop kick his useless ass through the void of the space between the doorjamb.

    He is showing you he does not wish to be married and the vast amount of disrespect he's got for you is as large as MetLife Stadium.

    And as for the lack of sex in your relationship...I would not doubt if he's getting plenty from these "text friends" of his. This was going on before you got married: the red flag was loud and clear: why did you marry this turkey?

  • Yeah, this guy is a dud.  YOU should be filling his "void".  not other women - and unmarried women at that. 

    And to actively be looking for essentially strangers in which to share his marital problems with?  REALLY?

    He's playing with fire.  And really- you should have seen this coming.  You KNEW this about him before you married him.

    There are other men out there.  Men that don't act like this. 

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  • I don't even know where to begin so I'll just say this... you don't have to be intimate with someone to be having an affair. There are such things as emotional affairs and if my husband was texting another female, especially a female that I wasn't friends with, discussing anything..especially OUR relationship, this would be a huge problem. What kind of martial advice are all of these single women going to be able to give him! Just remember this...if you let this fly, some random chick is going to know everything about you.. you're private, intimate conversations that you have with your husband, your likes and dislikes in bed, your bad habits, your financial problems, everything! Do you really think that being married to someone that would even think of wanting to share these things with some other woman is someone that you want to be with? If so, then you really need to go ahead and be prepared for the day that you find out he's sleeping around. I hate to be so blunt about it but we are all trying to saved you from the tremendous hurt and humiliation that's waiting around the corner should you stay in this relationship!
  • Discussing your problems with anybody else? that should not be happening. Period.

    The ball is in your court on this one. Above all, don't let him con you into "giving him another chance." Don't let him ply you with excuses -- he's used just about every one in creation; next I'm waiting to hear him say "the dog ate my homework" and "the sun got in my eyes."

    He's deplorable.

    And I am really and truly wondering why you married this horse's ass. He made it clear before you were married that he did not want to get married; by virtue of the fact he had inappropriate contact with another woman, you bet he was showing you loud and clear that he was not ready for a lifelong committment. You are the one who should have been more than enough woman for him, not these "friends."
  • image sbumgardner:

    I told him that once we got married, I stopped talking to our friends about our problems but he just does not get it. He has said he does not plan on hanging out with this gril one on one but just wants a text buddy. He balmed me for not trusting him when all of this was brought up. I do not believe he would cheat on me but he does cross the line in my opinion. I do not want/plan on leaving him but I want to figure out a way to get him to see my side of the situation which so far has been unsuccessful and our fight ended with me telling him to "do what he wants then since he wasn't going to consider what I was saying."

    I'm just so confused and conflicted.

    You are confused?

    Go to counseling by yourself and tell your whoever all this. You can't fix a marriage that is broken at the start. Your is.

    You can't see a pattern with him? I can, he blames his ex for his behavior for XYZ, he blames you for his behavior with XYZ. Please let us know when you are tired of his blame game. Thing about people who can't stand up and own bad behavior is they will always blame someone else. He will blame you always and in the end you will lose yourself and he will do whatever he wants no matter your feelings.  

  • But can't you see? he DID cheat on you!

     He balmed me for not trusting him when all of this was brought up. I do not believe he would cheat on me but he does cross the line in my opinion.

    "Cross the line"? You should have not only have been livid but showed him the door when you found out he was up to this mess before you were married to him. End the relationship and move on!  

    I do not want/plan on leaving him but I want to figure out a way to get him to see my side of the situation which so far has been unsuccessful and our fight ended with me telling him to "do what he wants then since he wasn't going to consider what I was saying."

    So you don't plan on leaving him when he spelled it out that he's going to continue to cheat on you.

    And he's spelled it out that he will continue to do what he wants.

    And you didn't leave him when you found out about this mess before you were married. he's already called your bluff! All you are are his doormat, his cook, his laundress and his occasional sex partner.

    What do you think -- that you need to catch him in bed with these other women? I guess you still think cheating only consists of sex with another partner. Thanks to the internet, cheating has been defined to include these so-called "friendships" with other people.  Sure, that's a platonic friend, the one who sends you photos of her boobs.

    You are seriously in denial. And why did you marry this jerk? what is he bringing to YOUR table, might I ask?

  • image sbumgardner:

    I do not want/plan on leaving him but I want to figure out a way to get him to see my side of the situation which so far has been unsuccessful and our fight ended with me telling him to "do what he wants then since he wasn't going to consider what I was saying."

    I'm just so confused and conflicted.

    Why would he see your side of the situation?  He was doing this before you got married and you married him anyway.  He's still doing it and you don't want to leave him.  What incentive does he have to change when he knows he can keep doing whatever he wants and you'll continue to put up with it?

    You need to accept that your husband doesn't love you and he's also got very poor character.  I'm not sure why you felt he was the best you could do, but I really hope you get some respect for yourself and ditch him.  That would be a win-win situation- he'd be free to text all the women he wants and you wouldn't be married to a self-centered jerk who treats you like crap.

  • Let me see if I got this in a nutshell - your H is a womanizing drama queen that fully admits that he will engage in deceit if you refuse to turn a blind eye to his blantant attempts to have some "strange" on the side? Sounds like a real winner to me.

    I fully believe that there are occaisions for men and women to have friends of the opposite gender. However, the people that are able to honestly hold these relationships make sure that they fit openly and honestly into their romantic relationships. Your DH wants secret friends that you have no access to. That would be a negative, ghostrider.

    If DH wants someone to talk about his problems to, he should hire a therapist. If he wants female friends all his own, you should hire a divorce attorney. Good luck with that.
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  • image MrsMcC.10409:
    Let me see if I got this in a nutshell - your H is a womanizing drama queen that fully admits that he will engage in deceit if you refuse to turn a blind eye to his blantant attempts to have some "strange" on the side? Sounds like a real winner to me.

    I fully believe that there are occaisions for men and women to have friends of the opposite gender. However, the people that are able to honestly hold these relationships make sure that they fit openly and honestly into their romantic relationships. Your DH wants secret friends that you have no access to. That would be a negative, ghostrider.

    If DH wants someone to talk about his problems to, he should hire a therapist. If he wants female friends all his own, you should hire a divorce attorney. Good luck with that.


    This exactly.

    And you know full well what the definition of "a friend" is. Whether it is a male or a female, it is somebody who keeps in touch with you, somebody who cares, somebody who is there when you have troubles, somebody reliable, somebody decent, somebody whose activities and actions are on the up and up.

    This is some "friend" he has -- she sends him photos of her t!ts. His friend ain't no friend and I suppose you're going to allow him to have these "friends" because you didn't catch them in the act, right?

  • image WendyGR:
    And you married this winner why?

    ding ding ding!

  • You know he's cheating on you. Whether it is just pictures and flirty texts at the moment, or whether it is more doesn't matter. He is cheating.

    Why is he looking outside the relationship to fill his "void" for companionship? That is a huge red flag. And it is ALWAYS a bad idea to involve third parties in relationship woes, unless that third party is a neutral therapist. (i.e. not a friend who happens to be a therapist).

     It sounds like he feels that he needs attention from single women to be validated in some way. He sounds deeply insecure. Normal husbands don't have that need.

  • image stw_77:

    You picked a dud sweetie, sorry.

    I understand you love him, but there really is so so so much better out there. 

     

    This. 

    Been there. Fell in love with and married a douche.  Little did I know that it wasn't normal, or healthy.  There is better out there. You're worth more this!

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  • image sbumgardner:

    I told him that once we got married, I stopped talking to our friends about our problems but he just does not get it. He has said he does not plan on hanging out with this gril one on one but just wants a text buddy. He balmed me for not trusting him when all of this was brought up. I do not believe he would cheat on me but he does cross the line in my opinion. I do not want/plan on leaving him but I want to figure out a way to get him to see my side of the situation which so far has been unsuccessful and our fight ended with me telling him to "do what he wants then since he wasn't going to consider what I was saying."

    I'm just so confused and conflicted.

     It is a huge problem involving other's with your relationship problems, BUT this is not the most important problem.  The most important problem within your marriage is him seeking attention from other women and you allowing it to happen.  He will not see your way bc he sees nothing wrong with it and that is bc you're allowing him to get away with it.  By you staying with him with all those times he has done inappropriate things that include other women, it is telling him that it is ok, that you will always be around bc you have always forgiven and/or taken him back.  He is taking advantage of you, your heart, your love, and your marriage.  He is also disrespecting you and your marriage!  I'd like to know why he even proposed to you and then went through the marriage in the first place, if this is what he wants to do?!  Then again, he probably went through it bc he knew he could/can get away with whatever bc you're always taking him back.  I am not trying to offend you at all!  It seems to me that both of you are insecure.  I understand you love him, but I highly doubt you're IN LOVE with him.  Loving someone and being in love with someone are two totally different feelings.  I hate to say this, but things are only going to get worse if you don't get this marriage annulled.  There is nothing to be confused and conflicted about.  It is right out there in the open of what he's doing, he's flaunting it in your face.  I hope to God you aren't planning on having a baby with him either.  Bringing a child into such a situation/environment will NOT make him change or stop doing what he's doing.  Do not allow him to disrespect you any longer! 

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  • Dude, seriously.  Why were you even DATING a guy who was this inappropriate with other women, and made you feel this crappy?!
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  • I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that you married this man. 

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