Relationships

Moving in together

I just got into grad school about two hours from where my boyfriend of 3.5 yeArs lives. We are college (undergrad) sweethearts and currently live 2 hours apart since I graduated from my undergrad in may 2012. Since I'm moving for grad school the plan is for him to move in with me a week or two after. He graduated a year ago but due to the economy has only been able to get minimum wage jobs. He will be looking for another minimum wage job near my grad school as well as opportunities that pertain to his major.

There is a part of me that can see myself with him forever if he steps up and gets a career. But I constantly feel like I am being let down. Even when he got a good job he quit before orientation was over without even discussing it with me. I feel that I am supposed to be excited about moving in together but all I feel is nervous, overwhelmed, and unsure.

my ex has also reached out to me lately and the thought of going back to him is very tempting because he is in a secure job and trustworthy and we connected on so many levels where my current boyfriend and I are completely opposites. All I know is I am very unsure oaf everything and when I start to feel good about everything the uncertainty comes back very quickly. I was wondering if anyone has any advice or comments about how they were feeling when they moved in with someone.

Re: Moving in together

  • It's never easy to make a decision like that one, but my advice is if your unsure don't rush into it. Does your bf have anywhere else he can stay besides with you?

    Another issue is that your in touch with your ex which is only going to make things even more difficult for you! I totally understand where your coming from though, your only weighing your options, and what women doesnt want to feel secure financially. But your dealing with someones feelings and you dont want to lead your bf or your ex on.

    This is a situation in which you have to weigh your pros and cons, because even though you will feel more stable with your ex he is your ex for a reason, and you been with your bf for 3.5 years thats a long time to be with someone then ditch them because there in a rut, you should probably stick around to see if he will do better but dont let him move with you because if you decide hes not the one it could be hard to get him out

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  • You are in no way ready to commit to this guy. Don't make any plans that include him in your future.

    He's also a bit flighty: what??? He was more or less out of work for a good chunk of time and then he reneged on a job offer? This is not somebody who is a good bet for your future, plus he did this without discussing it with you. He doesn't know what being a couple and partnership is.

    My advice:

    Say goodbye to this guy. And do not date anybody for a good long while, not even your ex --- you'll be making a decision based on vulnerability. Remember: he is your former boyfriend for a very specific reason.

    Don't date anybody for a good  long while; get settled into your grad school and then, after a dating moratorium, re-evaluate what it is you want in a lifelong mate. Because it sure isn't your current BF or the guy you used to date. GL.

  • I'm curious how you're going to live together with you in school and him working min wage?

    The economy is tough and it's hard to find good-paying jobs.  But if he's demonstrating a lack of effort (quitting before orientation - Huh!?) then I'd say you guys aren't ready.  Or at least he isn't.

  • If you are even entertaining the thought or idea that your EX is better, dump the other guy. Then stay single for awhile and figure yourself out. Your EX is your EX for a reason, if the only thing calling you back to him is his employment status, that is kind of shallow. 

    This economy hasn't been kind to anyone. I know people with masters working "minimum wage" jobs. He is WORKING. He isn't sitting around wasting his days away playing video games. He doesn't have to ask you if he can leave a job, you aren't married and you don't live together.

    I hope you are able to find a job when you are done with school. I wonder if you would be the type to find a job, any job or not.  

  • Let me explain something to you.  He's your boyfriend and therefor can do what ever the hell he want's for a job!  He's not your husband yet and get off his *** about it.

     

    You sound like a ***

     

  • It sounds like you've outgrown this relationship.  That doesn't mean you should go back to your ex-boyfriend, though.  Being single for awhile, exploring your new city, and building your own life as an individual would do you a lot of good.

    And feel free to ignore ROFL- of course it's acceptable for you to have standards when dating and considering whether you want move in with and spend the rest of your life with someone.

  • I agree w/ Renegade. When we aren't happy in our current relationship than we often romanticize our past relationships. They are in the past for a reason. Perhaps you should move and have some time to be single and explore yourself. 
  • I moved in with my DH because I couldn't imagine NOT living with him and being with him every day. I had zero doubts about it.

    To me it sounds like you don't want to be with your current boyfriend at all, much less living with him. I'd give serious thought to that before you even consider moving in together.  And don't talk to the ex at all until you figure out what's going on with the current.  That's just going to complicate things more.

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  • I wouldnt do it if I were you.  You are not 100% sure you want him to move in so why do it?  You dont see him being ambitious AND you are thinking of your ex.

     

  • image renegade gaucho:

    It sounds like you've outgrown this relationship.  That doesn't mean you should go back to your ex-boyfriend, though.  Being single for awhile, exploring your new city, and building your own life as an individual would do you a lot of good.

    And feel free to ignore ROFL- of course it's acceptable for you to have standards when dating and considering whether you want move in with and spend the rest of your life with someone.

    I didn't really see anywhere that it says it's wrong for her to have standards. What I saw was they aren't married so she really doesn't have much input on what he does job wise. Which is true. He shouldn't have to have her word on what he does. They don't live together and therefore don't share payments...and they aren't married. So none of this directly affects her. I think she could have an opinion on it but again her say or input is not the final say. Now I think he could have gone without the name calling...that doesn't get anyone's attention except with negativity. Then automatically they think "f*ck you" and just brush off your advice.

    Also if he is not at least willing to hear her out or show that he wants to change on his own terms then yea she is smart enough to get out of there. Sometimes things are not meant to be and you should get out before any major commitment. OP do not move in with this guy and if you feel strongly enough to leave him then go ahead. But don't do it for an ex do it for yourself. Then it just seems like you found something better...which if he is an ex how much better can he be? If you guys weren't meant for each other then you aren't meant for each other now

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  • I would be hesitant as well to let him move in with you. It's one thing if he had lost a job and is still searching for one but to quit before orientation was even done?!? My husband has lost a job and he worked anywhere he could to make money and he worked as many jobs as he needed to make sure that we wouldn't get behind on anything.

    I definitely wouldn't let him move in if you feel like he will just be using you. Especially if he moves and doesn't get a job soon. The fact that he didn't discuss with you first about quitting seems he's not involving you in his decisions and trust me when you live with someone every decision made then will definitely need discussion before hand. If you are having all those negative emotions about it then I would tell him and give him you're reasoning. And if it does turn into him moving in with you, put limits on how long he can stay without having a job.

  • You sound very unsure of this relationship.  Moving in together when you are this unsure is a very bad idea.  It will make it very difficult to break up with him if you decide that is what you want to do.  Even if things do work out with him and you decide to get married in the future, you never want to look back and wonder if you only stayed together because you couldn't afford to move out when you wanted to break up.  
  • I moved in unsure before and it did not end well.  Plus, if you're having second thoughts about not only moving in BUT getting back with you're ex I would hold off on moving in.  If you end up the bread winner and/or he isn't holding up his share that will put a major strain on your relationship as well.
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