Relationships

Best friend asked to move in with us?

So... My very best friend needs a place to live for 6 months. My husband and I are newlyweds (summer 2012), and bought our first home in September.


Since we now own a house, my friend asked if she could move in with us temporarily. She offered to pay rent. I've known her for 10 years, and my husband grew up with her since kindergarten.


I love her dearly. The problem is that the thought of my husband and her in the house when I'm not there (I work long hours and travel often for work) makes me anxious. Of course I trust them both. But it still makes me anxious... they get along very well and, without sounding pathetic, she actually "fits" into his family much better than I do. In fact, his mother often talks about her and how much she likes her. She has the same corporate career path as everyone else in his family... whereas I'm more of a "free-spirited" artist.


Am I being crazy/paranoid? I'm a little insecure of myself, perhaps. I want to make sure our new marriage is protected and don't want to invite any unnecessary stress/tension... but I also don't want either of them to think I don't trust them... and my friend is very excited to live with me (she's already buying items for her "new bedroom")...

Re: Best friend asked to move in with us?

  • I am sorry but I would just politely tell her no. If she can pay rent, she can pay rent somewhere else.

    We allowed my BIL to stay for 6 weeks. He was a dream of a roommate and was barely there as he was working  so much. Despite this, after a month, we wanted our home back to ourselves. I couldn't imagine 6 months! 

    If you make this about wanting and needing to be alone with your husband in your new home with your new relationship and not about your insecurities of them having a potential relationship behind your back this should be pretty easy to explain to her.


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  • No is a perfectly acceptable answer to this request. 
  • image spikeinc:

    If you make this about wanting and needing to be alone with your husband in your new home with your new relationship and not about your insecurities of them having a potential relationship behind your back this should be pretty easy to explain to her.


    Yep, I agree. I would never ask a married couple (even friends) to disturb their privacy for such a long period of time. She should have asked for your help to find a place, that much you can definitely do, but not to live with you. 


  • image chickadee89:

    So... My very best friend needs a place to live for 6 months. My husband and I are newlyweds (summer 2012), and bought our first home in September.


    Since we now own a house, my friend asked if she could move in with us temporarily. She offered to pay rent. I've known her for 10 years, and my husband grew up with her since kindergarten.


    I love her dearly. The problem is that the thought of my husband and her in the house when I'm not there (I work long hours and travel often for work) makes me anxious. Of course I trust them both. But it still makes me anxious... they get along very well and, without sounding pathetic, she actually "fits" into his family much better than I do. In fact, his mother often talks about her and how much she likes her. She has the same corporate career path as everyone else in his family... whereas I'm more of a "free-spirited" artist.


    Am I being crazy/paranoid? I'm a little insecure of myself, perhaps. I want to make sure our new marriage is protected and don't want to invite any unnecessary stress/tension... but I also don't want either of them to think I don't trust them... and my friend is very excited to live with me (she's already buying items for her "new bedroom")...

    This part seems strange to me.....is it just me?

  • Why exactly does she need to move in?
  • image spikeinc:

    I am sorry but I would just politely tell her no. If she can pay rent, she can pay rent somewhere else.

    This was my first thought, as well.

  • Wants to move in because she lives across the country and has an apartment there... She has to do clinical rotations at a hospital (part of her PhD requirements), and put in a request to do them back "home". She's already been accepted into the program out here and can't change the location. Our new house is near the hospital she will be working at. And she will still be paying rent on her out-of-state apartment.

  • Hmm, maybe that's why I've been feeling so off about it! Because we are a married couple now. We aren't just "boyfriend/girlfriend" anymore and we wouldn't be normal "roomies"...
  • ** that ***. I recently had a friend ask if she could live with us because she was getting a divorce and didn't want to see her husband who co owns their home. This was in September. We bought our home in August. My answer was a resounding no. I don't want to share my food, space, time with anyone in the comfort of my home. Sex with the wife would have to be kept quiet, limited to the bedroom!  Screw that. My wife pretty much agreed.  

     

    Saying you have anxiety about it is the same as having trust issues sweetheart.  They are the same. You don't trust him or her. There's no reason this person needs to live with you guys. It's your home say no ad don't bother explaining why. It's none of her business why and she should figure out why on her own.  

  • One of DH's close friends stayed with us for 3 months when he got out of the Army to get on his feet back here at home, and we have had other friends stay with us too for long periods. Let me tell you that it always caused us extra stress in our relationship no matter how close we were with the friend. Can you help her look for another place near by with low rent? Especially adding the security issues, I would definitely say no to this request.
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  • It is still perfectly acceptable to say " No."  If you don't want a roommate, you don't want a roommate.  Simple as that.
  • This was not a hard question to answer. No!!! You and your hubbie are still newlyweds first off, then second your not home that often, and his parents like her. Are you sure this isnt a set-up?

    The only way I could let a friend stay is if my hubbie was away most of the time and if she had no other place to go but on the streets, then we have to take into consideration how close of a friend she is, how long youve known her and the number one question Does she sleep around? 

    Now you decide......

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  • Why did she request clinicals in an area she didn't live in without first having a place to live? That's just poor planning. 
  • For two weeks, maybe.  But for any longer I'd also say no.  If there is a hospital nearby, there are probably people advertising rooms for rent. So she could rent a room from someone else.  That will still keep her costs down.  If it's her home town, she probably has other people she knows she could live with too.  

    I think you are smart to voice concerns.  So many people don't and it creates unnecessary stress/problems in a relationship. 

  • It is never a good idea to have another adult come to live with a married couple. It is one thing to care for an elderly parent but even that is taxing on any relationship. A simple, sorry but you need to find other accommodations is in order. She knowingly chose a location, that is her problem. 
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  • Why does she particularly need to move in with you and your H?

    Say no to this. it is not a good idea to have people living with you.

    Let her get 2 or 3 roommates and find an apartment somewhere: problem solved.
  • Um...it seems you are totally contradicting yourself. How can you trust people but not trust them to be alone? That doesn't make any sense. Is she known to be somewhat shady? If not then you do seem extremely insecure. Who cares if your the more free spirited artist and she is the corporate type. I think it's awesome you are the free spirited type. Well I might be biased considering painting, photography and things like that are fun to me. But either wayI think you should help out your friend, hold your own, work on your confidence, and know that if any issues pop up that you have every right to kick her out. 

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  • There is absolutely nothing wrong w/ saying "no".  What she's asking is a HUGE imposition on anyone - newly married or not.  Huge.  It's one thing to ask "Can I stay a week or two while I find a place", but to ask to stay that long?

     Say no.

    BUT I agree that your concerns are a bit "huh?".  To waht jnjumommy said - you say you trust them, but then you say you dont' want them to be alone.  That actually means you DON'T trust them.

    So yeah, I think you are oddly paranoid.  not wrong in wanting to say no, but your reasons/reasoning is just odd.

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  • Gah, I know. I've always been a walking contradiction. I think you're right... maybe my self confidence is more to blame than anything else! Perhaps that's what I need to work on most. And perhaps I'm taking it out on those least-deserving... by not trusting them when I have no reason not to (even though I say/wanttofeel that I do).

  • image tiffanysbride:
    It is never a good idea to have another adult come to live with a married couple. It is one thing to care for an elderly parent but even that is taxing on any relationship. A simple, sorry but you need to find other accommodations is in order. She knowingly chose a location, that is her problem. 

    Meh, I'd disagree. We've almost always had roommates and in some places it is very common to have house/room/flatmates as adult married couples. We even have one now and we have kids. 

    If this is "back home" for her, doesn't she have any family there that she could stay with?

  • Have you made a final decision about your friend moving in? I dont like the fact that she is excited about it when you didnt even give her a solid ok.....or am I wrong about that?
  • image catsareniice1:
    Have you made a final decision about your friend moving in? I dont like the fact that she is excited about it when you didnt even give her a solid ok.....or am I wrong about that?

     Agree!

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  • image spikeinc:

    I am sorry but I would just politely tell her no. If she can pay rent, she can pay rent somewhere else.

    We allowed my BIL to stay for 6 weeks. He was a dream of a roommate and was barely there as he was working  so much. Despite this, after a month, we wanted our home back to ourselves. I couldn't imagine 6 months! 

    If you make this about wanting and needing to be alone with your husband in your new home with your new relationship and not about your insecurities of them having a potential relationship behind your back this should be pretty easy to explain to her.


    We did the exact same thing and BIL was the same way...the perfect house guest....but after a month, I missed walking around in my undies lol

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  • I think six months is way too long- it will really change the dynamic of your marriage. I had a friend move in for about a month and although we had a really good time, my husband noticed I treated him differently and he was happy once the month ended. If it had been any longer than that it would have been a real strain. If it was a shorter period of time I might say go for it, the extra money could always be helpful and it might be nice to have a girlfriend around but a month or two is probably the most I would do :)

     

     

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  • I having a differing opinion then most on here it seems but here goes. You say in the beginning that this person is "your very best friend" and in my opinion this is something you would do for a best friend. Yes it is an inconvenience to you life but it isn't easy to get a 6month lease for a reasonable price and giving you rent is probably still cheaper. That being said the only way it could work is if there are clear boundries in the house. Some space needs to be "you&yourH" strictly and not just the bedroom. This needs to be made clear to her. Open communication is also a key. To anwser you last question I do think you are being somewhat insecure but I can do that myself so I won't judge. But trust you husband you married him for a reason :)

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  • You need to say no to this. You guys need your time alone. Help her find something else. Best friend or not I find it a little disrespectful she would even ask you this.
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