Relationships

Husband's negativity bringing me down

DH doesn't really handle stress well. He never has, but I have gotten used to it, for the most part. But it seems like lately every little thing triggers another bad emotion from him. We're looking to buy a house, and literally every house we have been interested in has fallen through. Someone outbids us, the roof needs to be redone, it's got water damage, someone else already has a contract on it, it's too expensive and the seller is not willing to negotiate.. the list goes on and on. Well, I think yesterday DH hit his tipping point. We put an offer on a house (we thought it was "the one") on Saturday. Sunday night we found out we didn't get it (we were outbid, again). Dh was super upset, but I tried to reassure him that there are more houses out there and we'll find the perfect house. He just said "all of the houses we've put offers on have been perfect- we just can't have them." Which, it's true, we don't even bother looking closesly at houses that don't fill all of our needs, and all (11!!!) of the houses we've bid on have been amazing. He was bummed about the house.

Then he found out he was losing both of his FF lagues. He threw his phone accross the living room, and actually almost hit the cat (although I know that was an accident, since she was sleeping behind the thing he almost hit). But still. Throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to solve anything.

All day he has been very aggrivated and is taking it out on me, which I think is totally unfair. I asked him if he was mad at me for something, and he said "no, I just had a crappy weekend." That really pissed me off, because all he did all weekend was lay in bed (because he had a hang-over), cancel the plans I had with my friend so I would go out with him instead, and watch football with his guy friends. Meanwhile, I had to clean the house to have guests over, cook dinner every night, do laundry because DH complained about not having any clean socks and was "too sick to do it himself," take care of him while he was hung-over, go into work 4 hours on Sunday so I didn't miss any deadlines, AND make 5 dozen cookies and a cake for a dessert swap we were doing at work.

He's complaining about how much his life sucks, when really, he's got it pretty good. Sure, we live in a tiny, sort of crappy condo, but at least we have a home, at least we have jobs that we both enjoy, at least we have food, and our families, and great friends. Everytime I try to tell him to just calm down and think about how good he has it, he just pouts and says he wants more. His attitude is really turning me off.. He has been so negative lately and it's not because of anything anyone else is doing- he is choosing to dwell on the negative things instead of the positive things... How can I get him to take a chill pill and get him to realize his life doesn't suck?

Re: Husband's negativity bringing me down

  • My goodness, what a little sour puss.

    He did what? threw what??? Not acceptable.

    I'd give him a nice little pep talk that he needs to stop the anger outbursts, the drinking (does he do this a lot? if he does, you have a whole other prolbem) and that he needs to get into the game and start acting like an adult even though life sucks.
  • Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.

    When he's in a bad mood I stay as far away from him as I can, and I wait until he calms hisself down and then he usually wants to talk things out.

    I have learned that men are like kids they want you to ask them wahts wrong so they can take it out on you and feel better. but that only make the whole house crazy. My advice just leave him to sort out his feelings and when he's ready he'll come to you

    We've been married since 08-31-12
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    My goodness, what a little sour puss.

    He did what? threw what??? Not acceptable.

    I'd give him a nice little pep talk that he needs to stop the anger outbursts, the drinking (does he do this a lot? if he does, you have a whole other prolbem) and that he needs to get into the game and start acting like an adult even though life sucks.

    He drinks a lot- he is a "beer enthusiast." He is usually out once a week with his guy friends, which is fine with me. I think he drank too much that night because I was with him (I am usually not- I don't drink) and so he knew he would have a DD, so he drank more than he normally would.

    I want to just say "Your negativity makes me not want to be around you!!!!" But i think that will just make things worse...

  • image virgo&sag:

    Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.

    When he's in a bad mood I stay as far away from him as I can, and I wait until he calms hisself down and then he usually wants to talk things out.

    I have learned that men are like kids they want you to ask them wahts wrong so they can take it out on you and feel better. but that only make the whole house crazy. My advice just leave him to sort out his feelings and when he's ready he'll come to you.

    When I leave him alone to "sort out his feelings" I start getting resentful. He takes out his frustrations on me (by snapping at me or saying rude things) and I don't deserve that. Yet when I tell him like it is, I'm the bad guy somehow!

  • I think a lot of people are prone to take out their frustrations on other people when they did nothing wrong, even if it's just snapping at you over an innocent question. I'm guilty of having done it on occassion, and so is my husband. I think my husband has done this more than I have though, and when it does happen I talk to him about it when it gets bad. I don't mind if he snaps at me once when he is clearly frustrated over an outside issue, but if it continues, I sit him down and have a serious conversation.

    When I do talk to him about it, I keep my voice low and calm so the situation isn't made worse. I let him know that I don't appreciate being yelled at when I have done nothing wrong, and that it hurts my feelings (keeping the "you" statements out typically helps). He knows this now, and while he works hard to not take out his frustrations on me, he apologizes when he does. I don't like it when he does these things, but we are both human and it is bound to happen sometimes.

    What do you mean by "I tell him like it is"? Is it nicely telling him that you don't appreciate being yelled at, or is it something else? It may just be the delivery of how you are telling him, but I'm just speculating, not accusing you of doing something wrong.

    However, throwing objects is unacceptable. He needs to know that is not okay, and if he is so angry that he feels he needs to throw or hit something, he needs to just go punch a pillow.

  • image klokowac:

    What do you mean by "I tell him like it is"? Is it nicely telling him that you don't appreciate being yelled at, or is it something else? It may just be the delivery of how you are telling him, but I'm just speculating, not accusing you of doing something wrong.

    When I say something like "Don't get mad at me/don't give me an attitude. I know you're upset/frustrated, but I didn't make you that way, and I don't deserve to be talked down to. Especially when I didn't do anything wrong." I could probably say it better, but when I do tell him that he shouldn't give me attitude, it seems like his moodiness increases. He will very sarcastically reply "Well excuse me for having feelings." or something else like that.

  • Your H sounds like a little kid. Instead of having the attitude that confronting him on his outrageous behavior will make it worse, you may want to think it will make it better. Sitting around and placating him until his temper tantrum is over will only teach him that it's okay with you and he will do it again. And again.

    Life is full of stress and part of being an adult, is dealing with it without acting like a two year old. You may want to look into counseling for him and couples also. He needs to find the tools to cope with life. If he doesn't get them soon you are looking at always having to deal with this.  

  • Just a thought......do you talk to him about it while he's still mad or after he's calmed down?  Most people are not in a reasonable state of mind when they're spun up.

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Wow, reading your post, I have to say that I feel like I'm your DH at times. I don't throw things, or yell, but I do get moody and down-and-out about life sometimes, and almost expect my DH to cheer me up. He's the optimist, and I'm the "firey italian". lol. I didn't realize how draining it could be on the other person. :/

    I would say, to not get defensive...but just try to stay positive, even something simple like "i understand you're frustrated, but it'll be ok" and give him a hug if possible.  You know it isn't you that he's upset about, so try not to take it personally. If he starts snapping at you, and continues to be a baby about it, just leave the room and tell him you'll be there for him when he cools off. You don't have to sit there and take his tantrums. Hopefully he will realize that his behavior is not mature or productive at all, and he will learn somehow to handle things a bit more rationally.

     

    image
  • image virgo&sag:

    Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.


    Um no, not all men are this way. Please do not generalize all men just because you and OP picked a crappy partner. Taking anger, rage or disappointment out on your partner is not acceptable. Throwing things at animals? Does he ever throw things at you?  

  • image doglove:
    image virgo&sag:

    Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.


    Um no, not all men are this way. Please do not generalize all men just because you and OP picked a crappy partner. Taking anger, rage or disappointment out on your partner is not acceptable. Throwing things at animals? Does he ever throw things at you?  

    As I said, he didn't throw it at our cat on purpose- she was sleeping behind the thing he almost hit his phone with. He has never been violent towards me (or the cat). I am not trying to say it's ok to throw a phone when you're upset- obviously if it was fine with me, I wouldn't have posted this. But I don't appreciate you painting my husband like some sort of Hulk. I posted this to get some positive feedback, not to be told I have a "crappy partner."

  • image littlemisswitness:
    image doglove:
    image virgo&sag:

    Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.


    Um no, not all men are this way. Please do not generalize all men just because you and OP picked a crappy partner. Taking anger, rage or disappointment out on your partner is not acceptable. Throwing things at animals? Does he ever throw things at you?  

    As I said, he didn't throw it at our cat on purpose- she was sleeping behind the thing he almost hit his phone with. He has never been violent towards me (or the cat). I am not trying to say it's ok to throw a phone when you're upset- obviously if it was fine with me, I wouldn't have posted this. But I don't appreciate you painting my husband like some sort of Hulk. I posted this to get some positive feedback, not to be told I have a "crappy partner."

    Nope, sorry OP doglove is right. I know it isn't what you want to hear but it is what you need to hear.    Good men don't behave like this, they just don't. Bad men do.

    No, this isn't him making mistakes, what you have here are character flaws and character flaws go down to his core being.  They don't just go away. 

  • Wow...aren't you a little judgemental.  I guess you and your partner don't have any flaws.
  • image doglove:
    image virgo&sag:

    Omg i think all men are that way, like they were born with negativity. My husband is the say way at times, I just do the opposite of what I use to do with my ex's.


    Um no, not all men are this way. Please do not generalize all men just because you and OP picked a crappy partner. Taking anger, rage or disappointment out on your partner is not acceptable. Throwing things at animals? Does he ever throw things at you?  

     

    I agree that PP for sure generalized men, but the way I read OP was that her H threw his phone out of frustration, not at anything in particular, and not directly at their cat.

    OP, sometimes I get in a funk for a week or a little more. I'm more of the type to keep it to myself, but maybe could you do something like get your H out for a night and do something fun together to get his mind off of it? I also agree with PP to try not to come off in a defensive way, even if you don't think you are, he might feel challenged by your responses, or like his feelings are not valid.

  • I know how this feels. It's a pain and can really put a damper on one's entire outlook.  Can you take a little trip somewhere, even if only for a night or a weekend?  It is important that you not get dragged down into his drama. A.) for your own wellbeing  and B.) because two people being down is much  more dificult than just one.  Sometimes a little space can work miracles.

     

    good luck!  

  • You cannot control how others act.  All you can do is do your best to stay positive and at peace.  Don't let his crappy attitude affect you.  If you can show what a loving wife you are by doing nice things for him that will make him feel loved and appreciated.  Maybe this will make him realize how lucky he truly is.  Its worth the shot.
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