Relationships

Post college slump affecting our relationship...

Re: Post college slump affecting our relationship...

  • We all go through this in relationships keep being the positive person you are and things will eventually work themselves out. My H is the same way when he lost his job earlier this year you would have thought it was the end of the world the way he was acting, but things are slowly coming together and our marriage is stronger because of it. My advice is to keep encouraging your hunny he'll appreciate it in the long run!!! Its so easy to give up on loved ones when things get hard but what if it was you? wouldnt you want the same support, encouragement and positivity your giving him?

     GOOD LUCK!!!

  • On the off chance that this is real and not MUD:

    A big change in life will usually have an impact on a person and their relationships.  Graduation from college frequently knocks people for a loop and it sounds as if your boyfriend is stumbling to find his way a bit.  Perfectly normal.

    But this is also a good indicator of his personality.  He didn't plan for his future while in college (most people don't) and graduated with a well-known, difficult-to-find-a-job major without expending effort to make contacts and line something up.  Nor does he seem to be looking to relocate to an area that might give him a better shot at a job in his field.  This lack of action could indicate that he just isn't a forward thinking kind of person or signal his ambition level.   

    Your post indicates that his lack of action bothers you.  You are seeing that when the chips are down, he isn't a fighter or a tower of strength.  He may even resent you for the success that you are achieving.  You are getting a true view of his personality outside of the protective cocoon of college.  This is an important opportunity to see what he is like when life is tough.  Now that you know what his nature is, you need to make a decision as to whether you want to be partnered to that for the rest of your life.  You are getting a taste of the "for better and for worse" part of his psyche and now you get to decide if you want to be married to him.

    IMHO, postpone the wedding indefinitely.  Put down no deposits or buy any dresses.  He may just be in a slump and he may turn into the kind of strong, resilient partner you will want by your side.   Or you may see that he isn't the man you will want to raise children with.   

  • This is real, not just something made up.  Things are great when things aren't hard.  He hasn't relocated because I got a really good job where we are now that I have to be at for a year before I can continue elsewhere. When it's not all about money and trying to figure out how to make ends meet, they are wonderful. In all the aspects other than having a hard time picking himself up when things are down, I would love to spend my life with him.
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  • You went to college and don't know the difference between our and are? 

  • image CrystaH11:
    This is real, not just something made up.  Things are great when things aren't hard.  He hasn't relocated because I got a really good job where we are now that I have to be at for a year before I can continue elsewhere. When it's not all about money and trying to figure out how to make ends meet, they are wonderful. In all the aspects other than having a hard time picking himself up when things are down, I would love to spend my life with him.

     ...you do realize that life isn't easy, right? things are always great when they're not hard. but chances are you're going to have a LOT of 'hard' times throughout your life -- especially with trying to manage a job, house, friends, family and kids. It takes a TON of hard work, planning, thinking about money, etc, and if he can't handle that, then it all falls on you.  If you're okay with that - then great. But if you don't want to be doing everything when he falls apart - then get out now.

    Clearly he isn't happy, but it doesn't sound like you're doing much to help.  (though maybe you just havent mentioned it).  Do you tell him you're proud of him for enduring his current job? Do you try to help his back with massages or heat pads, or whatever else might help?  Cook him his favorite dinner on a particularly rough day? etc?   Contrary to popular belief, men ARE a lot like women in that they want to be cared for.  You might also want to do some job hunting for him. Find ways to help him make connections around town (or wherever you might want to/be able to move to).

    As far as bedroom issues...I can think of a LOT of fun things you can initiate with him in a restful position =)  also, I never heard of cuddling or kissing hurting anyones back either. sometimes bringing it back to the basics for a little while can help you feel closer.

     

    Bottom line - understand that hard times are a part of life, and that he just needs a bit more TLC.  I'm sure you'd be as grumpy and unfulfilled if you were doing his job and injuring yourself in the process...and if he's any kind of a good man, i'm sure he would still find a way to make you smile every day.

  • So, he is staying and not relocating for your career? I could see where that might cause resentment. Life is hard, it isn't easy and you both need to adjust to life post college. Much of life results in conversations and struggles with money and trying to make decisions that impact the future. That can be stressful, esp when you add in an injury and unfulfilling job.

    Honestly stop trying to cheer him up, that would annoy the crap out of me. Go about your life and if he doesn't want to go out with friends or what have you, then do it alone. Marriage/post college relationships doesn't mean always being together and willing each other to feel something you don't. If you don't feel like this relationship is for you then postpone the wedding/move on.  

    Oh and as to sex, when stressful life changing events it happens. I would suggest you look at why your self worth is tied to this issue. 

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  • DH and I have been together since we were eighteen.  First, people change.  A lot.  If you went straight from high school to college and don't work while in college, you live in a pretty protected bubble until you graduate from college.  Its easy to have a good relationship b.c. you have almost no life stress, lots of time to spend together, etc.  A lot of people mourn the end of college.  Part of this is a change in circumstances, part is I'm sure the two of you finding yourselves.  A true partnership involves a lot of sacrifice by both party.  Sometimes you will both be up, both be down, you will be up he will be down, vice versa.  You have to develop coping mechanisms for yourselves but also coping mechanisms as a partnership.

     

    This could be growing apart, it could be just a rough patch.  You seem really focused on "the plan": graduate, get jobs, remain the perfect couple.  Both of you need room to find yourselves, have adventures, be individuals, etc.  After college DH and I dated long distance for two years while we each pursued career goals.  Because we met at such a young age, neither of wanted to hold the other back.  We both wanted to fully discover ourselves before getting married.  We got married three years after graduation when we both had jobs, etc.

     

    Slow the timeline on the wedding, give him a chance to figure out who he wants to be, what he wants to do, where he wants to live.  If you continue down this path you're destined for resentment on both ends.

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • image kellbell1919:

    DH and I have been together since we were eighteen.  First, people change.  A lot.  If you went straight from high school to college and don't work while in college, you live in a pretty protected bubble until you graduate from college.  Its easy to have a good relationship b.c. you have almost no life stress, lots of time to spend together, etc.  A lot of people mourn the end of college.  Part of this is a change in circumstances, part is I'm sure the two of you finding yourselves.  A true partnership involves a lot of sacrifice by both party.  Sometimes you will both be up, both be down, you will be up he will be down, vice versa.  You have to develop coping mechanisms for yourselves but also coping mechanisms as a partnership.

     

    This could be growing apart, it could be just a rough patch.  You seem really focused on "the plan": graduate, get jobs, remain the perfect couple.  Both of you need room to find yourselves, have adventures, be individuals, etc.  After college DH and I dated long distance for two years while we each pursued career goals.  Because we met at such a young age, neither of wanted to hold the other back.  We both wanted to fully discover ourselves before getting married.  We got married three years after graduation when we both had jobs, etc.

     

    Slow the timeline on the wedding, give him a chance to figure out who he wants to be, what he wants to do, where he wants to live.  If you continue down this path you're destined for resentment on both ends.

    We did do college apart for all 4 years as a long distance relationship, so I know I've had room to find myself and what I want, etc. I thought he had as well, but as much as I've tried to tell him to apply for things elsewhere and we'll figure them out he just wants to stay where I am. I feel like it's just a slump and not growing apart, as we've been through and each helped eachother through a lot of things. I just felt stuck on what to do to help him get out of the slump. We really looked forward to the end of college because it meant we could finally be together more and enjoy our relationship more, but it's been one stress after other because of it being after college.

    I feel like half the problem is honestly just finances. He's so worried about being so indebt from college that's he's letting it consume him and keep him down, and not being able to find more than minimum wage jobs that are pretty much part time, or manual labor with family friends, is making it harder for him to see things getting any better. I just don't know what to do to make things seem okay for him.

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  • image CrystaH11:

    We did do college apart for all 4 years as a long distance relationship, so I know I've had room to find myself and what I want, etc.

    I'm confused; were you in a long-distance relationship for four years or weren't you? I just don't understand how one can "have room to find themselves and what they want" at the same time they consider themselves to be in a committed relationship. Did you each date other people while you were in college? Where did you go to college? You don't have to say specifically, but if we're talking Eastern, or hell, even Western, that's not really a long-distance relationship.

    It sounds like you want this to just be a slump and you don't want to accept that the only thing you've known since before you could drive might not feel the same way.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:
    image CrystaH11:

    We did do college apart for all 4 years as a long distance relationship, so I know I've had room to find myself and what I want, etc.

    I'm confused; were you in a long-distance relationship for four years or weren't you? I just don't understand how one can "have room to find themselves and what they want" at the same time they consider themselves to be in a committed relationship. Did you each date other people while you were in college? Where did you go to college? You don't have to say specifically, but if we're talking Eastern, or hell, even Western, that's not really a long-distance relationship.

    It sounds like you want this to just be a slump and you don't want to accept that the only thing you've known since before you could drive might not feel the same way.

     

    No we didn't date other people in college, we were together and we still loved being together even if we only got to see each other once a month when school was in session. We went to college 3 hours away, but because of academics, jobs while in college, and other on-campus involvments we didn't get to see eachother very often. I found out who I was and what I wanted through other means than dating a lot of different people, including all of the things I was involved in while in college. "Finding" yourself doesn't have to mean dating a ton of people to know what you want in life. I'm not any less happy with him as a person or our relationship as a whole. I just don't know how to get things back on track for him financially without having to do it for him.

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  • Ok, first - welcome to the real world (don't interpret that as snarky)!  Of course your relationship has been stress-free up to this point because all has been well with the world.  I'm not discrediting your relationship or suggesting you haven't seen your fair share a difficulties over the years.  But now it's real.  A real marriage is imminent.  And now the problems you face have real consequences that impact BOTH of you, colletively.

    Regarding his education - I graduated college 4 years ago and still have NO CLUE what I want to do career-wise. I have a crap job, with a crap boss, with mediocre (at best) pay.  I still go to work every day, bring home a paycheck, and contribute to our household. I've spoken to my husband more times than I can count about my situation.  Should I go back to school? Should I try to find something else? He supports me, his trusts I will make a good decision that will be mututally beneficial. It might take time for your FI to find something. He may hever find something. Or he may have to return to school, get his doctorates and become an English professor. Are you willing to stand by him while he tries to sort this out? (There is no right or wrong answer by the way).

    His job - give the guy some credit! Manual labor is HARD WORK. And he's working, period. Similar to me, my husband was working a crap job for a while. He hated it, he pissed and moaned about it daily.  And I thanked him, at least once a week. "Thank you for what you're doing." Is it something he should have been doing anyway? Absolutely. But I feel it's my responsibility as his partner to encourage him and support him and express gratitude.

    Potential employment - Assuming he's been actively pursuing employment, help him out. Look up postings in related fields. Or find anything you think he might enjoy.

    The sex -sure, lack of sex sucks.  But it's not going to be the last time you hit a low.   Your sexual relationship will have peaks and valleys.  Between stress and physical pain, I don't blame the guy for his disinterest.  You have to learn to not take this personal.

    I get it, it's hard. I've been through/am currently going through it (at least career-wise). It's tough. But life will not stop throwing curveballs your way. Outside factors will impact your relationship for its entirety.  It's those challenges that prove a person's true charater, it's those challenges that test the strength of your partnership.  Look at this as an opportunity to really grow with each other.

    (Most of my advice is based on giving your FI the benefit of the doubt, assuming he's an otherwise good guy who has fallen on hard times.) 

    I would at least postpone the wedding for two reasons - 1.  You want to make sure your financial house is in order before marrying and 2.  You want to make sure he's the guy for you - now is the time you will learn more about who he really is, how he handles life, and whether or not you see him as a lifelong partner.

    Wishing you the best of luck!

  • image keora&james:

    We all go through this in relationships keep being the positive person you are and things will eventually work themselves out. My H is the same way when he lost his job earlier this year you would have thought it was the end of the world the way he was acting, but things are slowly coming together and our marriage is stronger because of it. My advice is to keep encouraging your hunny he'll appreciate it in the long run!!! Its so easy to give up on loved ones when things get hard but what if it was you? wouldnt you want the same support, encouragement and positivity your giving him?

     GOOD LUCK!!!

     

    Your marriage is stronger than what, exactly, Keora?  Your husband is sending explicit messages to other married women.

    image
  • Burn
    image ReturnOfKuus:
    image keora&james:

    We all go through this in relationships keep being the positive person you are and things will eventually work themselves out. My H is the same way when he lost his job earlier this year you would have thought it was the end of the world the way he was acting, but things are slowly coming together and our marriage is stronger because of it. My advice is to keep encouraging your hunny he'll appreciate it in the long run!!! Its so easy to give up on loved ones when things get hard but what if it was you? wouldnt you want the same support, encouragement and positivity your giving him?

     GOOD LUCK!!!

    Your marriage is stronger than what, exactly, Keora?  Your husband is sending explicit messages to other married women.

    Hehe.  Burn!

    Burn

  • Oh boy, only once a month? So, Ferris, huh?


    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:

    Oh boy, only once a month? So, Ferris, huh?


    Once a month is still hardly seeing each other. If you dot have anything to say other than criticize what you consider to be long distance, don't keep adding to the conversation.  

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  • So... you are planning to marry the only guy you've ever dated, and you've been together since you were 15. Now your fiance has finished with a degree that can't get him a job, he's miserable and only working sometimes.

    Why are you engaged and rushing down the aisle with this guy? Because you love him and can't imagine life without him? This is the only guy you've ever dated, you don't know how much better (or worse) it could be.

  • I married my college boyfriend and I have to say that first year out of college was the hardest.  I had a tough job with terrible hours, he had a job that paid crap that was literally turning his hair gray.  We bickered a ton and both of us were considering walking away (not engaged at this point).  But we both loved each other and at the end of the day when he was wallowing in self pity all he wanted was someone to tell him that this was temporary and that things would get better.  We stuck it out, we both switched jobs, its a million times better and were happily married and out of that rough patch.  Jobs and finances can put a huge strain on a couple.  If you just graduated last May, give him sometime to figure it out and realize this SUCKS for him.  He's literally doing back breaking work and not pursuing what he loves to do.  Give him a break and be the support system you've promised him you'll be.
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  • I married my first boyfriend, whom I met in college, and the first year after undergraduate graduation was by far the hardest of our relationship (out of 12 years together now).  The first year after he finished grad school was pretty hard too.  Transitioning to "real life" is difficult, and it's going to test the limits of your relationship.  I'm glad we stuck it out, because we are very happy now, but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.  

    One of the things about being straight out of college is that you get to experience "for poorer" right away, and see how you each handle it, and if the other person is worth it.  I appreciate your desire to be with someone who already has his sh!t together, and on the one hand, I'd like to tell you not to settle for anything less.  But what about this point of view?  He deserves to be with someone who appreciates the sacrifices he is making, someone who will love and support him and not hold it against him that his best is a bit limited at the moment.  Given that we are all supposed to demand someone who overlooks our own flaws, yet we are not supposed to overlook anyone else's, it's kind of a miracle that any relationship works.  You have to ask yourself, is this who he is, or is this where he is right now in life?  With the person you marry, you have to be able to trust that he is doing the best job he can with whatever unfortunate hand he was dealt by life, and you have to be ready to help and support him.  If you stay together, this isn't going to be your last difficult spot, or the last time you stand by each other "for poorer", "in sorrow", "in sickness", or "in bad times." You have to be the sort of person who can have that kind of faith and provide that kind of support.  And he has to be the kind of person who deserves it.  (And vice versa, of course!)  

    If you don't know this about him (or yourself) by now, you should certainly be able to figure it out long before a July '14 wedding.  

  • I hear ya! I haven't been dating my boyfriend nearly as long (16 months)...but he is definitely not happy-go-lucky lately. I think it's just the economy and such...hopefully soon they will find better jobs and our relationship can prosper, but there isn't really any good advice to give. You have to keep being the positive one though...That's what I keep telling myself. You can't let him get you down. 
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