Relationships

I really need some help..

I don't know how to do this.. I need to stop being such a pain in the ass *** to my husband. This is going to be long..

I have always, since as long as I can remember had mood swings, or more like, just an anger swing. When I was a kid/teen it was always directed at my mom, who was nothing but nice to me. She is a great mom and always was, I would just get mad over the stupidest crap and then throw a tantrum. I'm happy to say that our relationship has been repaired since I moved out and got married.

We've been married almost 5 years, and the whole time I have had these fits.. I just get mad at him and will chew him out and escalate until he is mad too. He is a very calm kind of person and has just put up with it the last couple of years.. they haven't been that often. Usually it happens at night when I'm really tired or when I'm hungry and something annoys me. It's not even him, it's just anything that sets me off and I direct it at him.

Since my daughter was born, it's been worse, and worse the last few weeks especially as we've all been sick and it's just been really hard. I love my daughter and family more than anything, and I don't want to tear it apart and I don't want to teach my daughter this is okay. 

 I just don't know how to stop. I am always trying to come up with ways to cope and to just not freak out and in the moment, I just never remember any of it. I remember afterwords and then feel terrible for the next day or two.

Last night I did it again and today my husband sent me an email while he was at work saying something has to change and that he's considering pulling the plug on us, paying child support.. or having me get a job and him stay home, but I know that none of this will fix ME. I will still have these freak outs and still direct them at whomever I love. I am scared I will start to do it to my daughter as she gets older.

I just need some advice.. I feel like the worst mom in the world. This isn't what good mom's do.

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Re: I really need some help..

  • Oh honey. First, *HUGS*. You're not alone. You're not broken. Sharing this is very hard because it's 'not talked about' and it's embarrassing, etc. But, honestly, lots of people have problems like this. In fact, JUST THIS MORNING, I talked with my therapist about how this manifests in me, and what I can start doing to try to stop it. I'm going to start TTC soon and I don't want to pass the anger cycle on. I'm proud of you for speaking up and being brave and being willing to try to fix this.

     

    If you can afford therapy (if insurance covers it) I'd start there. Therapists aren't for 'sick people' they're for people who want to be even better versions of themselves and go to an expert for tools to get there. It's no different from a personal trainer to get in shape. You need tools to get in emotional shape.

     

    The concrete thing I'd recommend in the mean time, is focusing on what you can change vs. what you can't. You can work to keep your blood sugar stable. Eat more snacks. Monitor that. You can realize that when you're tired you're more susceptible to problems, and try to avoid hard topics late at night.

    When you're getting that basic self-care underway, I'd move to THOUGHTS vs. ACTIONS. You can't control what thoughts you have (for the most part) but you CAN control what you do about it. You can control what you say, how you act, what you throw/break/slam/etc. I'm focusing right now on as those feelings start to boil over remembering that my pattern is to lead toward an action I'm embarrassed by that can scare my partner AND I DON'T WANT THAT. I'm starting to use that to derail the progression into scaryville.

     

    Beating up on yourself will only make this harder. You are a person who has patterns you don't want to hold on to that you will need to WORK to break, but you can. They don't make you a bad mom or a bad partner or a bad person. You're on a path toward the best you you can be. 

  • I think you should call to make an appointment with someone tomorrow. Honestly I am surprised you have not done so sooner, as you say it is something you've dealt with for years. In the meantime let your DH know that you understand that you have a problem/issue with this and want to change. If you can talk to him without getting angry or defensive, see if he is willing to support you while you work through this. If possible until you have the tools to deal with this issue try to remove yourself from the situation when you feel like you are at your breaking point.
    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • I can relate to this.  I was also a moody teenager, and as I got older, it did get better but was still there.  

    Eventually I went on anti-depressants.  That seemed to help a lot for me.  And I had to make a conscious effort not to get upset at anything.  So when I started feeling mad (usually about small things: dog barking and waking up the baby, my husband leaving dishes on the coffee table or the inlaws- the biggest one I think), I made myself think of how lucky I am to have all the things I have.  My daughters health (I know of someone who's 10 month old daughter is passing away today in the hospital), a roof over our heads (and warmth), steady jobs, food, and love.  All these things are basic needs, yet there are so many people who don't have them.   Reminding myself that there are more important things to devote the energy to that I use by getting upset, it just helps distract me from that anger.  And then moments later, I've turned that negative energy into positive.  I will say it took me awhile to get into this habit.  But over time, it got easier.  I still sometimes have to remind myself anytime I get upset of the great things in my life, but it's easier and instantly I feel better.  

    The other thing is living like each moment could be your last.  Since our future is uncertain, I don't want to spend my last moments filled with anger.  I'd like to be happy and have those remember me as being happy and nice.  

    I'd start with counseling.  Find a new counselor if you think your other one wasn't helping.  It's hard to find someone you connect with. Maybe twice a week. Then if it's not better, I'd discuss the options for anti-depressants with your doctor.   You sound like a great mom who just needs some help. We all do from time to time.  Good luck!

  • I can relate. I am a hot-head, I blame it on my Irish blood. My Dad is the same way, we're two peas in a pod. When we're pushed to a point and our anger/frustration boils over, people better watch out.

    That said, even though I can relate, it doesn't make it normal or ok.  I think you know that.  I was also guilty of taking my frustrations out on those closest to me.  It's plain old wrong, and not the way we should treat the people who love and care about us most.  Here's how I've managed to reel it in over time:

    1 - Stop and think before you speak.  If your husband pisses you off and you're about to react - STOP!  Take a breather.  Because if you choose to react with what's on the tip of your tongue, you're asking for a defensive response, thus instigating a fight.  So take a few minutes, count to 10, meditate, do whatever you have to do to calm down, then reassess.  Chances are you will find that your gut reaction was unwarranted in the first place.

    2 - Reason with yourself.  Understand you're being irrational and tell yourself so.  Sometimes I have to talk myself out of being pissed off.  "Jemma, stop it. You're being ridiculous." I'll repeat it like a mantra until I calm down.  I'm sure there are better mantras out there, I'd try to find something that hits home for you. 

    3 - Remember the love.  You love your husband, you love your little girl.  Treat them like you love them.  Don't hurt them.

    4 - (I could be off-base with this one but figured it's worth putting it out there...)  If you're anything like me, you avoid confrontation with strangers, co-workers, friends,acquaintances, etc.  And those little things those other people do, you bottle them up, and they come out when you have the opportunity to take it out on husband, someone you KNOW will allow you to "get away with it" so to speak.  Stop doing this.  If someone else upsets you, deal with it then and there so it's off your chest and out of your mind.

    5 - Again, my anger was acutally a result of anxiety and fear.  I didn't know how to cope so I'd just mad as hell instead.  If you feel generally anxious, it might help to take anti-anxiety medication.  I take it, my Mom and Dad also, and it's made a world of difference for us.

    6 - Finally and most important - seek the help of a therapist immediately.  It's not fair for your husband and daughter of course, but it's also not healthy for you.  You have to be the best YOU if you want to be the best wife, best mother, best daughter you can be.

    Wishing you the best of luck.  Keep us posted.

  • image JemmaWRX:

    I can relate. I am a hot-head, I blame it on my Irish blood. My Dad is the same way, we're two peas in a pod. When we're pushed to a point and our anger/frustration boils over, people better watch out.

    That said, even though I can relate, it doesn't make it normal or ok.  I think you know that.  I was also guilty of taking my frustrations out on those closest to me.  It's plain old wrong, and not the way we should treat the people who love and care about us most.  Here's how I've managed to reel it in over time:

    1 - Stop and think before you speak.  If your husband pisses you off and you're about to react - STOP!  Take a breather.  Because if you choose to react with what's on the tip of your tongue, you're asking for a defensive response, thus instigating a fight.  So take a few minutes, count to 10, meditate, do whatever you have to do to calm down, then reassess.  Chances are you will find that your gut reaction was unwarranted in the first place.

    2 - Reason with yourself.  Understand you're being irrational and tell yourself so.  Sometimes I have to talk myself out of being pissed off.  "Jemma, stop it. You're being ridiculous." I'll repeat it like a mantra until I calm down.  I'm sure there are better mantras out there, I'd try to find something that hits home for you. 

    3 - Remember the love.  You love your husband, you love your little girl.  Treat them like you love them.  Don't hurt them.

    4 - (I could be off-base with this one but figured it's worth putting it out there...)  If you're anything like me, you avoid confrontation with strangers, co-workers, friends,acquaintances, etc.  And those little things those other people do, you bottle them up, and they come out when you have the opportunity to take it out on husband, someone you KNOW will allow you to "get away with it" so to speak.  Stop doing this.  If someone else upsets you, deal with it then and there so it's off your chest and out of your mind.

    5 - Again, my anger was acutally a result of anxiety and fear.  I didn't know how to cope so I'd just mad as hell instead.  If you feel generally anxious, it might help to take anti-anxiety medication.  I take it, my Mom and Dad also, and it's made a world of difference for us.

    6 - Finally and most important - seek the help of a therapist immediately.  It's not fair for your husband and daughter of course, but it's also not healthy for you.  You have to be the best YOU if you want to be the best wife, best mother, best daughter you can be.

    Wishing you the best of luck.  Keep us posted.

     

    Thank you everyone! PP you sound exactly like me to a tee, so I'm going to take this advice and give it a try. Thank you.

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  • If you need help, please go see a doctor and a therapist.  I would start with the doctor to rule out any medical issues.  I would do freak outs too, but mine were hormonal PMDD related, and I was put on a different birth control which helped and an antidepressant that I could take only as needed during that PMDD time.  If you can notice any kind of pattern that will help your doctor with a diagnosis. 

    The therapist will give you coping methods and how to avoid the freak outs.  How old is your daughter?  Even though you have been dealing with this a while, you still could have Postpartum Depression on top of what you were already dealing with from before.  

  • I'm suspecting you might have a case of hypoglycemia.

    Please see your doc and mention your'e concerned you may have it; he'll send you for a simple test (a glucose tolerance) and the results of that test will tell if you've got it or not.

    That you're grouchy when you are hungry is the big giveaway.

    If it turns out you don't have hypoglycemia, maybe bounce what's happening off a counselor. Anger management might help.

    Wishing you luck.
  • We all have moody moments when tired or hungry. Teenagers are mean, moody beasts. 

    It sounds to me that making an appt with your OB first would be the place to start. This sounds like PPD or PPA to me. My H wanted to divorce me almost the whole first  year after I gave birth. I had PPD and anxiety BAD, I finally felt normal when she was 2 with the help of some meds. 

  • image MLE2010:
    We all have moody moments when tired or hungry. Teenagers are mean, moody beasts. 

    It sounds to me that making an appt with your OB first would be the place to start. This sounds like PPD or PPA to me. My H wanted to divorce me almost the whole first  year after I gave birth. I had PPD and anxiety BAD, I finally felt normal when she was 2 with the help of some meds. 

    I agree with this.  Your natural tendencies toward rapid anger rise are probably being exacerbated by post pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep.  

    I would take a whole picture approach to this problem.  I think that you should get a full physical workup to make sure that you are all in balance.  Your thyroid could be out of whack, or it could be your hormones.  Getting everything looked at could find a physical component to your anger issues.

    Secondly, I would find a good therapist especially one who deals with anger issues.  This behavior just didn't start with the baby, so you have to get to the bottom of it all.  You mention your mom -- was your dad in the picture?  The insecurity and rejection that a young child feels from an absent parent can cause them to lash out at any stressor -- like a cornered dog will raise its hackles and growl and bark at anyone *because* it feels afraid.  I would put money on the fact that you feel very afraid inside.

    Your therapist may suggest medication to calm your brain chemistry.  You may also want to look into a behavioral therapist.  You have DECADES of bad life coping patterns to break and new ones to learn and someone who can help you establish new patterns to replace the negative ones will be great help to your long term happiness.

    My final suggestion is Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous.  Now, you may say that you don't have a problem with alcohol, but you do have a drug addiction - to anger.  Anger brings on strong emotions and a surge of brain chemicals.  Those emotions/chemicals make you feel stronger and more confident (like booze or coke) in the moment yet are just as destructive to your life in the long term.  I bet you have lost friends because of your anger.  I bet you have been passed over for promotions because your anger made your bosses dislike you - even if you were great at your job.   

    I think that if you went to an AA meeting, listened to everyone's stories and replaced the word alcohol with anger, you would probably hear your own story.  People abuse alcohol to pacify their fear and pain.  Their bodies have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - just as you have an unhealthy relationship with anger.  I think that if you go to a couple of meetings with an open mind, you might find some help there.

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