Relationships

Post-wedding blues, Side effects from Quitting Birth Control, or Just Crazy? (kind of long!)

I've been married for about two months and, honestly, these two months have sucked a lot. My husband and I had been dating nearly 8 years before we got married.  We met in college and dealt with an LDR for a couple years, then we split up since there didn't seem to be an end in sight.  We got back together and agreed to move in together.  I moved to Pittsburgh, where he lived, even though I really didn't want to live here (it was partially why our LDR stayed long-distant; I didn't want to live in Pittsburgh and he was afraid to move away). I really don't fit in here. I'm used to a more transient culture; people from many different places with many different interests, and it's not like that here.

Nevertheless, I moved here and found that I dislike it here more than I thought.  We have plans to relocate, we just wanted to wait for the wedding to be over before we put them into action.  We spend nearly the past two years planning our wedding, and it was amazing.  Now I just feel worse than before. 

I don't know if it's a post-wedding blues thing or if it's because I've also stopped taking my birth control which has made me a little crazy.  On top of that I have SAD and live in one of the rainiest/cloudiest places in the country.  That and it being winter, make me very tired, but I'm sleeping the same amount of time. 

Also, my Husband has become very busy with work.  We used to carpool to work. Now he drives himself, and usually comes home on time, but is distracted with work emails and phone calls. 

I've just be very emotionally drained. I'm crying nearly every other day. I'm having crazy dreams. I'm agitated by nearly everything my husband does. I find myself not replying when he tells me he loves me. I can't concentrate at my job. I've felt so lonely and don't know why.  Nothing has changed from before the wedding till after.  We were busy with things before, now we're just busy with different things. 

Maybe it's because I expected things to change drastically after our wedding. I guess I thought that once we started to enact our plan to relocate things would just start working out and they aren't and it's frightening with the finality of marriage.  That what if I'll just be this sad and lonely and angry forever.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Is this what they call post-wedding blues or is it because I stopped taking birth control or am I totally nuts? Any advice would be great!

Re: Post-wedding blues, Side effects from Quitting Birth Control, or Just Crazy? (kind of long!)

  • The ONE thing I'm going to touch on is being happy with where you live no matter where that place is. I have lived in all different places and environments. I have my ideal place to live but I can find a way to be happy wherever. Find the good in your city/ town/ country/ state/ neighborhood/ etc. Search it out. It took me a couple of years to really love this city I'm in now. But from the get go I tried finding things that were unique to this city. Fun things to do for free/ little cost. Things that made me feel like I was at home/ favorite places Ive lived. I explored the city as if I was a tourist. I'm still finding new things to do because the city is so big. Granted I miss things about where I've lived before and wish some things were different. But the most important thing is I'm here with the one I love, my husband. The city I lived in previously was when I was a LDR with H. We both loved it and he tried so hard to find a job there. Then a job just landed in his lap so I moved to a place I wasn't keen on at the time. 

     

  • Are you TTC? That doesn't seem wise with

    all that you are going through emotionally.

  • I think it's normal to feel a little sad after a wedding. I have been experiencing the same and my wedding was almost two months ago as well. No more planning or projects or stuff to occupy my time. I think there is a lot of feelings regarding weddings that no one talks about as well. Weddings are happy occasions where you marry the one you love, but there is a lot of loss as well. Loss of the family you grew up with, loss of expectations of that family (perhaps) and other things. Did you change your name? That's a whole different thing that stirs up a lot of emotions as well. Add that to moving to a place you don't like and where you don't have any familyi/friends besides your husband and I would imagine that could be tough. Especially if you are experiencing some distance from your DH. Have you talked to him about this? What is it about Pittsburgh that you don't like? Do you have a time frame for moving? Do you work? Do you have things to keep you busy and focused on yourself and your well being?
  • It could be post-wedding blues, SAD, stopping BCP, or a combination of all three.

    First and foremost, Not that you asked, but I strongly advise against TTC right now. You're unhappy. TTC when you're unhappy is the WORST thing you can do to yourself and your marriage. Just my $0.02. (stated because you're off BCP)

    Advice on being unhappy: 1 - find a way to treat your SAD. There are a few therapy techniques involving light therapy. Call around until you find someone that offers it. 2 - Talk to your DH about paying more attention to you. Your needs are valid, but maybe he just doesn't know that you need him right now. Sometimes you have to spell it out. 3 - When you've been married 6 months, start to discuss in more details your plans to relocate. I say wait 6 months because your DH might need a breather after the weding. My DH asked for only 1 life changing decision per year. Just my recommendation though. 4 - Make friends. I know it's hard as an adult, but it can be done. Join a church if you're faithful. Find a place to volunteer. Take a photography class, etc.

    It sounds like a perfect storm of badness right now - but you can definitely work your way out of it. However, you will have to be proactive. Best of luck!

     

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  • image KLJurewicz:

     Is this what they call post-wedding blues or is it because I stopped taking birth control or am I totally nuts? Any advice would be great!

    Yikes.  I'm going to go with totally nuts.

    Yes, it's normal to feel a little sad when the wedding is over, especially if a lot of your time used to be spent planning and now you're "missing" that activity. 

    But crying ever other day, being agitated at your husband for no reason, unable to concentrate?  That's not normal.  It sounds like you are depressed, and really should see a therapist as soon as you can. 

    And for the love of God, get back on your birth control.  You are depressed and unhappy, getting pregnant right now isn't going to make your life easier.  Wow. If you think that the finality of marriage is frightening, the finality of pregnancy is going to give you nightmares.

    You didn't want to live in Pittsburgh, but you moved there anyway.  You knew that your husband didn't want to move.  You need to find a way to make the best of it.  Hopefully your therapist can help you find ways to do this.

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  • Sorry hun- this is full out depression not hormones from not taking BC or post-wedding blues.  Crying every other day is not normal.  Please see a doctor or a therapist and get your self better.  And I agree, do not TTC until you feel better. 
  • I didn't read any of the other replies, but no, I don't think you're nuts.  I went through a phase like this after I got married, and unfortunately it ruined our marriage.  I was on an antidepressant (which looking back now was dosed too high), a prescribed stimulant for ADD (which I abused), and then came home most nights after work and drank wine and self medicated with herbal matter.  I was bored and lonely and feeling unimportant so I also started unhealthy friendships with men.  My husband worked second shift and I worked days, so we didn't ever see each other much.  So my advice is don't start any of those things that I did, and if you have already, try try try to get away from them.  You may need an antidepressant, I know it helped me in the beginning when the dose was still low.  Try visiting a tanning bed once a week for the light therapy - it really does help.  Think about getting yourself a therapist, someone human to talk to.  Go to church, even if you just sit in the back, the right church can make you feel inspired.  Plan another party - I always liked having candle parties and would invite coworkers over.  It gave me a reason to be motivated to clean the house and I liked planning and hosting. 

    I had high expectations about marriage too, and unfortunately wasn't aware that life becomes, well, just life after the wedding.  I thought we'd be in love forever, that the excitement that came with the wedding and the engagement and the planning of our future would greet me every morning when I woke up.  That's not how it works though.  Life gets stale.  But you have to have it in your brain - and I mean thoroughly, completely saturated in your brain - that bad times, stale times, boring times happen and that you're going to stick it out. 

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  • I went thru something very similar after...  We got married in September of this year, and I was too feeling, like empty, sad, lost and was also getting upset with my husband.  Really, I think its a lot of after wedding blues, also perhaps the BCP.  I too stopped taking my BCP because I got put on some mecication, no not for depression...  That lasted over 2 months.  After I realized this is my life and I need to stop, I didn't want to ruin my marriage, which can seem so easy to do...  Always being unhappy and my actions towards my husband weren't fair.  You are somewhere you don't want to live, but there are awesome things everywhere.  Go explore.  Talk to your husband and explain to him how you are feeling.  You need him to make time for you!  I think if you sit down and have a good long talk with him, and explain how you're feeling it can help.. :)  Good luck and Congratulations on your marriage.  Things will work out, and you're crying, doesn't always mead depression, which so many people are so quick to call it.  Talking with someone does always help, and doesn't necessarily need to be a therapist!  Get out and vent to a close friend, someone... It will feel good to get it off your chest..  Again, best wishes and if ya need to talk feel free to hit me up....  :)  Take care

  • image KLJurewicz:

    I've just be very emotionally drained. I'm crying nearly every other day. I'm having crazy dreams. I'm agitated by nearly everything my husband does. I find myself not replying when he tells me he loves me. I can't concentrate at my job. I've felt so lonely and don't know why. 

    You are not alone at all... this is totally me. And I've been trying very hard to get better.

    It sounds like you've had a lot of change lately, and I think your sadness and anger are from the combination of things.

    I mean think about it

    • you moved... I always get a little "off" for a month or two when I move
    • you moved to a place you feel you don't fit in
    • you're experiencing SAD
    • you've got a little post-wedding blues going on
    • and the icing on the cake: your hormones are out of wack!

    That's a lot going on! You sound like you need some re-centering.

    Yoga? Massage?

    As far as the SAD goes - I got myself what I call my happy light :)  It's for the light therapy that can help with SAD. Talk to your dr about it, if it's severe, don't be afraid to get on some meds. No shame in helping yourself feel better.

    Do you have an exercise routine? That can help alot with the SAD. Some alone time, to jog/cycle/whatever and think about things.

    Make sure to open up to YH about your feelings. He can't help the situation if he doesn't know what's going on. That's been the hardest for me (I hate admitting that I'm angry, depressed,etc,), but it's also been most helpful.


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  • Hey I am feeling the same way you are too. We dated for 8 years before getting married and we've been married for about 2 months now and I agree it sucks. I dont know what it is either but I'm glad someone else feels the same way I do lol
  • I think your problems may be a combination of everything you mentioned.  I would definitely recommed talking to your primary care physician about everything - perhaps you do need an antidepressant, but perhaps all you need is counseling, or you could even be suffering a vitamin deficiency.

     I also want you to know you're not alone - the first 2 months of my marriage were awful.  We're only now in our 3rd month, but we spent 2 full weekends talking and crying and pulling ourselves out of this hole.  The reason we were in the hole was about 25% DH's issues and 75% mine  - I was just so funky and sad post-wedding that I was being awful to live with.  I knew I was and it was like I couldn't stop myself.  Now that we've addressed it and talked about it, I do feel better.

     Does your husband know how you're feeling?  If not, I would definitely try to communicate that to him.  Also, time helps.  I know everyone says that.  But I think part of what is helping me is just time going by - I can't be sad about my wedding being over forever - there is too much else coming at me.  Good luck :)

  • Honestly, I think it's a combination of everything, but most importantly the fact that you quit birth control. I am going through what you are going through to an extent. I just got married in October, and have been with my husband for 7 years. However, I quit birth control in July and ever since then have had a really bad time detoxing from it. I've had everything from extreme anxiety to depression. It made planning my wedding that much more stressful. Take a look at the Aphrodite Women's Health Forum - there are so many women on there going through the exact same symptoms as you. We all have totally different lives and one thing in common - we quit birth control. And I know there are women out there who say that the pill can't do this - I didn't believe it either until it happened to me. Those women are just lucky! Here's a link to the forum... hopefully it'll make you feel a little less crazy :)

    http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=394994#Post394994 ;

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