Relationships

What to do?

So I should begin this by saying that my boyfriend is not a terrible person & for almost 5 years, he has been an unbelievable support & amazing to me. With that said, I do not know what to do now. About a year ago, we started hanging out with friends from his work. He is a firefighter. We partied with them & got to know them. They are a totally different kind of crowd than we are used but we figured hey why not? Well, lately my boyfriend has taken partying to a whole different level. Not coming home or coming home extremely intoxicated & late. Well this past Monday he hit his ultimate rock bottom. He was out with his friends & around 8pm I get a text saying "Key West". Mind you, we live in Florida & Key West is about 6 hours away. I thought he was kidding but nope, he up & went. I was devastated. He came home yesterday evening & we had it out. I told him he has to change. His answer, he doesn't know if he wants to. He means the world to me & acknowledged that what he had done was reckless & stupid, apologized. But now, I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? 

Re: What to do?

  • First I'm sorry you are going through this. Second it is a great learning opportunity! How old are you & your bf? Did he not get the partying out of his system when he was younger, is it immaturity for a young age or is he trying to re-live those years?  Do you have children or a child, it didn't appear to be so.  You've had a long relationship, I think communication is ALWAYS key to any success in any avenue in life.  You need to ask him what is his long term goal? How does this new life style fit in? Would he be amicable to cutting back or including you, are you even interested in this type of life style? A lot of ?s only he can answer, but better now then after your married or having children & your left alone to raise or with a drunk or partier who needs his priorities straightened out.  

    Be brave & courageous. Have that conversation that makes you both feel empowered to take your own way in life.  Either he will man up or party down, but please don't settle or let it go to far.  Address the issue, voice your concerns & make a firm decision.  Not coming home, taking unplanned trips etc is immature behavior, which you are TOTALLY justified in stated that behavior for any man in a committed relationship, is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.  

    Good luck, this will make you a better woman & him a better man!

     

     

  • I am 24 & he is 25. His friends don't get it either. I asked him about how he felt about marrying & he said that I'm all he knows. He said that he isn't sure why he does it but he is having fun  when he's out but then he goes too far to stop himself.  I don't mind going out once a weekend & no we do not have any children. I'm in full time nursing school so I usually have my head in a book. So sometimes it comes down to him sitting around waiting for me to finish versus going out with his friends. We have been through some really difficult things and I truly believe that if he chooses to try to work on this issue, which he said he would do, then it'll work out & we will be stronger & better than before all of this. He isn't sure as to what makes him want to do these things. I know it's not exactly fun here at home. Any advice on things we can do? Maybe this is just a sign we hit a rut or plateau & we aren't sure how to handle it. 
  • image Allisonpaige0901:
    So I should begin this by saying that my boyfriend is not a terrible person & for almost 5 years, he has been an unbelievable support & amazing to me. With that said, I do not know what to do now. About a year ago, we started hanging out with friends from his work. He is a firefighter. We partied with them & got to know them. They are a totally different kind of crowd than we are used but we figured hey why not? Well, lately my boyfriend has taken partying to a whole different level. Not coming home or coming home extremely intoxicated & late. Well this past Monday he hit his ultimate rock bottom. He was out with his friends & around 8pm I get a text saying "Key West". Mind you, we live in Florida & Key West is about 6 hours away. I thought he was kidding but nope, he up & went. I was devastated. He came home yesterday evening & we had it out. I told him he has to change. His answer, he doesn't know if he wants to. He means the world to me & acknowledged that what he had done was reckless & stupid, apologized. But now, I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? 

    Bolded/underlined is your que to leave. Sorry you have to deal with this.. Sad

  • Coming home drunk constantly? GET RID OF HIM. You do not need a boyfriend who is a drunk. You have your wolrk cut out for you; you are not married to this guy. Tell him you are leaving him because he is a drunk and you do not want a drunk boyfriend. And then do exafctly that: Drop his drunk ass.
  • Sorry to tell you this, but BF is trying to tell you that he's not ready to settle. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying that his priorities right now are NOT you and your relationship. Despite whatever words might come out of his mouth about loving you and not wanting to lose you, he is not ready to be the man you want him to be. 25 is a time when many, many people sow their oats and behave very selfishly. Again, it doesn't make him a bad person, it's natural human behavior. Your only option right now is to decide if this is how you want to live. If not, make the decision for yourself to be single, focus on self development, and see how your romantic life plays out. Maybe BF will come around. Maybe you find someone more compatible.

    Also, I hate to be the harbinger of doom, but most of the time this type of behavior leads to cheating. Alcohol+testoterone+poor impulse control = VERY bad decisions. It might be best to extricate yourself before this happens.

    Best of luck to you!
    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
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    Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
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  • He isn't into you or being in a relationship. Break up with him and figure out why you are willing to put up with this. To be honest, my H and I have partied, we are no longer friends with those we partied with. We are in our thirties and ALL of those friends are still doing the same things we used to. Some people just don't want to give it up or stop. 

    Also, by saying you are all I've ever known, he means I'm out with my friends having a great time and cheating  on you. 

  • Sounds like your bf is not ready to settle down. There's nothing wrong with going out with ur friends, but taking off to Key West without notification?? For me would mean Removal for my Social Calendar!! Just saying. You two also met when u we still a teenager, and he said "You're all I know." Maybe it's time to take a break, and meet other people. I did all my partying well before I met my DH, but we still go out with our friends every so often. I'm really sorry ur going thru such a difficult time, and I know how taxing Nursing School is!! I wish you the best of luck!!
  • Just because you've been dating him for 5 years and he previously was a good support system doesn't mean you have to stay with him now. Especially if this isn't the kind of man you want to be in a realtionship with anymore.
  • To me, "you're all I know" means "I am not really in love with you but I'm scared of change so I'm just staying with you out of fear. This guy does not settle down with you.
  • image Allisonpaige0901:
    So I should begin this by saying that my boyfriend is not a terrible person & for almost 5 years, he has been an unbelievable support & amazing to me. With that said, I do not know what to do now. About a year ago, we started hanging out with friends from his work. He is a firefighter. We partied with them & got to know them. They are a totally different kind of crowd than we are used but we figured hey why not? Well, lately my boyfriend has taken partying to a whole different level. Not coming home or coming home extremely intoxicated & late. Well this past Monday he hit his ultimate rock bottom. He was out with his friends & around 8pm I get a text saying "Key West". Mind you, we live in Florida & Key West is about 6 hours away. I thought he was kidding but nope, he up & went. I was devastated. He came home yesterday evening & we had it out. I told him he has to change. His answer, he doesn't know if he wants to. He means the world to me & acknowledged that what he had done was reckless & stupid, apologized. But now, I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? 

    The bolded concerns me. The public is relying on his health and abilities as a public servant. Maybe this behavior isn't safe for the citizens.

  • You started dating each other when you were 19 and he was 20. I agree that "You're all I know" sounds like he's grown apart from you. That's common for people who started dating when they were still kids and yes, 19- and 20-year-olds are still kids.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image Golden42:
    To me, "you're all I know" means "I am not really in love with you but I'm scared of change so I'm just staying with you out of fear. This guy does not settle down with you.
    Sorry, but this is how I read it too. He may be a good guy, but he may not be the right guy for you.

    You need to do some real soul searching. And be careful of over romanticizing this (If we can over come this, we'll be stronger for it). Sure, maybe that will be the outcome. Or neither of you pulls the cord and you try to force a square peg into a round hole and you stay in a relationship that isn't quite working but no one wants to admit it.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

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