Relationships

Long Distance Advice

Okay, so me and my BF are living long-distance right now. He wants to talk all the time and sometimes I just don't even feel like talking. I love him completely, and I don't want to break-up. But is this normal? I feel bad about it, but I don't know how to change it. We are fixing to move in together, but he plans on being in the military. This will not be the last time we are separated. At first I was an emotional wreck, but now I get easily annoyed and not just when I'm pmsing. Please help!

Re: Long Distance Advice

  • Why were you an emotional wreck? and what exactly do you mean by easily annoyed?

    I would need more backstory here to give you better advice.

    Judging by what you have posted, you are either not ready to be separated from him, not ready to move in with him or perhaps the relationship is over and it is winding down.

    I would not make active plans to move in with him until you are sure of your feelings and that you are 100% on the bus with moving in with him because you want to start a life together with him.
  • Define "all the time" because if it's literally all day every day, then something's not right with him. That is not normal. However, I heard that many men that go into the service try to lock a woman down so they feel they have someone waiting and to come home to. It's possible he could be nervous and feels he needs this attachment. I completely understand that needy men are annoying, so try to nicely explain to him how you feel. If he doesn't respect your simple wish to back off a little then you may really want to think about this relationship. I hope i helped a little. Good luck

  • What does "all the time" mean? Daily? Or daily but on the phone and not say anything...just a time waster?

    DH travels and we started dating with a long distance relationship. We do talk daily, but we only do so for maybe 10-15 minutes sometimes. Other times we talk for 30 minutes or more. It depends. We aren't just "hanging out on the phone" to pass the time.

    I agree with PPs, if he is just calling to pass the time or it feels like he is insecure about your relationship, then maybe rethink it and certainly don't move in together.

    But if he truely talks with you and holds conversations daily, about real legit stuff, then maybe you're being too harsh...he could just be a chatterbox. BUt if that personality trait bugs you then, I still think you need to reevaluate this relationship.

  • image Kayla156:
    Okay, so me and my BF are living long-distance right now. He wants to talk all the time and sometimes I just don't even feel like talking. I love him completely, and I don't want to break-up. But is this normal? I feel bad about it, but I don't know how to change it. We are fixing to move in together, but he plans on being in the military. This will not be the last time we are separated. At first I was an emotional wreck, but now I get easily annoyed and not just when I'm pmsing. Please help!
    Let me ask you this: What is it that you want? Keep in mind what being a military wife would mean --- he cold be away from you for a very very long period of time and he could also9 be deployed somewhere. He may not even be gone for one or 2 legs --- he may have several deployments. See if this is what you really want. And it very well may mean that you prefer a boyfriend who is in your neck of the woods for good and a boyfriend who is not so clingy and not so needy. Again: what do YOU want?
  • I have had a problem with running away when I get scared. I broke up with him in the past because of issues I had. I want to be with him, sometimes it just feels like I get numb to the whole separation thing. Plus with moving in together, it kind of scares me. I'm excited, but it's a big step. He's sensitive sometimes and a tad clingy, but when were actually together I'm the same way. So I feel like a hypocrite when I get mad at it. I want him. I just get scared of change I guess.
  • image Kayla156:
    I have had a problem with running away when I get scared. I broke up with him in the past because of issues I had. I want to be with him, sometimes it just feels like I get numb to the whole separation thing. Plus with moving in together, it kind of scares me. I'm excited, but it's a big step. He's sensitive sometimes and a tad clingy, but when were actually together I'm the same way. So I feel like a hypocrite when I get mad at it. I want him. I just get scared of change I guess.


    I dunno --- I'm getting a mixed message here. You're saying he's clingy but in the next heartbeat it's "So okay I am the same way too when we are together" -- clinginess is not a trait to be admired or to flaunt.

    This is the entire gist of it: You both need to be mature enough so that you can stand on your own 2 feet and be able to hack being apart for possibly long long periods of time.

    I don't know where you'll be moving to --- it could be many miles away where there is an entirely different lifestyle than where you are living now.

    You also have to consider the job market -- would you be able to get a job in your field fairly quickly if you relocate?

    And suppose it does not work out with you and iwth him -- what then?

    I also do not know your ages. I am guessing you are both rather young.
  • Did you pick a long distance relationship because it is safe? I have done this in the past. I was too scared to invest in a local relationship, so my first boyfriend and I lived apartment for nearly 5 years. It was really not the best relationship and when we did move to be near each other, it didn't work out within 5 months. 

    Are you in therapy? It might help to deal with your issues of wanting to "run away" from closeness?

     

  • Long distance relationships are hard. We skype every other day if we cant skype everyday and we try to skype for a couple hours when we do. Its important to keep the lines of communication open and if you are not able to spend time together in person you have to compensate by doing other things to keep the relationship going. As with everyone else you have to decide what you want and if your ok with his life goals and his dreams for the military. If your getting annoyed by him wanting to talk and his attempts for the relationship you have to decide if its what you want, if you both are heading down different paths you need to tell him and talk about it and decide if you want to continue or let it go.
  • I'm currently in a (temporary) long distance relationship. I find that I want to talk a lot more than I ever did when we were in the same city, and the reason is that I'm in a really boring place with nothing to do! (Seriously, town of 1500 people! The big thing to do is go to the Lutefisk eating contest!) My man is also away from our 'home base' city and is VERY busy and when he's not busy he's tired because he's working hard. Some part of this may be just an imbalance in how your lives look right now. If he moved away but you didn't, he could be clinging to you because you represent security, or if he is somewhere where he is bored or lonely because of a lack of peers, same thing. That improves. We still, after almost 4 months, Skype daily but I'm much better now about letting him go when I see he needs to work or is just too tired to have a conversation. It takes time to learn how to do distance. I recommend having a conversation about this and maybe try to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to talk all the time. Maybe he's afraid you'll cheat on him, and you can come up with something to address that. Without knowing all the details, it's hard to advise, but I can say that communication is even more vital when you're apart because of the tendency to drift apart when you aren't there to keep up with each others' day to day lives. Talk to him, analyze what could be going on, and work together for a solution.
  • OP, based on how wishy-washy your feelings are surrounding this I would conclude that you are either A) too immature to be making any life-affecting decisions based on this relationship and/or B) in the process of checking out of the relationship.

    Of course, if you were just having a ranting moment - that's understandable. I remember in my own LDR (we're married now) there were definitely moments where I just wanted to be left alone! That happens in LDR and local relationships.

    You need to evaluate how serious your complaints are, it's hard to tell based on the little we've gotten here.

    And please please please make sure you do the research and know 100% what you're getting into with the military. You do know they can up and move him as much as they want and if you aren't married they won't give a flying ***? It takes a special woman/man to be a military spouse - I had committed to the lifestyle myself a few years ago, but the damned fool left me before we actually tied the knot. (He choked and I don't want to be with a man whose instinct is to leave me when the going gets rough - so no second chance was given). To be honest, I'm much happier with the life I have now, so he did me a favor.

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
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