Relationships

Cold feet too late?

So, I got married in April 2012. Since then, my 3 month old niece died, we both lost our jobs, and I just feel like we are falling apart.  I've known my husband since we were kids, we were friends growing up, and didn't start dating until we both were in college.  I feel like we are now living separate lives.  He's working on his masters degree, and working part time, so when he's home he's doing homework.  I just started a full-time job that has me working long hours.  We barely have sex (sorry TMI)  and we're NEWLYWEDS! I love him, and I believe that marriage is forever, has anyone had any experience in this kind of situation? Any suggestions?  

Re: Cold feet too late?

  • It sounds like you guys are both under a lot of stress. There has been a lot of change you can't help right now. The good thing is both of you are working again and he is preparing for your future by getting a masters. I think it would help if you guys planned a date night. It doesn't have to be expensive if money is tight. Just a candlelight dinner and dress up for each other. Plan it ahead of time, so he can know he needs to get his work done before or after. Obviously, you don't want to plan it the weekend he has finals or a major paper due, so work it around his study schedule as well as your work schedules. Good luck :)
  • Sorry for your recent loss of your neice...sending my condolences your way. It just sounds like both of you guys are just going through life itself. This is the reality of life. So it is nothing bad at all. But you both have to do your best to find some type of time to spend together. No matter what it is, from maybe playing cards, watching your fav movies or sitcoms on netflix. renting a movie from red box, ordering take-out, or just simply talking and catching up. I experienced this as far as both me and my then fiance now husband were both in school. He was working on his bachelors and I my Doctorate. It was an extremely busy time. We weren't able to go out every single weekend but even if we just went to go eat lunch together at school or I would go over to his place on Friday nights we had to just plug in something. No matter how busy things really are never be to busy for each other because at the end of the day each other is really all you guys have. Try not to get down or depressed about being so busy...look at it this way you both are really building a strong foundation for yall's future. You can't beat that! Alot of people don't take the time to do that, they just jump right in to marriage and think things are gonna be perfect. You guys just keep up the hard work and I promise it WILL pay off..but in the mean time DONT FORGET ABOUT EACH OTHER! :)
  • Make a DATE NIGHT for each other; no work, no school stuff, just you and him. Big Smile
  • I am sorry for your loss.

    Honestly, there should be no timeline to when you start or stop acting like newlyweds. People's relationships have fallen apart with a lot less stress than what you are going through. I think that you are afraid this stage is forever too. It's not! Life is eternally changing. You will find a way to grieve and move on from your niece's death. He won't always be in school. You two will find your groove again, you just have to keep trying.

    Think outside the box. Plan a date night. Start writing notes, letters, and texts so you can talk, communicate and romance each other while working through your busy lives.

  • Sorry for your loss!!!! Ive been married for three months now, and maybe three weeks after my husband lost his job which has been extremely herd on us because he was the sole provider. But what ive learned the marital counceling is that you will have ups and downs throughout your marriage. This storm that your going through will not last forever just stay strong and keep remembering all the things that made you say i do in the first place.

    Its so easy to walk away and give up when things are bad, nothing last forever! soon youll be looking back on this and smiling and tanking God for bringing you out of your trials.....Good luck to the both of us!

  • I'm so sorry. That's a lot to deal with in such a short amount of time. I know it seems like the last thing you need is another commitment, but I sincerely recommend counseling now, before it gets any worse. Just a few sessions might help the two of you clear some air, verbalize your needs and learn some new coping strategies. Your marriage is far, far from being too bad to fix, but you might need some help to do so. Best of luck to you!!
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  • Counseling and date nights! Please save your marriage....seems like yall are meant to be

    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
  • ((hugs)) I agree with the PPs here, but I just wanted to add:

    With everything going on in your lives right now, don't beat yourself up about the bedroom situation. Stress will just shut down your libido. The important thing here is to have a honest, non-confrontational, honest discussion about that. Are you actually feeling unsatisfied? Or do you just think that you're supposed to be doing it like rabbits and so you feel like you're not "doing marriage right?" How many times a week/month would be enough to make you feel loved, satisfied, and connected as man and wife? What other things outside of actual intercourse are important to you to help you feel loved, satisfied and connected? (Meaningful sex is more than just the biological function). Answer these questions for yourselves, then talk about them together.

    This is a really important part of your connection to each other, so definitely make it a priority to meet each other's needs - but don't put pressure on yourself to meet some sort of quota that neither of you really need. Be honest, and compromise if things are drastically different in your needs. 

    My husband and I are still really new newlyweds - unfortunately we had job loss situations right after the wedding so we are also dealing with the effects it has had on our relationship. I definitely have a higher drive than my husband, but the depression has been crippling to him. We have had to make compromises, and counseling has helped me to realize how to be understanding and identify my needs that he can meet as my husband, and what needs I can handle myself (if necessary...sry TMI but it's true). It has helped him to realize how important it is for me to feel loved and secure that we have that physical connection.

     

    Sorry for the book, but I just want you to know that you guys are SO not alone and you WILL get through this. Don't be afraid to ask for help :) Also, given all that is happening, you may want to think about your individual mental health - could it be a factor? For my husband, that was a big Yes. Identifying his depression and getting help for it has been a huge help for both of us.

    Hang in there :)  

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