Relationships

Torn...

Okay, so my boyfriend just found out this week that he got a promotion within his company, but in a different state. I am super excited for him because I know how much this means to him. We have been dating for over 17mos now and I love him very much. We are a pretty serious couple. Well, he asked me to move with him.....This is such a struggle for me because I am afraid of how my parents are going to react to the news.

I was raised in a very conservative home. So I am sure everyone knows what that means help me out here, "NO MOVING IN UNTIL YOU SAY "I DO"... I know this seems like a easy solution, but really it is not. Lol, I do not want to bore you guys with my life story.... I feel so lost right now as to how to approach them about breaking the news to them. They have done so much for me and I am very blessed for everything that they have went through for me....But at the same time, I feel like this is my choice...

My boyfriend and I have already talked about getting engaged next year, and then try to get married between 8-12mos. So I know that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me, but at the same time I know I am taking a risk at going down there without any guarantees... He took this job because he knows how much I love this state... He is such a great guy to me... (I'm sorry guys I'm very new to this and I know I'm rambling, but I really do not have anyone to talk to about this)

So, I will cut to the chase, I am under a lot of pressure right now with what I should do... How do I approach this situation with my family? I am the only child and this definitely is not going to be a piece of cake... I do not want to hurt anybodies feeling and plus I'm a daddy's girl (so I really value his opinion). I pretty much already know that they will not go for this. I am very torn  because my bf wants me to go with him... Lol I am beating myself up about this really bad. My brain is killing me... :(

Well ladies, thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear for you. This girl could really use some wise advise. :) I hope everyone has an awesome week!

Re: Torn...

  • Not trying to be mean but how old are you? I come from a very conservative family too. But I was on my own after I turned 19. Had my own place, my own car, job, etc. I didn't follow my boyfriend when he moved away. Even though we both wish we lived closer. After 4 years long distance I moved in with him. This really did not sit well with my family. But what were they going to do? I am a grown woman that takes my families concerns and advice into consideration but make my own decisions. We are now hapily married. 

    My advice is do what you feel is best for you, this includes your relationship. Maybe this means being long distance temporarily until you can get a job where he's at. Or you decide to try long distance until he proposes. There are any number of scenarios. I hope it all works out ok.

  • It isn't even so much what kind of reaction your parents will have -- they should put up and shut up since this is your decision and not theirs -- what about weighing other factors:

    Will you find a job in that locale?
    Will the pay be as good as or maybe even better?
    Suppose yu don't find a job at all or it takes you a long time to do so? do you have a Plan B ready in case?
    Suppose you don't like the area -- it could be a very big lifestyle change -- what happens then?
    Suppose you and he don't work out; what happens after that? do you stay in that locale or do you return home?

    Weigh all the factors before you make a move.

    Suppose you do long distance? Would that work for you? or do you positively have to go with him?

  • I think part of being an adult is being willing to make your own decisions and stand behind them, regardless of what your family or friends think.

    So I say you take family out of the equation and consider whether or not you WANT to move and if it's feasible for you to do so.  If you decide to do it, you tell your parents simply and honestly and say that it's not up for discussion and you hope they can respect that you are making the decision that is best for you.

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  • What do you want to do? When I read through your post, I saw a lot about what your boyfriend wants you to do (move with him), and a lot about what your parents would want you to do (get married before moving with him)- but not direct statements about what YOU want.  Is this a smart move for you- could you/ have you found a job there? Do you want to get married in hopefully 8-12 months, or do you want to get married sooner or later than that? 

    When you make your decision, the way to tell your boyfriend and your parents is by owning your decision.  "Joe got a job in CA and I decided to move to CA as well.  I'm so excited to be moving, I've always loved CA.  We found the greatest little place there and we'll be moving in in December!" Or, "I love CA and I love you, but I'm not ready to move with you right now- I know we've talked about engagement or marriage, but I'm really more comfortable waiting to move until we're engaged/ married." Or whatever.  My point was, make sure you're presenting it as 100% your decision.  

    Presenting it this way, by owning your decision, will also do a lot for the relationship between your boyfriend and your parents.  If you were to tell your parents that you're moving because he's a great guy and you love him but you're torn up about it because you just hate to disappoint them, they're going to perceive the conflict as you not really wanting to move before marriage and doing it to please him- which will focus their anger/ disappointment on him.  And if you were to tell your boyfriend that he's a great guy and so good to you but you just can't move with him for fear of disappointing your parents, he will perceive the conflict as you wanting to move but your parents being controlling or you being too attached to them.  

    Best of luck! 

  • If your parents pay for anything, school, car, insurance etc, be prepared for that to stop. Being an adult and making adult choices that differ from your family usually means a stop to monetary help. If they do not pay for anything then you don't have to answer to them on your choice to move with your boyfriend. They won't like it and put up a fight, they could surprise you and be okay with it. Good luck.
  • image Kimbus22:

    I think part of being an adult is being willing to make your own decisions and stand behind them, regardless of what your family or friends think.

    So I say you take family out of the equation and consider whether or not you WANT to move and if it's feasible for you to do so.  If you decide to do it, you tell your parents simply and honestly and say that it's not up for discussion and you hope they can respect that you are making the decision that is best for you.

    All of this. It IS your choice - you're right. And you have to own it. Don't meekly go and say "oh, well, I think I'm going to move" and then look at them hoping to see approval.

    You TELL them firmly (as others already suggested) and say "He's moving to CA and after a lot of thought and consideration, I've decided to move there too. I'm really excited". Don't put it out there that they have a say. They don't.

    Of course they'll push back. Stand firm and don't get into explanations or arguements. Just say "I understand how you feel and I realize you aren't happy. However, I'm an adult and this is my decision. I only ask that you respect this.". And if they say they won't? You say "Well, I'm sorry to hear that.".

    You have to take ANY concept that they ahve a say out of the equation/conversation.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • You sound extremely young.  And if I'm right.........well, even though I normally would say that you should do what you want to do and nevermind your parents, I'm going to have to say otherwise this time.

    How old are you?  Do you have an education past high school?  Do you have a job? 

    If you move with your boyfriend, will you be 100% dependent on him for everything?  What is YOUR plan, for if you do move? 

    I'm sure that your parents aren't going to be happy to hear you say that you're moving to be with your boyfriend, if that is all the more that you've thought this through.  Your parents won't want to see you make what could be a horrible and expensive mistake.  Take what they say to heart, because something tells me that they see things more clearly than you do right now.  You sound very much in puppy love.  And a relationship needs more than puppy love to survive, especially when you heap stress (such as moving a distance away from everything that you know and starting over) on top of it.

     

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  • My last ex before I met my (now) husband moved (back) to the opposite end of the country. His family was out there and my family is here (where we met). My family is very much like yours and would disown me if I lived with a guy before I had a ring on my finger, and as much as I agree you need to make your own decisions (without your parents), I do think family is important and I love my family too much to hurt them. With my Ex (he had told me he wanted to get married eventually and everything), we had planned for me to move out there about 8 months after him and I would get my own place out there (not live with him) and go to school out there. About 3 months after he moved away he decided he changed his mind and was no longer ready to commit to a long term relationship and broke up with me. Change effects people differently, and I think it does put a huge strain on a relationship. You do need to make your own decision, but I think if you decide to go, make sure you are not dependent on him when you do move....get your own place and job in the new state for your own sake and to protect yourself if anything were to happen and the relationship ended (with the added bonus of your parents being able to sleep at night knowing that you are not living with your bf). I also think it might be smart to wait until he is settled in the new state before even making that decision.
  • image ajf3:

    My boyfriend and I have already talked about getting engaged next year, and then try to get married between 8-12mos. So I know that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me, but at the same time I know I am taking a risk at going down there without any guarantees... He took this job because he knows how much I love this state... He is such a great guy to me... (I'm sorry guys I'm very new to this and I know I'm rambling, but I really do not have anyone to talk to about this)

    The big thing I take out of your post is that YOU are not completely sold on this idea. 

    You know that your parents who are sensible, loving people, and only have your best interest at heart are going to throw a lot of sensible reasons about why this is a bad idea. None of that would matter if you were completely sold on the idea and had thought through potential issues and how you and your BF will solve these issues.

    DH and I bought a house together when we were just dating and hadn't even lived together. We discussed our intention to marry and it was left as a vague, "we would get engaged at some point." One day I visited my parents and told them DH and I were buying a house. They were not pleased. They told me I was being foolish, not for any moral reasons, but because they think it's foolish to move in together with no "real" commitment. I nodded and smiled, and went about my business. They accepted things and we all moved on.

    DH and I have since been happily married for 10 years, but I'll be honest the proposal took a little longer coming than I was entirely comfortable with, and I started to think perhaps it would never happen. So I would have a long think about how will you feel if BF doesn't propose for a year, 2 years, 3 or 5? Why not get engaged now? and plan the wedding for when suits. If you're not ready to get engaged, then why are you ready to move across the country for him?

    I don't think there is any right or wrong to what you are doing, but I think you need to KNOW it is right for you, and then calmly and clearly tell you're parents what you have decided.

    Like pp said, it's ultimately not for your parents to decide. They will express their opinion and that's ok. They may even give you things to consider that hadn't occurred to you. That's ok too. It's ok to hear their thoughts and to consider their ideas as part of your decision making process. BUT YOU decide. You don't let them think they have a say, or that you need their approval. 

    Good luck with your decision. 

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  • I think you should write out on a sheet of paper, the pros and cons of moving with your man. That way, you get a better understanding of what you want to do.
  • Yes, I am in my early 20's and I have considered a lot of things. I want to go with him. That is what I want. I do understand that I have to figure out a lot of things with him and about my move down there. I really appreciate your opinions. You guys have given a lot to think about in my situation.
  • I know where you're coming from here. Me and my partner are basically living together already (I live across the road from him at the moment, but my place has become more of an office!) and are properly moving in together next year when our leases end, but I'm also pretty young and although me and my partner have been together quite a while parent's reactions were still a worry for me. However, when we announced it everyone seemed to think it was a great idea, and were happy as long as we knew it was right for us.
    It seems obvious (and what every one else has already said) but I'd say go with your gut on this one :)      Only you two really know your relationship.
  • Since I don't know everything about your life or your situation, I will just tell you what I would do if I was in your situation. I would not move. I'm 24, and being in your early 20's too, I would not move for a boyfriend unless I already had a job lined up in that state. Are you still in college? Or are you just working? I also come from a very conservative family and my H and I were long distance for 2 years when we started dating. If you both are very serious about getting engaged in the future, then being long distance for a short period of time should not ruin your relationship. I would first finish school if you haven't and get a job down there before you move.

    "Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
  • You say you are confident you want to move. Make sure you're moving with the CLEAR understanding that things may not work out, you may break up, you may get your heart broken, and then you're in some far away place alone. Those things may not happen, but they are not impossible outcomes. 

     

    If you move, get a job you actually like. Make some friends of your own. Make sure you have a life that isn't 100% tied to him. Not only is that good common sense in general, it's particularly important when moving far away because an SO got a great job opportunity. 

     

    Good luck. It will hopefully be a great adventure! 

  • Plan for the worst, hope for the best. That is the BEST advice you can be given if you decide to move :) Best of luck!

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
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