Relationships

Mother-in-law Problems? Help ME!!!!!

So I have been with my now husband for over three years.  I met his mother about a year into the relationship and she was not impressed by me from the get go due to my tattoos. (Which my husband explained to her before she saw them that he loved them and she wasn't to comment at all). 

Anyways....I have tried my hardest to reach out and spend time with his family since we were living close to them.  Everytime I was around his mother, she was a complete witch to me.  She would say little comments that no one else would even take a second thought on that I knew were directed towards me.  At the Wedding, she came the day before to help set up.  She walks in and immediately starts to critique everything in the room, the tables are too close, are you sure want to put this here, etc....My husband took my side on all the decorations and she didn't get her way one bit.  Then it comes down to the rehersal.  When someone says that Justin (my husband) is going to start the ceremony at the altar she broke down in tears.  She threw a 2 year old fit because 'it was customary' that Justin walk her down the aisle.  I had never heard of the groom walking his mother down the aisle, but decided that I wasn't going to fight her on it.  After we completed the first round of the rehersal, his mother start to throw a fit again because she wanted Justin to come BACK and get her after the ceremony was complete.  This is something I couldn't give in to because after that he is my husband and no longer her baby.  (ALSO, she has another son who was present and a groomsman at the wedding).

 The day of the wedding, someone comes and tells me she was at a bar drinking before she came up to the venue about an hour before the ceremony.  She comes in and start changing the way my hair looks and trying to put my veil on me, which I had decided it was too windy outside to wear.  I walk out of the closet that had me getting ready in (exaggeration) to grab a breather and notice there are people in the reception hall, people I have never seen before??  ALSO, his mother had been passing out glasses of wine BEFORE the ceremony. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! So anyways I begin to ask them to start moving to the ceremony so we can begin shortly (which I didn't get any of it out) and his mother comes pretty much running across the room and puts her finger in my face and yelling that this is not a job for the bride and I needed to get back in my room.  This of coarse upsets me to the point of tears....so I run back to my room and try to get the girls to fix my make up.  She comes in to apologize, but we could all tell that it was not sincere.

 The small digs and critisizes haven't stopped since and she doesn't invite me to any family functions.... Now how am I suppose to live the rest of my life dealing with this woman?? There is a part of me that wants to sit down and have a one on one and tell her how I feel and another that says I will just send Justin to all his family functions alone and not attend....This is horrible! HELP!

Daisypath Anniversary tickers
PitaPata Dog tickers
PitaPata Dog tickers
PitaPata Dog tickers

Re: Mother-in-law Problems? Help ME!!!!!

  • On the bright side, it sounds like you have a supportive husband with a spine. That's a major plus.

    The absolute best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and your marriage is to not let this woman get to you. Even if she is making those comments in your direction, be aloof. I treat my crazy relatives like five year olds. I let them be crazy, and just smile and nod. Once I lowered my expectations of them, I found myself being a lot less angry.

    You can't change what happened at your wedding (which was horrible, and I'm sorry!) but you are in control of your future. By all means talk to your husband about how you feel, but make sure you don't become the one that's a nag. Let her take that title (and she will). At family functions, spend time in the other room, with other people. Eventually she will learn that she can't wedge herself between you and your husband and she will find somewhere else to busy herself.

    Best of luck!

    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
    image
    Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
    image image image
  • It sounds like Justin needs to grow or find some balls and tell Mommy to STFU. You have an H problem, big time. I recommend marriage counseling for you two ASAP.
  • It does not matter who escorts who down the aisle. ANything goes these days. Anybody or anything (I have even seen wedding parties where a bride is escorted by a dog) goes.:)

    The ceremony is just one day; in the mix, all of this will be forgotten. What your guests will remember is the good time they had that day.

    If she is this bad perhaps you and your H are better off informing her that she will not be part of your lives and then cut her off.  Don't let her stop you from attending anything with family -- don't let a bad apple ruin a family function for you.
  • image MLE2010:
    It sounds like Justin needs to grow or find some balls and tell Mommy to STFU. You have an H problem, big time. I recommend marriage counseling for you two ASAP.

     

    Did you even read OP's original post? She has a very supportive husband who has stood up for her multiple times and put his mother in his place. She has a MIL problem, NOT an H problem.

     



    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • OP I agree with the first response about just trying to ignore her. She's doing all of this for attention and a reaction from you. If you don't react, she won't do it anymore (hopefully). If it really starts getting bad, which it sounds like it is, talk to your H about the best way to approach the situation, especially in regards to family functions. It sounds like you have a very supportive H who loves you, so I'm sure everything will be fine. Just remember, it's your relationship and your life. Don't let one person ruin it for you, whether it be his mother or some random jerk at the store. Good luck and hang in there! :)

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image sgautschi:

    image MLE2010:
    It sounds like Justin needs to grow or find some balls and tell Mommy to STFU. You have an H problem, big time. I recommend marriage counseling for you two ASAP.

     

    Did you even read OP's original post? She has a very supportive husband who has stood up for her multiple times and put his mother in his place. She has a MIL problem, NOT an H problem.

     


     

    He stood up for her about the wedding BS, his mother is (it sounds like) running around like a viper around the OP. It's great he put a stop to some of her stunts at the wedding but a heart to heart with dear old mom is definitely in order. For the OP to be at the point of never attending family functions again, it's got to be pretty bad. Her H needs to put MIL on warning ASAP.  

  • OP, what did your husband say when she doesn't invite you to family functions ? What does he do when she makes snide remarks ? What did he do when she put her finger in your face on your wedding day ? My advice to you will depend on how you answer these questions.
  • First off, Thank you all for the kind words....it makes me feel a lot more at ease! My H is very supportive, believe me his mother has been a witch to me for as long as I can remember. My H has always had my back and has approached his mother 2 times that I know of about the way she treats me and her excuse is "It's just how I am". But its not just how she is, because I am the only person she treats that way (and that very well could be because I just married her BABY). My H tried to use that excuse at the wedding (and has numerous times in the past) "You know mom's a b****!" But that is no excuse, especially on our wedding day. Put a smile on, Woman!! My H's response to hearing me cry and rant about the things that happen at the wedding was that we do not ever have to visit her. About three months before the wedding, we moved away from his hometown and moved in the middle of our families so we are not as accessible by her now. He also said that I hold the rains, which I was so suprised by. By this, I mean he told me it was my decision whether or not (and when) we visit her. We are going to be having children in the next couple of years and I can promise she will regret the way she has treated me when she doesn't get to see her grand babies very much!! I do have a VERY supportive H, which I am lucky because he could have just as easily took his mother's side. But I am just concerned because I do NOT want to be the person that seperates him from his family. Family is one of the most important things to me and has been my whole life. My H adores my family and we spend 90% of our time with them. He has never had a close family unit on his side, so maybe I just shouldn't be concerned about them since he doesn't seem to be too concerned himself? Thoughts? S
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
  • If DH has given you the reins, perhaps he should clue MIL into the fact. Perhaps he could actually tell her "Here's the deal. I don't care if it's "just the way you are." You will respect my wife, or we will no longer be attending family events. If she doesn't feel comfortable coming, then I won't be coming. So make your peace with her, or you're going to lose out. This also applies to any children we have in the future"

    It may seem harsh, but hopefully when she sees that you are the one with the power, she will start to kiss your backside. If not, then she made the choice not to be civil, and the responsibility for causing a rift between herself and her "baby" lies directly on her.

     

    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
    image
    Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
    image image image
  • I agree with Mrs. McC 100%. If your DH lets her know that her behavior will no longer be tolerated she will either shape up or you won't have to visit her anymore. Either way, it works out for you.

    Sorry to hear about this situation :-/ I know in-laws are such a delicate subject. It sounds like you're trying to be very mature about this. I would have lost it on her a long time ago!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers PitaPata Cat tickers
  • image srussell11:
    First off, Thank you all for the kind words....it makes me feel a lot more at ease! My H is very supportive, believe me his mother has been a witch to me for as long as I can remember. My H has always had my back and has approached his mother 2 times that I know of about the way she treats me and her excuse is "It's just how I am". But its not just how she is, because I am the only person she treats that way (and that very well could be because I just married her BABY). My H tried to use that excuse at the wedding (and has numerous times in the past) "You know mom's a b****!" But that is no excuse, especially on our wedding day. Put a smile on, Woman!! My H's response to hearing me cry and rant about the things that happen at the wedding was that we do not ever have to visit her. About three months before the wedding, we moved away from his hometown and moved in the middle of our families so we are not as accessible by her now. He also said that I hold the rains, which I was so suprised by. By this, I mean he told me it was my decision whether or not (and when) we visit her. We are going to be having children in the next couple of years and I can promise she will regret the way she has treated me when she doesn't get to see her grand babies very much!! I do have a VERY supportive H, which I am lucky because he could have just as easily took his mother's side. But I am just concerned because I do NOT want to be the person that seperates him from his family. Family is one of the most important things to me and has been my whole life. My H adores my family and we spend 90% of our time with them. He has never had a close family unit on his side, so maybe I just shouldn't be concerned about them since he doesn't seem to be too concerned himself? Thoughts? S

    You are not the person separating your H from his family, his mother is. This is 100% within her control. If your H has put the ball in your court, why on earth are you still subjecting yourself to this toxic mess? Being the bigger person only gets you so far. If I was you I'd end all contact before children are in the picture. It's very true, the worst behavior comes out at weddings, births and funerals. Take her behavior at your wedding and run before you have a child. 

  • You have all given me some GREAT advice!! I'm going to suggest to my H to speak with her about the future visits being in my control and see if he will. I know he hates speaking to her, he can't even stand to be in the same room as her for more like an hour. For now, I am going to step back and just try to enjoy my marriage! Yall are so right, MIL is the one causing this rift not me, so I am going to stop feeling responsilble and just sit back and wait for her next move! Thanks everyone!!!! I really needed this badly and don't have many people to talk to around here!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
    PitaPata Dog tickers
  • He only sound half-way supportive to me, and it isn't working for any of you. Taking both sides makes all three of you suffer. She is acting out because she feels like you are taking him away. He is in between because he loves both of you. And you live in peace as you are.

    Only your H can fix it by not enabling her and making solid boundaries. She needs more consequences to her actions than having to fake apologize and he needs to be the one to give it to him. If you do the punishment, you will come off as the wedge, not her horrible behavior. That will only bring you all more pain and suffering.

  • Okay, I have seriously no idea why everyone is hating on the H. He's basically told his wife that he will do what she asks him to do in regards to his mother and tells Mother Dearest off every time she gets horrible - OP just hasn't come to a conclusion what she wants those boundaries to be yet (understandably). Why in the world is that his fault?! He's completely letting OP decide what she wants and is willing to enforce it based on what OP says. Let's be understanding of what a support that is in itself. From what I can tell, he's saying - "I know my mother is horrible to you and I hate that. Even though she is my mother, I will let you decide how much or little you want her in our lives and I'll abide by that decision and enforce it."

    My advice to OP: you said your H can't stand being around her either - does she know this? Does she know that her little "baby" is extremely put off by her behavior? It's one thing for H to defend you, it may be a complete blow to her to realize that he hates being around her too.

    Either way, props to your H for having your back. Sounds like you got a good one who really understands that you are his closest family now.

     

    Edit: In regards to the "you know mom's a b***." comment at the wedding. What she did was horrible, there is no dispute here. But unless you guys made the decision to not invite her, she made it clear what kind of woman she was a lot earlier. Some people make the decision to invite people they don't like to their weddings for the sake of family or whatever - but that means they just have to deal with whatever stupid antics those people come up with. She was invited to the wedding, so there really isn't anything else you can do other than ignore her as best you can unless you really want to let her steal the show by getting in a fight with her. I can totally understand not wanting to fight that battle on my wedding day.

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards