Relationships

Married 2 months, feeling lost. Kinda long. sorry

 I got married just 2 months ago, and the planning was extremely stressful? I am not usually a stressed kind of person, but because of it all, somehow it caused me to have a grand mal seizure, 5 days before our wedding, in my sleep with my fiance. I did not have health insurance, but we went to the ER after he called 911 and had an ambulance sent. This whole ordeal cost us a great deal of money. Our1st true money matter as a married couple. I have been on medicine since before our wedding and been ok, I guess. The nght before our wedding, we were all hanging out in my husbands room, along with his friends and my sisters, part of our wedding party. We were drinking having a good time and these random girls come to the room outside in the back, on the lawn. I was a little annoyed, and my guy saw that, he didn?t tell them to leave, I got upset, yes I know, over reacted, but it was supposed to be our time sharing with OUR friends and family,not some random girls! Also, it made me wonder if that was the kind of thing that happens on their ?boys nights out?? I mean, he can?t tell some girls to get the heckout? Whatever, I got a little to upset, had been stressingout about everything, then this the night before our wedding. The next day we got married, I apologized for over reacting. We went on our honeymoon had a blast, came home then back to reality.
I don?t know whats going on, but I feel as if I am not enough for him. He plays softball with his friends every week, and I know that he loves that, I try to be supportive. He has these tournaments he plays in sometimes also, or they will go out of town each year for them as well. He doesn?t even acknowledge that I exist when he is with his friends though, or it seems on my side of things. I feel that before we got married, he was my best friend, he would call me 1st to share things with me, whether he was telling me something he was excited about, venting about work, or even something his friend had done, everything. I really thought after getting married this would continue, or even happen more, but now I feel as if I am more of a burden.
Since my seizure, I am unable to drive, I do work, part time as a waitress, but I hate my boss. He is a cruel chinese man who seems to have no heart, but I cannot go looking for anything else, since I am dependent on my rides from my husband or my family? I am in this rut and feel so alone even though I live with my hsuband and have a loving and caring family I could turn to. I feel lost, hopeless, almost like I have no purpose. I do not enjoy doing things with my girl friends when I do have the chance when they are free, I try to make excuses to stay home. I truly hope this down feeling passes, because I used to be such an outgoing, fun loving girl? Now I feel like a total debbie downer? :(

Re: Married 2 months, feeling lost. Kinda long. sorry

  • Kind of just venting, but has anyone else been down for months after the wedding???
  • I didn't get post-wedding blues so I can't exactly relate.  But, you have to give your husband some slack.  He is allowed to have a life outside of you.  I can imagine it's hard for you since you feel dependent on him.  But realistically, you are only physically dependent on him, you don't need to be emotionally dependent as well.  That's a big burden for any person to bear, including your spouse.

    That said, he is not, nor can he be, solely responsible for your happiness.  It seems you are particularly sensitive as it is.  Add stress, medical issues, a sh!t job... your level of sensitivity is bound to heighten.  Just know when it's happening and come up with a strategy to manage it.  If you find yourself becoming irrationally upset with your husband, take a walk, take a bath, go read a book, etc.  Just call a moratorium on the issue at hand, take a breather, and re-address to see if was ever worth being upset in the first place.

    Finally, don't be your own worst enemy by moping around, all doom and gloom all the time.  You're not doing yourself any favors here.  So next time, when your friends ask you to go out... GO OUT!  Have fun, have a few drinks, let loose!

    It might do you some good to seek the help of a counselor/therapist because it sounds like there is some depression and anxiety involved here.

  • I agree with what PP said. Also, having post-wedding blues is perfectly normal, and it will fade in time. One technique to manage stress is journal writing. A therapist I saw for a while suggested this technique when I was grieving with the loss of my grandmother, and I have used in since. If my husband does something to upset me and I feel like I need to blow off steam before talking to him, I get some paper and write him a letter. Then after I am done I throw it away. I usually find that just writing it down makes me feel better, and I usually find that I overreacted.

    I also want to point out that your husband is probably not trying to make you feel like a burden. My guess is, with all the stress you've been going through lately, that he feels the best thing to do is give you space. He may feel like he's the burden or that he's crowding you and causing stress. And he's probably afraid of causing you to have another seizure. Sit down with him and explain how you are feeling. Just make sure you use words like "I feel like lately we've......." and NOT "You make me feel like....." Use the words "I and We" and try to avoid "You".

    Good luck and hang in there!


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  • I know I have been being ridiculous about some things.  I can admit I have and I'd probably want to get away from me too sometimes.  So lots of times, I so don't blame him.  I have tried to bring this up to him though, by using the " I feel like" and "this is how I have been feeling" yet he gets so upset at me and it somehow turns into a huge ordeal, and makes me feel bad for even thinking that, and it feels like I did something wrong.  An argument was never intention.  I just needed to talk with him about how I have been feeling and it turns into much more.  It makes me feel like I can't share my feelings with him anymore.  We have a great life, and I really don't have much I need to complain about but I feel lost.  I have never been a depressed type but I can't get out of it.  I feel, I don't even know, just alone...
  • Is this not acknowledging you when he is with friends new behavior? I don't think it is -- but at any rate, you need to be a bit more proactive when you and he are out with your friends: make sure you make yourself part of "the action" and make sure the conversations and other socialization actively includes you.

    YOu and your H need to do things together --- there are activities, clubs, volunteer organizations, evening adult school classes, sports lessons and many many other things that you and he can look into and jointly participate in. 

    Could you try  looking for a waitressing job at a restaurant within walking distance of your home or find one where you could take public transportation to get to it? 
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    Is this not acknowledging you when he is with friends new behavior? I don't think it is -- but at any rate, you need to be a bit more proactive when you and he are out with your friends: make sure you make yourself part of "the action" and make sure the conversations and other socialization actively includes you.

    YOu and your H need to do things together --- there are activities, clubs, volunteer organizations, evening adult school classes, sports lessons and many many other things that you and he can look into and jointly participate in. 

    Could you try  looking for a waitressing job at a restaurant within walking distance of your home or find one where you could take public transportation to get to it? 

     

     

    Yes it is newer. He used to always include me with these things. He used to always ask me to go with him to everything, even all of these softball things. I have a few times, and had fun, for the most part, I have fun with the boys and watching him play. lol I wouldn't go most of the times though because I figured he could use some time on his own for some boy time, and I would go do girl stuff. But he would still call me throughout the day to let me know how they were playing and such. His friends are all pretty cool with me, and I have fun with them. Now though, seems like he just doesn't want me around those things anymore... What happened? I feel like, now we're married, he already needs to get away...

  • image bridget1312:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    Is this not acknowledging you when he is with friends new behavior? I don't think it is -- but at any rate, you need to be a bit more proactive when you and he are out with your friends: make sure you make yourself part of "the action" and make sure the conversations and other socialization actively includes you.

    YOu and your H need to do things together --- there are activities, clubs, volunteer organizations, evening adult school classes, sports lessons and many many other things that you and he can look into and jointly participate in. 

    Could you try  looking for a waitressing job at a restaurant within walking distance of your home or find one where you could take public transportation to get to it? 

     

     

    Yes it is newer. He used to always include me with these things. He used to always ask me to go with him to everything, even all of these softball things. I have a few times, and had fun, for the most part, I have fun with the boys and watching him play. lol I wouldn't go most of the times though because I figured he could use some time on his own for some boy time, and I would go do girl stuff. But he would still call me throughout the day to let me know how they were playing and such. His friends are all pretty cool with me, and I have fun with them. Now though, seems like he just doesn't want me around those things anymore... What happened? I feel like, now we're married, he already needs to get away...



    Maybe all this is is that he's trying to be a bit more "independent".  I wouldn't take this personally.

    Have you spoken to him about it? Do it in such a way that you don't come accross as a wallflower or some whiner who feels neglected.:)

    I think you have too much time on your hands -- what do you do in your spare time?
  • image JemmaWRX:

    I didn't get post-wedding blues so I can't exactly relate.  But, you have to give your husband some slack.  He is allowed to have a life outside of you.  I can imagine it's hard for you since you feel dependent on him.  But realistically, you are only physically dependent on him, you don't need to be emotionally dependent as well.  That's a big burden for any person to bear, including your spouse.

    That said, he is not, nor can he be, solely responsible for your happiness.  It seems you are particularly sensitive as it is.  Add stress, medical issues, a sh!t job... your level of sensitivity is bound to heighten.  Just know when it's happening and come up with a strategy to manage it.  If you find yourself becoming irrationally upset with your husband, take a walk, take a bath, go read a book, etc.  Just call a moratorium on the issue at hand, take a breather, and re-address to see if was ever worth being upset in the first place.

    Finally, don't be your own worst enemy by moping around, all doom and gloom all the time.  You're not doing yourself any favors here.  So next time, when your friends ask you to go out... GO OUT!  Have fun, have a few drinks, let loose!

    It might do you some good to seek the help of a counselor/therapist because it sounds like there is some depression and anxiety involved here.


    I don't know if the OP has epilepsy or just randomly had a grand mal seizure. Either way, the last thing she should probably be doing is drinking alcohol as that can bring on seizures. I have epilepsy, so I speak from experience.

    OP: I know from personal experience how terrible it can be after you have a seizure. I always feel scared to be alone, scared I'm going to have another seizure when anything in my body is a 'off' and scared to resume normal life. The longer you wait to resume normal life the harder it is though.

    Talk with your H, communicate your needs. Marriage includes lots of compromising.

    Also, hang out with some of your own friends when you know your H will be busy. Find a new hobby, volunteer.

    Is the public transportation in your town good?

  • Whoops!  Thanks for catching that.  I stand corrected!
  • image srgw:
    image JemmaWRX:

    I didn't get post-wedding blues so I can't exactly relate.  But, you have to give your husband some slack.  He is allowed to have a life outside of you.  I can imagine it's hard for you since you feel dependent on him.  But realistically, you are only physically dependent on him, you don't need to be emotionally dependent as well.  That's a big burden for any person to bear, including your spouse.

    That said, he is not, nor can he be, solely responsible for your happiness.  It seems you are particularly sensitive as it is.  Add stress, medical issues, a sh!t job... your level of sensitivity is bound to heighten.  Just know when it's happening and come up with a strategy to manage it.  If you find yourself becoming irrationally upset with your husband, take a walk, take a bath, go read a book, etc.  Just call a moratorium on the issue at hand, take a breather, and re-address to see if was ever worth being upset in the first place.

    Finally, don't be your own worst enemy by moping around, all doom and gloom all the time.  You're not doing yourself any favors here.  So next time, when your friends ask you to go out... GO OUT!  Have fun, have a few drinks, let loose!

    It might do you some good to seek the help of a counselor/therapist because it sounds like there is some depression and anxiety involved here.


    I don't know if the OP has epilepsy or just randomly had a grand mal seizure. Either way, the last thing she should probably be doing is drinking alcohol as that can bring on seizures. I have epilepsy, so I speak from experience.

    OP: I know from personal experience how terrible it can be after you have a seizure. I always feel scared to be alone, scared I'm going to have another seizure when anything in my body is a 'off' and scared to resume normal life. The longer you wait to resume normal life the harder it is though.

    Talk with your H, communicate your needs. Marriage includes lots of compromising.

    Also, hang out with some of your own friends when you know your H will be busy. Find a new hobby, volunteer.

    Is the public transportation in your town good?

     

     

    I don't have epilepsy, but I did have a seizure in my sleep like 11 years ago, I was 17 and they never figured out why.  This one happened randomly and yes my doctor told me that alcohol can play a part in it.  I usually do go out, happy hours with the girls, or whoever.  I don't have a drinking problem, lol but it just goes hand in hand with things sometimes.  That has slowly stopped since. 

    My last one that happened when I was younger didn't really faze me as much, no I couldn't drive and all of that, but mentally and physically I felt the exact same.  This one though, I have just felt so different.  I don't know if its the medicine, the new change in status, or what.  Im sure it freaked him out too, he had never seen anything like that, then less than a week before the wedding here it is. 

    I have my own friends, I do usually go out when he's doing things with the guys, that is not a problem!  My husband going out and hanging with his friends is NOT my problem...  I love the fact that he has a hobby that he loves!  I just wish I was more a part of that part of his life.  If that makes me a sad girl because I want to be part of my man's life, especially when it is something he loves so much then fine . 

    We have talked about getting me a new job, and we will as soon as I am able to drive again.  I already have one lined up.  Public transportation is not going to work  Riding a bus, by myself, just freaks me out.  I don't live in a terrible neighborhood but that's not happening.. :)  Thanks for your responses... 

  • Based on what you said about not wanting to hang out with friends, it actually sounds more like you are in general depressed. It might be worth going to see a doctor/psychiatrist to see if you can get some help for it. 
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  • I obviously don't know what medicine you are taking, but mood changes can definitely be a side effect of anti-epileptics. I would talk to your neurologist to see what they think and to see if you can try something else. Hope you start feeling better soon!
  • image CSTK1910:
    I obviously don't know what medicine you are taking, but mood changes can definitely be a side effect of anti-epileptics. I would talk to your neurologist to see what they think and to see if you can try something else. Hope you start feeling better soon!
    Thank you! I do go to see him in 2 weeks. I will talk to him about it. :) Things are looking up. Just weird sometimes. Thanks girls for your words.
  • It's also important to note that if you are predisposed to seizures, stress can bring upon Epileptic events.
  • image bridget1312:
    Thank you! I do go to see him in 2 weeks. I will talk to him about it. :) Things are looking up. Just weird sometimes. Thanks girls for your words.

     I'm so glad you're going to talk to your doctor. From your posts it seems like you have a pretty good life balance available to you and many things will be getting better soon - which makes me think this is a side-effect of medication/seizure. 

    Sorry about your boss - crappy bosses just suck all-around. 

    Here's a question for you - Have you been treating H differently? Maybe some of his actions are in reaction to changes on your end you never thought about before. I've been guilty of that on multiple occasions, lol. 

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
  • Well my doctor switched my meds, the one I was on my body was metabolizing it too quickly.  Well he switched it, and now I think it has made me worse.  Also, after this Connecticut shootiing has occurred, I have been so down.  I blew up at my husband this weekend, saying he doesn't understand what I am goin thru.  We both have just been taking eachother for granted I think and we both need to start appreciating what a great life we do have.  I have been having a hard time with that for some odd reason, and decided, with my husband, tht my quitting my job may be a good beginning.  :)  We have talked after a huge blow out and I think, hope that we are on the right track...  Thanks all for listening to my crap!  Life doesn't always agree with us, but others have it a whole lot worse than we do!  Thank god I have a loving husband and awesome family that I can turn to for anythign!!! 
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