Relationships

Trying to find a balance

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We moved in together about 6 months ago and things overall have been pretty great. Before moving in together, I really researched and did some soul-searching to make sure that this was a decision I was ready to make.

The recent problem really revolves around our schedules. I work full time and am a full time students which keeps me out of the house from 9am-9pm. He works a job (that he hates) from around 5pm-11pm all week.

By the time he gets home from work, sleeping is the last thing on his mind while I?m struggling to stay awake. In the past he has tried laying down with me in an effort to fall asleep but because it doesn?t work, he now skips that part and plays video games all night. Half of the time he will crawl into bed a mere hour before my alarm goes off and the other half he is still gaming when I head out the door. This used to bother me a lot more than it does now, because I know during the week we don?t have much time together and cuddling is nice. But, I have come to accept that after working, he?s not ready to go to bed and I might have been a little unreasonable.

Deciding to let the weeknight game playing slide, I began to focus all my energy and date planning for the weekends. That was going fine until his brother,from out of state, began contacting my boyfriend regularly on the weekends to play games. Now, I will say that my boyfriend is amazing and never purposefully neglects me. However, now him and I are in an awkward position: He doesn?t get the chance to play with his brother often but doesn?t want to upset me and I don?t want to intrude on brother bonding but want to spend time with my boyfriend.

When my boyfriend doesn?t play games, his brother will repeatedly text him making complaints about being neglecting until my boyfriend gives in.

I have talked to him in the past about setting up times or even days to game in advance (i.e. deciding on Thursday that they will play on Saturday) so that way I?m not caught off guard when he won?t leave the house but he said that it?s too difficult to do with his brother?s changing schedule. But now it?s affecting our relationship because he will start playing games at 5pm on Saturday until 6am Sunday and then want to sleep the rest of Sunday away or, like yesterday, he won?t go to sleep at all and then sleep through an event we had planned together.

So what?s a girl to do?

Re: Trying to find a balance

  • He plays video games way, way too much. His addiction is interfering with his relationship with you and it is a problem. This to me is the red flag that you may want to consider ending this relationship and or get counseling. 

    As for the bonding with his brother, it's all about balance and working it out. But since he has this addiction on top of this, I'm sure he is awful on the balancing of his time. It's not unreasonable for him to tell his brother a set night for them to play. If his brother works on that set night, so what? They will play the next time. I feel like he is playing you on this, I'd tell him that Friday nights, or whatever night is friend or family night, Saturday or whatever night is you two night. But he has to stick with it, I would dump this guy because coming second to a game console is not how I'd want to live my life. 

  • Agreed: he is gaming way way too much.

    I think you need to cut your losses and go. Either he is addicted to gaming or he simply prefers to spend all of his free time pursuing gaming.

    You and he are not in agreement with what shoud be done with your free time.  As I said, cut your losses and go and find a guy who spends his free time doing someting worthwhile and constructive. GL.
  • It seems like gaming is more of a priority than spending time with you.  I would sit down and have a serious talk with him.  I think people on the nest usually say to dump someone too soon, but I probably would have never been with a gamer in the first place.  I'm not interested in gaming, and I don't like being made to feel like I don't matter. 
  • I agree with the others.

    He's addicted to gaming and you're in the back seat by yourself. Sure, the brother-bonding is important, but the brother will always be there. Its not like they're spending actual time together. I mean, I understand that if they were going biking or backpacking some wilderness, but gaming?

     Unless you lay down some sort of ultimatum, boundaries, deal-breakers, you're at a loss with your boyfriend's addiction.

  • image Hedgewitch:

    I agree with the others.

    He's addicted to gaming and you're in the back seat by yourself. Sure, the brother-bonding is important, but the brother will always be there. Its not like they're spending actual time together. I mean, I understand that if they were going biking or backpacking some wilderness, but gaming?

     Unless you lay down some sort of ultimatum, boundaries, deal-breakers, you're at a loss with your boyfriend's addiction.

     

    Okay so I'm going to come to the defense of gamers here. My entire. family. games. So yes, that IS how I stay in contact with my brother and sister and father (mom and I just talk on FB, lol). The time I spend with them on games is precious to me.  Just because that isn't how YOU connect with people, doesn't mean it isn't meaningful to others.

    However, the OPs husband IS clearly overdoing this and potentially has an addiction. Right now you're stating that, during the week, he is gaming while you're asleep. That time shouldn't count against him, imo, because...well...you're sleeping so he's not "picking" gaming over you. As long as he's doing well in school, keeping up with chores during the week, etc. how he spends his free time while you're sleeping is his business. 

    The weekend is a COMPLETELY different matter. Thankfully, weekends are two days. If he is unwilling to commit to at least 1 full day with you and no video games - then he has a really bad addiction. There's absolutely no reason that he shouldn't be able to do this - and be happy to do so. You are his GF, afterall.

    If he is unwilling to stand up to his brother and put you first - then you have a MAJOR BF problem and I would leave him. As others have said, his brother isn't going anywhere. I am extremely close to my brother, but I would never put time with my brother over time with my husband. I work a night shift and he works mornings during the week so I only see him for an hour or so at dinner - and he works weekends most of the time too - so I know what your talking about.

    It's hard, but it's time to have a sit down conversation with him. Let him know that he needs to make a decision to either invest in your relationship or you're walking.  

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
  • image cynthiafilmore7:


    Deciding to let the weeknight game playing slide, I began to focus all my energy and date planning for the weekends. That was going fine until his brother,from out of state, began contacting my boyfriend regularly on the weekends to play games. Now, I will say that my boyfriend is amazing and never purposefully neglects me. However, now him and I are in an awkward position: He doesn?t get the chance to play with his brother often but doesn?t want to upset me and I don?t want to intrude on brother bonding but want to spend time with my boyfriend.

    When my boyfriend doesn?t play games, his brother will repeatedly text him making complaints about being neglecting until my boyfriend gives in.

    I have talked to him in the past about setting up times or even days to game in advance (i.e. deciding on Thursday that they will play on Saturday) so that way I?m not caught off guard when he won?t leave the house but he said that it?s too difficult to do with his brother?s changing schedule. But now it?s affecting our relationship because he will start playing games at 5pm on Saturday until 6am Sunday and then want to sleep the rest of Sunday away or, like yesterday, he won?t go to sleep at all and then sleep through an event we had planned together.

    So what?s a girl to do?

    Re-read your post. If one of your best girlfriends came to you with this, what would you think?

    Let me tell you that I've been in the same boat. College full time, work full time. My days started at 6am, and ended around midnight. Husband on opposite shift. Our schedules simply didn't allow us to spend any time together during the week. But weekends he was always too busy, in our case motorcycles, snowmobiles, race cars, friends, cousin. It doesn't matter, he wasn't putting our relationship first, or even in the top ten.  It sucked. He refused to acknowledge it until after I left. 

    Not saying my experience is the exact same as yours, but I see many similarities. 

    He's spending more time with video games than you. Yes, it may not be a conscious thought in his head to neglect you... but he's definitely neglecting your relationship.

    You shouldn't be the only one putting effort into a relationship. I'm sorry, but unless he get un-addicted to those video games, I don't think the relationship can really go anywhere.

     

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