Relationships

Forgive an MOH (super long...)

I'm having trouble forgiving my "best friend" and maid of honor two months after her dad ruined a pretty important part of our wedding. We had a smallish wedding of 100 guests on quite a tight budget, so our MOH offered to have her dad provide all te sound equipment for the ceremony and reception, am extremely generous offer. He also said not to worry about a DJ as he would handle the music. A note about our wedding: it was rock n roll themed, and my husband and I only skipped a DJ because we wanted complete control over what was played at the wedding, and had been working on a perfect playlist for a year. So we were a little hesitant about handing over such an important job to someone who wasnt a professional but we were assured time and time again, it would be great. The most important part obviously was the ceremony processions. A week before the wedding we spoke to  MOH's dad and once were assured everything was set up, he was more than familiar with iTunes, and he would do a run through before the ceremony started. Then a few days before the wedding my husband and I were to go to the MOH's him and rehearse everything, it'd been planned for weeks. That morning I messagesy MOH to let her know we were coming on the 1:00 go train - to which she responded "Oh I never checked with my parents to see if they're okay with you guys coming. I myself am going out at 1:00."  We were shocked, I was quite upset but since her dad was proving tons of equipment I didn't want to get into an argument. But going out there again just wasn't possible.

Needless to say the ceremony music was a disaster. Her dad had an extremely clear set of instructions but didn't run through it in three hours he had before the ceremony. He started the wedding party music when the groom and his parents were halfway down the aisle, and just left it playing while the wedding party scrambled to get out before the song finished.

Then it faded out, the doors opened, I stood in the doorway with my dad...and nothing. Silence. Some awkwardly gasps, looks over shoulders...my poor groom staring at me helpless and me stuck in the doorway like an idiot. For I kid you not, four minutes, until the best man walked over to the laptop and clicked on the song.

As soon as we sat down to dinner in the reception the MOH's parents rushed up to say it was our fault because we had the list on a loop, and also he'd never used a laptop like ours (an HP...) so, yah sorry. And my MOH jumped in with "Pft it was fine, don't worry."

Obviously on the day my husband and I smiled and laughed and agreed sure it was no big deal, but what else could we do? Now though, two months later I am still furious. The most important moment of my wedding was ruined, and we never got an explanation as to why he say there for four minutes without playing our song. Nothing was frozen, he just simply...did nothing. He could see me, but he wouldn't make eye contact. He knew I was waiting and just didn't press play.

So I know I'm supposed to forgive her but she constantly reminds me of what an awesome MOH she was (that was her only job, btw) and an amazing best friend she is, and all I can think of is "You blew me off to hang out with your ex instead of rehearsing the most important moment of my wedding, which was then ruined, and then let ME get blamed for it! Never once saying Omg I feel awful." I'm not sayi g she has to apologize, but some recognition that it went poorly and maybe she shouldn't have ditched me would be nice. Maybe time will heal it, but I just can't let it go. 

Just a millennial generation wife trying to make it after all.

Re: Forgive an MOH (super long...)

  • This happens.

    This even happened at my wedding. Somehow or other the organist messed up the order of the music..

    He had it in black and white in front of hm a week before the wedding: "play list", entire rundown of what was to be played in what order for all parts of the ceremony -- he still screwed it up.

    And to top that off, the person who I assigned to cue the wedding party in line so they'd process up the aisle clearly and to what song fouled it up, too!  When I sawe she scewed it up, I had to take over and  I had to more or less direct them myself, while I was waiting to process up the aisle.

    I was kind of pissed and how. Those musical selections were in a certain order and still the guy ruined it. So much for our $550 that we paid the church; that included the music director who screwed up the order -- who went to Julliard and the Manhattan School of Music so this was no neighborhood slouch --- and everything got lost in the mix.

    In fact, the entire ceremony got fouled up -- and that's a whole other story in itself.

    Her father owes you an apology -- and a make good on what you paid him. In other words, he owes you a refund or at least a partial one. I don't know if you had a contract or this was handshake or what but even if there was no contract, by gentleman's agreement he should be man enough and business person enough to give you at least a partial refund.

    I agree: if there is a rehearsal she was to be there. Granted all an MOH needs to do is process in, stand with the B&G during the vovs and sign the license but still, she should have been there.  I wouldn't, though, lose a friend over this.  See what you guys can do about amends -- and if she still won't, maybe then rethink her as a friend. GL.
  • It was rude of your MOH to make plans with you and then cancel.  At that point in time though you could have made plans directly with her father to rehearse right?

    As far as what happened at the ceremony, that was her father's fault not hers.  She was trying to make you feel better about it.  I realize that you wanted her to have empathy for you in the situation and agree with you, but she was trying to present a more positive view for you.  She reacted incorrectly in your mind, but I think she is more at fault for ditching you then her reaction since her reaction seemed to be coming from good intentions and the ditching you obviously wasn't. 

    I would suggest that you talk to her about this and try to forgive her.  It was more the dad's fault that the moment was ruined. 

    ETA: This happened to me from the other side.  The bride got mad at me because I tried to be positive and she wanted empathy so she was really pissed at me for not giving that to her.  I did try to apologize but then she just acted fake nice instead of mad. 

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  • Walking down the aisle is not the most important part of your wedding.  Saying your vows, first kiss, first dance, sure.  At this point you are ruining this for yourself by fixating on it.  It's over and done with, they tried to do you a FAVOR and it didn't work out perfectly.  But you're still married and the most important part, the marriage, has just begun.  You need to re focus your priorities.
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  • I can see being annoyed at the MOH for not setting things up with her parents and then cancelling at the last minute.  But as far as I can tell, that's really the only thing she did.  If I dropped my friends for cancelling plans without a lot of notice, I'd have no friends left. I think you just need to get over this really.

    The rest really has nothing to do with her.  You accepted a free offer instead of hiring a vendor.  Your free labor screwed up.  That's what happens when you don't hire a professional and have a contract.  The dad should apologize but really, what else can he do?  It's over.

    I have no idea why you stood there for 4 minutes instead of just walking down the aisle when it became obvious he wasn't going to attempt to find the music.  You don't need music to get married.  You weren't "stuck in the doorway".  You stood there by choice because you wanted it to be exactly as you imagined and when it became clear that wasn't going to happen, you didn't move.

    Really, you're married.  That's the point of the day. I understand that people put a lot of work into their weddings and want everything to be perfect but really, it's all just for show.  The important part is the vow exchange and you did that.  Don't waste your newlywed time being bitter about screwed up music.  You won't get this time back. Enjoy it and move on.

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  • Get over it. Yea they should've done the rehearsal. Things could have gone better that day, and it's embarrassing to be standing there waiting at the top of the aisle. Yea, they could've taken a little more responsibility for what happened. So what? The dad is not a professional, so you can't hold him to pro standards. 

    The music got screwed up at my ceremony as well and I walked down the aisle to a song I hate, and the music was skipping. Our pastor TOTALLY screwed up my part of the vows and I didn't get to say 50% of them. My little sister was supposed to handle taking our guest photos (she's a budding photog) and her camera battery died before we even left the house! That in turn messed up the schedule with our pro photog b/c he had to squeeze in taking the guest photos, blah blah blah.

    Over 6 months later, I still face palm myself when thinking about all the things that went wrong that day. And I still don't say more than 3 words my little sister when I see her (though my anger towards her has a lot more history than just that day, the wedding was simply the last straw). It still bothers me that I didn't get to say a huge chunk of my vows. And the next thing I think to myself is, "GSG, get over it!"

    At the end of the day, we're married! One cannot change the past. And in the grand scheme of things, are the little wedding screw ups worth ending a friendship? If my sister and I had no other history, then I would've just expressed my disappointment and then let it go, and we would go forward. As many times as H and I have met with our pastor privately since the big day, I've never once mentioned the thing with the vows even though it still bothers me sometimes. Maybe one day we'll renew our vows privately, maybe not. I can't let those thoughts get in the way of my happiness and my sanity. As time passes, I care less and less about the screw ups that day. Now they're things that I'm able to laugh about. It's what made our day unique  :)

  • image kellbell1919:
    Walking down the aisle is not the most important part of your wedding.  Saying your vows, first kiss, first dance, sure.  At this point you are ruining this for yourself by fixating on it.  It's over and done with, they tried to do you a FAVOR and it didn't work out perfectly.  But you're still married and the most important part, the marriage, has just begun.  You need to re focus your priorities.
    This. Really. And you just stood there for 4 minutes?  You know you don't HAVE to have music to walk down the aisle, right? 
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  • image Kimbus22:

    I can see being annoyed at the MOH for not setting things up with her parents and then cancelling at the last minute.  But as far as I can tell, that's really the only thing she did.  If I dropped my friends for cancelling plans without a lot of notice, I'd have no friends left. I think you just need to get over this really.

    The rest really has nothing to do with her.  You accepted a free offer instead of hiring a vendor.  Your free labor screwed up.  That's what happens when you don't hire a professional and have a contract.  The dad should apologize but really, what else can he do?  It's over.

    I have no idea why you stood there for 4 minutes instead of just walking down the aisle when it became obvious he wasn't going to attempt to find the music.  You don't need music to get married.  You weren't "stuck in the doorway".  You stood there by choice because you wanted it to be exactly as you imagined and when it became clear that wasn't going to happen, you didn't move.

    Really, you're married.  That's the point of the day. I understand that people put a lot of work into their weddings and want everything to be perfect but really, it's all just for show.  The important part is the vow exchange and you did that.  Don't waste your newlywed time being bitter about screwed up music.  You won't get this time back. Enjoy it and move on.

     This, exactly. If you're so upset at your friend or her father then communicate your feelings to them. You're waiting for "some recognition" that isn't going to come because YOU told them TWO MONTHS AGO it wasn't a big deal, so why would they think anything is wrong? This all sounds very childish.

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  • I'm still trying to figure out what your MOH did wrong here. It sounds like her dad is the one that screwed up, how on earth is that HER fault?

    You got married. You seemed to have an otherwise lovely day. It's 2 months later and you're still dwelling on something that any sane person would have just laughed off and chalked up to "one of those funny stories" already. Get over your botched processional already, no amount of seething over it is going to change it.


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  • image RamonaFlowers:

    I'm still trying to figure out what your MOH did wrong here. It sounds like her dad is the one that screwed up, how on earth is that HER fault?

    You got married. You seemed to have an otherwise lovely day. It's 2 months later and you're still dwelling on something that any sane person would have just laughed off and chalked up to "one of those funny stories" already. Get over your botched processional already, no amount of seething over it is going to change it.

    This exactly, now you have a story.

    Also, this does seem a bit immature. You are married now, that

    was the point..

  • Yeeeesh. This was 2 months ago, you're married - don't you think it's time to move on? No offense, but it seems like you might be suffering from post-wedding Princessitis. The "big day" is over, your "big moment" is gone - is it really worth the energy being 'furious' over something that was, in reality, actually a *very* small and insignificant detail? In the grand scheme of things, does the wrong song or 4-minute delay REALLY hurt anyone or seriously affect your life? To me, I think you should thank your MOH and her family for their contribution to your wedding and get over it. I love how you throw in that bit about how it was her "only job" to be MOH; a "job" she didn't HAVE to put forth her time & energy into but did it because she cares about YOU. If I were you, I would just be grateful and thank your lucky stars if your MOH even picks up your call - personally, I would have long written off somebody who is so seemingly ungrateful and would hold a grudge over something so ridiculous. Out of curiosity, did you even thank her or her father for their contribution? Send a 'thank you' card? I bet I know the answer to that.
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  • The place holding my dress decided to close early on my day so my sister had her boyfriend call his firehouse and break down the door to get it, my cake was 2hrs late, it hadn't rained in 2months but decided to during our outdoor ceremony, and we didn't get a 1/3 of the pictures I wanted, the DJ played our Father/Daughter dance song during dinner.

    I LEFT MY GROOM AT THE ALTAR because I almost passed out. Guess what? Each story by itself makes an interesting wedding day. I wouldn't trade all my little snafu's for anything.  Stop dwelling on something that in the grand scheme of things Doesn't Matter.

    You didn't want a DJ, you got a personal favor that didn't turn out how you wanted it. Wedding's over. You have what I'm sure is a great husband, now comes the time to enjoy being married.

  • First off, I will say that your MOH's father shouldn't have stood up had he not been up to the challenge. You could have just as easily had a friend conduct the music and put an ipod on with a playlist and possibly went off without a hitch. This is what my H and I first had in mind, but ended up getting a DJ for a pretty good price. BUT even though I paid for my DJ and he was GREAT during the reception, when it came to my song to walk down the aisle....he didn't come through either. The ring bareer's made it to their mom's and I stood their patiently waiting for my song (the DJ had practiced all of this before). I stood their starring at my mom like what the heck is going on. Then all of a sudden you hear our photographer (my cousin) say "Well I guess she ran off on ya" and everyone laughs, which probably saved the moment. I then signaled a friend to tell the DJ to play the dang song and he still didn't. My mother then had to walk over to the table, tell him to start the song, and walk back over to walk my down the aisle. It was the longest 3 minutes of my life, and my H's. So I would say, it's over. Let by gones be by gones, and move on. Every wedding has some kind of little glitch that may have been huge to you, but no one else is going to remember in a couple years that your music didn't start on time. They are only going to remember how beautiful you looked and how much fun they had! Good luck!
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  • Lesson learned boo...ur friends das was the idiot...not her well not as big as he was....ur married to the love of ur life but if u need time u have every right to take it...and if u haven't already, u could inform her what the issue was....
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