Relationships

Confusing Men!!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year now, and while I know thats not a long time we've known each other since we were children and once we started dating we have been inseperable and spend every possible moment together. We dont live together now but he owns a house and i rent an aprtment but i've been staying with him for a month now. Its getting annoying having to pay rent for a place im rarely ever at. We've talked about getting married for a few months now and he's always joked about how he wants to elope and how much less of a hassle it is. Well about 3 weeks ago he said he thought we should seriously elope and get married. This was not much of a suprise to me but after thinking about it for a while i found that it was really hard for me to let go of the idea of having a real wedding. I explained to him that i just cant give up a day that I've dreamed of my whole life. He said okay but he's not ready to get married right now and maybe he just jumped the gun a little and wants to keep things how they are. This confused me so much!! How can he be ready to elope one minute but doesnt want to get married in the traditional sense of a wedding and all?? I have no idea what to think about this. How do i make him realize having a wedding and cermony isnt so bad? Or do you think im over reacting and should be willing to elope?

Rebecca

Re: Confusing Men!!

  • If you want a wedding, then have a wedding.  I personally, though, take pause with "the day I've dreamed of my whole life!".  Please remember that it IS just a "day" and it somes w/ stress and sometimes disappointment too - it can often bring the worst out in people (friends, family, etc).  Be careful about putting "MY WEDDING DAY" up on a pedastal. 

    That doesn't mean don't have a wedding - just realize it rarely matches the dream. 

    Past that - he's confused and doesn't know what he wants.  That's o.k. - but it's clear he needs more time.  I don't think "we've known each other since children" really plays a role in this. You're adults now and you're in an adult relationship.  You aren' tkids.  Who you are now isn't who you were then.  This doesn't mean rush into marriage just because you've KNOWN each othe rfor years.  You've only been in a relationship for barely a year.

    Stop worrying about  marriage right now and just focus on the relationship and see where things go.

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  • Sounds like he was caught up in the moment when he suggested it, and now realizes that it's too soon.  That's okay.  It's also okay that when you get married, you want an actual wedding.  

    It's just not time for the two of you to get married yet.  If you don't want to pay rent for an apartment you never use, then spend more time there.  

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  • This guy is not certain what he wants to do:

    He said okay but he's not ready to get married right now and maybe he just jumped the gun a little and wants to keep things how they are.

    And to be put into a cat and mouse situation is not fair to you.

    Slow down and WAIT....What I suggest:

    Give it another six months and then you bring up the subject of marriage again. If he cannot tell you straight away, Yes, I want to get married and set a date...AND make sure it is the wedding that YOU want, bid this guy adieu.

    In the meanwhile, keep your apartment. Suppose he says no to marriage and only wants to live together or says "Gee I wanna wait some more"???

  • My husband and I had discussed marriage in the abstract a few times while we were dating. Once  we decided to go ahead and go through with it, when ever I thought about the ceremony and all those people watching me I would get a case of stage fright!

    I wanted the traditional ceremony more than my husband did. He wanted a $50 justice of the peace on the beach with just the two of us. I wanted the pretty dress and be walked down the aisle by my dad.

    We compromised. We used a justice of the peace, I got walked down the aisle by my dad and the guest list was whoever we would normally see for dinner on a regular basis/ holidays. All told there were 23 people including the wedding party!

    A huge part of being married is communication. If he can't voice his fears or desires to you, or you can't voice yours, then waiting is the way to go. 

  • image quiltedinky:

    My husband and I had discussed marriage in the abstract a few times while we were dating. Once  we decided to go ahead and go through with it, when ever I thought about the ceremony and all those people watching me I would get a case of stage fright!

    I wanted the traditional ceremony more than my husband did. He wanted a $50 justice of the peace on the beach with just the two of us. I wanted the pretty dress and be walked down the aisle by my dad.

    We compromised. We used a justice of the peace, I got walked down the aisle by my dad and the guest list was whoever we would normally see for dinner on a regular basis/ holidays. All told there were 23 people including the wedding party!

    A huge part of being married is communication. If he can't voice his fears or desires to you, or you can't voice yours, then waiting is the way to go. 



    This exactly.

    ANd if he cannot give you what you desire --- even with a compromise, as in the above --- beware.

    If he's not interested in making sure you're happy, what kind of a mate for life would he make?

    The above sounds like a grand wedding to me. I have been there.  The same ole same ole with 150 people in some tired ole reception hall is not what I'd do now --- the above poster has the right idea.

    it is NOT the quantity of the guest  list, it is the quality of the guest list.

    If you ask 23 people and have a bit of a fancier dinner at some really good restaurant the whole thing might cost you 3 grand tops. That's a steal for a wedding reception these days:)
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image quiltedinky:

    My husband and I had discussed marriage in the abstract a few times while we were dating. Once  we decided to go ahead and go through with it, when ever I thought about the ceremony and all those people watching me I would get a case of stage fright!

    I wanted the traditional ceremony more than my husband did. He wanted a $50 justice of the peace on the beach with just the two of us. I wanted the pretty dress and be walked down the aisle by my dad.

    We compromised. We used a justice of the peace, I got walked down the aisle by my dad and the guest list was whoever we would normally see for dinner on a regular basis/ holidays. All told there were 23 people including the wedding party!

    A huge part of being married is communication. If he can't voice his fears or desires to you, or you can't voice yours, then waiting is the way to go. 



    This exactly.

    ANd if he cannot give you what you desire --- even with a compromise, as in the above --- beware.

    If he's not interested in making sure you're happy, what kind of a mate for life would he make?

    The above sounds like a grand wedding to me. I have been there.  The same ole same ole with 150 people in some tired ole reception hall is not what I'd do now --- the above poster has the right idea.

    it is NOT the quantity of the guest  list, it is the quality of the guest list.

    If you ask 23 people and have a bit of a fancier dinner at some really good restaurant the whole thing might cost you 3 grand tops. That's a steal for a wedding reception these days:)

    it was 18 guests. we had the ceremony and dinner (no dancing. DH and I both have left feet.) at  a spa owned by the company i work for, so there was a bit of an employee discount. I paid for an open bar. I chose a wedding package the spa offered and it did come to about $3k. Everything for the wedding was under $8k.

  • It could be that he jumped the gun, and said something he wasn't really wanting to commit to. It could also be that he is the type of person that wants nothing to do with a big, formal, expensive wedding. Give it some time to simmer down. In a few more months, approach the question again. This could be your first excercise at compromise.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting a day to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family. However, please remember that you're planning a MARRIAGE, not a WEDDING. There is a big difference.

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  • If you think you will be dissatisfied without a wedding, don't elope! Maybe he just doesn't want a big wedding...maybe you could negotiate having a small wedding. Men are very confusing...just like us women can be =D
  • image EastCoastBride:

    If you want a wedding, then have a wedding.  I personally, though, take pause with "the day I've dreamed of my whole life!".  Please remember that it IS just a "day" and it somes w/ stress and sometimes disappointment too - it can often bring the worst out in people (friends, family, etc).  Be careful about putting "MY WEDDING DAY" up on a pedastal. 

    Yes - wedding days also come with a great deal of stress and disappointment. They are not perfect and putting too much pressure on this PERFECT DAY will surely land you disappointed. I agree w/ ECB 100%.

  • I hate to say it but you just SCREWED UP! Men hate rejection and the hardest thing a man does in life is convincing himself that he needs to give up the idea that Mrs. Right is right in front of him and not just around the corner. Yes, you should have your own dreams and if a large wedding is a dream why can't you fall in love twice. Elope and have a freaking blast on a cruise or fantastic road trip and then plan for the perfect wedding because you would be at a bigger advantage, you already have the man. No cold feet, no break up, just a dream day and another trip to some place great.

    Did you ever consider his dream marriage? He may have had plans that you didn't know about so when you crashed in with " my dream I want..." you made him start re-thinking is this what it will be like, maybe I need more time to see if we will work out. Now you have to wait however long it takes him to convince himself that he should marry you. Most women can't handle this wait period. Arguments either dont happen because the want to speed up the process or they start happening because they feel their life is on hold. Pretty soon you will want to force the move in saying it saves money but he will think well you have been doing it and you didn't know when we would or if we would marry. You will change because you no longer want to wait for something you could have had. You have 3 option

    Tell him it was selfish of you to not consider his desire to want to get married, after all it's his special day too! Then tell him how much you love him and would want nothing more than to run off and marry him but a piece of your heart wants the story dream. Then pitch him the I love you so much I would marry you again concept. Also point out about consolidating and really determining whether we are serious or just going through the motions.

    Next is to tell him that you are confused and feel he is sending a signal that reflects that he got hurt by your reply, explain that if we are to become married and be successful in it we need good communication. We shouldn't assume things on seriously matters especially when we should love each other enough to want to be on the same accord. You can try to take about it from there.

    Last is the sit and wait ( worst) you have a 50/50 of him changing his mind to ask you again or you guys breaking up due to both of you changing all because you now are pushing forward and he is now on the brakes. If you push a man for the wrong reasons he will fall on you, get up and leave. 

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