Relationships

3 1/2 months in and confused!

This is kind of a downer and I'm new at these things. But, to start with a little background, I've been married 3 and a half months, we lived together for a year before we got married but were only dating 3 months before we moved in together. My H had trouble keeping a job before we were married but I blamed it on the company laying him off, that was until he rode unemployment as long as he could last year and while he was home out of  a job he really didn't do much around the house to help me out at all. (That in itself should have been a major red flag for me.) But, regardless, I married him anyway thinking to myself that this was the plan that I was supposed to take - typical grow up, graduate, choose college or work, find a man, get married and settle down type thing. ... I thought that was just what was supposed to happen.

Now, we don't really talk. Any kind of communication is usually an argument or a big blow out. Those happen quite frequently in the past month or so. I come home from work, cook dinner, clean up, take care of the dogs, then we watch tv in seperate rooms for the rest of the night, I go to bed early because I have a job to wake up early for and he stays up till all hours of the night watching his shows in the living room (It almost feels like I just have a room mate). He kept a good paying job for 2 months after we got married, then got layed off again. Now he is home, not looking for work, not helping around the house (we also live in his parents spare house because my paycheck will not cover the cost of rent + all the other bills).

I think to myself more often than not "Did I make a mistake? or I don't think I can do this the rest of my life..." I feel like I think those things way to often to be a happily married newlywed.

But my main question is: How do I figure out wether I'm just not happy in this marriage and I need to leave - or am I just unhappy with the so called rough patch and things will get better???

Re: 3 1/2 months in and confused!

  • Well, I think you know this isn't a "rough patch".  your DH has shown you the kind of guy he is all along and you've turned a blind eye to it. 

    However, is it fixable?  Who knows- but you have to start be talking to him to figure this out.  Does he see the problem?  Is he willing to work with you and change? 

    That will tell you alot.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I'd try marriage counseling (ask your clergy or friends for recommendations, I had a really crappy counselor my first marriage and it did not work at all). If he's not willing, then better to cut your losses now, maybe even see if you can get it annulled. Sometimes I think women get caught up in the goal of getting married without stopping to think if this is really the guy or if you are making do with what seems to be available (which is what I did my first marriage. A hard lesson to learn!)
  • image WendyGR:
    Sometimes I think women get caught up in the goal of getting married without stopping to think if this is really the guy or if you are making do with what seems to be available (which is what I did my first marriage. A hard lesson to learn!)

     

    This is pretty much what I feel like I have done ... Now I feel like I'm stuck because of it and not really sure what my next step is because the thought of leaving this man terrifies me ... but the thought of living this way for the rest of my life is just as terrifying!

  • I'm sure I'm in the minority, but divorce is not an option for me ever, so I could never tell anyone to think about divorce. (unless there was issues with violence)

    You knew what kind of guy he was before you married him, so why get upset now? I say just talk to him and put some effort in communicating when you all are at home together, if that does nothing, try counseling.

    I'm sorry you are going through this 3 months in, however, again I have to ask why are you upset when he has always been like that? I know he had a job when you got married, but he is still the same person with or without a job. I understand that people grow and mature with age hopefully, but 3 months and he is doing the same thing he was doing before you got married, yet you feel stuck? You should feel stuck because you married him, so go in that room with him while he is watching TV and smile and talk to him. Heck, help him find a job.

    Flame if you will, but if I knowingly marry a lazy man, then I'm going to still be happy 3 months later with his lazy self.

    Good luck.

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  • Honestly, you said it yourself.

    There were too many "red flags" before you even married the guy.So, will things get better? Probably not considering things were never "better". He's always been this way and now he is so used to be taken care of he seems to not care.

    You need to stand your ground. If you dont then get used to feeling this way. 

    I believe in divorce. If your husband isnt what you truly want (even though you knew this before hand) then you need to do what you need to do.
     

  • There are problems galore here and they existed before you were married.

    He sounds quite immature; not sure if a counselor can make him grow up.

    There is a myriad of problems: he is immature, he's got job problems, he's lazy, he won't work at finding a job that's geared to his skill set and education and you 2 are not self sufficient: you live under his parents' tutelage; you and he cannot afford a place of your own. Living in a home owned by his parents is not living on your own.

    He also is not a partner with you. You and he also have communication problems.

    I am not sure if counseling can help. It may also very well be that he is not the guy for you --- be honest: why did you marry him when you did? What did you see in him that presented himself as an ideal mate to you?
  • Why on earth did you marry this guy?! He clearly isn't a good fit for you. If you want to give counseling a shot, I don't think it ever hurts, but he doesn't seem to want to change, and so I doubt it will help. I would suggest that you go alone as well, because I think you need to explore why you married someone you had such big reservations about. I do think you're likely headed for divorce here. An expensive lesson on not doing something just because it is "the next step".
  • I almost married a man like this. I broke up with him around the time he was going to propose. (i knew it was coming as we'd picked out a ring and he asked my dad, who said no, lol) When his little brother got married it was just too real. I was always stressed out and unhappy. We weren't being intimate, in any way physically or emotionally, and i just really felt like I didn't love him because of all the stess. We moved in together almost right away and he worked at a good job for several months before just walking out one day. It was a new job a week, and always getting fired for being outspoken about things that have no place in a work environment (politics).And those jobs he got because I would submit applications for him. He just played video games and complained about my complaining. I should have been more sympathetic to his depression caused by unemployment as far as he was concerned

    After we broke up, I had to file bankruptcy. I hit a really really low point in my life. And I was only 21. Truthfully, leaving him, even if it meant bankruptcy and all that, was the smartest thing I ever did, for both of us. We both went on to be better people.

    How old are you? I would think that talking to him would be good, with mediation such as counseling if need be. It could be that he needs an eye opener as to his behavior. It could be he doesn't care and in that case, I would say to move on with your life, without him.  I'm sorry for this poor situation and wish you the best of luck.

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  • It sounds kind of like your whole relationship has been one big rough patch.  Or really, one rather short rough patch.  If you were really enough of an idiot to marry him even though your relationship has always sucked, divorce seems like the best bet.  But own that decision, and realize it's all on you to figure out how to do better next time.

    So was your whole relationship one big rough patch, or are you just experiencing selective memory because you are looking for an excuse to leave?  When you first moved in together, what was the reasoning behind making that choice?  Was it because you were sure then that he was the man you wanted to marry because you already knew him well enough and knew what kind of person he was, or were you mostly looking to save money, play house, or plan your pretty pretty princess day?  It's likely he is depressed, and that can bring out the worst in people.  Generally speaking I think one of the wonderful things about marriage is being a partnership and being able to help one another through personally trying experiences, including depression or unemployment.  No matter who you are married to, there are going to be hard times when you kind of just wish you didn't have to deal with him.  To work, marriage needs to have a strong foundation.  You need to know he is worth it.  You need to know he's struggling with his own demons, not just being lazy and using you for your generosity.  Marriage takes work, but that foundation is how you know the difference between being there for your partner when he needs you most, and being a doormat.  Nobody here can tell you which it is.  If anyone knows, it's you.  Do some soul searching; you know better than anyone else whether this is going to get better or not.  

  • This sounds like more than a rough patch. To me, it sounds like you rushed into marriage for the wrong reasons and with the wrong man. When I was 24 I got involved with a man who became emotionally abusive. I stayed with him for the same reaosns you mentioned - That's what you're "supposed to do" after college. Thanks the good Lord I did not marry that man.

    I am usually a big fan of saying that you should stick by the choices you make - and in that vein, I would suggest marriage counseling. On the chance that your DH's issues stem from depression and not just out and out laziness, there is the chance that your marriage could be saved. However, if you get into it and realize that it was a mistake, you're young and can definitely recover from an early annulment.

    Best of luck to you.

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  • And if you can't afford a wife?

    You do not get married.

    Simple as that.

    Not self sufficient to support a wife and live on your own --- you don't have 2 nickels to rub together. You think moving in with a relative will make it okay? Nope.

    He had to be a slob during the year you were living with him -- isn't this the purpose of living together  --- so you can see what the person is like first?  Doubtful he was neat as a pin and then once the wedding festivities ended, he turned into the world's biggest lazy slob. Nope.

    To the OP: Why did you marry this gent when you did? Just curious to see what your reply is.
  • I too thought living together would be just like marriage but it's far from it. Once you say you do you no longer have the option of an easy break up. If you are dating you typically collect things quick and disappear to tell your friends and family your side. But a marriage is not a clean break. No one wants a failed marriage on their books. It really eats at self esteem, and it leaves you wondering who was really the problem.

    Being so new please please please address your issues in a loving way! Many women get mad and attack their husbands. This was cool dating but in a marriage it shouldn't but it becomes a check list that stacks up. Pretty soon he won't see the women he wanted to married for the long laundry list of hurtful words, annoying complaints not to mention your character flaws ( trust me women are great bit we have flaws too). Women hold marriages together and a smart women will glue her marriage with loving cement not annoying, insulting silly putty. Guys are very tender hearted and can't handle loss of control, respect, and having their heart broken. Don't confront a man in rapid fire mode ( you did, you can't, you always) he will shut you out. Always address the issue by pointing out the issue example clothes left on floor. Tell him babe, I love our home it's apart of our love story of marriage together so I try to keep it clean. I know that we can both contribute to keeping it clean but is there any thing that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable? Hair in the sink, makeup? Let him speak then tell him well babe help me out, you leave clothes on the floor do you mean to pick them up, would you like a hamper on your side??? Really sound helpful and then go back to how it just makes things flow better when we work together that why I love our relationship. This is how you address issues to a man. They are the problem often but they will rather war with you over their wrong all because their feelings got hurt than to just do right from the start. It doesn't matter who wins a fight because in marriage everyone loses the war. Get a winning approach before you get to year 5 ( the hardest year you will ever do) 

  • You have to always leave a man with dignity. If you are holding the fort down financially and he is slack, he already feels low. Men are either 100 or 10 they don't know any other way so if he retreats to a 0 behavior you are in for serious problems . You first have got to decide are your conversations encouraging friendly talk or boring complaints. Are you asking tons of questions about touchy topics? 

     You have got to restructure your marriage and not get caught like most of us in a routine. If he doesn't have a job, tighten up on the spending. Still try to muster up energy for at home date nights, playful 4 play, and don't let TV be more entertaining than you. Also arguments have to be handled with maturity even if he lacks it. Raising your voice doesn't make the words sink in better, bringing up old faults won't get you brownie points. What it can get you is an environment where both people hate being home together. Say only what is necessary, and complain everytime something else comes up. This sends signals to other men and women to try to " help " you. Pretty soon someone has violated their marriage vows. Don't get so wrapped up into who did what that you can't see what damage is happening to your marriage. Fight to improve your marriage now or pay in a painful way when it's badly damaged years later.

     

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