Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Very problematic "friend"; kind of just a vent.:(

I have known Mary for about 15 years.  Over the last 5 years or so, her behavior has become divisive and problematic.

She drinks and drinks a lot, to the point where 2 friends intervened (they are in recovery) and took Mary to an AA meeting (I found out about this via another friend of mine who is not connected to the 2 people in recovery that took her to an AA meeeting).. She did not return to AA after the 2 of them took her to that meeting.

I used to hear from/see Mary often but  10 years ago, she moved to a locale about 30 miles from me; she got involved with other friends and the friendship I had with Mary kind of lapsed and went by the wayside. (at the time she moved, i was still married and had my own acquaintances/friends/things to do with the H and family. So i really did not have that much time for Mary; it happens.)

I know none of these new-ish friends of hers. She's been in that circle with them for nearly 8 years.

Here's the scoop:  A friend of mine mentioned to Mary that she's already in the process of planning a holiday party; she told Mary when the party was. Mary told her flat out she will not attend if I am there.


I have not seen Mary for nearly a year.  I invited her to an event I ws having; that was the last I saw/heard from her --- this was last December.

To top this off, my friend suspects she is drinking a lot. Mary's also gained a ton of weight (it's most likely from the empty calories in the booze) plus she's abusing the medications she is on. She's mixing them with alcohol and you're not supposed to do that.

I can't figure out what she's got against me. We used to be pretty tight and as I said, I have not seen Mary nor heard from her in nearly a year.

The "I don't want to go if TM will be there" happened about 3 weeks ago. This past week, Mary stopped by to see the same friend and as a matter of conversation, mentioned to Mary that she and I went out to dinner for my birthday and that we enjoyed the cake that Mary dropped off at friend's house earlier in the week.

Mary blew up and told my friend that she should not have given any of the cake to me. Mary told my friend straight away that she was highly offended that I was given "Mary's" cake.

This caused a huge argument with Mary and friend and friend pretty much told Mary to shove off and that was the end of the conversation.

I don't know what is up with any of this. Something's in the mix and I don't know what.

Did I piss Mary off? Who knows! I have not, as I said, seen her or heard from her in nearly a year. what was there of our friendship, as I said, turned into a distant acquaintanceship over that year. So who knows why she's got such a bug up her ass over me?

People sure are funny. And considering how very bizarre this is -- the last I heard, if you gave an item to somebody, that person now owns the item. It's no longer yours, right? So what's this "you shouldn't have given her any of my cake" all about, then?

I say there is no loss here. None at all; I don't hear from Mary but who knows what happened that she's got this problem with me? Her name never comes up in conversation anynore, that's how distant it's been with she and I.

Re: Very problematic "friend"; kind of just a vent.:(

  • :( That's a bummer.  I'm sorry.

    Honestly, I think you're right that this is no loss, and the "how dare you share cake with her" thing is bizarre.  It sounds like this friendship pretty mutually tapered off a while ago- like you said, it happens.  

    I will say that some of the people I know that have problematic/ bizarre/ explosive behaviors also tend to see a lot of causality where there might not be any- as in, instead of being able to say, "Yeah, we kind of grew apart, lives went in different directions, you know," for them it's, "They used to be in my life but aren't anymore, therefore they must hate me/ judge me/ have something against me. How dare they! Now I don't like them either."  So I wanted to throw that out there- she might not be at a place emotionally where she can process that someone who isn't part of her life has nothing against her.  

  • Going to sound harsh here, but cut your losses and thank your lucky stars. This doesn't really sound like someone you want to be friends with. As far as the cake thing? Weird, but oh well, she needs to get over it. 
  • Geez, Mary sounds toxic!

    Honestly, with all the alcohol and medication (drugs) she consumes who knows her issue with you. It could be anything-jealousy, upset because of the distance, here say, ect.

    If I were you I would continue to stay away from here. Sounds like you are a better friend to her anyway and until she gets some help the relationship will be rocky.


  • She's also pitting friend against friend --- then I find out from the friend who gave me the pie and gift that "Mary told me Jane complained about you."

    Jane??? complain about anybody? She's one of the most easy going people I know.

    And suppose either I or my friend with the pie called Jane and repeated this? suppose Jane calls Mary and goes, "What's this I hear about me complaining about TM?" Go and start a war! is this what you are striving for, considering that you also know Jane and consider Jane to be a friend of yours, too?

    Great; you now lost yourself 3 friends.:(

    I am glad I am out of the line of fire.

  • Wow, sorry to hear about this weirdo in your circle of friends, TM.

     It sounds like you made the right choice to let the friendship drift apart. I can't understand people who decide to feel animosity towards others when there was no argument or reason for drama. People drift apart sometimes.  But I think that some people need definitive labels, like "Friend" or "Enemy", they can't just let things be in the gray area. Some people also can't accept that the closeness of a friendship can change without ending completely. 

    Anyway, I am happy to hear that your other friends are true, and not letting this woman bash you and make them choose sides.  

  • It's always disappointing to lose a friend, even when you don't realize it's happening! It doesn't sound like this is or has been a quality friendship for a while though Tarpon. I'm glad you recongnize this too.

  • I think she is mad at you because you guys are no longer friends. Yeah I guess she should just understand that people drift apart, but if you were really close she could be really hurt that you are no longer friends.  I think it is unrealistic for no one to ever have hurt feelings when a friendship ends. 

    Maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of.  Unfortunately if she isn't going to tell you what that is there is not much you can do except ignore her or try to talk to her.  And I wouldn't try to talk to her unless you want to be her friend again.

    I have been mad/ hurt by a friend that dumped me, but I don't say anything to mutual friends.  I have not talked to the person though because I don't want to be her friend either because she has been a jerk to me too many times, and because I don't want to get into a you did this you did that conversation.  I do understand losing a friend hurts and having them talk about you hurts too.  She does sound bizarre like you said. 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards