Relationships

He doesn't want to marry me.

My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 

Re: He doesn't want to marry me.

  • image HopeTay2g:

    My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

    I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 



    This kills me, it really does.....

    Let me ask you this:

    When you and he were together for a couple of years, didn't you --- or he --- encroach the subject of your possible future together, as a husband and wife?

    If it wasn't brought up by then, then by the very latest, a year later.

    I know the horse is already out of the barn here but indeed you and he needed to discuss the topic, if being married was a future goal of yours. Why should you have to sit by and say nothing? You should know whether or not he's got plans on marrying you, correct? Why should you waste your time if he's got a different goal in mind than you have, right?

    The deal:

    You need to sit down with him and ask him straight away "Is there marriage in the very near future for you and I?" If he says no, or he dances around the topic, or he gets defensive ---- or gives you any answer but "Yes, and let's set a date right now" --- do what you have to do.

    You can:

    Accept the fact that he will not marry you and carry on
    Or say goodbye, see an attorney about child support and child visitation, and you go your separate way.... and find a guy who wants what you want: marriage.

    What makes this tougher is the fact that there are 2 kids involved. I for one would not be this guy's sex kitten, cook, maid, housecleaner, laundress and entertainment committee and continue to play house without marriage being immient.

    GL. Let us know how you make out.
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image HopeTay2g:

    My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

    I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 



    This kills me, it really does.....

    Let me ask you this:

    When you and he were together for a couple of years, didn't you --- or he --- encroach the subject of your possible future together, as a husband and wife?

    If it wasn't brought up by then, then by the very latest, a year later.

    I know the horse is already out of the barn here but indeed you and he needed to discuss the topic, if being married was a future goal of yours. Why should you have to sit by and say nothing? You should know whether or not he's got plans on marrying you, correct? Why should you waste your time if he's got a different goal in mind than you have, right?

    The deal:

    You need to sit down with him and ask him straight away "Is there marriage in the very near future for you and I?" If he says no, or he dances around the topic, or he gets defensive ---- or gives you any answer but "Yes, and let's set a date right now" --- do what you have to do.

    You can:

    Accept the fact that he will not marry you and carry on
    Or say goodbye, see an attorney about child support and child visitation, and you go your separate way.... and find a guy who wants what you want: marriage.

    What makes this tougher is the fact that there are 2 kids involved. I for one would not be this guy's sex kitten, cook, maid, housecleaner, laundress and entertainment committee and continue to play house without marriage being immient.

    GL. Let us know how you make out.
    What she said. Thinking she should be a therapist at this point.
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image HopeTay2g:

    My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

    I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 



    This kills me, it really does.....

    Let me ask you this:

    When you and he were together for a couple of years, didn't you --- or he --- encroach the subject of your possible future together, as a husband and wife?

    If it wasn't brought up by then, then by the very latest, a year later.

    I know the horse is already out of the barn here but indeed you and he needed to discuss the topic, if being married was a future goal of yours. Why should you have to sit by and say nothing? You should know whether or not he's got plans on marrying you, correct? Why should you waste your time if he's got a different goal in mind than you have, right?

    The deal:

    You need to sit down with him and ask him straight away "Is there marriage in the very near future for you and I?" If he says no, or he dances around the topic, or he gets defensive ---- or gives you any answer but "Yes, and let's set a date right now" --- do what you have to do.

    You can:

    Accept the fact that he will not marry you and carry on
    Or say goodbye, see an attorney about child support and child visitation, and you go your separate way.... and find a guy who wants what you want: marriage.

    What makes this tougher is the fact that there are 2 kids involved. I for one would not be this guy's sex kitten, cook, maid, housecleaner, laundress and entertainment committee and continue to play house without marriage being immient.

    GL. Let us know how you make out.
    What she said. 
  • Sorry for the double post. The internet gods said my first one didn't succeed. Oops. 
  • And think about this, also:

    Isn't he supposed to be, as your loving and caring partner who wants you to be happy, concerned with your needs?

    How come he's letting what you want go by the wayside?

    Even if he doesn't want to get married, he needs to sit you down and tell you that exactly, and as kindly as possible. He needs to take the fall on this one and be a man about it, not let you sit there for years until you finally say "I'm getting out of here. there's not going to be a marriage for us."

    And this kills me because he is getting what he wants, all minus the benefit of marriage.

    I woudn't waste a minute more. I'd just cut my losses and go; there's no point in staying around when he's made it clear he does not wish to get married. Nobody wants to play house.
  • image HopeTay2g:

    My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

    I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 

    Talk to him. What are you afraid of? He might be interested in entertaining the idea of marriage if it is so important to you.

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  • Get somebody to watch the kids for the afternoon and you and he talk about it, no interruptions. Shut off all the electronic gadgets and phones.

    I imagine it's terrifying to consider that it's possible that you may be leaving this relationship if he doesn't want marriage; you have a couple of kids, you've been with him for quite awhile and there's still a comfort zone that you've gotten into.

    Put yourself first.  If you think you need other assistance, try a counselor.

    If you should decide to go, I think a counselor would be a very good idea: you need to identify why you didn't choose a partner that married you within a reasonably decent length of time.  This will help you to avoid falling into the same pattern in the future.
  • He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 
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  • I'm wondering what feels "wrong" to you now.  The suburban environment?  The fact that others around you are married?  What?
  • image EastCoastBride:
    He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 


    Good one, ECB.

    I am not a prude, but the OP's situation is an excellent reason why kids minus marriage is not a good idea.

    You are stuck with him until the last youngster turns 18 -- there will be child support you need to get from him and visitation issues --- it is also an emotional bond, even if you've long moved on from him.

    Put yourself first; that is what you need to do. See a counselor if beforehand you have trouble with the fact that you might have to move on, if it turns out he's still against marriage.
  • image EastCoastBride:
    He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 

     

    Agreed.  And maybe this is classist of me, but I really don't get having multiple kids with someone without ever bothering to clear up that whole marriage issue.  

    image
  • When you say you both have been set in this decision.. have you "both" been set, or have you just not wanted to approach the subject with him. I really think you need to examine why you are now having a problem with the arrangement after moving. It is the change of lifestyle that is affecting you.... 
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    image EastCoastBride:
    He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 

     

    Agreed.  And maybe this is classist of me, but I really don't get having multiple kids with someone without ever bothering to clear up that whole marriage issue.  

     I agree with both of these ladies. At this point you should tell him it's important to you and it's only 35.00 at the Courthouse to say I Do.  

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    image EastCoastBride:
    He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 

     

    Agreed.  And maybe this is classist of me, but I really don't get having multiple kids with someone without ever bothering to clear up that whole marriage issue.  

    I agree with ECB and ReturnofKuus

  • image MLE2010:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    image EastCoastBride:
    He isn't "fond" of marriage, but has no problem having kids w/ you?  I truly never get this.  Kids tie you to another person much more so than marriage does. 

     

    Agreed.  And maybe this is classist of me, but I really don't get having multiple kids with someone without ever bothering to clear up that whole marriage issue.  

     I agree with both of these ladies. At this point you should tell him it's important to you and it's only 35.00 at the Courthouse to say I Do.  



    Bingo.

    Somebody needs to sit this guy down and read him the riot act:

    Sh!t or get off the bowl.

    Either you wish to marry this young woman or you do not: make your choice right now.

  • If marriage were important to you, you should have made that a priority 2 children and a house ago.  It's kind of too late to be uppity and issuing ultimatums about it now.

    And really, what incentive does he have to marry you now?  You've already shown him that marriage doesn't mean anything to you.  And honestly........why is it important to you NOW?  What do you think is going to change if you get married?

    Marriage was important to me because I needed it as the foundation that all of the other stuff (house, kids, etc) was built on.  Marriage was a necessity for me before any of that other stuff happened. 

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  • image HopeTay2g:

    My boyfriend of 7 years does not want to ever get married. It's just something he isn't fond of. He doesn't see the need for all of that and up until recently, I agreed. We have 2 children together and we just moved from our urban city apartment to a large suburban home. We are living that "american dream" life but it feels wrong not being married. When we lived in the city, all was fine. It was never a problem but now it's just not sitting well with me.

    I'm scared to talk to him about it because we have been set on this whole deal of not getting married and now 7 years in, 2 children later, I'm changing my mind. Help please!! 

    Honestly, I dont feel bad for you because it seems like he was completely transparent from the beginning.

    If he has always said that he didnt want to get married and TWO KIDS later you were ok with that then there is nothing you can do. If you all of a sudden have changed your mind, and he doesnt, then you may need to find a new boyfriend. 

  • How is it that after 7 years and 2 children together, you are afraid to talk to him about things that are important to you?  I sort of get not bothering to get married if your relationship is already like marriage and you don't feel the need... but if you aren't comfortable talking with him about stuff like this, your relationship actually isn't like a marriage at all.  Why would you even want to share your life with someone you are afraid to talk about your dreams with?  Whatever you decide as a couple, you need to learn to speak freely about stuff like this with each other.  If you really think it might be a big argument, get a babysitter, a relationship counselor, or both.  

  • totally agree with tarpon....

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