Relationships

Need advice about husband's anger

Hi everyone,

 I need some advice about my marriage.  Sorry this is long....  Here are the background details:  We have been married for one year, together for six years total.  

My husband has always had anger management issues.  He has a stressful job and had a stressful childhood, so in the beginning I always just tried to be understanding and supportive.  However, the anger slowly became very serious.  An example could be that he might accidentally burn the dinner he was cooking, and before I know it he would be screaming insults at me until the point I would be in a ball on the floor crying.  Honestly looking back at the situation, I should have left him much earlier, but it built up so slowly over time that I don't think I ever realized how serious it was.  He went back to being a great guy after a while, so I assumed it was a phase he grew out of.  After a year of being wonderful to me he asked me to marry him, and a year after that we got married.  Well, not even two days into our honeymoon, he was back to the way he used to be.  I became really depressed, began having panic attacks, and blamed myself.  A few months later I realized that his behavior towards me was abuse, and told him that I would leave him, if he continued to abuse me.  He started to be better to me, but took his anger out on other people instead.  He would yell at people working in stores if they were out of an item or be incredibly rude and condescending to a waitress if she made a simple mistake, for example.  I am honestly embarrassed to leave the house with him a lot.  I have suggested therapy many times, but he refuses.  He has now joined an anger management group that meets once a week, but I don't think that is going to be enough at this point, and I think he is only joining because I am basically forcing him to, not out of genuine wanting to do it.  He is also extremely close minded and very judgmental, and I am now very concerned that when we have kids, they will be influenced by his anger and his attitudes towards other people.

Honestly if we were not married I would have 100% left him over the past year.  But, now that we are married I feel so guilty wanting to leave, and I have no idea what to do.  He is away a lot for work (military), and I cherish the moments I have alone in a house where I don't have to walk on eggshells and can come home from work in a great mood, and not have my happiness crushed within half an hour by his negativity.  I haven't discussed this with my parents or many close friends because I know they will never forget about it, and I won't be able to move on in the future, should I decide to stay with him for the rest of my life.  I don't know what to do at all, and need some advice. 

Re: Need advice about husband's anger

  • My first marriage was somewhat along the lines of what your explaining but he was much more passive aggressive.

    The decision has to be yours and yours alone, you have to be 100% committed to your decision and once you make it you need to follow through. 

    Leaving my ex-husband was one of the hardest things that I ever decided to do, picking up and leaving him and making it on my own seemed impossible and scary beyond belief. It did end up being the best decision I ever made, for me... It made me into a much stronger and independent person. I realized I could make it on my own and that I really didn't miss him. I took time to mourn the man I remember him being in our best days and there was a lot of times where I thought about the fact that he could be that again... but he never would be. 

    It did end up being the best thing I ever did because I came back into contact with an old friend of mine who is now my current husband. 

    It was so hard to do, but I believe deep down you know what is right.. just because he went through with the marriage doesn't mean your stuck there. No one man or woman should stay in a relationship where they are afraid/ mistreated or dreading having that person around you.. Do what you feel is right and remember that you have the strength to whatever it is you decide is best! Do what you need to do for you! 

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  • I second the other post. While I did not end up marrying the person that was *exactly the same* I did let it run my life for the 2 years we were together. It was emotional abuse, and manipulative, and you don't realize what's happening. I totally relate to women in abusive relationships since then and am no longer the one that says "why doesn't she just leave?" Because it's a hard decision to come to. ultimately though, you will feel so much more relief from doing it. If you're not committed to leaving, perhaps some counseling could be a last effort before jumping ship?

    (i used to hate being home alone also because something might happen while he was gone that he would feel the need to quiz me over. i was never happy) Good luck to you. You have a good support system here. :)

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  • Anger schmanger --- he has no right to talk to you, or anybody, that way.

    I am trying to figure out why you kept dating a guy with a temper, let alone marry him. Not normal behavior; he's got problems.

    I would tell him If you mistreat me or anyone again I am out the door -- and make it stick.

    And if he says does it, you pack up and you get out. The game isn't worth the candle for this loose cannon no-respect sh!thead.

    Personally, I say leave him. Enough was enough years ago. He'll eat away at your self esteem, whatever you have left of it -- and this easily can turn into anger. Too bad the military didn't make a man out of him, eh?

    Oye....and if you are truly and really envisioning a family with this character, you've got big big problems. No man who is like your H deserves to be a father. This would be one hell of a powderkeg to bring them into. They'll be all fooked up for  sure -- either turn into bullies themselves or be everybody's millequetoast doormat pushovers.

    I am serious about giving him the ultimatum and sticking to it..

    And he can call your bluff; he already has. This is why if you give an ultimatum you have to follow through on it.

    Put yourself first. Marriage to this guy? I wouldn't proceed any further with it from here, if I were you.

    And therapy for yourself. You need to find out why you thought it was a good idea to date and then marry a guy with anger problems. GL.
  • image danielleper03:

    I second the other post. While I did not end up marrying the person that was *exactly the same* I did let it run my life for the 2 years we were together. It was emotional abuse, and manipulative, and you don't realize what's happening. I totally relate to women in abusive relationships since then and am no longer the one that says "why doesn't she just leave?" Because it's a hard decision to come to. ultimately though, you will feel so much more relief from doing it. If you're not committed to leaving, perhaps some counseling could be a last effort before jumping ship?

    (i used to hate being home alone also because something might happen while he was gone that he would feel the need to quiz me over. i was never happy) Good luck to you. You have a good support system here. :)

    This is close to my story. But in mine it turned physical.

    Please, get out now.

  • image chiualover:
    image danielleper03:

    I second the other post. While I did not end up marrying the person that was *exactly the same* I did let it run my life for the 2 years we were together. It was emotional abuse, and manipulative, and you don't realize what's happening. I totally relate to women in abusive relationships since then and am no longer the one that says "why doesn't she just leave?" Because it's a hard decision to come to. ultimately though, you will feel so much more relief from doing it. If you're not committed to leaving, perhaps some counseling could be a last effort before jumping ship?

    (i used to hate being home alone also because something might happen while he was gone that he would feel the need to quiz me over. i was never happy) Good luck to you. You have a good support system here. :)

    This is close to my story. But in mine it turned physical.

    Please, get out now.



    So many women are involved with these douchebag abusers and guys with "anger management" issues . WHY???

    I am surprised the OP's H did not get into nice legal hot water by being nasty and abusive to those in stores or other service jobs.  At the very least, he can possibly be arrested for being a disorderly person or making terroistic threats! Stores and other organizations are very funny and touchy about that.

    I'd just go; I'd get my financial ducks in a row, see an attorney and then file the second everyting is ready to go. And I'd do it when he is not home. Above all, I would NOT tell him I'm leaving him.
  • Leave him now.  You didn't realize how serious the problem was before, and now it's gotten worse.  The longer you stay, the worse it's going to get.  And the worse it gets, the more dangerous it will be when you try to leave.  That's why you have to get out now- before you get pregnant, before his behavior has escalated to physical abuse.

    We all get angry sometimes.  He isn't unique in that regard, so he shouldn't get a free pass to deal with his emotions in such an inappropriate manner.  And if he's only going to the group to placate you, things will not get better.  He has to want it for himself, and it doesn't look like that's the case.

    What is your relationship with your family like?  If it's not bad, please tell them what's going on and getting some support to get out.  Call a domestic violence hotline if you need to- the abuse doesn't have to be physical for them to help you.

    You don't deserve this.  He's an adult- if he doesn't know how to treat you and others like human beings by now, it's unlikely that he will ever learn.  How do you think he would handle a newborn?  Do you want him screaming at your baby?  No one who loved you would treat you like this.  He's been showing you for six years that there's no hope of him changing.  Please get out as soon as you can.  There's no shame in protecting yourself.

  • Please leave now. Before you get pregnant and drag innocent children into this mess. Could you ever imagine allowing anyone to treat a child the way he treats you? I bet not. So why do you deserve this? You don't!

    I also agree with PP that you need therapy. There is nothing you can do now about staying with an abusive person for years and then marrying him (other than setting things right and getting out ASAP) but you sure can prevent this from happening again in the future. You need to figure out why you did it though.  

    You'll be so happy when you don't have to deal with this clown anymore. It's hard to come to the conclusion you've made a huge mistake, but you will be so much better off! Good luck and be glad you don't have kids.

  • Lying in a ball on the floor crying seems like more than enough of a reason to leave.  I have been in a similar situation and leaving was so hard and took me 8 months after I made the decision but it was the best choice for me.  It built so much confidence. It slowly progresses before you realize how rediculous it is. 

     Youre going to have to decide on your own but I would definitely not har children with this man.  No one deserves this treatment, if don't choose to protect yourself you will not be able to protect your children.  

     I spent the first 23 years of my life trying to figure myself out after an emotionally abusive childhood.  Therapy helped me but it shouldnt have to be like that of parents make smart decisions about who to procreate with. 

  • Leave. Being married to him doesn't mean you can't leave him. This isn't going to work, please leave before you have children with him.
  • image MLE2010:
    Leave. Being married to him doesn't mean you can't leave him. This isn't going to work, please leave before you have children with him.

    This exactly.

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  • In light of your situation, I'm troubled by your saying "when we have kids." Please fix yourself, and let him fix himself if that is even possible, before ever truly considering having children.
  • Don't kid yourself.  He's not going to get better.  He can put on an act of being "better" when he senses that you're thinking about leaving him, but as soon as he knows he's reeled you back in, he's up to his old tricks and worse.

    He got you to marry him in this way.  He's using the "anger management" class in a similar way.  All it's doing is giving you a false assurance that he's "doing something" about the problem and making you feel guilty about leaving.

    Don't fall for it.  Make a plan and get away.  You're worth it!

    P.S. Don't have kids with a guy who will harm them emotionally (and maybe physically.)  No matter how good a mom you are, you won't be able to compensate for the damage he does to them.  If you have kids with him, it'll be 1000x harder to make a clean break from him than it is now.  

  • How long has he been in anger management? I have no experience with that, but I am curious why you think counseling would help but AM groups won't.

    If you want to give your marriage another chance, I suggest a separation and counseling. He needs to know that his inability to control his anger will result in negative consequences for his life, and you need to talk to someone about what's going on. If you want your DH to go to counseling, make it a requirement for reunification. You might also look for therapists that specialize in military families, as they have their very own dynamic and set of mitigating circumstances.

    If what you really want is to leave your marriage, I don't think anyone will hold it against you. The life you're living is not healthy, and quite frankly is ripe for escalation of abuse. You've got a long life ahead of you, and it's supposed to be one of joy and happiness - not fear and anxiety. If you do leave him, I suggest counseling for you too. Women who have been in an abusive relationship are very likely to find themselves in another abusive relationship on down the line. You will need to identify within yourself what you can do to avoid men like this. You will learn things like the difference between being supportive and being an enabler, being compassionate and being vulnerable to abuse.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN until he has his issues firmly in check, and is under the supervision of a therapist. Children only amplify untreated psychological issues. They will either end up with his rage or your fear. Plus, they will likely become a pawn he can use against you should you ever decide to leave him.

    I think you know what you really want. I hope you find the strength to follow that. Best of luck to you.

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  • All of the above; especially when it comes to having children. Not only is it a bad environment for children and he will hurt them, but they may resent you later in life for not protecting them enough. My FI mom was the woman that stayed and my FI resents her for so many things. His dad was manipulative and abusive in many ways (emotionally, physically, and sexually), and FI's mom stayed with him, no matter what, because she loved him. (He's now currently in prison and they are divorced). FI mom knew about the abuse happening to my FI and his 3 sisters but refused to actually acknowledge it. He still loves her, but it's hard for him to forgive her for allowing a man to abuse him and his sisters for years while she turned a blind eye. He can't figure out why, if she loved him and his sisters as much as she says she does, she knowingly allowed them to be hurt so badly. Now, my FI has a strained relationship with his mom; rarely talk, rarely see each other and when they do, it's awkward.

    Please, don't risk something like this; it hurts all involved and if you want to have a good relationship with your future children the best thing you can do is to leave now, before you even think about having them with this man. Find a man that is everything this guy isn't, who will actually love you and take care of you and the children you may have together. There are plenty of good ones out there.

  • On a side note, if there is any chance of physicial violence you need to get out of this relationship ASAP and avoid confrontation outside of a safe situation.  

    The fact that he joined the anger management group (if he is, in fact going) would indicate he has some emotional investment in your marriage.  SINCE YOU HAVE EXPRESSED A DESIRE TO WORK IT OUT/GUILT OVER THE COMMITMENT.... I would sit him down in a public place (or some where safe) and discuss why he needs to attend therapy (or counseling with your pastor?) with the option of couple counseling.  If he refuses to go, you can say you tried everything possible to make it work and he was not able to give the same effort.  If he goes and it doesn't work out, you can say you did everything possible to make it work and it just didn't!  And if it works out, well that is best case scenario, right?  

    You need to immediately intact infallible birth control measures to prevent a spread of violence.....  depo shot or diaphragm, speak with your doctor!  It would be irresponsible to bring a child into an unstable environment until you can provide a safe home.  My mother in law choose to stay and 3/4 of the kids have serious drug, emotional and behavioral issues :(

    And just to lend support, I cant imagine anyone faulting you for choosing to leave the relationship without bothering with therapy.  I would have been OUTTIE girlll!    

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