Relationships

Living together with kids

Okay so me and my fiance are planning to get married in May 2014. We are considering buying a house and moving in together before we say "I do", the issue is that I have a 3 year old son. Both my son and my FI love each other alot, but I'm not sure if its a good idea to move in together before we get married. What do you think?

Re: Living together with kids

  • Normally I am not for living together if you have chidren. But, since your son is so young, he's not really going to know if you're married or not. I absolutely would not buy a house together before you're married. There is so much that can go wrong with that.

    Is there a reason you're waiting so long to get married if you feel you are ready for these other big steps together?

  • I am assuming by your working that your Fi is NOT the father of your son...

    Normally I would say your ex's opinion doesnt matter, but if the father is involved at all, it could cause a lot of tension/strain on the relationship you are forced to have by parenting a child together and I would wait out of respect for your childs father (not because you need to give a crap about your ex, but because your child needs as little drama between you as possible).

    I would wait.

  • I agree with the PP who said do not buy a house just yet.  I'd wait at least 2 years after you're married; your marriage needs "legs" and a good chunk of time married.

    I don't know if your FI is the child's dad or if somebody else is.

    Work on being together as a family. And if your FI isn't the kiddo's father, make sure that he nurtures a great relationship with the little one before you are married. That's the most inportant thing.

    Another great reason to wait:

    Kids are enormously expensive to nurture and grow. :) They also need stuff.

    And LOTS of stuff.:)  Health care, health insurance, clothes (that they outgrow by the time you leave the store), food and shelter, a college fund for the future and as an option, other things that I consider an investment in the child's development: music lessons (not too young to start and kids who are musical do better in school and in sports; it's a proven study) and a lifetime sport, like soccer, swimming, martial arts, tennis or ballroom dance.

  • I agree- don't buy a house until AFTER you're married.

    As far as living together...  yeah, sure, your DS is young and won't really know, but for me, personally - I wouldn't do it. 

    I lived w/ DH for years before getting married - I have no issue with that.  But I  just feel when child is involved, it's a game changer and for my own sense of "right & wrong", I don't feel that I could make that kind of move w/o being married.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • I wouldn't buy a house before you are married either, because it could get messy if the wedding doesn't happen. I don't believe you need to wait two years until after you get married to buy one though.

    As far as moving in together, I think it depends. Without a kid, I would say absolutely. With a kid....you need to be more cautious. How long have you been together? How much exposure has your son had to your fiance? What is the arrangement with your son's father? If you have been together for more of your son's life, they have a good relationship, and the father of your son is either nowhere in the picture or is ok with it, then I would probably say go for it.

  • Personally, unless you have a big reason to wait I would move up the wedding to May 2013, then wait to move in until after you are married and buy the house after you are married as well.  I would however, try to figure out what kind of things would bother you about living with your FI before you get married, and see if you can live with that- i.e. is he a slob, how would you handle household chores etc, how would he co-parent.  Talk about that a lot before marriage- maybe do premarital counseling.  With a child in the picture you want to be 100%. 
  • OK, let me enlighten you...I was a single mother...my ex husband and I moved in with each other before we got married.  We also bought a house together before our wedding.  HOWEVER, we paid cash for our house.  We didn't have a mortgage.

    So, it is ok to move in together.  let him feel out what he is going to get (instant family)!  It isn't easy. He is getting a package deal.  Regardless of your childs (real) father!  He will have to if he hasn't already, get used to the fact that your with this man.  In my situation.  My son's father was absentee!  Then years later, popped back and gave my son a car, without running it by me first!  (whole other issue!)

    As far as buying a home before a your marriage.  You and your fi, will have to qualify seperately for the mortgage.  You will have to sign the loan docs alone.  So, it is best to wait until after your married, so you can combine your incomes, and debt ratio to qualify for the loan.  Improve your credit scores, etc. 

     

  • Okay. My FI is NOT my son's biological father. My son's biological dad has not been in the picture or even offered to see his son since he was born. Chris (FI) has been there since my son was 1yr.  So we've been a "family" for a long time so he knows what he's getting into. We are waiting to get married till 2014 because of financial situation. I want a real wedding not a quick one and we have to pay for it ourselves. Thank you ALL for the advice. I would appreciate any more suggestions and advice. 
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