Hi everyone. I've been married for over 4 years. Before we got married, my husband and I opened joint account and have started religiously contributing to a joint savings (even if not a lot) every month. The rule we had was that as long as we save what we committed to saving, we won't question each other's spendings. However, since we relocated, he stopped contributing to our savings. Every time I tried to remind him of the balance he owes to our nest egg, he always come up with an excuse of why he cannot contribute, e.g. paying off his card debts, our vacation expenses, investing in small businesses with his friends, etc. What's more, he make uses of the joint account we still have in our previous home state to pay his student loans or personal loans.
Recently, our joint account balance has been depleted almost completely because our tenant moved out so the account doesn't get funded anymore and his loans are still being taken out of the same account. When I asked him to transfer money to fund the account, he said he cannot fund it because he has been covering all the household expenses since I went to NY for a temporary work assignment.
Here are my problems:
1. Whenever have a talk about money, we always end up in a fight. When I suggest we set aside some time to talk about financial goals, his response is that he doesn't want to talk about setting a goal when we have to incur major expenses on travel and higher living expenses here. He said he will not come if he is forced to look at financial goals and our financial situation.
2. After netting off the expenses he paid for the household from his income, i determined he still has a good chunk of disposable cash (we make about 200k total per annum) to cover his loan payments, contribute to our savings or both! The only reason that I think he doesn't have money left is because he spent all of it on entertainment and going out. (He doesn't buy me any presents or buy our daughter any toys or clothes). But I don't know how to confront him on this or get him to own up to his spending habits without being confrontational or send him into defensive mode. I tried just sending him a table showing his income, expense and disposable cash, and his response was "I don't want to look at it, or else i don't want to come to NY".
Every discussion about money since i came to NY has ended with him saying that he doesn't want to visit me. I'm so frustrated and hurt because I feel that he is trying to avoid seeing the hard facts, won't take accountability for his spending habits and is emotionally blackmailing me for trying to bring the issue to the open. We still love each other, but I can't help but think of the "D" word whenever i think about our money matters! Help!!