Married Life

Nothing to talk about...

DH and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We have a pretty strong relationship, get along well with each other's parents, and don't argue often. But, as much as we love each other, we don't have a lot in common. I am extremely introverted because of an anxiety disorder, and I don't go outside much because I have severe excema. But DH is very outgoing, loves the outdoors, and can make friends with anyone, anywhere. We love the differences we have. He helps me feel more comfortable in my own skin and get out and meet people, and I help mellow him out and learn to enjoy the simple things (his words). 

The problem we have is that since we don't have much in common, I feel like we don't ever have anything to talk about. If I try to tell him about a good book I have read lately, he will listen, but I don't really get anything back from him because he hates reading. Or if he tries to tell me about a new car that he read about online, I will just get bored of the conversation because I don't really like cars... Not to mention he is so smart that a lot of what he tries to share with me goes way over my head. He is studying technical engineering and structural design in school, with a minor in physics; so when he tries to tell me about that kind of stuff, I feel stupid. I think he can tell, because he stopped talking about it. When we go out to dinner we just sit there and stare at eat other... But when we are out with friends I feel like we always have a great time. Like, we are great together around other people, but not when we're alone. We have tried doing new things together, but it seems like when we do, one of us excels, so the other one doesn't want to do it anymore (we are both competetive), or it falls through for some reason (we started taking dance lessons last year and showed up at the studio one day to find that it closed down!!).

My question is: if you were in this situation, how would you bridge the gap?

Re: Nothing to talk about...

  • I am somewhat in the same position... but we do have some things in common, and that is what we talk about most of the time... thankfully I am somewhat into cars, so that is a topic that pops up pretty quick... although Im certainly not as into them as he is... but I try to listen as much as possible... even if Im not interested at the time... 

    My only suggestion to this is really just listen to what he has to say about something, even if you aren't interested, that way he knows you are trying, and keep talking about the things you are interested in.... even if he doesn't respond much, at least he is listening! 

  • image joshandpanda:

     I try to listen as much as possible... even if Im not interested at the time... 

    My only suggestion to this is really just listen to what he has to say about something, even if you aren't interested, that way he knows you are trying, and keep talking about the things you are interested in.... even if he doesn't respond much, at least he is listening! 

    This.

    H and I have a lot in common but we still have diferences and different levels of interests in things. I found even if I am not that interested it helps to respond and ask questions when he is talking about something. I ask a lot of questions and do clarifying statements when I am confused or want to make sure I understand. When I go on and on about something and H hasn't said anything I ask his opinion on it or a question related to the topic.

    For example: I am talking about a book I'm reading. He is listening but quiet. Then I ask him something about dragons because dragons are in the book. This leads to something else. So on and so forth. Eventually we are talking about who knows what but it definitely isn't related to the book in any way. Occasionally the conversation goes full circle. 

    Even if neither of you are interested in current events it's a good place to start a conversation. Get each others opinions and views on whats going on. The conversation will hopefully naturally evolve. 

  • Im glad im not alone on this. I think DH and I have more differences than anything. And like you two, he's very outgoing and almost intense while im a lot more chilled out, and I think that has helped because it balances us out. Its hard though. I wish i had advice but im in the same situation you are :-/
  • Find a hobby together! Even if its something stupid like doing jigsaw puzzles (H thought they were for old people until he hung around my family)....just having something to do with your hands instead of sitting there trying to "talk about something" makes conversation so much more natural...and then even if you don't have anything to talk about and its quite, its still time spent together.....(we also canoe as one of our activities that in itself gives us something to talk about....and when we are doing it we often start talking just because conversation seems to flow easier when paddling....)
  • This really is wonderful advice, i absolutely agree.
  • image erollis:
    image joshandpanda:

     I try to listen as much as possible... even if Im not interested at the time... 

    My only suggestion to this is really just listen to what he has to say about something, even if you aren't interested, that way he knows you are trying, and keep talking about the things you are interested in.... even if he doesn't respond much, at least he is listening! 

    This.

    H and I have a lot in common but we still have diferences and different levels of interests in things. I found even if I am not that interested it helps to respond and ask questions when he is talking about something. I ask a lot of questions and do clarifying statements when I am confused or want to make sure I understand. When I go on and on about something and H hasn't said anything I ask his opinion on it or a question related to the topic.

    For example: I am talking about a book I'm reading. He is listening but quiet. Then I ask him something about dragons because dragons are in the book. This leads to something else. So on and so forth. Eventually we are talking about who knows what but it definitely isn't related to the book in any way. Occasionally the conversation goes full circle. 

    Even if neither of you are interested in current events it's a good place to start a conversation. Get each others opinions and views on whats going on. The conversation will hopefully naturally evolve. 

    Yep.  This and this.  DH and I have totally different interests but we do a lot of "I read an article about this today...what's your opinion?"  Usually human interest stuff.  We also started working at the same place so now we gossip about coworkers but that probably won't help you.

    I wouldn't worry too much.  Just make the effort.  DH and I have been together 11 years this way and we're still happy.

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  • This happens to DH and I sometimes. We get in ruts where there is nothing I have to tell him about and nothing he has to tell me about. He is the same way with cars and I could care less. I have told him that I don't understand cars and have no desire to understand them. I support him that he wants to fix them but that's all I can do. We are also the same way when we go out with friends, very talkative and outgoing but sometimes at dinner alone there isn't much to say. I think I am at a point to where if he seems to be moody I dont even bother initiating conversation bc he gets fresh and then I'll bark back.

    I bridge the gap by asking him about how his car restoration is going, talking about my day at work, family, or future plans. He doesn't car about the books I read and I understand that so I don't bother bringing it up.

    We hit this rut often and yeah it bothers me a lot. I just try to fight through it.

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  • If you both had an interest in it, I would give dance lessons another shot (just call the studio ahead of time haha). Also, our dinners are never quiet because we both like to observe alot. So we talk about what's going on around us. That varies from making fun of people (terrible yes, but we mean no harm and most of what we say about people we makeup and it gets us laughing together) to talking about how a restaurant is an efficient business scheme to seeing an older couple and throwing out guesses of what we'll be like at that age.  Even if you have the same interests, how emphatic you are about them varies and unless you are most obsessed it isn't all you want to talk about.  Talking about real world things (I like the PPs of current events too) and how the two of you fit in it makes for talk that can be fun or serious and always makes you feel closer.
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