Relationships

Am I asking to much?

My husband and I have been married for 6 months. He recently admitted to me that he still loves a girl from high school he never actually dated. It's a very long story. But many problems have emerged from this situation. He's gone to see her alone in her apartment. Hes lied to me saying he was going to work when he went to see her. He told me that he hoped that his love for me would be so great that it wouldn't matter that he wasn't with her. He's told her that he misses her and the puppy love they shared. Everytime we fight he calls her "to vent". So now that some of the background has been presented, am I overreacting by asking him to completely cut off any form of contact with her? Everytime I bring it up he has a different excuse as to why he feels that I'm being crazy or insecure for no reason. I don't want my marriage to be over because I'm actually asking too much and handling this wrong. Any advice would be appreciated. I want to know both sides. Should I stand firm with my request or should I drop it?

Re: Am I asking to much?

  • I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to cut off contact with this woman.  That said, it seems like he isn't willing to do that.  Which, unfortunately probably means your marriage is not going to end well.  He's lying to you about where he is, freely admits he goes to see a woman he has feelings for and vents about his marriage to her.  He's already having an emotional affair at the VERY least.  For me, that combined with his unwillingness to cut her out of his life and focus on fixing your marriage would have me asking for an annulment based on fraud.  He married you claiming to be in love with you when he is in love with someone else.  It's only been 6 months.  If he's not willing to cut her off and go into couples counseling, I'd cut my losses and leave.  Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't love you enough to give up his high school fantasies.
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  • You're not being unreasonable at all. Unfortnately, I doubt you're going to get what you asked for. If after only 6 months of marriage your husband is confessing that he loves someone else, you're not headed toward a happily ever after. If you really want to give it your best shot, (and if he wants to stay married to you) he must cease and desist all contact with said woman. It wouldn't be a bad thing if you also contacted her and explained the situation to her and also requested she not accept any contact should he try to initiate it. (If you think she'd respect that request)

    In the meantime, I honestly would look either into marriage counseling or personal counseling and annulment procedures. I'm very sorry.

    PS - for the record, men who lie about their whereabouts, seek out alone time with other women and over-react in attempts to make you question your resolve aren't faithful husbands. He will cheat with this woman as soon as he thinks she'll be receptive to it.

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  • If I were you, I would seriously reconsider this relationship/marriage. Why are you settling for a man who runs to another women all time and tells her your personal information? I'm sorry, but if he is in love with her than you need to reconsider this man.
  • Serious question: why do you want to be with a man who loves another woman? It doesn't sound like he is going to get over this, seeing as how he is always calling her and seeing her in secret. Those same actions also show how little he respects you and your marriage. I don't think you are reacting enough-I would divorce him. Or, as a previous poster stated, see about getting an annullment.
  • I'm w/ doglove and golden. I'm not sure why you want to be w/ a man who admits he's in love w/ someone else. 
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  • Uhhhmmmm what ?  You can't possibly be asking if it is ok for you to ask that your husband stop seeing a woman he has admitted to being in love with ?  I just .... how is that even a question.  Most importantly, why are you standing around waiting for him to choose you over her ?  He made vows to you right ?  Vows to love and respect you, vows to forsake all others and to let no one come between you two right ?   Or did you have different vows than me ? 

    I'm sorry, I am just so flabbergasted here.  Why are you even tolerating this nonsense ?  The man you married isn't husband and father material.  Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life wondering when and if he is going to cheat on you.  Every time you get in a fight, do you want to guess what he is saying about you to his mistress ?  Is that really the kind of life you want for yourself ?  Please for your sake, get into counseling and try to figure out why you have such low self worth that you didn't immediately tell him to leave when he said he loved someone else.

  • You're underreacting.  He married you under false pretenses.  Is this really the way you want your love story to go?

    I'd look into an annulment if I were you.

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  • Totally not unreasonable and if he continues to try and blame you for being a shitty husband you need to leave. I honestly would bring him to therapy and if he continued to say he loved someone else I would divorce him. It sounds like you are young and you two did not sort through all of this before marrying, and you deserve someone who loves you first and respects you. That is usually how marriages work.
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  • Everyone else took the words out of my mouth. You should absolutely reconsider this marriage, especially if you want to be happy. He had no business getting married if he has feelings for someone else and is open with it. Im sorry you're going through this, but please be smart about this and take all of our advice. Speaking from personal experience, I was in a relationship where the man cheated with his ex gf he still loved, got her pregnant, and me stupidly thinking he actually loved me, stubbornly stayed. Long story short I ended up in therapy, the hospital, and an institute. It literally drove me crazy until i got smart and left his ass. Then, what do you know, i was so much more happy. Again, please stand your ground and be smart about this.
  • Thanks to everyone her reassured me that what I was doin was right. I knew deep down I was but he made me second guess myself. I did ask him to leave after he completely refused to cut off contact. He said I was bein irrational and it's my fault my family was being destroyed because of my inability to just let it go. It just really hurt to say goodbye. We have a 14 month old daughter and back in August we suffered a miscarriage. We've been through a lot but I'll be ok. Now I just need to look forward and raise my daughter to be strong and independent.
  • To be fair to him...I think a lot of men and women still have feelings for thier "first love" and may 'never get over it', the difference is that most people, out of respect for who they do decide to marry/date in the future, move on anyways, feelings or not and CHOOSE not to act on thier feelings for other people. I don't think this marraige has to be over, but I do think he needs to stop seeing this girl.

    I suggest he get into counselling to figure out his feelings without running to her every time he doesnt feel he can talk to you about it. He needs to consider her excistance dead (harsh but the only way it sounds like he will be able to leave her in the past) and not have seeing/talking to her be an option at all.

    Also get into marraige counselling together asap if you want to save this relationship. If he says no..then you know where he stands and that he doesn't care that he is distroying this relationship.

  • Toothpaste, I think that those "lot of people" who are still in love with their first loves need some damn therapy, and shouldn't be inflicting themselves on others in the meantime.
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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Toothpaste, I think that those "lot of people" who are still in love with their first loves need some damn therapy, and shouldn't be inflicting themselves on others in the meantime.

     

    Yep. This. Those "lot of people" that still love their "first loves" need to figure out what they are really feeling. I still have a fondness for a "first love" but I wouldn't say that I still love him. I was friends with his wife for a while until he said that he was a little uncomfortable because he still had feelings for me. Instead of determining what those feelings were, or meant, I backed off. He had mentioned it to her before they both told me and I am the one that volunteered to leave the situation. She was a fantastic friend and I'm sorry that we've been reduced to mere acquaintances but I didn't want to be "that girl".

    When you truly love another person, you don't love someone else in the same way. There's a lust, nostalgia,  fondness, etc. But not love.

    He should also, under no circumstances, be involving her by venting to her after every fight. He is sabotaging his marriage because there is either something with this other woman that he thinks is blossoming (or already has) or he is generally unhappy. I am so sorry this is happening to you (but to see it from both sides) I don't think there is much to salvage here. If he won't stop, he'll lie about it. Attempt counseling if you must, but I don't think you'll find the answers (or results) you want.

     

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  • Again - can you please clarify why you are settling for a man like this? Are you aware that there are men who ARE NOT like this out there?
  • image smc81311:
    Thanks to everyone her reassured me that what I was doin was right. I knew deep down I was but he made me second guess myself. I did ask him to leave after he completely refused to cut off contact. He said I was bein irrational and it's my fault my family was being destroyed because of my inability to just let it go. It just really hurt to say goodbye. We have a 14 month old daughter and back in August we suffered a miscarriage. We've been through a lot but I'll be ok. Now I just need to look forward and raise my daughter to be strong and independent.

    Your husband sounds emotionally abusive.  I mean, sure you can try counseling, but I doubt it would help.  Kudos to you for choosing a better life for yourself and your child. 

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Toothpaste, I think that those "lot of people" who are still in love with their first loves need some damn therapy, and shouldn't be inflicting themselves on others in the meantime.

    I would like to embroider this on a pillow.

    OP, of course it's not asking too much to expect your husband to be fully committed to you and engaged in your relationship.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Just out of curiosity, how long ago was high school for him?

  • are you kidding me!!!! Stay strong and give him an ultimatum. if he cares about his marriage he wouldnt be seeing another girl he 'loves' whatever the situation is. you are not being insecure but very reasonable, please dont let him walk all over you! this is a nono!!!
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Toothpaste, I think that those "lot of people" who are still in love with their first loves need some damn therapy, and shouldn't be inflicting themselves on others in the meantime.

    If you read the whole post thats exactally what I said....

  • well big ups to you! i know how hard it is to leave a relationship when a child is involved but dont let him make u feel bad! hes trying to blame you for his mistakes (men do this all the time) and you shoudl stay firm and let him know that is was him who broke up your family 
  • image Tatty022:
    well big ups to you! i know how hard it is to leave a relationship when a child is involved but dont let him make u feel bad! hes trying to blame you for his mistakes (men do this all the time) and you shoudl stay firm and let him know that is was him who broke up your family 

    There are many men in the world who don't do this, because they are decent human beings.  Which is the whole point that everyone in this post is trying to get across.

  • image renegade gaucho:

    image Tatty022:
    well big ups to you! i know how hard it is to leave a relationship when a child is involved but dont let him make u feel bad! hes trying to blame you for his mistakes (men do this all the time) and you shoudl stay firm and let him know that is was him who broke up your family 

    There are many men in the world who don't do this, because they are decent human beings.  Which is the whole point that everyone in this post is trying to get across.

    Yes

  • image toothpastechica:

    image ReturnOfKuus:
    Toothpaste, I think that those "lot of people" who are still in love with their first loves need some damn therapy, and shouldn't be inflicting themselves on others in the meantime.

    If you read the whole post thats exactally what I said....

     

    I did read it, and that was pretty much the opposite of what you said.

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  • Um...Did you know he was still in love with this "other woman" BEFORE you married him? If you knew I don't feel bad for you.

    Im sorry but if my DH told me all of this, calls this woman and lies to me about being with her ALONE---> he would not be my DH anymore. Obviously, he feels strongly about her and I'd be quite surprised if he "cut her off" as you are requesting. 

  • You are doing the right thing, stay strong!
  • Unreal! You should tell your Husband to STOP seeing this Woman ASAP! How would he feel if it were YOU doing what he is doing? He sounds like a child that cannot get his own way. He made  commitment to YOU not HER... sounds like he is not taking your marriage very serious at all..... tell him shape up or ship out...
  • He shouldnt be confiding in her at all!  Your not be unreasonable at all!  I would seek couseling immediately for yourself.  Request that he join you in couples couseling!  BTW> most states do not have annulments!  it is divorce court babe!  I would talk to an attorney...start getting proof of his infidelity!
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