My boyfriend and I are living together and in making that decision, we blended our families. He has 3 children (2 boys that are 16 and a girl that is 11), and I have 5 children (2 boys ages 13 and 11, and 3 girls ages 11, 6, and 3). We talked about this and we knew what to expect and we had a relatively uneventful blending of households. We were pleasantly surprised and extremely thankful.
That being said, his daughter is getting more and more disrespectful towards me, especially when my boyfriend is not around. I'm not sure what happened, and she swears I've done nothing wrong, yet she admits to treating me like garbage.
She started out disrespecting every meal I made-saying it was disgusting, not eating it, carrying on, etc. Then, she started in on the cleanliness of our house. She told me that the house is never clean when she comes over and that it's disgusting. I'll admit that the house was a little cluttered and disorganized during the move in, but my house has NEVER been filthy. (I am the ONLY one who has cleaned this house on my hands and knees since my boyfriend and his ex-wife originally bought the house. My bf's mother told me that his ex never cleaned the house and SHE had to come clean it because it smelled so bad and there was so much crap on the ground that his dad, who is blind, couldn't make his way safely around their house.) She tells me no or flat out ignores me when I ask her to do something.
She runs home and tells her mom that I am a b**** (yes, she is allowed to use that language at home), and that I make her clean the house all weekend when she's here. His son has defended me to their mom, and HE gets into trouble for telling them that she's lying.
In the beginning, we had, what I thought, was a good relationship. I later found out that everything she had told me was a complete lie, and this came from multiple conversations I had with my bf. It has gotten so bad I had to tell him she is no longer allowed to go with me alone anywhere because I feel I need a witness so she can't spread even more lies about me.
He has disciplined her in the past for her behavior and forced her to apologize, but that has had no effect on her behavior toward me. She keeps getting worse and the last conversation we had about this, I told him I was at my breaking point. He got defensive because he only sees them 4 days a month and he wants them to enjoy being here. I completely understand where he's coming from and I want that, too, but not at the expense of allowing her to treat me like crap.
The last weekend they were here, she didn't listen to a word I said, and it took his sister (when everyone came over for a cookout) to get her to do anything she was told. I just bit my tongue and tried to avoid being around her as much as possible, and trust me, I know that sounds terrible, but I've tried everything I can think of to build a good relationship with her.
When my bf has talked to her alone, she said she wasn't doing it and I was lying until he called her out on behavior that was witnessed by others and she was forced to admit she was doing wrong. She started crying when she knew she couldn't deny it and manipulated him into feeling sorry for her. She pulled the same crap when we talked to her together, and she got NO punishment for treating me terribly.
I love my bf and, aside from the issues we have with her, we have a solid relationship where we can talk about anything and everything. The only time we've ever "fought" is over the way she treats me because he wants to immediately jump to her defense and I won't back down from being treated this way, and yet, he gets mad because he doesn't want me to be treated badly either.
I truly feel he feels like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. When he takes a stand with her, she refuses to come for the weekend, which I feel he should make her come anyway. She doesn't have the choice according to the courts, but he allows her to. Now, he seems to be caving to her because he knows she'll refuse to come. It's gotten so bad I don't want to be around her at all because the only thing that comes out of her mouth to me are lies, and she treats me terribly.
It's very frustrating because the behavior he allows from her, he does NOT tolerate from any of the other kids, including his sons. His parents are appalled at her behavior and know it's been an issue, even years before he got divorced, because his ex taught her to be this way, and he never stopped it, just went right along with it. She has always been able to get away with everything, that comes straight from my bf's mouth, because she was the youngest and the only girl. "She'd walk over and punch one of the boys and we never did anything about it," my bf told me one time while discussing the situation, "and we never allowed the boys to retaliate because she was younger than them."
Her behavior is even causing a rift between my bf and his sons, and between my bf and my kids. They all feel she is favored and can do no wrong. I've had many, many talks with his one son over this because he feels the same way at his mom's house. He is the one who has to do her chores and clean her room, because their mom won't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
I've tried doing things with her, making special time for the two of us, making an extra effort to include her in things I'm doing with my kids, etc., and nothing has helped.
I understand she might be jealous of my relationship with her dad, that she might be jealous of my girls' relationship with her dad, that she may still have a notion that her parents will get back together even though they've been apart for years, that she was taught that this behavior was ok and sees her mother do this to other people to get what she wants, etc. I just don't feel it is acceptable regardless of the reason for it. I want her to feel welcome in our home, to feel a part of our large family, to feel wanted, etc., but I've had my fill of the way she treats me.
I'm open to constructive suggestions and ideas on how to deal with this situation. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has had to deal with this problem and how they handled it. Thanks for taking the time to read this and make any suggestions you might have.