Relationships

Should I stay or should I go?

I come from a family where traditionally, the woman gets married to move out of her home. Unfortunately, my father is extremely over protective and I have grown to respect him for trying to protect me over the years. However, I am turning 20 next year, and he gives me a 10 pm curfew, even on the weekends; I can't sleepover friends' houses or my boyfriend's house either. He refuses to meet my boyfriend because he is much older than me and he has never thought anyone is good enough for me (which most fathers also feel). I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and he is getting a new place soon, and I feel stumped between whether or not I should move out with him (we have a very good & healthy relationship & have talked seriously on moving in together) or I should wait till marriage to leave. Regardless of the choice, my dad is in a way expecting me to move out by 21 so I can live my life without his regulations & so I can live my life according to how I want to. I have discussed this with my dad, he says "his house his rules" so there's no say in this for me trying to change the rules. Is the healthiest decision to move out when I graduate in a few months? Or should I just put up with my dad?
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Re: Should I stay or should I go?

  • You need to do what's best for YOU. You are an adult now and need to make your own decisions. If you want to move out with your boyfriend, then calmly and diplomatically explain this to your dad. Don't let it turn into an argument. Simply tell him that this is what you would like to do and that you respect his opinion, but it's now time for you to live your own life. Let him know also that because he raised you well, that you know you will be able to make the right decision. It sounds like he will be supportive of the idea as long as you go about the conversation in a mature and logical way. Good luck!

    PS I think that moving in with your boyfriend seems to be a logical decision based on how long you've been together and the fact that you say you have seriously talked about moving out. Don't let anyone tell you that you are too young. My DH and I moved in together right after I turned 19.  I had to make that hard decision of doing what was best for me, despite my mom telling me not to, because I knew what was best for me, and turns out she only told me not to because she was afraid of losing me. She loves my DH, and is really happy we are together, so I know I made the right decision. :)


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  • Thank you so much for such a positive response, it makes me feel a lot more confident in my decision for the future when I move out with my boyfriend. Take care :)
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  • I think you should move out of your father's house into a place of your own, not in with your boyfriend.  I think that having that freedom and independence from *any* man - your father or your boyfriend - will help you get to know yourself as a person.  You don't want to go from being someone's daughter to someone's girlfriend/wife/mother.  You want to get to know who Jessica is - what you like to eat on lazy Saturday mornings, how you like to decorate your bedroom, exactly how you want to keep your house - before you merge your life with another male authority figure.

    There is a huge amount of power that comes from knowing that your four walls, rented or not, belong to you. And that if you want to be alone and have peace and quiet, you can tell everyone to leave.

  • A 10 pm curfew for a 20 year old? That's ourageous. Way too strict.

    By rights he really should meet anybody you are dating.

    It's for safety's sake and wow, it's only polite to want to meet the guy, even if it turns out that that was going to be the only date you had with the guy.

    I do not think you should move in with your BF just because your father is too strict with rules.

    Before you move out of your parents' house, you need to be self supporting and have a life. Yep --- have a giood full time job and make enough to be able to live on your own (even if it is with roommates). 20 is also way too young for a very serious relationship with a guy - you should be dating a lot of guys, going out with your friends, working on your career and living in your own single girl apartment.

  • Not that I know you, but I think ideally you should move out on your own for at least a year. Even if you and your BF are doing constant overnights, it's good for a woman to stretch out a little and experience her own space for at least a little while in her life.

    Other than that, if all you're trying to do is get out from other your father's thumb, then yes, move out at soon as you graduate. No reason to get married right off the bat though!

    Best of luck!

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  • also, general internet safety would discourage you from using your full first and last name as your screen name. You never want that many internet strangers to have that much real information about you. Just a friendly tip from someone who's seen some crazy stuff go down around here!
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  • So what all is your Dad paying for? You said your father expects you to move out at 21. You also said that you are almost done with school. If your Father is paying for school, car and insurance plus the roof over your head, then yes it's his rules. If it is just your Father paying for the roof over head then move out if you want. But if Daddy is footing the bill for everything I think you should stay and deal with it. Being an adult is hard & having to pay for all mentioned above is expensive. 

     His rules suck but so does getting a job...  

  • Ditto PPs.  Move out because your living situation isn't working for you.  But seriously consider living on your own for at least a year before moving in with a boyfriend. 

    While I don't think 20 is too young for a serious relationship, I do think it's a questionable decision to have spent your entire life living with your parents or your boyfriend/husband etc.  There are some things you only learn about yourself by living on your own and I wouldn't want to miss out on that experience. I started dating my husband at 19 and we lived together for 3 years before we got married when I was 23.  But the year before I met him and the first year we dated, I lived on my own and I wouldn't give that experience up.

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  • Hi my name is Bridget and I am going to send you a private message today so check your inbox ok :) I think we have a lot in common.
  • image DaringMiss:

    I think you should move out of your father's house into a place of your own, not in with your boyfriend.  I think that having that freedom and independence from *any* man - your father or your boyfriend - will help you get to know yourself as a person.  You don't want to go from being someone's daughter to someone's girlfriend/wife/mother.  You want to get to know who Jessica is - what you like to eat on lazy Saturday mornings, how you like to decorate your bedroom, exactly how you want to keep your house - before you merge your life with another male authority figure.

    There is a huge amount of power that comes from knowing that your four walls, rented or not, belong to you. And that if you want to be alone and have peace and quiet, you can tell everyone to leave.

     

    Yes  Yes  Yes  Yes  Yes

    I can't agree with this post enough.  You're 20.  It's time to live for you and find out who you are.  Living on your own, gaining that independence, is like no other feeling in the world.

    Forget the "But we'll save money!" and "I'll be at my boyfriend's house all the time anyway!" excuses.  Learning to be independent is a gift that is beyond worth.

  • Hi! Do what feels right for you! Your dad is right, his house, his rules. I lived with my parents up until I got married (I lived on my own twice before), and I still had a curfew too. If you do move out, I don't believe that you should move in with your boyfriend. Move in with a close girl friend or a cousin, sister, etc. You need a time to just be truly independent, and not dependent on a man. You don't want to get into a pattern of using your romantic relationships as an escape from a parent or parents. Also, I don't believe in 'shacking up'. It may work out fine, but you set yourself up for major stress if you both break up, or being afraid to break up with your boyfriend because you are living with him, and you don't want to upset your housing situation. 

    You could also just put up with your dad. A 10 pm curfew might be a bit early, but it's not terrible. At a certain time, he might want to be able to go to sleep in peace, and not have to be concerned with when you're getting home or he might not want to be awaken by you coming into the house at 12:30 am. Also, your dad might have good reason for not wanting you to date your much older boyfriend. Take some time out to try to see things from your dad's viewpoint. That is how you truly know that you're becoming a mature adult. The plus of staying with your dad is that you don't have to concern yourself with bills, rent, etc. You would be able to save up your money. It's a BIG responsibility to live on your own.

    So yeah, it's really up to you on what decision to make. Just pray about it, and really take time out to see what the pros and cons are of each decision. Hope everything works out!

    -KA 

  • I agree with daringmiss.  Try living on your own for awhile and taking the time to learn about yourself before jumping to living together.  It is a big transition!  Living on my own was one of the best things I've ever done and was positive for our relationship when we made the transition to living together.
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  • Thanks everyone for your awesome responses and words of wisdom, I will definitely be making a decision that I know I will be benefiting from. To bridget011, I look forward to hearing from you! :)
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  • I too agree with DaringMiss.  And I'm a little alarmed that your dad is this overbearing, and you've chosen a man who is much older to date and move in with.
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  • image DaringMiss:

    I think you should move out of your father's house into a place of your own, not in with your boyfriend.  I think that having that freedom and independence from *any* man - your father or your boyfriend - will help you get to know yourself as a person.  You don't want to go from being someone's daughter to someone's girlfriend/wife/mother.  You want to get to know who Jessica is - what you like to eat on lazy Saturday mornings, how you like to decorate your bedroom, exactly how you want to keep your house - before you merge your life with another male authority figure.

    There is a huge amount of power that comes from knowing that your four walls, rented or not, belong to you. And that if you want to be alone and have peace and quiet, you can tell everyone to leave.

    This x 100.

    The best advice.

  • image DaringMiss:

    I think you should move out of your father's house into a place of your own, not in with your boyfriend.  I think that having that freedom and independence from *any* man - your father or your boyfriend - will help you get to know yourself as a person.  You don't want to go from being someone's daughter to someone's girlfriend/wife/mother.  You want to get to know who Jessica is - what you like to eat on lazy Saturday mornings, how you like to decorate your bedroom, exactly how you want to keep your house - before you merge your life with another male authority figure.

    There is a huge amount of power that comes from knowing that your four walls, rented or not, belong to you. And that if you want to be alone and have peace and quiet, you can tell everyone to leave.

     Because it can't be said enough.

    Do yourself the biggest favor ever, and live on your own for awhile.  Get your own one bedroom apartment, and get to know who you are outside of being daughter/girlfriend. 

    I promise that someday you will regret it if you don't. 

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  • I feel like a hypocrite for telling you to wait, because I moved in with my now husband when I was 20 (about 2 years after we started dating).  We lived in an in-law suite/apartment in my parents house.  It was good because it gave us an opportunity to save for our house.

    The reason I suggest waiting is that, even though it ultimately worked out for us, is when went through a rough patch.  I resented him, I was angry at myself for not "doing my own thing" (read being far too dependent on him for my own happiness).  I was at a place where I was extremely insecure, I couldn't stand the thought of him not being with me.  It was a struggle and it was hard to get through.  It nearly broke us up.  I'm sure a lot of it was immaturity but the circumstances certainly didn't help.

    Granted it worked out for us in the long run.  I've grown up for starters.  But I also had to work on myself, I had to make a conscious effort to gain some independence, grow more secure in myself and my relationship.  But if I could do it over again, I'd do things differently.  If I were you, I'd move out on my own or with some girlfriends, wait at least another year and reassess.  If you feel ready, then go on and move in with your boyfriend.

    That's my two cents.  Either way, best of luck to you!

  • Oh and I would also like to add, I don't think it's a good idea to move in with a significant other strictly because you don't like your home-life and your Dad's rules.  I think you make that choice when you really feel ready for it and when a serious commitment (specifically marriage) is imminent.
  • Thank you JemmaWRX for sharing your personal experience with me and how it worked out for you, I appreciate it! take care!
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  • Ditto everyone else's pps. I went straight from my parents home to my husbands home. He's one of only two guys I've ever dated. I never lived on my own or even with roommates. I had the same strict dad. I was 25, mind you, and I had a midnight curfew, there were friend's houses I wasn't "allowed" to go to (the my house, my rules ends when you're off the property, imo), I had daily tasks to complete each day, etc. etc etc.

    Now? I haaaaaaate my life. All I can think of is how I royaly screwed myself by not living on my own. I got married to get away from my parents and that is a bad, bad reason to be getting married. I hate being married, I hate being tied to a slob, I hate how I have to seemingly answer to everyone still. I wasn't ready to just settle. After moving out and into our place, I finally get to taste the joys of freedom....unfortunately all this occurred after being married.

    Some stories show that you can be successful. Then you have mine. At this point it's 50/50...but do you really want to be 21-22 and find out that you got the wrong half? Want to feel trapped and therefore lost all passion of living life? You have pleeenty of time to get serious in the future. Live life presently. Don't make my mistake lol.
  • I agree with this. You could do either really, but speaking as a person that lived with a boyfriend for years after moving out of my parents house, to being single and living alone for 2 years, I can absolutely say I would dearly miss that time alone. You learn so much about yourself in that time. You develop different hobbies and interests. Above all else, you become a healthy individual being able to grow from those experiences.

    You'll always have the option to live with someone later on in life. You don't want to miss the opportunity to live alone (or with friends even).

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  • When I was 18 I moved out and loved my independence so much. Im almost 21 and newly married, and im so glad I got to experience the freedom even if it was for only a few years. Just speaking from personal experience. I suppose everyone is different so do what you feel is best for you. Good luck!

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