Trouble in Paradise
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Please Help? Sorry it's a tad long..

Hello... First time posting here. FI and I aren't married yet, but we live together in a house we just bought (I made sure everything was in my name, he can't have anything in his name anyways.) We've been having some issues and I'm not sure what to do. 

It feels that there's so much to write. It started in the beginning of May when we were house sitting.  We had one of our friends over who's a swinger, (we're not, I get rather jealous, and let me tell you, so does he.) and we were all having some beers, playing ping pong & just having some fun... It was around 3 in the morning so I laid down on the couch & fell asleep, and get woken up to FI going down there with our friend watching with his phone out, opening up my hoodie, playing around, etc.  if you get my drift.  FI doesn't stop after saying stop and trying to keep my legs shut.  I'd probably be over this completely if I didn't feel like I was being raped. Again.  He knows everything about it, so he knew how I would feel.  I think our friend got the message, and left us alone. I asked FI about why he did it, & he said to not feel ashamed, that he feels he can show me off.  I told him how it made me feel, and he ends up saying, "I'll just go kill myself now" as if that's going to make me feel better....

Then there's this issue with the computer... He comes home from work, sits on the couch, & goes on his computer for a Facebook game until he has to go to the bathroom or go to bed.  Okay, I get he comes home to relax from work, but jeez, we just got the house & there's still boxes not unpacked, the lawn isn't mowed, & he literally can't spare 2 minutes to hold our puppy while I clean up his crate because of his precious facebook game.  I told him how I feel, & I get blown off, or get told that I shouldn't feel like that, he just needs to relax. Until 3am, then complain the next day when he has to get up at 8.  *Forgot to add, he takes the comp in the bathroom with him.* Seems I just can't win.  To add to everything, he keeps drinking on his nights off.  He says he took a test to see if he's an alcoholic, and apparently it only came up as "high risk". The bad thing is, he actually communicates when he's drunk/almost there.  He acts better when he drinks. :(  

Then earlier today, we decided to go somewhere for lunch, and I knew directions, and he kind of knew them, but not completely.  We were listening to the radio and looking at what's in the towns surrounding our new house that we missed the street by about 15 seconds.  This was my fault, I wasted his gas, I should've been paying attention, and ruined his attitude until he got a beer in his hand. 

I feel like I can't do what I did before we started living together, (He's allergic to just about everything, & I'm an outside, horse kind of person. He hates bugs, being away from technology, etc.) So today I made sure I made plans for myself to start hiking, riding, etc.  but there's a person (male) now who does just about everything I do, & we're starting to become friends.  I feel terrible for this, but I know I wouldn't have as much fun with FI as I would with him. This guy's outside, good country guy who loves being outside & having fun, not worrying about where the closest cell reception for the internet is.  

Aside from all this, on his good days, he always seems to make things better, and it always works.  I know I need to put my foot down somewhere, but not quite sure how.  I'm sorry this is so long! Thank you so much..!

Re: Please Help? Sorry it's a tad long..

  • He's an alcoholic that raped you.  LEAVE.  HIM.  NOW.

    I can't imagine the stuff that you've been through to make you think that any of this is acceptable.  It's not.  It is beyond sad that you think you should be over him forcing himself on you.  That is not how real men behave. 

    I'm sorry you are going through this, please don't marry him.

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • And you are marrying this guy why??? From what you have told us, he doesn't respect you, he drinks much more than you are comfortable with, and doesn't have much in common with you. The fact that he disrespects you and your body should be enough to leave. The fact that he knows he is highly likely to become an alcoholic yet continues drink like a fish should be enough to leave. The fact that he doesn't care to be involved in your hobbies at all should be enough to leave. And then combine all three?! GET OUT OF THERE!!!! Why are you wasting your time??? And what exactly is the whole "he can't have anything in his name"? Does he have a criminal record? This guy sounds all around terrible. Get out, move on, and who knows, maybe this new "friend" of yours will be just the guy you want!
  • Holy Crap.

    There is no saving this relationship.  If you marry him you will be miserable and waste years of your life trying to "fix" him.

    I agree with PP LEAVE. HIM. NOW!!!!

    We were married 7/2/11
    We got our fur baby Cooper in May 2012.
    We are KU and due in July!

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  • Please leave your Fiance. For goodness sakes he was raping you! Plus he was allowing your "friend" to be a voyeur and document it. On top of that he seems to be addicted to technology and alcohol. What sane person brings the laptop into the bathroom for a facebook game? No sane person would. You also seem to have nothing in common other then feelings for each other and being naturally jealous people. 

    Leave this creep and be happy in your new home. Do not look back except as a learning experience to never ever be with someone like this again.

  • He's an alcoholic that raped you.  LEAVE.  HIM.  NOW.

    I can't imagine the stuff that you've been through to make you think that any of this is acceptable.  It's not.  It is beyond sad that you think you should be over him forcing himself on you.  That is not how real men behave. 

    I'm sorry you are going through this, please don't marry him..




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  • srgwsrgw
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    OMG. Your FI was raping you while a friend watched/recorded! He knows you've been raped before, yet saw nothing wrong with it. And you're still with him?! Who cares about the rest of his douchey behavior; that alone would tip me over the edge.

    Get thee to counseling asap! And kick the douche FI out yesterday.

  • Please get some individual counseling for yourself.
  • If he tells you, that he wants to show you off.  That's a huge sign to just leave.  He doesn't view you as an equal.  He sees you as an object.  He has no clue what marriage is about.  


    15 seconds past a turn is no reason to get upset.  You're catering to a child who needs a reality check.  You also need a reality check and check out of this relationship.   

    image Belichick:

    He's an alcoholic that raped you.  LEAVE.  HIM.  NOW.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, please don't marry him.

    This, this, this! And his friend  recorded it. This makes me sick.

  • TBH, I stopped reading after you wrote that he was giving you oral sex against your will while his friend recorded it.

    Even if he had never done anything else to you ever in his life, that's something you should leave him for, and you shouldn't have a question about that. Speaking as someone who is a survivor of violence myself- if my DH did that to me, I'd be gone so fast he'd never know I was there. He'd never see our son again. And I can promise you I'd be calling the cops on his ass. You have video evidence of your FI raping you. Take it and go to the cops. At the very least, get the hell out of there.

    You deserve better. Let me say that again in case you didn't hear me the first time. YOU DESERVE BETTER.  And if you were my sister or my friend, I'd be over there with a U-Haul helping you pack myself.

    Do you want your hypothetical future children with this man thinking that this kind of behavior is acceptable? 

    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I am having a very hard time in seeing what you see in this guy. He sounds like a terrible person. Do yourself a favor and get out of this.
    Visit The Nest!

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  • Leave him. Like PP said, he raped you, seems to have no respect for you, and no plans to grow up anytime soon. You sound absolutely miserable, get out now! 
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  •, this is a no brainer...GET.OUT.NOW!  Throw him to the curb!  I agree with pp, the fact that he raped you while someone else watched and recorded it alone is reason to leave him!  DO NO MARRY HIM!!!!!!!  Thank god you were smart enough to put the house in your name only.  You deserve better!!! 

  • Leave Leave Leave Leave Leave!! There is no changing him!
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