How Badly Do You Want An Awesome Relationship?
How badly do you want to have an awesome relationship with your partner? How
committed are you to making the relationship work? Is failure an
option? Do you have one foot out the door? I hear partners complain
about how they want things to be different, but they don’t take any
risks to change things. It makes sense that striving to create the
relationship we want is scary, as this would entail Being in the
relationship in very specific ways:
Being fully present and available.
Making our partner a priority.
Stretching to meet our partner’s needs.
Being patient, understanding, and compassionate.
Embracing our partner and their world.
Being vulnerable and showing up.
Bringing this way of being with our partner into our relationship takes a huge emotional risk and investment.
For what if we are not accepted, wanted, embraced? What if what we give
is not good enough? What if we are judged and rejected? What if we are
left? What if in giving we lose ourselves? This is scary. So instead we
hide, protect ourselves, and beat on our partner in an effort to make
them the partner we want. We make a full commitment to making our
partner our ideal partner… We become obsessed with changing them, even
if just in the running script in our minds…
The problem is that the obsession holds us back. I’m sure you know by now that you can’t change your partner.
When the focus is misplaced this way we force our partner to operate in
self-preservation mode, which is usually not pretty… We actually invite
the worst of our partner. We end up shooting ourselves in the foot. We
choose this over the risk of operating from the more vulnerable,
generous, and altruistic place. An unfortunate choice, as that is
actually the gateway to our awesome relationship… Take note for how you
invite the worst of your partner, for how you co-create the status quo
of your relationship.
Now, don’t misunderstand this. I’m not implying you become a doormat or a punching bag.
I’m simply suggesting you put aside the power struggle. You don’t have
to have your way just to make a point. You don’t have to punish your
partner. You don’t have to parent your partner or teach them a lesson.
You don’t have to win or get your way. You don’t have to be right.
Relationships are not about all that. If this is your focus and want to
stick with it, I promise you will not be happy nor create the
relationship you want. Stop all this silly nonsense. Your digging in
your heals in reaction to their reaction is making things worse. Know
that you create a non-ending reciprocal pattern when you do this. It’s
time to start somewhere and change this. It’s OK to give in, risk, and
Embrace the concept that operating from an altruistic place does not
mean or lead to your being cancelled, muted, non-existent, nullified,
eliminated… Creating space for your partner to exist and thrive does not
take away from who you are, or make you an idiot. It’s OK to be humble, to go with the flow, to Zen-wise detach.
Detach with love and investment. Make positive contributions
in your interactions, repair, healing, enrichment, and growth of your
relationship: Set appropriate boundaries (watch your delivery).
Make responsible requests. Moderate your feelings. Make timely amends.
Mindfully share your thoughts. Give generously. Do a lot of Self care.
When you take risks and invest you are empowering your Self and allowing
your partner to exist. When your partner’s existence is not threatened,
they can bring their best Self to the relationship. And, isn’t that
what you wanted in the first place?
Become the ideal partner. Support your partner’s
existence. Create safety for your partner to receive you. Invite your
partner to be your ideal partner. Take matters into your own hands. Woo
your partner in their love language. Go all out. No more hesitation,
ambivalence, or holding back. Make a huge investment for a huge return.
Go for your awesome relationship today!