Starting Over

Need support...very fragile...

I've basically ended my marriage tonight.  Crying

Over the past few years (and few posts), it's been clear that my husband and I have been drifting apart.  I've felt less interested in doing things with him, we've been living like roommates, the emotions are lacking, and the sex has just been nearly unbearable for me.  We also came to the conclusion that we disagree on having children or not.  At one point, I started an affair.

Over the recent past, I've been in touch with the person I had the affair with.  It was killing me.  I wanted to talk to this person so much, but I was hoping to hang on to a thread of a marriage.  It was horrible to hold on to both of these things.  Hoping somehow it would be okay.  I know I was kidding myself.  It was eating me up alive.

We got into a long talk tonight, and I finally was up front and honest.  I told him I had been contacting the other guy.

There was lots of yelling.  Lots of crying.  Deep down, the biggest thing that hurts is that it is apparent we love each other.  It may not be working in so many ways, but we really are both concerned about the wellbeing of each other. 

I could not continue to hurt him.  The chips had to fall where they may.  I'm terrified of being seperated, but also terrified of living the way I've been living.  Lie after lie.  Hurting him and having that destroy me.

When I told him, my first reaction was just amazing relief to be open about it.  To just let whatever happens happens.  Now I'm going through some sadness.  Scared for me.  Worried about him.

Like I said, it was clear it wasn't working.  But it going to be so hard to let go.  Like I said, we both care deeply for each other as people, and want to be as amicable as possible.

For now, we are going to go on with life and pretend that things are okay.  I have a 30th birthday planned for a few weeks.  We won't rock the boat until then.

I will be sleeping in the guest room.  We've already talked about how to split the assets and the pets.  We will get to lawyers and brass tacks in early May.

I hope this is the right decision.  It is weird I was relieved.  Not surprised I'm sad, even though I wasn't happy either. 

I want to move on and be happy.  I want him to move on and have the family he wants. 

I hope we can somewhere along the line piece together a friendship. 

Will take all hugs, support, and more hugs.  Scared to death.  Destroyed to hurt him.

This sucks. 

Re: Need support...very fragile...

  • P.S. - We ended the night with a kiss on the cheek.  We both said I love you.  I'm downstairs a crying wreck.  He's upstairs trying to get some sleep.
  • Based on your post, it sounds like you did the right thing. Remember that you felt relieved. That is what will get you through this. You will, of course, feel sad, but the fact that you felt relieved says a lot. Good luck, and *hugs*!
  • Good luck and hug too,
  • Hang in there.  I hope things get better soon.

    So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

  • I completely understand all of the conflicting emotions (worried and concerned about your husband/still loving each other but knowing what you need to do).

    Good luck and lots of internet hugs to you.

  • You have taken a very scary first step toward an open and exciting future that is full of possibilities. It was very brave of you to do so, and even though it feels awful now, it will not always feel this way. I really recommend finding a therapist to talk to, as even though you are the one initiating the ending of your marriage, you will have a ton of feelings and emotions to work through, and a good therapist can help. And hang out here as much as you need to...I have been working through ending my marriage, and having people to listen who have been through it before is so, so helpful. My thoughts will be with you.

    "No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from." -Jewel

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