I've basically ended my marriage tonight.
Over the past few years (and few posts), it's been clear that my husband and I have been drifting apart. I've felt less interested in doing things with him, we've been living like roommates, the emotions are lacking, and the sex has just been nearly unbearable for me. We also came to the conclusion that we disagree on having children or not. At one point, I started an affair.
Over the recent past, I've been in touch with the person I had the affair with. It was killing me. I wanted to talk to this person so much, but I was hoping to hang on to a thread of a marriage. It was horrible to hold on to both of these things. Hoping somehow it would be okay. I know I was kidding myself. It was eating me up alive.
We got into a long talk tonight, and I finally was up front and honest. I told him I had been contacting the other guy.
There was lots of yelling. Lots of crying. Deep down, the biggest thing that hurts is that it is apparent we love each other. It may not be working in so many ways, but we really are both concerned about the wellbeing of each other.
I could not continue to hurt him. The chips had to fall where they may. I'm terrified of being seperated, but also terrified of living the way I've been living. Lie after lie. Hurting him and having that destroy me.
When I told him, my first reaction was just amazing relief to be open about it. To just let whatever happens happens. Now I'm going through some sadness. Scared for me. Worried about him.
Like I said, it was clear it wasn't working. But it going to be so hard to let go. Like I said, we both care deeply for each other as people, and want to be as amicable as possible.
For now, we are going to go on with life and pretend that things are okay. I have a 30th birthday planned for a few weeks. We won't rock the boat until then.
I will be sleeping in the guest room. We've already talked about how to split the assets and the pets. We will get to lawyers and brass tacks in early May.
I hope this is the right decision. It is weird I was relieved. Not surprised I'm sad, even though I wasn't happy either.
I want to move on and be happy. I want him to move on and have the family he wants.
I hope we can somewhere along the line piece together a friendship.
Will take all hugs, support, and more hugs. Scared to death. Destroyed to hurt him.