Sex & Romance

Husband just not interested

Ive been married for over 5 years and for all of those years our sex life has been an issue.  Even before we were married that was the case and I was hoping that it would get better but of course it didn't.

Well now Im at my wits end.  Ive talked and talked to my husband about this and how I desire to have sex more than 1/month sometimes we go longer and he just seems to be content with the way it is.  He says he's not content but if I don't bring it up we could easily go 2-3 months without having sex.   Ive never meet a guy that doesn't desire to have sex.  Im even to the point now that I am thinking about other people and exes that I have had in the past.    I don't want to step outside of my marriage but I just don't know what to do.  One of my exes would be happy to oblige me and quite honestly Im considering it.  I am in need of some deep passionate sex so badly I don't know what to do.  I feel like I am always horny and never get to release it.   I love him and I don't want to hurt him but I have needs that are just not being met.  Even when we do have sex its always the same thing the same way and in the same order which is very boring and most times not pleasing to me.

 I don't know what to do.  Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Re: Husband just not interested

  • Reading this I felt like I was reading my life.  I have been married for about 14 months now and have probably only had sex with my husband about three times.  It is like pulling teeth with him - between our opposite schedules and him constantly exhausted from work, it's not fun.  I'm also at my wits end - it's incredibly difficult, but it finally came to a head when I broke down hysterical at my doctor's office - I'm now on medication and we are going to start marriage counseling to see if we can get through our sexual problems.  My suggestion is to ask him to go to marriage counseling - if he doesn't want to go, maybe you should go by yourself.  Also, I'd try to stay away from the extra curricular activities.....you don't want to do something you're might really regret later.

     Please let me know if you would like to talk more - it's not an easy or fun topic to divulge, I know. 

  • This has always been a problem and when you found out he wasn't on the same page as you with sex you should have said goodbye. I believe you said it happened before you were married.

    He's probably got a much lower sex drive than you have. Yep, guys like that do exist.

    First of all, communicate.

    YOu need to sit down with him and tell him you want to have more sex. Once a week or twice a week would be fine -- he needs to work with you and meet you halfway regarding your desires.

    If he won't, or refuses, or gives you lip service and then nothing in the way of a stepped up sex life, I suggest he give you the option of an open relationship (that is, if that appeals to you) or if he doesn't okay an open relationship you can decide where to go from there.

    In the meanwhile, masturbate.

    As I said, you should have called it a day when you found out he wasn't into sex as much as you were. He'd be perfect for some other lady who isn't into sex as much as you are; for every pot there is a lid.

  • Why are you even talking to an ex, especially about sexual things? Stop talking to him and communicate with your husband instead.
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  • As you can see, a ring and an I Do didn't fix him.

    And the pp is right: cut off the ex and can the sexual talk. I don't see any evidence that you've spoken to your H at all abou the sexual discord in your marriage.

  • Definitely stop talking to any other man that you find yourself fantasizing about! Past or present! It's just dangerous & will lead to more problems for you at home.

    That said, I don't have any advice for you about the situation you're in with your husband, other than to try and initiate, talk with him as much as possible. Don't lose that connection of intimacy even if you have to be the one to keep it alive. The problem you have is serious, but if you end up stepping out on your marriage you will be WISHING you took a different route & stuck with your hubby. No matter what the outcome, the devastation that comes with betrayal is not fair to either of you. Be honest with him and end the relationship before adding a silent partner to your husband's sex life.

    I'm wondering if anyone has overcome this issue? Mine is similar... fighting to keep my sex life alive. There has to be a solution other than switching pots!!

    Married in 2003, been on the Nest ever since!
  • Sex is very draining energetically for men so if your husband isn't interested in sex, it probably has to do with his energy levels. Is he the type of person that has a lot of energy? If not, focus on getting his energy levels up by eating healthier.
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  • my fiance is the same. He is on blood pressure medicine and an antidepressant and both slow down sex drive. I know that if I truly want to have sex I will turn the TV off and have a romantic night. I make sure its not late and we will not drink any alchohol. Like I said....if you truly want to have sex it can be done with a little love,affection and patience. Good luck
  • It may be alot of things. Here are some ideas you may want to investigate:

    Medically. It may be possible that he has a cyst on his pitutary gland. These are normally benign however I have heard can cause loss of sexual drive. It may have a low level of testosterone, I have heard this can be assessed by a blood test with further follow up by an endocronoligist. It is important that they look at the amount of free testosterone sometimes not just the overall. He may also have other medical issues.

    Psychological. He may be sexually anorexic, unable to participate in sexual intimacy due to past trauma. There are plenty of readings about this on the web and a self help group called SLAA. There may be other issues he has not talked about and is resentful about in the relationship, a counsellor may be helpful. He may have been abused at an earlier age.

     Don't give up, there is always hope!

  • try catching him offguard......maybe just the stress  of the day and every day life keep him from being able to dissassociate daily life from your sex life. its hard for a mann to get in the mood if work is overly demanding or the budget is a little tight....  set up a date night and stay at a hotel..... maybe a change of pace and scenery will not oonly get him focus  where it should be, but can also add a little spice back into it for you. or, try spicing it up by sending him a sxy dinner date invite via text.... then surprise him with a little rendevous unbenounced to him at a local hotel for a night cap. dont leave it upto typical signs and symptoms to get anything to change. talk argue or fight about it all you want... it obviously hasnt made a difference. be proactive about it. wishing you lucka 
  • my fiance is interested in sex, but his drive is much lower than mine. recently i got a job that required us to divide the chores for our home differently, so we made a chore chart. under the tag-team section of chores i put sex, kind of as a joke, but he loves crossing it off every day! maybe making it a little more fun outside the sack might bring you a little more fun in the sack. also, when you do get to have sex, take control once in a while, then it won't be so boring for you (maybe tie him up and tease him, or get on top...whatever new thing you've been wanting to try with him)
  • To fix this problem, I think you need to understand the problem. I don't want to put doubt into anyone's head, but is there a reason he isn't interested in sex? The same thing happened to me, except his desire went away after we got married. I found out he had a serious porn addiction. He was getting off on porn and felt totally satisfied by that, and totally disregarded my needs. The problem with porn addictions is that they can turn into other addictions, and in this case it did. He started having affairs behind my back. I'm not saying this is the problem, but getting to the core of what is really wrong or really going on is the only way you will figure out why he does not want to have sex with you.

     

    Other suggestions other than cheating/porn addiction: bad experiences in the past (as as mentioned), maybe he feels self conscious about how he looks or how he has sex? Was there a time when he did something embarrassing or 'wrong' and he's scared to make the same mistake again? 

    I know this is difficult, but we are here for you. Ask some questions.. find out the root of the problem. Then figure out how to proceed.

  • I was married for 11 years to a man who wasn't interested in sex with me.  We had sex probably once a week/every two weeks before we got married and he always said "it'll get better, i promise".  So we got married.  Then he said "ya know, if your thighs were smaller, I'd be more attracted to you", so I had liposuction.  A few years later he said "ya know, if your breasts were bigger, i'd be interested in sex with you", so I had breast augmentation.

     After 11 years, 2 surgeries, and last ditch effort marriage counseling, he finally told me that he had NEVER been sexually attracted to me.

     Ask yourself this question - can you go the rest of your life without sex?  Because that's what you're setting yourself up for. 

    I left and after being single for 3 years met a fantastic guy who can't keep his hands off of me, tells me every day how beautiful I am and adores me.  We're getting married in September.

     Do yourself a favor and figure out what's important to you.  Leave with your dignity and fidelity in tact if that's what it takes.  Fear of being alone is no reason to be in a miserable marriage.

     I wish you luck.

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