Politics & Current Events
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

funny: Amazon Diva cup review

http://www.amazon.com/review/R39TB4HUVK8Z6?tag=vglnk-c1019-20

 


626 of 711 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars Prepare for battle!, August 23, 2009
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: DivaCup Model 2 Post-Childbirth (Health and Beauty)
So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup". Since feminine hygine supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha. 

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps. Now, I am no stranger to gore. Nor am I squeamish about my delicate rose of delight, except that I have no such illusions about it and indeed am always reminded of nothing so much as stuffing an oddly-warm raw turkey. So, when after several weeks of teasing, the Period Fairy threatening to postpone the Communist Invasion until I was actually getting on the plane (I was about ready to scream and cry at some hapless unwary male just as a sacrifice to appease her) at last I greeted the rosy-fingered dawn and set about embarking on my new life as a eco-friendly Diva. 

The Moon Cup comes in two sizes; Size A, for youthful nymphs under 30 who have never given birth and have silken tresses and tinkling laughs and are all size 0, and size B, for Big Ol' Bitches like m'self, who have either spawned, or are so old (ie over 30) that they might as well have been poppin' them out like Duggar Donuts, because their sugar walls are now echoing corridors full of cobwebs and slackness. Of course the packaging phrases it more nicely, but I was miffed to see that despite having never replicated, I was still doomed to the Big Gulp size because of my age alone. 

So, chalice in hand, fingers washed, and let's fold that thing like a taco (no, not THAT thing, the other thing!) and cram it up where only one man has gone before and even then not for a damn long time even when he WAS still around. I'm sure I imagined the rusty creaking sounds as I tried to shove something which was larger than anything previous (with the exception of various medical speculums which, I believe, were constructed by the same person who designed the Montlake Drawbridge)into the Gaping Maw. 

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel. 

There is, also, a small stem at the base of this cup, which, being made of the same slippery silicon and about a centimeter long, is about as helpful as providing a live, untrained earthworm for a handle. More on this later. 

So, rotate this thing in situ, to ensure a good 'seal' and a comfortable fit. 

Does. Not. Happen. 

Ladies (and gentlemen, although I hope for your sake none of you gentlemen are reading this), I tried. I hauled that thing in and out of there more times, and with much less joy, than Eeyore with his birthday present, and not once could I get that thing to "turn easily". I finally gave up, since it seemed, at one point, to be "fully inflated" and more or less in the right place. Frankly I think that having left my furrow unplowed for so long, I'm not exactly the proper degree of hotdog-hallway that the instruction-writer was intending to address, but so be it. Let's give this thing a whirl, if we can't give it a twist. 

Fast forward a few hours in which I've done nothing much. To its credit, I don't feel the presence of THE CUP at all, no discomfort, not even a vague sense of "eugh" as I sometimes have when knowing all that stands between me and my khakis is a small cottony Dutch boy. In fact, I'm getting rather concerned that the Diva Cup has wormed its way in like some form of parasitic jellyfish and is now eagerly migrating up my fallopian tubes, with me all unknowing. Time to go fishing. 

And that is where I discover that, while it's difficult to try and 'turn' a Diva Cup newly lodged in your sanctum sanctorum, it's a freakin' log-fall compared to trying to recover said Cup after it has gotten comfortably settled in the downy folds of your blood-engorged tissues. Yes, indeed, if cram my fingers up there to the point of pain, I can just, tantilizingly, tickle the end of that goddamn silicone 'stem'. Grasp it? Not in hell. 

Of course the instructions say, if this happens, DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives. There were instructions for different positions, and "bearing down" and so forth, which I tried, to no avail, and I was pretty sure that my ham-fisted efforts (ahem) were just making things worse on the "swollen" front, so Diva and I took a break, and retired to our respective corners for an hour or so. 

Now I brought out my secret weapon: Beer. If, gods help me, I ever have to have a baby, I intend to be drunk off my ass for the delivery, and I surely hope that the Fairy Prince Unicorn Elvis who is my chosen Babydaddy will provide a bedside IV of godly ambrosia, or at least Jim Beam. But anyway, two beers and I'm good to go spelunking in quest of the Holy Grail once more. 

Either the beer, or the break, or the combination of all of these and squatting on the bathmat like a Neanderthal crapping, finally, produced enough of that goddamn 'stem' to grab (which was good, because I was dreading having use the kitchen tongs Up There or something) and, with a surprising amount of horrible suctioning "discomfort", the invader was routed! And, wonder of wonders, it was indeed partially filled. Not filled with DELICIOUS CANDY, no, but it did seem to have been, you know... -working-, before I so rudely dislodged it from its parasitic feeding. I felt a combination of grudging respect and intrigue, as one might upon meeting a foe worthy of their steel. Provided we could agree to disagree on the whole "turn 360 degrees in place" aspect, perhaps this could indeed be a workable partnership. Better than bleeding into the Rupununi and attracting every caiman, pirahna, and candiru fish for fifty miles. 

But not without some boundaries first. I tied a ROPE to that stupid stem this time. 

The Girl is 5. The Boy is 2. The Dog is 1.

image image

I am the 99%.

Re: funny: Amazon Diva cup review

  • I'm definitely referring to my period as "The Communist Invasion" from now on. 
    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/28btqo9.gif[/IMG]
    The feeling is mutual, Harry.
  • That's awesome. She must be local, what with the Montlake Drawbridge reference.
    image

    ~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
  • Holy crap.  I was crying from laughing so hard.  I had to take a break so my officemate didn't think I was totally insane.
  • Nothing could top this. Nothing.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • image LittleMoxie:
    Holy crap.  I was crying from laughing so hard.  I had to take a break so my officemate didn't think I was totally insane.

     

    Me too. I'm laughing so hard now. OMG! 

  • Needless to say, Amazon reviews are not moderated. At all.

    I am now completely convinced that I need never try a diva cup. 

  • THAT was absolutely fantastic. She should be a writer!!
    Now I'm thinking she must be a writer trying to get noticed!
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/2yp0n5f.gif[/IMG]
  • I thought no review would ever eclipse the wolf howling at the moon shirt. I was wrong. 

     Dead wrong.  

    [IMG]http://tinyurl.com/7eaaemv[/IMG]

    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/tickers/generated_tickers/2/283svf7xy.png[/IMG][/URL]
  • I cried tears reading this.

    image LaurierGirl28:
    THAT was absolutely fantastic. She should be a writer!!
    Now I'm thinking she must be a writer trying to get noticed!

    I thought this too so I googled the author's "name" before I realized. I'm slow. Embarrassed

  • Either the beer, or the break, or the combination of all of these and squatting on the bathmat like a Neanderthal crapping, finally, produced enough of that goddamn 'stem' to grab

    lmao!!!

    Floyd P. Bamker - can't spell
  • image Lucille Bluth:

    I cried tears reading this.

    image LaurierGirl28:
    THAT was absolutely fantastic. She should be a writer!!
    Now I'm thinking she must be a writer trying to get noticed!

    I thought this too so I googled the author's "name" before I realized. I'm slow. Embarrassed

    OMG. I was confused by what you said - so I did the same until i got it.

    Bend over.

    LOL. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/2yp0n5f.gif[/IMG]
  • I pee'd.  Not gonna lie.  OMG this is the funniest thing I have read in just about forever.
    image
  • She had me at pan drippings.
  • image MereB:
    She had me at pan drippings.

    That was the kicker for me, too. Then it just got better and better. Thanks for the laugh!

  • image swimbikepuke:
    This is so utterly fantastic, I'm forwarding it to my mother.  I'm also trying to decide whether it should go on my facebook page.  Why not?

    where do you think I got it from?

    ...but I have some interesting FB friends 

    The Girl is 5. The Boy is 2. The Dog is 1.

    image image

    I am the 99%.
  • That is the most wonderful thing I've ever read. EVER. 
    Well, that would be telling


    [url]http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9786320[/url]
  • That caused me to laugh out loud so much that my cat came over and fixed me with a deep, unblinking expression of concern. Awesome.

    Still thinking I'll try the diva cup someday, once I'm again in a state to fend off the communist invasion.

    BabyFruit Ticker

    July 3rd, 2012 ~ Hang in there sweetheart, we can't wait to meet you!

  • I want to save this on my amazon wishlist so I can re-read it monthly.
  • image MereB:
    She had me at pan drippings.

    Me too. She has wonderful use of imagery...

    BabyFruit Ticker
    My Ovulation Chart BFP-11/10/11 ectopic. Methotrexate on 12/1/11. BFP #2-08/17/2012 FX for a ute-baby! 15DPO beta-387 HCG; 36 progesterone Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Awesome!  This went straight on my facebook wall, with a disclaimer that it shouldn't be read by children or squeamish men. 
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/2lu982o.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/38d495]
    [img]http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/38d495/ttc.png[/img]
    [/url]
  • image Aknight1986:
    Nothing could top this. Nothing.

    This! I'll never approach Amazon reviews the same again...

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards