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WWYD if you found out your DH "messed around" with a guy?

THIS IS NOT ME!!!  Friend of a friend, REALLY

anyway, Susie is married to Bill; 2nd marriage for both, they are in their mid-30's, have been married about 4 years and have 6 kids between them.  My friend has known Bill since high school, but is friends w/ his wife too.  Obviously, there's a lot of backstory, but long story short, Bill asked Susie to be in a 3 some w/ another guy earlier this year and she said no way b/c she's totally not into any kinky stuff  (and I barely know her and could tell you that!) so of course, she's got her undies in a wad and there's been tension between them ever since.  In the midst of some of the fighting about this, it came out that he "messed around" with another guy after his first marriage ended, so now she's questioning whether he's gay or not.  When friend told me, I was like "hell, yes, he's gay" or at least bisexual.  He comes from a very strict Catholic family, so I think he's probably been gay and avoiding it his whole life.  Thoughts?  I just don't buy that adults are "experimenting" with their sexuality.  Teenagers, even early 20's maybe I could buy it, but by your late 20's/early 30's you should have a pretty strong sense of what/who you're attracted to.  What would you do if that were you?

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Re: WWYD if you found out your DH "messed around" with a guy?

  • ok, at first I thought you meant while they were married; that would be a dealbreaker. same as if he messed around with a woman.

    if it  came out that it happened BEFORE they got together, well that's a little different. I would want some serious discussion with him and probably some counseling to get to the bottom of it and make sure I wasn't staying married to someone who was in the closet and hadn't yet admitted it to themself. difficult situation, definitely.

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  • I think he's probably bisexual and should have been forthcoming about that but as long as there hasn't been any messing around during this relationship he hasn't been unfaithful
  • I take it the wife doesn't know about the "messing around."  I would be pissed that he didn't tell me about it and we would have to talk about this whole sexuality thing because I would not be ok with him "experimenting."

    I would also want to know if there has been any "experimenting" since they started dating.  No matter what, I would need for him to be honest with himself about his sexuality.

  • Messing around while in the relationship is a dealbreaker--same as if it were a woman.

    Beforehand or wanting a threesome with another guy--I'd explore it a little.  This is one of those thing you want to find out before you really commit to someone (marriage, kids, cohabitate, whatever) and he's bringing it up honestly.  I'd applaud that and we'd have to talk about whether this was something he thought about once in awhile or if he was repressing true feelings of being gay and I (as the girlfriend) was just what he was "supposed to do".  

    I guess I'd use it as a time to figure out where to go and that would depend on how strongly these feelings were.  To just say "NO!  EW!" and keep going sets you up for either divorce/break up or being cheated on in the future.

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  • I think it's kind of silly to assume that there's an age cut off for an adult to be 100% cemented in their sexuality and beyond the stage of experimentation. And I think it's sad for anyone to assume that they're too old to find new things to like in the bedroom (or outside of it; whatever floats your boat). No one here (not that I expect you to answer - this is all TMI stuff, I get that) has discovered something they liked or were interested in over the age of 25???

    I think it's sad that Susie shut him down without even entertaining the thought or entering into a conversation about what Bill wanted from their sex life and how she could help him with it. That will probably get me flamed, but I'm putting it out there anyway. 

    I think Bill is at least bi-curious, if not bisexual. Whether or not he is closeted is an entirely different conversation, and only he can really determine that. Him being interested in a threesome with another man doesn't make him gay. Him "messing around" with a guy doesn't make him gay.

    COULD he be gay? Sure. But what little there is to this story isn't screaming "all signs point to gay!" for me. I think it's a pretty unfair and closed-minded leap, actually.

    ed + dani 10.31.08 | miranda 04.10.07 | liam 09.06.12
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  • D'oh. I didn't answer the question in the thread's title:

    If my husband messed around with anyone during our marriage, we'd have a serious issue. I used to consider it a dealbreaker and thought I'd walk away immediately, but I'm no longer certain about that. It would be a problem, there'd be lots of talking, probably some counseling, and a lot of repair to our relationship if we were to stick it out. 

    As for what my husband did before he became committed to me... I know it all. My husband was a bit of a slut, and he knows I call him that, so it's okay, really. But it's who he was. It's a part of his life and his past. I don't care.

    ed + dani 10.31.08 | miranda 04.10.07 | liam 09.06.12
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  • image LoveLossHopeRepeat:

    I think it's kind of silly to assume that there's an age cut off for an adult to be 100% cemented in their sexuality and beyond the stage of experimentation. And I think it's sad for anyone to assume that they're too old to find new things to like in the bedroom (or outside of it; whatever floats your boat). No one here (not that I expect you to answer - this is all TMI stuff, I get that) has discovered something they liked or were interested in over the age of 25???

    I think it's sad that Susie shut him down without even entertaining the thought or entering into a conversation about what Bill wanted from their sex life and how she could help him with it. That will probably get me flamed, but I'm putting it out there anyway. 

    I think Bill is at least bi-curious, if not bisexual. Whether or not he is closeted is an entirely different conversation, and only he can really determine that. Him being interested in a threesome with another man doesn't make him gay. Him "messing around" with a guy doesn't make him gay.

    COULD he be gay? Sure. But what little there is to this story isn't screaming "all signs point to gay!" for me. I think it's a pretty unfair and closed-minded leap, actually.

    DITTO!!!  I couldn't have said it any better.  I agree with Dani here.  

    This was also before they got into a relationship.....  not while they were in a relationship, which is different. 

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  • I'd be running for the hills.

    To me there's a difference between, hey lets try it this way/with this toy and INTRODUCING ANOTHER PERSON!!!!  I do think that as we get older and are exposed to more, different things might appeal to that, but I personally feel that most people's sexuality is pretty clearly defined by the time you're in your 30s.

    Yes, everyone has a past but I don't necessarily think you need to turn a blind eye to everything in the past and there IS a difference.  Finding out DH had slept with people prior to meeting you - normal.  Finding out DH had slept with hundreds of women - deal breaker.  Finding out DH had been with other people before you - normal.  Finding out those people had wieners - deal breaker.

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  • image camdenfaithful:

    I'd be running for the hills.

    To me there's a difference between, hey lets try it this way/with this toy and INTRODUCING ANOTHER PERSON!!!!  I do think that as we get older and are exposed to more, different things might appeal to that, but I personally feel that most people's sexuality is pretty clearly defined by the time you're in your 30s.

    Yes, everyone has a past but I don't necessarily think you need to turn a blind eye to everything in the past and there IS a difference.  Finding out DH had slept with people prior to meeting you - normal.  Finding out DH had slept with hundreds of women - deal breaker.  Finding out DH had been with other people before you - normal.  Finding out those people had wieners - deal breaker.

    crap I'm on a conf call with my boss and had to stiffle a huge "HA" at this.  I agree with you though

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  • Does the wife know about the messing around? Or just that he asked to introduce another man into their sex life? Either way, finding out something like this about your spouse after you're married is suspect to me. Why wasn't this discussed before? If I found out something like this I think I'd feel betrayed because I didn't know these things about him before.
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  • Call me prude or whatever, but a threesome with my bf or H that involves another dude is a no go. No way. It doesn't even have to be a threesome. If the guy tells me that he used to sleep with guys, nuh, I'll pass.

  • image LoveLossHopeRepeat:

    I think it's kind of silly to assume that there's an age cut off for an adult to be 100% cemented in their sexuality and beyond the stage of experimentation. And I think it's sad for anyone to assume that they're too old to find new things to like in the bedroom (or outside of it; whatever floats your boat). No one here (not that I expect you to answer - this is all TMI stuff, I get that) has discovered something they liked or were interested in over the age of 25???

    I think it's sad that Susie shut him down without even entertaining the thought or entering into a conversation about what Bill wanted from their sex life and how she could help him with it. That will probably get me flamed, but I'm putting it out there anyway. 

    I think Bill is at least bi-curious, if not bisexual. Whether or not he is closeted is an entirely different conversation, and only he can really determine that. Him being interested in a threesome with another man doesn't make him gay. Him "messing around" with a guy doesn't make him gay.

    COULD he be gay? Sure. But what little there is to this story isn't screaming "all signs point to gay!" for me. I think it's a pretty unfair and closed-minded leap, actually.

     I 100% agree with this. I have a friend who has been in relationships with both girls and guys and is attracted to both but ultimately decided that he wanted to be in relationships with guys. I have another friend that is attracted to both guys and girls but won't acknowledge the fact that she is better in relationships with girls because she thinks that means she can't have a family. Sexuality isn't always black or white.

    That being said, especially in a second marriage, I'm kind of shocked that this didn't come up in conversation before they were married. I assume this is because he's been conditioned to be ashamed of the way he feels, and I think she dropped the ball by not seeking to understand his request. If you can't be honest with your spouse, who can you be honest with?

  • image Petit_Oiseau:

    That being said, especially in a second marriage, I'm kind of shocked that this didn't come up in conversation before they were married. I assume this is because he's been conditioned to be ashamed of the way he feels, and I think she dropped the ball by not seeking to understand his request. If you can't be honest with your spouse, who can you be honest with?

    I do agree with this. DH and I talked about our past and our sexuality when we first started dating and haven't stopped since. It's a fluid, ever-changing discussion, and it's important to be honest and upfront.

    I can understand her being upset because he kept something from her, and the reason he kept it from her should be explored. Is it because of his background? Because he didn't trust her? Either way, she has a right to be hurt by the fact that he didn't tell her well prior to their marriage.

    ed + dani 10.31.08 | miranda 04.10.07 | liam 09.06.12
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  • I don't think anything really. I don't think there's an age limit on experimentation, especially if you grew up in a stricter household, got married younger, etc.

    Since this happened before they were married, I might be slightly....taken aback, I guess, is one way to put it...but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that H was gay or bisexual or anything.  the fact that he wants to participate in a 3some with a guy makes me think there may be more to it than "just" experimentation, but I still wouldn't jump to assuming H was gay.

     

    If the "messing around" had happened while we were married that'd be a different story entirely.

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  • I also agree with LSG about the communication/exploration issue.

    If H were to come to me and say he wanted to try a threesome with another guy, I think I'd be thrown off, but my instinct wouldn't be to say "ew no" and just walk away and have it be an issue for months later.  I think that it would prompt more discussions, maybe a therapist - especially if I knew about the messing around with a guy before marriage.  I think saying "ew no" and ignoring the issue doesn't help anyone here, least of all their marriage, and it also shuts down the possibility of her H wanting to share personal things in my opinion. Saying you want a 3some is something really personal I think and it takes a certain level of comfort to share that. Shutting down the conversation isn't healthy for the marriage in my opinion.  (not saying she has to do it by any means, but I think it would prompt some talks with us.)

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  • I think I'd first be taken aback but then I'd probably rather be happy that he brought it up rather then hold it in or take it upon himself to go and mess around behind my back.  I'm not saying I'd be open to it, but I think, like many other have said, it's important to communicate in your marriage.  If you're not happy in bed, you need to get down to the bottom of why.

    Dani- you did a great job responding and hit on everything I agree with!

    Devil's advocate...if a wife mentioned to her husband she messed around with another woman, what would the reaction be?  Sure, in a dream world, this is a guy's fantasy, but in all reality, do you think the responses would be the same?

     

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  • I definitely think that this is something that should have come up in discussion before they got married.  Somewhere between this guy's first marriage ending & their relationship beginning he swam in the man pond and that is something he should have been just as forthcoming about other major hetero dalliances. 

    Someone VERY close to me married someone who was so far in the closet that he could not consummate their marriage and the resulting drama pretty much wrecked a good 10 years of this woman's life, gave her major hang-ups, etc. So I am all about being honest and up front BEFORE you get married.

    Yes, I agree that sexuality is fluid, not totally black and white, etc. but if you have an inkling that you may be a 2 or higher on the Kinsey scale then you really need to say something- and by the 2nd time around marriage wise w/ kids in the equation you should really know well enough to say something. 

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