Oklahoma Nesties
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Marriage Counseling

I know we've got a few experts on marriage counseling in here... tell me about it. What should one expect going into it? How do you go about finding a counselor? I would love to use one of the ones that y'all recommend, but since I'm not in the OKC area, that's impossible.

The reason I ask is because I feel like H and I could benefit greatly from it. We're not having any serious marriage problems or any thing like that, I just feel like it would help us 'smooth' things out. I believe we have a communication issue. I'm so extremely laid back and flexible about everything and life and H is not. At all - he's wound tight about nearly everything. Everything is a big deal to him whereas, with me, it's just like: okay, no big deal, we'll fix it and move on. I think that maybe our personalities conflict with each other and kind of stump our communication and when it does finally all come to head, it's a huge thing.

I've heard y'all say so many great things about it that I'd really love to give it a try.

"Always have faith in God, yourself, and the Cowboys...'-Eddie Sutton

Re: Marriage Counseling

  • Well, I am not sure where to begin. For the most part, I really like to talk about things to death and DH likes to avoid.  So, when it came to the background noise in our marriage, I felt like he just didn't seem to care about I was carrying the stressload on my own.  Couple that with my very stressful job and that's an insane amount of stress for one to carry.  The other thing, I couldn't trust that he was being overly honest with me about his feelings about anything and that really concerned me.  Sure, he would say "Oh, its not a big deal, I am fine" but I wasn't convinced that was the case but I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't confide in me.  Does that make sense?

    I was already seeing a counselor to deal with work stress but when DH and I had a huge blow out and I spent the next session screaming and cussing about how unhappy our lack of communcation made me, she suggested I bring him with me.

    When we first started going, it took awhile for him to open up.  He grew up in a family where whenever he would give his opinion about something, no one really cared because they would do just what made them feel good at the expense of other people's feelings.  His family often uses the fact that he "does not communicate" as a scape goat for not talking about anything EVER.  EVER EVER EVER.  They NEVER discuss anything "bad."  Ever.  It is the wildest thing.  So, I had to learn to take my overcommunication down a notch and he had to learn to increase it substantially.  The last two years have been an interesting process and to be honest, I am not sure where we would be without the counseling. It has taken our relationship to an entirely new level that I guess I didn't know existed.  I love to self improve and I can even see how working on my communication skills has helped me in other areas of my life as well. 

    DH has really grown a lot.  Most of our conversations are still noise pollution but now we can have adult conversations without them being one sided and me getting pissed off and feeling resentful.  I love this better version of him.  His parents, however, aren't so happy. I guess its hard to realize your kid demands respect, I don't know.

    Marriage is not all roses and rainbows, that's for sure.  We all KNOW that but...its a hard pill to swallow to admit your relationship needs some maintenance.  I am obviously a huge supporter of marriage counseling - with the divorce rate being 50% - we all need it.  All you really know about marriage is what you learn from your parents. I certainly DO NOT want my parent's marriage and he doesn't want his parent's either - so it has been fun, I guess, to figure out what WE want and how we want OUR marriage to look.

    Good luck to you. It is not an overnight process - it takes time. It is well worth it.

    image My man, Keiffer, in his latest mug shot. Isn't he so hot?
  • We went for a short time. It helped give us a "safe" place to open up about our feelings, and it really did help. Instead of each of us getting pissed off and starting a fight or something, we could get it out, discuss it, etc. The first time we went it was hard for DH to totally open up, but the second time he was able to get involved much more.

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