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Is it dumb?

Is it dumb for me to be upset that when my husband comes to have lunch with me,  I almost always have to pay? I mean if he has all this money to spend on his cars, shouldn't he have money to buy me lunch?

Re: Is it dumb?

  • We don't have this problem.

    My money is his money and vice versa.  I have never quite understood the separate checking account thing, but what works for some doesn't work for all.

     

     

  • Yeah, we have a joint account - I have no idea what would be mine or his, it's just ours.  Although my best friend's parents who are probably the cutest, happiest couple ever insist on having separate ones.

    It all just depends I guess.

  • Solution: both of you pay for your own.
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  • We have a joint account, and we also kept our own separate accounts from when we were single/dating.  It works just fine for us. To each his own.

    If we had lunch together, we'd pay for it out of our joint account.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I would be upset.  But not because I had to pay.  Because my H was so stubborn as to not join accounts.  

    We lived together for 4 years before we got married and always had seperate accounts.  The H (bf at the time) made more than twice what I made at the time.  And even though we had seperate accounts, he would still pay for things like dinners or drinks out, movie dates, majority of the vacations we took.  I still paid for my 'half' of the bills' but he understood that I didn't have as much money as he did.

    We joined accounts when we got home from the honeymoon. And now I 'pay' for meals out, etc, because I 'control' the joint account.  We have it set up so H gets a certain amount directly deposited into his own account for things that he needs or wants (gas, lunches, his bowling money, and other fun money)  Everything else comes out of the joint account.  And my check goes to savings.

    It seems like you've complained about this before.  Maybe it's time to talk about a different financial arrangement since you aren't happy with this one.

  • We are working really hard to pay off debt. The H's check goes directly into our checking account and he pays the bills out of it. That's the only thing it's used for.

    My (measly) pay check is our fun money. We split it in half on Fridays and that's it for the week. We have to pay for our gas out of that and whatever is left we use as we see fit (usually I go out to lunch once and buy a book or a new shirt, etc.).

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  • It's not really a money issue, it's more of an emotional issue. Does that make any sense. I mean I have the money. But if my husband offers to take me out to lunch, shouldn't he pay? He says I have jealousy issues with money. I just think his priorities are a little messed up. How do you have $250/mo for a truck payment, plus insurance, $140 to tint the windows, $60 for a new exhaust for the car, but you don't have $10 to buy me lunch? I just think that's messed up. Plus, he springs it on me AFTER I'm at work. If I'd known he was going to pull this crap, I would have just brought my lunch, so I could take a shorter lunch, so I could possibly leave early b/c my son has a school program tonight. He's just freakin' inconsiderate sometimes.
  • We don't have this problem... we have joint accounts as well.

     I would say you each pay for your own if you have separate accounts.
     

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  • And maybe I'm just PMSing, but I'm really hurt. I've done alot of super nice things for him lately & this is the thanks I get.
  • Sounds like it's time to have a talk with him about dates. 

    If you two have seperate accounts, it seems only fair that you alternate paying for the dates.

    I don't think it's a joint/seperate account issue.  It's communication.

    Willa 4.6.06 and Henry 10.18.08 Camp Sinki
  • image 2carbuffs:
    And maybe I'm just PMSing, but I'm really hurt. I've done alot of super nice things for him lately & this is the thanks I get.

    Talk to him about it.  If you're hurt he needs to know.

  • image MrsJuliD:

    image 2carbuffs:
    And maybe I'm just PMSing, but I'm really hurt. I've done alot of super nice things for him lately & this is the thanks I get.

    Talk to him about it.  If you're hurt he needs to know.

    Ditto!  Good luck!

  • image GRsweetpea:

    Sounds like it's time to have a talk with him about dates. 

    If you two have seperate accounts, it seems only fair that you alternate paying for the dates.

    I don't think it's a joint/seperate account issue.  It's communication.

    I agree with you thats its communication, but the problem would go away if they had a joint account.  It wouldn't be 'her' paying or 'him' paying, it would come from the general pool of money, therefore eliminating this particular problem.

  • I think my biggest issue is just that he sprung it on me at the last minute. He told me he was coming to lunch, but didn't tell me it was "my turn" until the last minute. He didn't ASK if I had lunch money, just TOLD me it was "my turn". So yeah, communication would have gone a long way.
  • I also have a car crazy husband.  I TOTALLY understand what you're saying.  We used to have this problem with his car and money.  I asked "how do you have all this money for your car, but you're wanting me to pay for _____?"   I flat out asked, and he didn't have an anwser.  Ever since I brought it up there hasn't been a problem.  He never realized it bothered me before.  I would say something about it.  He might not know it's a big deal to you. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Unfortunately, yes, he does know. He says I'm jealous. He says it's my fault I don't have more b/c I chose to buy another car instead of keeping the one that was almost paid off (which I hated). He's not very understanding when it comes to money.
  • I don't know you or him, but it sounds like money and cars are a very sensitive topic for you both.  It's come up here a few times.  Have you two considered talking to a third party about suggestions on money co-management and moving forward?

    Willa 4.6.06 and Henry 10.18.08 Camp Sinki
  • I don't think it is dumb at all, and I can appreciate the emotional part as well. IMO- it sounds like money is not the issue to you, it is the fact that by asking you to lunch but saying it is your turn after you get there, that he may have ulterior motives and automatically has in his mind and expects that you will pay for his lunch. You may be feeling like he is taking advantage of you and for granted in not really appreciating the times that you do pay and the sweet things that you do. Which is the part that hurts your feelings, because your 1st priority is your H and you feel that your H 1st priority is his cars and not you (his spending money on his cars is more important than spending it on you.) Does that sound about right?

    In my case it was cleaning the house and cooking. I made it a point to clean the house every Saturday and cook a nice meal for MH. At first my H was very impressed and expressed his gratitude. Before long it was expected of me and he started asking if I cleaned this or that, because it did not look as though I did. He started coming home late and dinner would get cold. I started to feel like he was taking me for granted and it hurt my feelings. That is when I said screw it, I am not spending my Saturday cleaning and cooking for someone that does not appreciate it anyway. What difference does it make who does it, so I hired a house keeper and started ordering carryout dinner for him.I think I mentioned before that my top 2 Love languages were spending quality time together (I would constantly have to remind him of date night) and affirmation (a simple thank you would be nice). His would probably be services. I was doing the services, but he was not giving me the quality time or affirmation I needed in return.

    I feel for you, I really do! :c (

    If you need to talk, you know how to reach me.

    (((HUGS & PRAYERS)))

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