Relationships

How private do you keep your relationship?

I'm recently engaged and have had a lot of emotions about getting married.  Thing is, when I try to talk to my twin sister or mom about it, I get blank stares and concern.  In fact, my sister is holding those conversations against me and we're fighting a lot because she doesn't think I should have any feelings but elation, excitement and confidence.

I really am in love and want to marry my fiance (he's great), but I also have some anxiety about the permanence and unknowns of marriage (I would assume this is pretty normal).

I'm wondering how private you all are about your relationships?  When you get engaged, is it best to just keep everything between you and your fiance?  I'm bummed because I'm close with my family and like to talk to them about everything in my life, but as I'm getting married I'm realizing maybe I need to start being more private.

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Re: How private do you keep your relationship?

  • When you tell others you have some doubts about getting married, I don't think you can blame them for wondering if you are making the right decision. If you need someone to help you sort out your feelings, see a counsellor.
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  • I talk to close friends, but not family.
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  • Well, I would say that your sister isn't someone to turn to, then, over this issue.

    big picture - by and large, I'm pretty private about the internal workings of my marriage.  While I consider myself a relatively open person, there is just something about my marriage that I just feel isn't necessary to let others in on.

    However, as w/ anything in my life, if there is something I feel I need advice on, I try to turn to someone who I really feel can relate and will listen to me.  For some issues, it may be "Mary" that I turn to, but for other problems, it might be "Beth".  It just depends on the situation and the kind of advice I feel I need.

    And quite honestly, often times, it's someone who isn't a part of my daily life.  It's easier for me to open up to people who are a little more removed from the equation and can be a little more objective. 

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  • Congrats on ur engagement. I know how u are feeling, I felt the same way before me and my husband were married and we were together for 8 years before we got married.What you are feeling is normal. It sounds to me that mom and sister may be a tad bit jealous, and they cant understand where you are coming from. I am a very private person so I tend to keep my private life private. you may have to be selective with what info you share with them. good luck to you.
  • I don't share anything about my relationship with my friends and family that I wouldn't want DH sharing with HIS friends and family.  We're pretty private about a lot of things.

    Before I got married, my mother advised me that unless there was a Serious Issue between me and DH, she didn't want to hear about it.  As much as she loves him, I'm her daughter and she will always take my part. 

    Your friends and your family aren't your therapists.  When you, as a newly engaged woman, start voicing concerns about marriage, it probably makes it seem to them that you are second-guessing your decision to get married or that you're looking for reassurance in all the wrong places (from your family and not from your fiance).  Concerns about marriage -- which is something between you and him -- are best handled in conversations between you and him.

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  • I think you're talking about two different things here.

    To answer your original question, I have two close friends that I tell just about everything to- my family stuff (my major source of drama), husband, kids, all of it.  Fortunately my marriage stuff is incredibly minor day to day stuff.  I know that I can trust them and they're a great sounding board. 

    As far as your twin sister being concerned, I don't understand how you can fault her for that.  I wonder how honest you are being with yourself.  Are these really typical 'wow I'll never have another first kiss' thoughts or are there things about your FI/ relationship that your gut is telling you isn't right?

    I read your post on S&R, if it's an issue for you now that your FI never initiates it's not going to go away once you're married. 

    Be honest with yourself about your feelings & your relationship.  If you need to, go to a counselor.  If you lurk this board or TIP, you will read post after post about women who got married ignoring the red flags when they were engaged.

  • -Family should only know the positive. Don't complain, don't talk about fights or disagreements or doubts to your family. They'll remember that stuff when you could have said those things out of pure emotion/frustration.  If you need to vent find a friend to vent to.

    -Having some signs of cold feet is normal. But make sure that's all it is.  Really look at what you want out of life and your relationship and figure it all out BEFORE you get married.  If that means holding off the wedding for another year, do it, it's so not worth marrying until you're 100% ready.

  • I've never been one to run to anyone about my problems or thoughts, be them family or friends.  Maybe I'm a pretty superficial friend in that sense.  I do have a best friend who I've been close with since 8th grade, but we've never called each other every day or been all up in each others business.  I've NEVER talked to my family about private things.  EVER.  I think I have issues with keeping up appearances to people.

    That said, I'm like the PP who said they are better at sharing some things with people they aren't super close with.  I had a roommate that got put with me randomly, and we ended up being good friends, but the fact that I only had known her for less than 6 months really made me comfortable with telling her things about my (then) fiance.  I wasn't afraid of being judged by her.

    I thought this was going to be about how private you keep things inside your relationship, to which I was going to respond with, uh, not at all.  We tell each other EVERYTHING.  Probably to a fault. 

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  • I am a private person and keep most stuff to myself. Yeah, I vent about stupid stuff ( him putting dishes in sink vs' dishwasher) but nothing really deep.

    However, if ANYONE told me they had and doubts before their wedding I would suggest postphoning till they were 100 % sure about it.  Not 99.9%, but a full 100%.

  • I keep most issues about my marriage to myself, mostly because they are such little, silly things and fights that they are not worth telling anyone about. Also, our sex life is something I won't talk to friends or family about. It's different when you start dating someone and it's fun to chat about sex, but once everyone knows your H it's just weird. Unless something huge happened I wouldn''t have much to to talk to people about concerning my marriage.

    I do think your twin sis has a right to be worried about you. Instead of brushing her off as someone you can't talk to, maybe you should try talking out your fears and concerns with her? If she doesn't want to do that and thinks you're being dumb for even having concerns, well then yeah, don't talk to her about stuff. But maybe she actually does want you to turn to her and is worried you are getting married without thinking it all through.

  • I keep my relationship very private.

    I only have 2 very trusted people I vent to and discuss my relationship with and i never fully disclose details and usually keep it quite vague. It's good to have someone you can go and blow off steam to every now and then, but you risk painting a bad picture of an SO if it's a constant thing and petty vents.



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  • image Mrs.H.:

    I am a private person and keep most stuff to myself. Yeah, I vent about stupid stuff ( him putting dishes in sink vs' dishwasher) but nothing really deep.

     

    ...this 100%

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  • You will learn with time the things that you should keep private and things that are appropriate to share.  It sucks that you have to deal with this but it's the only way to learn.

    I have always been a private person, I normally don't express my feelings or concerns.  Everything between me and my ex-FI was private and I hated it to share with anyone else.  Thus why everyone was surprised when we decided to break it off.  Just keep in mind that you do not need an audience for your relationship, keeping it between you and your FI is the only way.  If you need an outside opinion, I would then suggest counseling. 

    I know it's a bit difficult to refrain yourself from sharing things with close family members or even friends, but it would be in your best interest to learn how to control yourself. 

  • image xcrewgal:

    Thing is, when I try to talk to my twin sister or mom about it, I get blank stares and concern. 

    What are you honestly expecting their responses to be?

    Keep problems in your relationship between the two of you. Would you want your FI's mom to know about these issues?

     

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  • Hi. I don't usually post much on here, I'm more of a lurker but your post hits close to home so I thought I'd offer some advice.

     I'm not married, and have never been married but I do have a serious bf and we have lived together for a few years now. I learned the hard way to watch what I say about my relationship. bf and I have had our fair share of ups and downs and it took some time to get used to living together when we first moved in. I would vent and over share things with my girlfriends. While to me it seemed like I was just chatting with them about my relationship and the things that bothered me, it seemed like to them that my relationship was full of negative things and that bf wasn't such a great guy.

     BF and I had a rough patch at the begining of the summer and that was the last straw for my friends. I was venting about the stupid little petty things in my relationship more then I was sharing the good details and when BF and I had a big issue and I needed support from my friends the most, they all turned their back on me. They couldn't stand to hear another thing about him, they had made up their minds that they hated him and he was nothing good for me and that I was a ruining my life by working thru our big fight. Granted, that doesn't say great things about the friends I choose to have in my life but it did teach me to keep things a little more private. Not everything needs to be shared, people might get the wrong impression and it's hard to change a bad impression.. 

    I feel like relationships in general cause alot of emotion, espically when you go through major turning points like moving in together, getting engaged, etc. I'd try to find someone else you can talk with to sort out your emotions instead of your family. Good luck and congrats on the engagement!

  • image xcrewgal:

    my sister is holding those conversations against me and we're fighting a lot because she doesn't think I should have any feelings but elation, excitement and confidence.

    I really am in love and want to marry my fiance (he's great), but I also have some anxiety about the permanence and unknowns of marriage (I would assume this is pretty normal).

    While I think what you are feeling is normal - I just want to ask why aren't you discussing your feelings about marriage with your FI instead of your mother and sister?

    I'm very private in my relationship, especially with my family because quite honestly they can't be trusted to keep things to themselves. When it comes to my relationship, I turn to BF to discuss my feelings that relate to him and us as a couple.

  • I tend to be pretty private w/my relationship, mostly out of respect for my H.  I would be embarrassed if I knew he told people about personal details of our relationship, so I don't do it to him.  I also have friends who gossip and I'm pretty sure that if they pick apart everyone else's relationship, they would do the same to me if they had the ammunition. 

     Basically, if I have a problem, I speak to my H.  What better way to solve a problem than go directly to that person and talk about it?  I also post things on here..no one here knows me or my H and I can get good objective advice.  Share your feelings with your future H...he may be feeling the same way. 

     I think it's normal to feel different emotions when you are about to get married...It's a huge life change!  Your sister and mom probably are just worrying for you out of love and they want you to be happy.  If your feelings are minor, then I wouldn't worry.  But if you find yourself seriously questioning the entire thing, don't do it...You should never have to convince yourself to marry someone.  GL!

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  • I also have a twin sister and we tend to have a share everything mentality. Except when we share about husband's or boyfriends we get really angry for each other. It's better to sensor a lot of those conversations. Just keep things more general.
  • image scherza:

    I don't share anything about my relationship with my friends and family that I wouldn't want DH sharing with HIS friends and family.  We're pretty private about a lot of things.

    Ditto this.

    When I was younger I vaguely wondered why people paid therapists to listen to them when they could vent to their friends for free. Now that I'm older and my experiences and relationships are more complex, it makes a lot more sense to me.

  • I'm pretty private. My family is very close and can't keep a secret (amongst my four sisters, two bros-in-law, one sister's bf and parents) to save their life! I learned that lesson in high school so now I only share the good stuff. :) I'm also vague when I share things with my three best friends. Mostly I figure no one needs to know about my marriage but my H and me.

    It is ok to feel some anxiety about the permanence and unknowns of marriage. Discuss it with your FI though, not your mom and sister.
  • Nobody understands your relationship, unless you are in it. we tend to keep most topics but stupid stuff to our selves, because we know how to work it out, My  mom or fam does know anything but positives. My family pretty is on a need to know basis and there is nothing they need to know.
  • Thanks for all the responses!  I have to agree with most of them!  My fiance and I definitely talk all the time, so I'm not worried about that.

    There was one comment about how someone always told little negative details to their friends, then it was blown out of proportion.  I think that's what I'm experiencing.  There were a couple of times I vented to gfs and my sister about the stress of moving in/getting engaged and now they are seriously reading into it when I don't think it's a big deal at all.

    I guess I just didn't give much thought to what I should/shouldn't say to 2 people so close to me, given they've always been there to chat when I dated.  But I guess this is  one of my first lessons in marriage!

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  • When you tell friends and family negative things, they'll never forget them.  Ever. 

    Some things you need to keep to yourself.

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  • It sucks but what other PP have said re: family always wanting to take your side and not forgetting what negative things you have said about YH.

    I do have a BFF that I can tell negative things about MH to and she doesn't encourage me to leave him. Relationships are not that black and white and she understands that since she's been engaged for years.

    However, if I told this to other (less well known) friends, they would question the strength of our marriage simply because that is what people tend to do.

    I am truly sorry you are unable to talk with your family about this. I think it's perfectly normal to have some doubts (maybe not about YF but just about marriage, in general), I mean, the divorce rate is 50% so don't worry about that.

    The women on these boards are generally pretty good about listening to everyday vents. However, I would also recommend some of TK boards as they are all still experiencing these pre wedding jitters too. I would also preface your posts with saying that they are just rants, vents, etc - not actual 'problems.'

    GL and congrats on your engagement! :-)

  • I am incredibly private about my relationship with DH.  I don't tell people when we get in fights.  The reason is that your family and friends have a very long memory.  If you tell them bad things about your FI, they will remember it.
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  • image mandyjh3:

    Hi. I don't usually post much on here, I'm more of a lurker but your post hits close to home so I thought I'd offer some advice.

     I'm not married, and have never been married but I do have a serious bf and we have lived together for a few years now. I learned the hard way to watch what I say about my relationship. bf and I have had our fair share of ups and downs and it took some time to get used to living together when we first moved in. I would vent and over share things with my girlfriends. While to me it seemed like I was just chatting with them about my relationship and the things that bothered me, it seemed like to them that my relationship was full of negative things and that bf wasn't such a great guy.

     BF and I had a rough patch at the begining of the summer and that was the last straw for my friends. I was venting about the stupid little petty things in my relationship more then I was sharing the good details and when BF and I had a big issue and I needed support from my friends the most, they all turned their back on me. They couldn't stand to hear another thing about him, they had made up their minds that they hated him and he was nothing good for me and that I was a ruining my life by working thru our big fight. Granted, that doesn't say great things about the friends I choose to have in my life but it did teach me to keep things a little more private. Not everything needs to be shared, people might get the wrong impression and it's hard to change a bad impression.. 

    I feel like relationships in general cause alot of emotion, espically when you go through major turning points like moving in together, getting engaged, etc. I'd try to find someone else you can talk with to sort out your emotions instead of your family. Good luck and congrats on the engagement!

    I am currently the friend on the other side of this.

    My BBF is in a relationship that is fraught with problems.  The bf suffers from un medicated depressions, has a kid with a BSC BM, never does anything romantic/nice for my BFF.  We try to meet for lunch at least once a month and we always discuss our relationships in dept.  We tell each other everything.

    I do not like him and she knows that.  I am always telling her that she can do better/deserves better.  I wish she had the confidence to leave his azz. 

    It has got to the point that I have asked her not to tell me anymore because I am blue in the face telling her she can do better.  At this point I feel she has no right to complain because she will not do anything about it.  It drives me crazy.

    She was my MOH at my destination wedding last month and we spent a week with them.  Turns out he is a pretty nice guy and everyone else including my DH really liked him.  I guess in that once a month we meet if they had had a single row that is what she tells me about.  We met for lunch last Sat and realized that we never discuss the positives.

    She tells her family, friends and co workers all the good.  I am the only one she will tell the negative stuff to, problem is she only tells me the negative.

    We have vowed to stop venting to each.  I guess it grew out of the fact that we began dating at the same time and have a step child in common.  We would save up everything that happened all month and dump at this lunch. 

    They have been dating 3 years and she is my BFF, I have only now agreed to spend time with him and get to know him.

     

     

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  • One of the main problems I had in my first marriage is that whenever we would have a fight or an argument, he'd go running to mommy and daddy and complain about me. It caused them to start seeing me in only a "***" light and in the end, probably was a big contributor to our downfall.

    I'm now married for the second time and we keep things that are challenging private. We haven't had a fight yet where either of us has wanted to go to our parents (I wouldn't anyway, not my nature, and not his either) and vent, and I like it that way. It shows me that we really are a team and that we can handle some hard things together, and to me, that's what marriage is about. 

    A while back, SIL and BIL were in a fight (he had hung up some girlie poster in the garage; she didn't like it and wanted it taken down) and they totally involved us in it. I didn't want to take sides, and I went into "how do you think this makes her/him feel?" questioning mode, and it ultimately sorted itself out, but ever since then, I've looked at their relationship differently. And I think that's justified. No one's marriage is perfect, obviously, but when you involve other people (particularly family!), they remember it and remind you of it later on and IMO, that's not healthy for the family relationship or the marital one.

  • I have to agree with PPs.  I very rarely mention problems in my relationship to others.  Of course, it helps that there are very few problems to complain about.  

    I did experience some anxiety over the giant commitment I was making during our engagement.  Two things really helped me identify these feelings as nerves/excitement (rather than my subconscious telling me to run):

    (1) premarital counseling.  I couldn't recommend it more highly.  We had some pretty challenging conversations during our counseling sessions about issues we had never thought about, like what happens if one of us gets a dream job offer across the country? Or, what do you envision the roles of husband and wife mean?  Obviously you can never answer all the questions with 100% certainty since things will change, but it was helpful to ascertain that my DH was committed to being a full team member with me.

    (2) talking to other friends who are  getting married or were just recently married.  I think these were the people who were most likely to understand that when I said "Oh my goodness!  This is such a big deal, I'm so nervous!" that I wasn't really voicing concerns about my DH per se, but rather about the monumental commitment I was about to make.  Even still, we didn't really have in depth conversations about these feelings.  Mostly we just supported each other with a little laugh and returned to being excited about the engagement.  It was just nice to know that I wasn't the only one who thought getting married was big deal.

    Good luck with everything! 

     

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  • How old are you?  How long have you been together?

    How much you share should be something that is an agreement between the 2 of your.  How much do you want your FI to tell his mom about you?

    We keep our relationship details private.

    If you have issues that are not resolved between the 2 of you then see a counselor.

    You need to have discussions on a number of topics relating to your values and expectations of marriage, roles and responsibilies you each will play etc. Family?  How many ?  When? Work or SAHM?, Finances, budget, debt, personal and joint money, vacations, where to live, how much time together and how much time with friends, where do you spend the holidays etc etc.etc

    Do not tell your family anything negative about your partner.  They will remember the negative long after you have resolved the issue with them and possibly hold it against him.

  • I too am normally just a lurker on here but I just felt like maybe you could use some more advice.  I have been with my FI just shy of 3 years, we met online and my family was really skeptical of that to begin with but now they love him like a son/brother/cousin what have you.  But i learned very early on that I had to be selective with what i shared with them because of how they felt about our relationship fromt he get go. 

    I am a pretty open book in general and I think while i didn't have any mixed feelings abotu getting married that this is a normal behavior in the early phases of weddding planning.  Everyone at times has a fear of the unknown, don't let their reactions scare you more and just from here on out maybe keep that info for close friends, I think it is good to be close to your family, lord knows that I am to mine, but when it come to y relationship i don't really share a whole lot.  I hope I am making sense...

    Sometimes families **think** they are protecting us or watching over us but in reality it just comes off as rude or umm whats the word I am looking for unsupportive, when it probably not their intentions to be that way.

    Have you set a date yet? have you thought about premarital counseling (I googled questions to ask before getting married) and we sat down one weekend and reviewed/answered them all so we feel as though we are going in to this forever thing on the same page.  That might help with the mixed emotions, once you feel like you both are on the same page you can truly start enjoying the planning, trust me it goes by fast... like crazy fast haha Oct 2nd we will have been engaged for a year and it seems like just yesterday we were announcing our engagement.

    Good Luck and I hope you get it all worked out... just maybe share a little less with your family in the future =)

    Sorry that got really long...

     

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