Relationships

Getting Married to the same Person Twice?!?!?!?

I just got divorced on April 30th of this year. There was alot of mistakes made on my part that were made very public with all of our mutual friends. Long story most of his friends don't like me and most of my friends don't like him, but we still can't seem to move on. I am the one who put in for the divorce because I guess I wanted to run from my mistakes and didn't think he would still love me. Well we have talked and realized we've let everyone else in the middle of our relationship too much and we both have issues to work on, but we can't see being with anyone else. We both love each other so much, but I know we have alot of hard time ahead of us. Do people really get married twice to the same person? And if so how would you do the wedding? Any information would help or just advice. Thank you.

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Re: Getting Married to the same Person Twice?!?!?!?

  • Spend some time apart and sort yourselves out individually.  Then if you still think that getting back together is a good idea, start slowly.
  • Yes I'd get married to the same person twice, but after at least 6 months of counseling to make sure we weren't falling back on old habits rather than going into it for the right reason.

    Yes I'd attend the wedding and I'd be happy for the couple.  I'd expect that there would be no registry, though.

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  • Well we have been separated since September of 2009 and have spent all that time apart.
  • Do you mind telling us how old you are?!?!?!?!?
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  • Like PP said, I'd do counseling alone and together as a couple for a number of months.

    A small informal wedding with close friends and family (who will support the marriage) and without a registry. This would be after a year of being together and things going smoothly. I wouldn't recommend jumping back into being married immediately, let the relationship heal and show it can still sustain the damage that has been done.

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  • I agree that counseling prior to getting re-married is a good idea. I am thinking if your issues were so severe as to cause you divorce, it would probably be beneficial to hear some unbiased advice from a trained professional. If you have spent so much time apart, you may be missing each other but you may not have necessarily worked out the roots of your problems which may resurface once you're back together. I'm curious, did you go to counseling prior to separating/divorcing? I just think it would be helpful to make sure everything is ironed out and then you can start your new marriage with a clean slate.
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  • Are you in couples counseling?  If not, that would be a good place to start.

    Take things slowly.  Take the time to date again (each other, not other people) and make sure you are not headed down the same path that lead to your divorce.

    Your divorce has been final for just over a month, I wouldn't even be talking about another wedding yet.  If you do decide to remarry, I'd say go to a JOP or elope. 

  • Yes, people do get married to the same person twice. I have heard of this happening but it is usually after some time passes.   Why?  Because there is a reason that you got divorced, whether it is just letting everyone get in the middle of your marriage or more than that.  You said that there were issues.  You really need to work those out prior to getting caught up in getting married again.

    I think that wondering about how to do the wedding should be the least of your worries.  If your friends don't like him and his friends don't like you, it should be something small with your families only. Geez, why would you even want them there when they made all your mistakes public?  What in the world did you do that included your entire village of friends? In any case, this ceremony should only take place after you have attended counseling and worked on the issues.  Ask yourself if this is about the wedding or the marriage.  (i.e. I could have cared less whether I married my husband in a convenience store or the church, as long as our Pastor married us and as long as at the end of the day I was his wife.)  Also, how old are you, how long were you married, are you still living together, dating, had any real time apart?  You did not include enough information.

    It is great that you love each other so much, but marriage is made up of so much more than just loving each other.  In fact, you can love someone but not be able to live with that person.

    Just one word of advice is that a marriage is between you, your husband and your spiritual guide.  If you or husband are sharing your issues with anyone else, then they will get in the way again. In other words, when your husband makes you mad because he stayed out too long or leaves his socks on the floor, don't tell your girlfriends.   And, vice versa with him.  Make each other your best friends.  When you have a problem with each other, communicate and get it out in the open or after you head down the aisle for the 2nd time you may be headed to divorce court for the 2nd time.   

    Lots of luck.

  • image zitiqueen:
    Do you mind telling us how old you are?!?!?!?!?

     I am 22. We got married when we were 18 and that was alot of the problem. I am not saying I want to get married today again. I understand we need to figure out who we are individually but we both want to work things out. I just didn't know if people really did get married to the same person twice.

  • image gmccc1722:

    Yes, people do get married to the same person twice. I have heard of this happening but it is usually after some time passes.   Why?  Because there is a reason that you got divorced, whether it is just letting everyone get in the middle of your marriage or more than that.  You said that there were issues.  You really need to work those out prior to getting caught up in getting married again.

    I think that wondering about how to do the wedding should be the least of your worries.  If your friends don't like him and his friends don't like you, it should be something small with your families only. Geez, why would you even want them there when they made all your mistakes public?  What in the world did you do that included your entire village of friends? In any case, this ceremony should only take place after you have attended counseling and worked on the issues.  Ask yourself if this is about the wedding or the marriage.  (i.e. I could have cared less whether I married my husband in a convenience store or the church, as long as our Pastor married us and as long as at the end of the day I was his wife.)  Also, how old are you, how long were you married, are you still living together, dating, had any real time apart?  You did not include enough information.

    It is great that you love each other so much, but marriage is made up of so much more than just loving each other.  In fact, you can love someone but not be able to live with that person.

    Just one word of advice is that a marriage is between you, your husband and your spiritual guide.  If you or husband are sharing your issues with anyone else, then they will get in the way again. In other words, when your husband makes you mad because he stayed out too long or leaves his socks on the floor, don't tell your girlfriends.   And, vice versa with him.  Make each other your best friends.  When you have a problem with each other, communicate and get it out in the open or after you head down the aisle for the 2nd time you may be headed to divorce court for the 2nd time.   

    Lots of luck.

    Well we have been separated for 8 months of which we did not see or talk to each other for most of that 8 months. I have been living with friends and he moved back into his parents house. And I'm not so much worried aobut the wedding more my way of asking if people really get back together after a divorce and work things out. I am fully aware we will need counseling though. Thank you for all your advice.Oh, and we were married for three years. And I am 22. Married very young so that was not a favoring factor.

  • Now that you've told us your age, I'm changing my response.

    You were way too young to be married and you still are.  You've been together your entire 'adult' lives and are reacting this way b/c you don't know anything but being with him.

    Focus on yourself for while.  Focus on school or career, your friends and get comfortable being on your own for a while.  Date other people. 

    If in a few years you still really think he's 'the one' see where you're both at.  My money is heavily on that you will have outgrown each other.

  • Hey, Eminem has done it! Of course, they got divorced again...

    The "wedding" should be a JOP thing downtown and dinner with your parents, not a fancy party.

    At 22, though, this is the least of your concerns. The two of you should go to counseling together for at least a year before you decide to get remarried. And you should both get a very detailed pre-nup.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • In that case, wait until you're at least 25 and see if you're still interested.  If so, start dating him again.
  • People can most definitely get married twice. And if you want to have another wedding to go with it, that is possible to.

    That being said, this should be the LAST thing on your mind right now. At 18, as you pointed out, you had NO business getting married in the first place. And it really is no wonder you are divorced at 22. Even getting married at 22 is still too young, in my opinion.

    Take the time to find yourself, enjoy your youth, live on your own, explore life and then consider marrying your ex-H again, or anyone for that matter.

    You may even find after all of that, that you actually don't want to be with him. Right now you're attached to eachother because at your ages, what other experiences do you have with love (and no, the guy you dated for 2 months in 8th grade does not count)?

     



    image
  • My friend's employee has married the same woman THREE times...yes 3X.

    First time for the divorce there was a grass is greener scenario. Second was a financial problem. They have been re-married for a year now.

    I agree with going slowly and making sure that you are doing this for the right reasons and not out of loneliness. I would even date around.

    ETA: You're only 22. No offense but that is still young. At least re-date the guy for a few years. Your brain is not fully developed until you are at least 25 years of age. The employee I mentioned above is 55 years old. BIG difference and I don't even think he should have re-married her again.

    Also, while other people don't matter so much, they are still there. How are you and he going to deal with your family and friends not supporting the relationship? Are you going to cut everyone else out? I think having the support of the people around you is more important than you really think.

    Why don't you live on our own and support yourself? Are you in college? What hopes and dreams do you have for yourself?

  • image Chelleigh0709:

    Well we have been separated for 8 months of which we did not see or talk to each other for most of that 8 months. I have been living with friends and he moved back into his parents house. And I'm not so much worried aobut the wedding more my way of asking if people really get back together after a divorce and work things out. I am fully aware we will need counseling though. Thank you for all your advice.Oh, and we were married for three years. And I am 22. Married very young so that was not a favoring factor.

    Ok, you've been separated for eight months and not talking for "most" of that time, but in the short time you have been talking you're thinking you may want to be with him still?

    Also, you're living with friends, he's living with his parents. When are either of you going to live on your own? 

    I think people get back together after a break up all of the time. I think that they do this because when you have some distance it is easier to remember the good things and easier to forget the bad things. Generally speaking, I think that once a couple has split up it is going to take a LOT of hard work on both of their parts to get the relationship to ever last. There is a reason your marriage failed. 

    If you're even considering getting back with your exH, I think you need to both live on your own, get a career, figure yourself out, and then start down that path. Right now it seems your just reaching for anything that seems comfortable. 

  • To answer OP's question: yes people do this.  I knew a lady (ex-bf's mother, no doubt!) that travelled among three ex-husbands like a nomad during the three years I dated her son.  She REmarried two of them, yes that was five marriages and I'm sure she's still going strong.  Trashtastic!
    No Siggy

  • Ok serious question for the OP - if you had never been married to this guy or even dated him and you met him now - would you still want to date him?

    Or are you clinging to this idea that you need to somehow still commit to your former marriage?

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image Chelleigh0709:

    And if so how would you do the wedding? Any information would help or just advice. Thank you.

    As for how to do the wedding? Justice of the Peace. Why would you need a second big wedding?

    I'm curious what the first wedding was like too.

    My vote is still to not get re-married anytime soon.

  • I think the mature thing to do is to separately work on whatever issues you have in counseling and then figuring out if you really want to be with the person, or if you just have issues moving on.

    I think its perfectly fine to be in love with a person, but that doesnt always mean that you should be with that person. They have to be good TO you and good FOR you.

    And all that should be figured out prior to making any decisions.

    Good luck!

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  • Other than marrying at a very young age, what were your mistakes?

    Did you cheat?

  • Get your own place.  Buy your own furniture.  Live alone (no roommates or couch surfing).  Figure out who you are -- what food you like, your favorite activities, your favorite movies.  Continue personal therapy because you want to figure out your own flaws and problems.  I have a feeling that there was cheating on at least one side in your marriage and that is what got spread among your friends.  Figure out why you cheated or why you would be willing to stay in/restart a relationship with a cheater.

    Then, in a couple of years, see if you want to date your ex.  He may not be a person that the new fully aware you wants to be involved with.  He may not have grown or he may have grown into someone you don't like. 

  • Yes, people get married to the same person more than once.   

    But, I think it would be a good idea for you to not even think about getting married again for a while.   You got married at 18 and you admit you were too young.   Well, you're still too young to get married.      So, I'd only date until you're about 24-25, and then decide if you still want to get married.   Or, date other people for a while and see if you still want to get married.

    As for a wedding, I don't think there should be a wedding.   Go get hitched at the courthouse and then have dinner with family.    A second wedding to the same person just seems to be a waste of money.   

    Oh, and I think your ex should live on his own right about now.    He's living with his parents, and yet interference from others was the primary contributing factor to the divorce?     Two individuals should be able to stand firmly on their own feet before getting married, so I wouldn't even consider marrying him until he's capable of taking care of himself.   Once you've been independent, you don't really cave to external pressure anymore.    You know what I mean?

  • My ILs married each other twice.  The second marriage didn't last long.  They have been divorced now for about 15 years. 
  • Sure why not. Sometimes when a couple part ways they relize just what they had and no longer take it for granted. Get remarried how ever YOU want. You might want to just elope or have a small destination wedding only so you wont have to deal with others opinions. But thats up to you :-) Maybe you should view it more as a vow renewel than a new marriage. After all LOTS of couples have their dirty moments it's just that yours got aired puplicly. I learned the hard way that it's best to be very careful what you say to whom and what spin you add to it. 
  • I'm not sure how remarrying the same person you were too young to marry the first time around less than two months after you divorced him is going to solve any problems, especially when neither of you is capable of supporting yourself. That you're both relying on friends and family to put a roof over your heads is evidence that you haven't matured very much since you got married. Honestly, it sounds like this relationship has run its course- you can't see being with anyone else because you've never been with anyone else. You'd be better off letting this one go, learning how to be independent, and dating other people so you realize you have a CHOICE in life partners and you don't have to settle for the first schmuck to show romantic interest in you.
  • image DaringMiss:

    Get your own place.  Buy your own furniture.  Live alone (no roommates or couch surfing).  Figure out who you are -- what food you like, your favorite activities, your favorite movies.  Continue personal therapy because you want to figure out your own flaws and problems.  I have a feeling that there was cheating on at least one side in your marriage and that is what got spread among your friends.  Figure out why you cheated or why you would be willing to stay in/restart a relationship with a cheater.

    Then, in a couple of years, see if you want to date your ex.  He may not be a person that the new fully aware you wants to be involved with.  He may not have grown or he may have grown into someone you don't like. 

     

    I have no problem with living alone and being independent. The problem is I can barely afford to pay my bills right now. So I am trying everything to get a 3rd job and figure stuff out.  I do not want to move back in together with my ex yet and I am in counseling for my issues and I am trying to get him to go for his. Then we could both go together at some point.

  • image ZestofLime:

    Ok serious question for the OP - if you had never been married to this guy or even dated him and you met him now - would you still want to date him?

    Or are you clinging to this idea that you need to somehow still commit to your former marriage?

     

    I have honestly asked myself this question before and I am not sure of the answer. I find it hard to answer considering there is so much history. I have dated two people since we have split up and it has not worked out. He is still the only person I can talk to and fully be myself around. So it is hard to erase the whole past and figure out if you would want to be with him if I had just met him today

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