Relationships

My husband has become a stranger....

I am not sure if posting something on here will help, but I have read other peoples posts and really love seeing how people on here genuinely seem to care about each other.  So....here goes.  My husband and I have had a very tough time with our marriage.  We were engaged for a year before our wedding, married 5 months and he left me.  It was a huge shock for me, and one of the worst times in my life.  We had money problems (he's a spender, I'm a saver), he is very dependent on his parents, and they get too involved in our marriage..most is done behind my back.  We were separated from Oct 08 to March 09, then my husband left me again in July 09' and while separated it was horrible, we barely talked, he didnt help financially.  I have children from a previous marriage and he nor his parents had any contact with them for the majority of our separation.  We have been back together now since October 09 and things have been going okay.  We went to a marriage retreat and it was great, and we both felt so recharged after going.  I felt really secure in the fact that we can save our marriage.  But recently, he has started to change again, into someone this time that is cold, and uncaring at times when speaking to me, he doesnt feel that it is his responsibility to care for me.  He says I'm a grown woman and can care for myself.  I have a full time job, have been going to nursing school full time on top of my job and raising two children.  I have been caring for myself, and my children for 7 years.  I know I can care for myself, but I have always felt that my partner in life would help me shoulder the burdens of life.  And dont get me wrong, at times he does, but there are times when he leaves me alone, to fend for myself, and doesnt seem to mind when I get overwhelmed.  Just says I make a big deal of nothing, and that he gets tired of me being crabby, or me crying, etc...  I pay all the household bills, he pays only his bills, cell phone, credit cards, etc... I love my husband and I dont want to get divorced, but he has changed and has become someone who doesnt see me and the kids as his responsibility and doesnt act as if we are a priority in his life, or a part of any of his decision making.  I dont know what to do, and not sure where to turn.  We have tried therapy, groups, and a retreat and we always end up right back where we were when we started, and its because he decides he wants to do things his way...not our way.  And says he is not changing, this is who he is, and if I dont like it..too bad.  I have put a lot into this marriage, and its sad that its not give and take.  I give and he takes.  Sad

Re: My husband has become a stranger....

  • I'm so sorry, this sounds terrible.  I honestly don't know what you can do, you've tried therapy, you've done the retreat.  Are you in individual therapy as well? This problem sounds less like a 'couple' problem and more like individual struggles.  I don't know how you could fix things if he's still thinking in the "I" instead of the "we".  He sounds like he wants his individual life and then wants a wife to be a completely separate thing, he doesn't seem to be letting you in and I don't see that as something you can MAKE him do.

    I'm guessing you don't want your marriage though to be on again off again forever, and really you and your children deserve more than that.  I'd probably ask myself why I'm with him, besides "I love him" is he helping or hurting, is he going to be willing to open up and stay with you through thick and thin? Marriage shouldn't be about walking on egg shells never knowing when a separation will come next, and it shouldn't be about having to worry about everything on your own. 

    My advice would be to start really thinking more about yourself and your kids.  Work on making you the best, strongest, most independent woman you can be.  It's great to be able to rely on your partner for things, and really you should be able to, but this guy doesn't seem like a "partner", figure out what you NEED out of a marriage and if he isn't living up to what you have to have it might be time to move on.

  • I ask this geuinely - why do you love him?  really, why? 

    It takes 2 to work on a marriage.  If he's checked out, I don't know what to tell you, unfortunately.  And really- he's left you twice already?  You can't rely on him.  At all.

    I have a friend who this happened to.  Her DH left her twice.  The 3rd time, SHE was the one who finally said "See ya" and when he came back again, she told him "too late". 

    Turns out he was cheating on her during each of these 'breaks'. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • If you want honesty, you need to divorce him. It's like he's using you for a free place to stay with no responsibilities for household bills, etc, and then leaves you whenever he likes, and I don't know why you put up with it.

    Why exactly doesn't he contribute to household bills when he is a part of the household? 

  • All this break up/ get back together stuff cannot be good for your children.  Is this really the relationship you want to role model for them?  It's time to end this relationship.

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  • image liza0828:

    All this break up/ get back together stuff cannot be good for your children.  Is this really the relationship you want to role model for them?  It's time to end this relationship.

    And ditto this 100%.  Now that I am a mother, I say this even more adamently.  You have to put your kids first.  This is NOT a good example for them of what a marriage is like.  It's not. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image Robin&Dusty:
      I know I can care for myself, but I have always felt that my partner in life would help me shoulder the burdens of life. 

    Absolutely. This is the best part of being married IMO.

    This guy sees you as someone that will give him free room and board if he covers his cell phone tab. Does he even help you with childcare at all? Change diapers, get up in the middle of the night if the kids are sick?

    You don't really have a marriage. You have an arrange that he can take or leave as he sees fit, because you will always take him back.

    And ditto the others that this is a really piss poor example to show your kids.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I think you know what needs to be done here. It won't be easy, of course, but its the best thing to do for you and your kids. This man doesn't care about you and your children the way you deserve to be cared for. If he did, he would do whatever it took to be there for you. You can't make someone love you if they don't (ok, now I have that Bonnie Raitt song in my head).

    Go heal yourself emotionally and psychologically. Set a good example for your children of what a healthy, respectful relationship looks like. At the very least, you all deserve that.



    image
  • I feel very sorry for your situation, especially because you sound like a genuinely caring person and when you said "I do" you  meant it. 

    I feel the same as the others who posted.  The only thing I can think you tell you is it doesn't have to be this way, you can be so very happy with the right person; unfortunately, I don't think it's with this guy.  It doesn't sound like he deserves you...at all.

  • It sounds to me like your H is taking advantage of you. Why are you responsible for paying all the household bills? If he lives there, he should be responsible for them, too.

    This is no example to be setting for your kids, either. They need stability and this guy is NOT stable. 

    What does he do/where does he go when he leaves for months on end? Sounds like he may have a separate life you don't know about.

    If he wants to do things "his way", let him. But on his own, without you waiting around for him. Believe him when he says he won't change. Cut your losses and get out now. 

    I'm sorry you are going through this. 

  • Do what's right for your kids.  You may think that are young and might not know everything that is going on, but trust me, a child can see when their mother is being hurt.  Do what's best for your kids.  You will find someone who cares about them just as much as you do. 
  • Why do you want to remain married to man who refuses to make his wife and her welfare (emotional, psychological, etc.) a priority? That's not very fair to you or your kids (they deserve a Mom who is happy).
  • And says he is not changing, this is who he is, and if I dont like it..too bad.

    so, whgat else do you need for him to say to wake up and realize this guy is a douche? How many times do you want to be kicked to the curb before you realize this isnt love? Is this is what you want your kids to learn is how relationships work?

    You are single already,....he is a freeloader who doesnt give a shiot about you or your kids.

    Pick yourself up, gains some fo the self respect back that got you through before and DTMF! He is a useless piece of shiot!

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  • I'd have left him behind in the dust the second I found out he was a mommy's and daddy's boy, let alone the rest of the mess that makes this guy a jerk:

    We had money problems (he's a spender, I'm a saver), he is very dependent on his parents, and they get too involved in our marriage..most is done behind my back. 

    Uh huh. And you did nothing about it when all the action behind the scenes was going on. You have yourself to blame on this one; sorry.

    BTW, paragraphs are your friend.

    Elaborate on this:

     But recently, he has started to change again, into someone this time that is cold, and uncaring at times when speaking to me, he doesnt feel that it is his responsibility to care for me.  He says I'm a grown woman and can care for myself.

    What exactly is he trying to say here? That he won't financially support you OR the kids? Or that you can shift for yourself and he can come and go as he pleases? Either one just SUCKS; he's another one with a character flaw as wide as the Grand Canyon.

    I am also wondering if he is having an affair.

    Get rid of this jerk; indeed he is letting YOU support YOURSELF and that just is dispicable:

    I pay all the household bills, he pays only his bills, cell phone, credit cards, etc..

    A sure fire bet he's spending his money elsewhere, probably on some bird.

    And who knows? The PP is probably right when she pointed out he's got another whole life going on:

    We were separated from Oct 08 to March 09, then my husband left me again in July 09' and while separated it was horrible, we barely talked, he didnt help financially.  I have children from a previous marriage and he nor his parents had any contact with them for the majority of our separation.

    How about an EXPLANATION where the hell you've BEEN for the last several months, buddy...and during this time he didn't even finacially support you??? Something is weird here -- and I'd have made sure the door stayed closed behind his ass. Then again, that's just ME.

    And that their grandparents decided not to speak to them? Gee, like parents like son: what a bunch of pigs.

     

     

     

  • I was in a relationship with a guy who made everything on his own terms. He'd take off and not call for months, refuse to be considerate or caring. But i thought I loved him. Maybe i really did.

    What i realized however, when I finally had enough (and no, we never got married, thank goodness) was that I didn't want that kinda love. It tore me up, made me weak, and presented me with no other option than to be a doormat.

    I understand how much it can hurt to love someone who won't give you back what you put it, but you need to understant that there IS a choice involved. You can choose to get away now, for yourself and for your kids, and you can choose to start to heal and get over him.

    And most importantly, you can choose to wait until you find someone who it doesn't hurt to love.

    You're lucky your already taking care of yourself. You are already miles ahead of some women in bad relationships.

     Good luck!

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  • And he did this 5 months into your marriage --- no happily married man or newlywed man does this.

    Personally, I'd have called it a day when he did that and filed for an annullment.

    GET YOURSELF TESTED. You don't know what you're up against and I also urge you to safeguard your assets. There is no transparency with money -- he's taking his money and he's spending it on who knows what or who knows who else.

    BTW, didn't you and he talk about any vital issues before you were married? Did you discuss how money would be saved and spent after you were married? Evidently you and he didn't "get it" that there is an "OUR MONEY" concept.

    He never emotionally checked into the marriage -- or relationship -- IMO. He takes off on you 5 months after you got married and he repeated the performance again a short time later -- just came and went and no explanation. Might I ask why you found either episode acceptable -- you know, you just rode out the storm until Junior was over his temper tantrum and moved back home and things will be fine again???

     


     

  • Quite honestly I'd concentrate on making sure he did not have any access to my paycheck, credit lines etc and then tell him to leave.

    He's been very clear to you that he does not consider the marriage worth his effort. "I'm not changing. Too bad if you don't like it". Sounds like he is pretty much trying to make you unhappy enough to leave so he looks like the innocent party. You AND your kids deserve so much better!

    Oblige him once you have secured the finances angle and boot his azz.

    When was the last time you checked your credit report to make sure he isn't piling up hidden debts? As a married couple what he incurs the creditors WILL come after you for! Whether you know about it or not, signed for it or not- they will hound you for it!  Personal experience speaking here!!

    Don't be so quick to forgive and forget enough to let him back in when he comes whining to your door for some booty or a place to live. Don't fall for the line 'I need a place to stay, I have nowhere else to go' .

    A marriage is a 'we' thing... not an 'I' or 'Me' thing. He is incapable of making the conversion to partner. Staying in this relationship is teaching your kids that this is how they should treat their partners. Do you really want your children to be this way when they are grown?

    Move on. 

  • Get out now before you waste any more of your life. This man does not love you. He loves only himself & throws a bit your way if & when he feels like it. Marriage is a partnership & you have every right to expect him to contribute to the family. Find a good attorney & then get yourself into some solid individual counseling so you don't choose the wrong guy next time. I'm so sorry.
  • image carrielynnp:
    Get out now before you waste any more of your life. This man does not love you. He loves only himself & throws a bit your way if & when he feels like it. Marriage is a partnership & you have every right to expect him to contribute to the family. Find a good attorney & then get yourself into some solid individual counseling so you don't choose the wrong guy next time. I'm so sorry.

     

    Thank you everyone for all the words of encouragement.  I truly, truly appreciate it.  Answers to a few of the questions asked are, about money, we did talk about money before marriage, and we agreed that we would pay bills together, and save together, but I have learned that my H will say things to quiet me, and then change it later on, whenever he sees fit.  Once we are just far enough into being back together.  About taking him back...I think I have tried to work it out because you hear so much how people just give up on their marriages.  And also, because I didnt want to say I've been divorced twice, or go through the hurt again, or have to pick up the pieces of me and my kids lives again.  I dont have any good reasons, just a lot of excuses I think.  I've realized for myself, what happens in these situations is my reality has become what my H makes of it in certain situations.  And I've let it happen.  He can explain away just about anything.  For instance...he got in touch with quite a few of his ex girlfriends, joined a dating service while we were separated, and became very close friends with a woman who works in the same building as him.  They were texting quite frequently, but it was drilled into me that they are just friends, he would tell me she is ugly, and overweight.  I never checked into any of this until recently, and found her on fb through a mutual friends friend list.  And to my surprise..sort of..she was very young, and very attractive.  It took all my will to not message her and see if there was ever anything between her and my husband.  But if we are going to end things, I didnt want the hurt to be that much more for myself, so I chose not to contact her.  I know I need to find strength in myself, for my children and we need to move on and make a fresh start.  I have to let go of the memories of the man he was when we were dating, because he has made it so clear that he is not, nor will he ever be that man again.  Its a sad end to something that I should have ended the first time he left.  He treated me like a nobody while separated, and we've never gotten back to a real relationship...he** idk if we ever had a real relationship?  Or if I just saw in him what I needed to see?  Thank goodness we have no children together.  I am a good mom, I love my children dearly and I know we will be okay.  Thank you all again.  I have a lot of soul searching to do. 

  • imoanimoan
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments
    member
    image Robin&Dusty:

    image carrielynnp:
    Get out now before you waste any more of your life. This man does not love you. He loves only himself & throws a bit your way if & when he feels like it. Marriage is a partnership & you have every right to expect him to contribute to the family. Find a good attorney & then get yourself into some solid individual counseling so you don't choose the wrong guy next time. I'm so sorry.

     

    Thank you everyone for all the words of encouragement.  I truly, truly appreciate it.  Answers to a few of the questions asked are, about money, we did talk about money before marriage, and we agreed that we would pay bills together, and save together, but I have learned that my H will say things to quiet me, and then change it later on, whenever he sees fit.  Once we are just far enough into being back together.  About taking him back...I think I have tried to work it out because you hear so much how people just give up on their marriages.  And also, because I didnt want to say I've been divorced twice, or go through the hurt again, or have to pick up the pieces of me and my kids lives again.  I dont have any good reasons, just a lot of excuses I think.  I've realized for myself, what happens in these situations is my reality has become what my H makes of it in certain situations.  And I've let it happen.  He can explain away just about anything.  For instance...he got in touch with quite a few of his ex girlfriends, joined a dating service while we were separated, and became very close friends with a woman who works in the same building as him.  They were texting quite frequently, but it was drilled into me that they are just friends, he would tell me she is ugly, and overweight.  I never checked into any of this until recently, and found her on fb through a mutual friends friend list.  And to my surprise..sort of..she was very young, and very attractive.  It took all my will to not message her and see if there was ever anything between her and my husband.  But if we are going to end things, I didnt want the hurt to be that much more for myself, so I chose not to contact her.  I know I need to find strength in myself, for my children and we need to move on and make a fresh start.  I have to let go of the memories of the man he was when we were dating, because he has made it so clear that he is not, nor will he ever be that man again.  Its a sad end to something that I should have ended the first time he left.  He treated me like a nobody while separated, and we've never gotten back to a real relationship...he** idk if we ever had a real relationship?  Or if I just saw in him what I needed to see?  Thank goodness we have no children together.  I am a good mom, I love my children dearly and I know we will be okay.  Thank you all again.  I have a lot of soul searching to do. 

    Good luck!  Come back if you need any advice or just to vent!  We're pretty much always here (or on TIP)

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • Thank you everyone for all the words of encouragement.  I truly, truly appreciate it.  Answers to a few of the questions asked are, about money, we did talk about money before marriage, and we agreed that we would pay bills together, and save together, but I have learned that my H will say things to quiet me, and then change it later on, whenever he sees fit.  Once we are just far enough into being back together.  About taking him back...I think I have tried to work it out because you hear so much how people just give up on their marriages.  And also, because I didnt want to say I've been divorced twice, or go through the hurt again, or have to pick up the pieces of me and my kids lives again.  I dont have any good reasons, just a lot of excuses I think.  I've realized for myself, what happens in these situations is my reality has become what my H makes of it in certain situations.  And I've let it happen.  He can explain away just about anything.  For instance...he got in touch with quite a few of his ex girlfriends, joined a dating service while we were separated, and became very close friends with a woman who works in the same building as him.  They were texting quite frequently, but it was drilled into me that they are just friends, he would tell me she is ugly, and overweight.  I never checked into any of this until recently, and found her on fb through a mutual friends friend list.  And to my surprise..sort of..she was very young, and very attractive.  It took all my will to not message her and see if there was ever anything between her and my husband.  But if we are going to end things, I didnt want the hurt to be that much more for myself, so I chose not to contact her.  I know I need to find strength in myself, for my children and we need to move on and make a fresh start.  I have to let go of the memories of the man he was when we were dating, because he has made it so clear that he is not, nor will he ever be that man again.  Its a sad end to something that I should have ended the first time he left.  He treated me like a nobody while separated, and we've never gotten back to a real relationship...he** idk if we ever had a real relationship?  Or if I just saw in him what I needed to see?  Thank goodness we have no children together.  I am a good mom, I love my children dearly and I know we will be okay.  Thank you all again.  I have a lot of soul searching to do. 

    Hell, Dusty (Or Robin, whichever you are) there's nothing here to save.

    A happily married man DOES NOT go out and join a dating service.

    Nor does he rekindle the flame with his exGFs.

    Nor does he become "friends" with a woman from work...and he's also a liar. He told you she was fat and ugly and blah blah to appease you. He's told you pretty much anything to appease you.

    Based on that, kick him to the curb: you have no assurance he was not intimate with any of these women --- or was not out having the time of his life during one of his many flights of fancy.

    He treated you like a nobody during your separation? He's treating you like a nobody RIGHT NOW. Again, no happily married man acts the way he does.

    And considering you were divorced twice, you should have made it a must to get lots of premarital counseling on your own before you even considered getting serious with another guy.

    Get rid of this scumbag. He's such a stud that he contacted the ex gfs and joined a dating service? then they can HAVE him. You need him like a fish needs a bicycle.

    Just askin'....did he ever come up with an exact reason why he left twice and did he provide solid evidence where he was during those jaunts of his? Willing to bet he did not or he gave you another *** and bull story about where he was during that time.

     

     

  • From your blog as of end of November:

    Dusty & I got married in Cancun, Mexico May 3, 2008.  It was a beautiful wedding!!  We were so lucky to have family and friends who were able to attend and share our special day with us.  But, we recently separated on Oct 22, 2008 and he is now living with his parents.  We are trying to work on things, but neither of us is even sure where exactly we went wrong?  I dont know if we were so caught up in the wedding planning that it over shadowed the problems we were having with communication, trust, money, and family issues.  I dont want my marriage to be over, but I have no idea how to fix it?  To make matters worse for me, I recently found out he has been texting his ex-girlfriend, and started doing so 4 days after leaving me and my two children.  They were friends before we met, almost too close of friends.  He gave the friendship up because of our relationship, because it was making me uncomfortable and now I dont know what to think of the constant texting I found they've been doing.  It was around 190 texts from 10/26-11/11.  Thats a lot of talking between friends!  He says he can lean on her and she understands him, where he feels I dont.  That is very hurtful for a wife to hear.  We start counseling tomorrow night and hope all goes well with that.   But with this new situation of another person involved I'm not sure what will happen?  Has anyone else been through a similar situation?  Any help, prayers, thoughts would be appreciated! 

    =============

    He can talk to her but not you???

    Wow, when are you going to stop playing the martyr, grow a spine and some balls and kick his ass OUT THE DOOR??????

    This bullshit keeps happening over and over and over again: he tells you what you want to hear and you believe it and he gets to do whatever he wants. Nice respect a husband has for a wife.

    And ugh...if that was true that he was with his parents, what kind of a man runs to his mommy and daddy when he's unhappy with his wife?? And wtf? His parents didn't say "your ass can't stay here; work on your marriage; your place is with your wife and not us" and close the door in his face??? What kind of weirdo kook parents are these???

    I am willing to bet that this jerk never once lived on his own -- he probably went straight from his mommy's house right to yours...am I correct??? That is a whole other problem in itself if that's what the story was.

     

  • Also- if he talks you into sharing a lawyer... Make sure YOU are the one who contacts and sets up the appointment. This obligates the attorney to be YOUR advocate, not his! It does not matter who pays the attorney- it matters who makes first contact and sets up the first meeting!  

    If he calls and makes the attorney appointment then the attorney is obligated to do what is needed to get everything attorney  can for  him and will screw you.

  • image Myna:

    Also- if he talks you into sharing a lawyer... Make sure YOU are the one who contacts and sets up the appointment. This obligates the attorney to be YOUR advocate, not his! It does not matter who pays the attorney- it matters who makes first contact and sets up the first meeting!  

    If he calls and makes the attorney appointment then the attorney is obligated to do what is needed to get everything attorney  can for  him and will screw you.

    Myna, I don't believe a shared lawyer is possible -- it's a conflict of interest. Can't represent them both.

  • imoanimoan
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments
    member
    image TarponMonoxide:
    image Myna:

    Also- if he talks you into sharing a lawyer... Make sure YOU are the one who contacts and sets up the appointment. This obligates the attorney to be YOUR advocate, not his! It does not matter who pays the attorney- it matters who makes first contact and sets up the first meeting!  

    If he calls and makes the attorney appointment then the attorney is obligated to do what is needed to get everything attorney  can for  him and will screw you.

    Myna, I don't believe a shared lawyer is possible -- it's a conflict of interest. Can't represent them both.

    This.  Hell, when H and I were in the process of setting up our pre-nup before we got married, we had to have two completely separate lawyers (I don't even think they were allowed to be in the same office) because it was a conflict of interest.  And that was in the process of planning to get married... nevermind in the process of a divorce!!!

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • I would kick him out and tell him not to come back until he's willing to stand up and be a man.  If he doesn't, then you know it wasn't meant to be.

    Do you want to be this unhappy for the rest of our life?  Or even worse, put your beautiful children through something like this?  Sometimes it's best to leave those behind who don't make a positive mark in your life.

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