Sex & Romance
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Why won't my wife touch herself?

I have been with the same sweet, sexy women for 8 years, and as good as our sexlife is, I think it could be better if she loosened up.  She says she's never masturbated, and I believe her.  She is not shy, and gives her all when making love, but something about it makes her feel uncomfortable.  She recently accepted my direction to touch herself while we're at it, but she doesn't carry it too far.  I'd like to give her all there is to enjoy, but I think there's a door I can't seem to unlock.  Can anybody relate?    

Re: Why won't my wife touch herself?

  • no sorry i can not relate but your wife may of been told that masturbating is wrong, disgusting. Try talking to her about it more. 

    Also maybe she is just not into it, but i think being told it is wrong is more the problem. 

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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  • She needs to watch the movie Fried Green Tomatoes!:)

    My guess is she perhaps grew up in a home where sex was viewed rigidly and only "for those who are married" and masturbation was thought of as dirty. 

    Can't you try touching her --- maybe start with a little while you guys are into foreplay -- tell her you won't do anything that'll make her uncomfortable.

  • I touch the hell out of her, she asks me to - it's just that SHE can't do it.  I know it's strange right?  She also hates to think about me doing myself without her around.  I can almost understand that, if she's jealous that I'm enjoying something she can't, but hell, she should be willing to try right?  I'm thinking of bringing a toy into the situation - she's not opposed to me touching her, maybe she won't be opposed to something else touching her too - baby steps? 
  • She somehow "needs" the permission to go ahead and masturbate.

    There is  a book about masturbation -- Sex For One - The Joy of Self Loving. Why not get her a copy?

  • I dont really like my H doing it with out me.  But, its just that, doing it with out me.  I want in on the action!  As far as your wife goes, for me, I'd sooo much rather have my husband do the touching. It feels way better. 

    I agree with the other poster, its probably from her up bringing.  Maybe you try taking her hand and do it together?

  • I have to say, this is my first day on the boards, and you are all friggin awesome.  What a great source.  Thank you!

    Anybody have any comments on the toy idea?

  • raeynraeyn member

    I don't particularly enjoy touching myself, so I never masturbate with my hand. I've never thought of it as wrong/immoral/icky, I just don't get much out of it. When we're having sex sometimes DH will tell me to touch myself and I will because he likes to see it, but it's not for me. That said, I do masturbate with a vibe. I think introducing a non-threatening vibrator that you can use on her is a great idea. You could hold it and ask her to move your hand to where it feels best. She may be surprised by how good it feels and eventually she may start to use it by herself.

    This is my favorite one to use with my husband because it doesn't get in the way: http://snipurl.com/uw4fy

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  • Maybe she feels a little too much on display?  When you want her to touch herself what are you doing? Are you sitting back watching? Are you touching yourself? are you playing with other parts of her? She might feel too vulnerable.  I'd start with telling her to touch herself when you're actually having sex, it's a little more natural and less "hi look at me doing this".  The toy idea might work too but you should make sure you run that one past her first, if she's not good with masturbation she might not be comfortable with toys,. I'd suggest you go to the sex store together to find something too.

    Really though just make sure she's comfortable, you can push a little bit but if she's feeling forced to do things that she doesn't want to do you're not going to get anywhere.

  • Let me just say, I can completely relate with your wife. When my husband and I got married he wanted me to start touching myself and I just couldn't do it. There was just something about it that I felt was wrong and horrible.  I also had the issue of him doing it without me around. I really have no explanation to why, but there was just something inside of me that told me it was morally wrong.

     One night my husband and I decided to sit down and talk about it since it was bothering both of us.  In the end, we decided to start out slow with it and start with a toy. So my husband went out and bought a dildo for Valentine's Day.  Let me just say, our sex life has never been better.  We started with him using it on me, and then I gave it a try. Needless to say the problem of touching myself is gone.  

     What really helped I think was that my husband was completely understanding and patient with me until I was completely comfortable with it.  He also helped by telling me it is completely natural and it's not like I was doing it as an act against him, but it actually ended up turning him on even more. I think if you just sit down talk with her and you are understanding it will really help.

     Hope it helps!  

  • I agree with a lot of the post on here. Talk to her about it, but don't push it. If you push to much it will probably make the situation worse. My husband and I shop together for toys, and I think that brought our sex life to another level. You should try the website Pureromance.com They have a lot of great toys, books, and pretty much everything else someone might want. Not to mention its private.
  • It took me a long time to actually masturbate myself.  I was embarrassed about it.  And especially to do it in front of someone (even you, her husband) she may feel even more embarrassed.

     I recommend buying her a non-threatening toy (something like a little vibrating bullet) and YOU try it out on HER first.

     If you are afraid of scaring her with that - why you are pleasuring her with your fingers ask her how she likes it/what she wants you to do and subtly suggest she put her hand over yours to show you.  Perhaps you can get away with slipping your hand out underneath and letting her go to town.

  • I can't even believe this is a serious post.

    Maybe your wife just doesn't WANT to masturbate. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And maybe she doesn't want you to force her to do it! Give the woman a break. If she gives her all to you sexually, why ask for more? Is what she's giving you not good enough? Maybe you should just DEAL WITH HER NOT WANTING TO DO THAT. Get over it!

    KyraNerys
  • i am 29 and i have never masterbated. i never plan on doing it either...just not my thing. i don't view it as "wrong", i just don't want to do it and she may not either.
  • image vivalarevolution:

    I can't even believe this is a serious post.

    Maybe your wife just doesn't WANT to masturbate. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And maybe she doesn't want you to force her to do it! Give the woman a break. If she gives her all to you sexually, why ask for more? Is what she's giving you not good enough? Maybe you should just DEAL WITH HER NOT WANTING TO DO THAT. Get over it!

    Wow.  That was rather harsh!  Give the guy a break...why would you not take something like this seriously?  I think it's great that people have a place to come to and discuss personal issues such as this without knowing each other.  It's nice to hear if and when someone feels the same as you or is experiencing similar things.  Who are you to judge?!  There's nothing wrong in getting advice in how to spice things up in the bedroom.  If it works, great!  If not, then at least he knows he's tried and can move on from it.  Geesh.....

  • image martinilove:
    image vivalarevolution:

    I can't even believe this is a serious post.

    Maybe your wife just doesn't WANT to masturbate. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And maybe she doesn't want you to force her to do it! Give the woman a break. If she gives her all to you sexually, why ask for more? Is what she's giving you not good enough? Maybe you should just DEAL WITH HER NOT WANTING TO DO THAT. Get over it!

    Wow.  That was rather harsh!  Give the guy a break...why would you not take something like this seriously?  I think it's great that people have a place to come to and discuss personal issues such as this without knowing each other.  It's nice to hear if and when someone feels the same as you or is experiencing similar things.  Who are you to judge?!  There's nothing wrong in getting advice in how to spice things up in the bedroom.  If it works, great!  If not, then at least he knows he's tried and can move on from it.  Geesh.....

    Yes 

  • image jayma129:

    I have to say, this is my first day on the boards, and you are all friggin awesome.  What a great source.  Thank you!

    Anybody have any comments on the toy idea?

    So you say you're a guy.  But yet your asking for toy comments.  Are you kidding me?  I don't think i'm buying this story.
    KyraNerys
  • My wife is the same way! She just doesn't like to touch herself. She says it just doesn't feel right and would rather have me do it. I don't push it and since I don't she'll suprise me sometimes and do it on her own. In return I usually do something I'm not crazy about like a back rub first or cuddling afterwards, typical for most guys I think. I think if you have a good sex life with good communication it's all about compromise.  I think the toy idea is good though. Would she be open to that or freaked out? We got one of those little vibrating bullets and it sure saves me a ton of work, especially after a long day of work. She doesn't really like using that on her own but who cares, can't have it all!   Good luck!
  • image vivalarevolution:

    I can't even believe this is a serious post.

    Maybe your wife just doesn't WANT to masturbate. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And maybe she doesn't want you to force her to do it! Give the woman a break. If she gives her all to you sexually, why ask for more? Is what she's giving you not good enough? Maybe you should just DEAL WITH HER NOT WANTING TO DO THAT. Get over it!

    Hmm  someone has an issue with masturbation??!?!?

     

    DH likes to watch me do it but I feel overly exposed and would much rather him do it.  That could be her issue.  I wouldn't force the issue though.  As for toys, you BOTH should check out adam and eve.com(I think that is the right).  

    GL!

  • image psycotic_penguin:

    no sorry i can not relate but your wife may of been told that masturbating is wrong, disgusting. Try talking to her about it more. 

    Also maybe she is just not into it, but i think being told it is wrong is more the problem. 

     

    Totally with her on this one. Old school moms are the ones to feed our heads. No masturbating, no oral sex, no sex during your period. Many taboos!

  • image jayma129:
    I touch the hell out of her, she asks me to - it's just that SHE can't do it.  I know it's strange right?  She also hates to think about me doing myself without her around.  I can almost understand that, if she's jealous that I'm enjoying something she can't, but hell, she should be willing to try right?  I'm thinking of bringing a toy into the situation - she's not opposed to me touching her, maybe she won't be opposed to something else touching her too - baby steps? 

    Alcohol. 

    I was pretty similar - I never masturbated until I was dating DH.  I felt embarrassed, but once I realized how much he liked it, that made all the difference.

  • 1st I have a question- does she let you "touch" her? If so does she enjoy it maybe she is just not into it. Different strokes for different folks. Have you tried telling her how sexy she is and how turned on u would be? I do stuff that I wouldn't do just to make my husband sexually happy cause if I don't who going doi it?
  • Maybe she just doesn't like to?
    KyraNerys
  • My husband and I are pretty comfortable with our sex life.  We watch porn, talk dirty, and have a few toys.  However, there are times I feel embarrassed or vulnerable when I know he is watching the faces I make.  He tells me he likes the faces, but I still feel embarrassed and awkward.
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  • I would be so hurt if my husband was on here talking about this...

     Anyways, she probably just doesn't want to do so! Tell her it would turn you on; maybe she will in time.

    "Love is an act of endless forgiveness; a tender look that becomes a habit." Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • MrParkerMrParker
    First Comment
    newb
    edited October 2015

    Hey There Friend,



    You should know that some women go through their whole lives without actually knowing how to sexually satisfy themselves. It's very common, and you can even notice characteristics and traits of such women. Some even go as far to say that some girls will become sexual woman, but others may just remain as girls for their whole lives and never actually become a real sexual woman if they never achieve orgasm which is a horrible thing to say. All women are women, period.

     

    You may have heard the argument that women just don't know how to get along? 

     

    There are two different types of women, and the one you have is a good wife. She’s the best wife, and you need to tell her that every day, and build her confidence. Tell her she’s beautiful, sexy, and go buy her a summer dress tomorrow for no reason at all.

     

    The type of woman you have is very special, and you have to respect, honor, and love her for whom she is, but above all, if you can't resolve this issue... After all the possible solutions posted on this board has been tried... Then you have to let her find her own sexual independence alone and not pressure her anymore; otherwise, this will destroy your marriage.

     

    The majority of most men achieve orgasm, and they do like to have an orgasm at the same time with their spouses. This act is special, and requires a couple to be sexually connected with one another which is an extremely heightened level of intelligence between spouses and is very much misrepresented in the society that we live in today. A lot of women will never understand the importance for this, and will state this as an unnecessary requirement in life - orgasm. But, it's extremely important, it promotes heterosexuality, and the family unit in general.

     

    It doesn't matter how sexual connection is accomplished. You and your wife could be looking at one another from across the room, touching yourselves independently with intention to sweat, bite, lick, and climax. Draw a line, and none of you cross it, but keep your eyes on each other. This fundamental practice is used with the only intention of sexual self-stimulation and achieving orgasm together by turning the other spouse on with your desires and facial expressions. She could be undressing in lingerie, with her actions to be completely independent of yours, so that you can achieve sexual satisfaction. Overall, she should be able to achieve a sexual orgasm too.  But, she's gonna have to really want it. You should do your best too. Wear a suit and tie with your actions to be independent of hers, so that she can enjoy watching and hopefully achieve sexual satisfaction/orgasm. She can't be afraid anymore to be sexually aroused around you anymore and must allow your sexual desires, to penetrate a new need for lust, and the overall need to orgasm. The purposed couple may have not actually touched one another, but they were sexually connected. If they were both able to achieve orgasm from across the room – for some people this is a very big deal - the future sexual intentions of actual togetherness, physical touch, and mutual stimulation knows no boundaries, and yes, this is a complete state of higher consciousness with your spouse.

     

    What happens is, in the bedroom, you feel like you are the only one trying; otherwise, you wouldn’t be pressuring her to masturbate. I know you want your wife to be on your sexual level. This is a healthy, and you are good husband for caring. Educate yourself with sexual knowledge that you would find in at a local Barnes in Noble bookstore, and know that some chauvinist husbands may not care about this, and are fine with just dinner on the table at seven. These men are either ignorant to this problem or they are intentionally maintaining their wives just as they are - it's true. Some father's don't want their little girls to grow up in to sexual women, and in some cultures... What they deliberately do to women's bodies... It's just evil. But, I know you want more for your wife, and that makes you a good husband. Most men don't care or even try, and personally... I believe it's doing a lot of damage to the family unit. Keep this issue to yourself, and don’t allow anyone to get involved sexually with your wife. It doesn’t matter what they claim to know or promise, and stay away from strip clubs. There's a difference in women who know how to sexual stimulate themselves, and some know how to use it to their advantage. Those women know what they’re doing, and they’ll make you pay for it.

     

    Regardless of strip clubs, and women who can achieve orgasm. I'm sure you still find that your wife is awesome in the bedroom, and is a loving, probably generous, and will be the only sexual partner for the rest of your life. I'm sure she is, but your question really states that she will not accomplish self-sexual discovery. My friend, after everything I’ve said, if she can’t do it then you have to let it go. Make money, be successful, but never stop educating yourself to be an amazing lover. When your wife is ready to try, then she will be ready to try. 

     

    Let go of the sexually repressed, over-controlling, why woman ever can't get along stereotypes. What you got to do is workout, run, hit the gym, make money, and be the best man you can be independently. Your wife will notice this and become more sexually attracted to you! You see where this is going…Sex never stops in life.



    Make love not war is a powerful statement because everyone can have sex, but not everyone knows how to make love. Climaxing together is an imperative for achieving pure ecstasy, bliss, self-contentment, and even peace within the family household. Some families live their whole lives without believing or knowing this important truth. As we age, spouses who don't try or even respect this goal often grow sexually frustrated, unsatisfied, argue more, and eventually display an overall horrible picture of what heterosexual monogamy/marriage is to their children. 

     

    Right now, you are doing a lot of climaxing and sexual work. This can lead to you becoming sexually dependent of her, she will use this as a controlling tool/method in the relationship, and she will never have the desire to touch herself as she ages more in life as long as you are sexually dependent of her. You and your wife have to be on the same team! Right now we are blooming in nature, and we have chosen our spouses, and eventually all of our petals will fall to the ground. Take advantage of the time you have, and be the husband you vowed to be with all the patience you have. Understand that you are more sexually advanced, but that doesn't mean she can't fulfill all of your sexual desires, but that's never it is it... It's the sexual connection that you want with your wife. Use precaution with your language, you'll scare her otherwise. In the meantime, love, honor, and respect the most beautiful person in your life… Your wife, and she'll come around, and If she doesn't, oh well... Always keep your eyes to her when you make love to her, and when she looks away or becomes frustrated with only getting just wet, or even worse no longer wants to even try to come/orgasm.... You must keep confident. I know it hurts. You want connect with your wife on that level. Why would she turn away you might ask? Because if she's not sexually satisfied then sex becomes like a mortgage bill, a chore/responsibility she must fulfill, and she can refinance that loan until it's bought and paid, but there is no real tangible reward. Sex is the most beautiful free blessing we get in this life. Shared sexual stimulation with your spouse is not a responsibility. It's the best joy that one can achieve in this life, and it's free of charge, but requires both partners to engage in real sexual intimacy together. Don't lose the joy of sex in your marriage because that's very real - it can happen. If she's not getting satisfied, whether she knows it or not, then she will find other ways to achieve joy - e.g. food, shopping/clothes, traveling, crafts, hobbies, or just being too involved in her own children's lives. She'll get bored, and If another man gives her attention - an insult can be seductful after years of compliments by a husband - buys her drinks after 12 years of marriage, and she acts out in ways that you’ve always wanted… Well… You have to be a man, and know your responsibilities as a husband. She is a girl, and girls do become women. It’s just different, timing, sex, love, trust, and sexual willingness… Keep this to yourself, and never be paranoid or jealous while she’s finding her sexuality. It will destroy you.

     

    Does she grind her teeth at night, or does she know how to make her bubble gum go pop? Can you live with it? Yes, you can. Be the man she needs you to be, she doesn't know it yet, but that's why she married you.

     

    This is a very serious issue among men, and we don't talk about it.

     

    I’m sure this man’s wife loves him with all of her heart.

     

    I don’t doubt he loves her too.

     

    Guys don’t talk about this.

     

    This post will eventually be deleted.

     

    - Parker

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