Married Life

Anyone's relationship work through cheating?

I'm worried about my friend.  Her FI cheated on her, and she wants to work through it, and believes in her heart that this is the right thing to do.  She's self confident and successful, and is completely in love with this man.  I'm not asking for advice for her, she's been soliciting much advice and many opinions from friends.  They are talking through things a lot.

My question is if anyone has gotten through this and made it through happily in the end.  I want to be supportive of her, and would be interested in anyone's stories of success after this ....

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Re: Anyone's relationship work through cheating?

  • That is my marriage right now. DH cheated on me twice before we were married, and then last year (while we were married). We had some counseling, just with our religious leader, not professional. It has been a year since, and we are doing wonderful, a total 180 degree turn around. That is not to say that we didn't argue, fight and wonder if working on us was the best solution. It takes a lot of communicating on both parties. I had to know ALL the facts, and if I had questions, my DH knew that I would ask, no matter how hard it was for both of us. We needed to get things in the open. But it also helps if BOTH want to work on the marriage, if it is only one person in the marriage wanting, it won't work as well/ if at all. Begin there for your friend is the best thing you can do. Just to be her should to lean on, and an ear for her to talk to. I woudln't have made it through any of the last year if it wouldn't have been for my closest friends, just being there when I needed them. Granted they didn't agree fully with my descion to work it out, but they realized that it was MY decision, and I just needed support. A true friend will just be there to support. Good luck. I'm routing for her!
  • image mmedusa8:
    That is my marriage right now. DH cheated on me twice before we were married, and then last year (while we were married). We had some counseling, just with our religious leader, not professional. It has been a year since, and we are doing wonderful, a total 180 degree turn around. That is not to say that we didn't argue, fight and wonder if working on us was the best solution. It takes a lot of communicating on both parties. I had to know ALL the facts, and if I had questions, my DH knew that I would ask, no matter how hard it was for both of us. We needed to get things in the open. But it also helps if BOTH want to work on the marriage, if it is only one person in the marriage wanting, it won't work as well/ if at all. Begin there for your friend is the best thing you can do. Just to be her should to lean on, and an ear for her to talk to. I woudln't have made it through any of the last year if it wouldn't have been for my closest friends, just being there when I needed them. Granted they didn't agree fully with my descion to work it out, but they realized that it was MY decision, and I just needed support. A true friend will just be there to support. Good luck. I'm routing for her!

    You do realize that he will cheat again right? He cheated two times before you married him--- and yet you married him. Then he cheats while married to you and yet you stay.

    Why not just put a big sign on your head that says "it's okay if you fvck other people honey, I'm too stupid to leave"?? 

  • image mmedusa8:
    That is my marriage right now. DH cheated on me twice before we were married, and then last year (while we were married). We had some counseling, just with our religious leader, not professional. It has been a year since, and we are doing wonderful, a total 180 degree turn around. That is not to say that we didn't argue, fight and wonder if working on us was the best solution. It takes a lot of communicating on both parties. I had to know ALL the facts, and if I had questions, my DH knew that I would ask, no matter how hard it was for both of us. We needed to get things in the open. But it also helps if BOTH want to work on the marriage, if it is only one person in the marriage wanting, it won't work as well/ if at all. Begin there for your friend is the best thing you can do. Just to be her should to lean on, and an ear for her to talk to. I woudln't have made it through any of the last year if it wouldn't have been for my closest friends, just being there when I needed them. Granted they didn't agree fully with my descion to work it out, but they realized that it was MY decision, and I just needed support. A true friend will just be there to support. Good luck. I'm routing for her!

     

    did you know about the cheating before marrying him or did you find out about all 3 times at once?

  • image MsEmma1980:

    I'm worried about my friend.  Her FI cheated on her, and she wants to work through it, and believes in her heart that this is the right thing to do.  She's self confident and successful, and is completely in love with this man.  I'm not asking for advice for her, she's been soliciting much advice and many opinions from friends.  They are talking through things a lot.

    My question is if anyone has gotten through this and made it through happily in the end.  I want to be supportive of her, and would be interested in anyone's stories of success after this ....

    my cousin cheated on her husband once about 4 years ago and she felt guilty and told him. They had a rough time but they are doing really well now. We are super close and I watched her fall apart with guilt. It was a stupid lapse in judgement and I don't believe she will ever screw up again.

  • well, I had to know when I answer someone in need, that I would get blasted too. Nice. Well, I only knew about one, while we were dating, and that is DATING. no ring no nothing, DATING. And I was in a different state, so it wasn't really serious, but still hurt. He confessed to me last year that he slept with another one night stand while we were dating in diff states, and the one night stand while we were married AND SEPERATED. I didn't feel I had to indulge everything personal, so I only told the VERY SHORT version, so someone who asked a question. Back when we were dating he went through all the things he needed to "religious wise", went on a mission, we were married in the temple (which if you haven't confessed everything then you can't go) I knew his history. (hence the word HISTORY) who doesn't have that.
  • Whoa, that's one seriously sinning LDS dude.

  • Yes he is, and is paying for it. "x"'d. But is going through the steps to work back towards it. He was drunk. He hasn't asked for forgiveness from me yet, but it happened. What people can't change? I think some do some don't, and we don't have kids and aren't trying. Marriage first. if it doesn't work then it doesn't. Still working on it.
  • Wait... you are working through it and he hasn't asked for forgiveness yet? Wtf? That doesn't really sound like my definition of working through.
    image
  • image stpetegirl:
    Wait... you are working through it and he hasn't asked for forgiveness yet? Wtf? That doesn't really sound like my definition of working through.

    They were on a BREAK!

    image
  • This last one that happened now over a year ago. He still feels guilty. He has said sorry, and doesn't expect me to forgive him. I have but he wants to be able to forgive himself first. I guess that is what I meant to say. we will still have counsling, which is good because we can work out our frustrations/problems. But it has been going so good that like I said earlier 180 degree difference from how our marriage was before. (even before he screwed up) All I was letting the OP know was that it was possible for relationships to work after cheating. Another poster said the same thing about her cousin cheating on her H. And they are working through it and are doing good. She had just screwed up. And she believes her cousin won't do it again. Things are possible.
  • image mmedusa8:
    This last one that happened now over a year ago. He still feels guilty. He has said sorry, and doesn't expect me to forgive him. I have but he wants to be able to forgive himself first. I guess that is what I meant to say. we will still have counsling, which is good because we can work out our frustrations/problems. But it has been going so good that like I said earlier 180 degree difference from how our marriage was before. (even before he screwed up) All I was letting the OP know was that it was possible for relationships to work after cheating. Another poster said the same thing about her cousin cheating on her H. And they are working through it and are doing good. She had just screwed up. And she believes her cousin won't do it again. Things are possible.

    You're a fool. He hasn't asked for forgiveness because he doesn't feel he needs it. 

  • uh read please before you bash I said I have forgiven, he doesn't want my forgiveness yet until he has forgiven himself, because he knows how wrong he was. He doesn't want to hear that I forgive him. He knows I have. But he isn't ready to forgive himself. That has nothing to say about him asking me for mine. He knows he has mine. His conflict is with himself.
  • I just wanted to say good luck to you mmedusa.  Everyone has to make their own decisions regarding their own relationships.  If everything works out in the end then I'm very happy for you.  If it doesn't, it was still your decision to make. 
  • Thank you, I really appreciate that instead of getting bashed. Like you said it was my decision to make. People really don't know how they will handle the situation in it until they are there. It is rough, but thank you for saying that. Every situation is different.
  • image mmedusa8:
    This last one that happened now over a year ago. He still feels guilty. He has said sorry, and doesn't expect me to forgive him. I have but he wants to be able to forgive himself first. I guess that is what I meant to say. we will still have counsling, which is good because we can work out our frustrations/problems. But it has been going so good that like I said earlier 180 degree difference from how our marriage was before. (even before he screwed up) All I was letting the OP know was that it was possible for relationships to work after cheating. Another poster said the same thing about her cousin cheating on her H. And they are working through it and are doing good. She had just screwed up. And she believes her cousin won't do it again. Things are possible.

    I'm not trying to bash you, but this part is confusing me.  If it were me, I'd want to be forgiven from the person that I wronged before I even thought of forgiving myself.  Doing it the other way around seems like he's saying, "Well, I'm ok with what I did.  You can forgive me or not."

     

  • I have forgiven him and he knows it. But also you have to know the kind of person he is. when he does something to hurt me in anyway, whether a simple fight/argument. He takes it really really rough. When I get over to move past it (I can't live happy dweling on things, so I have moved on) It wasn't like I forgave him as soon as he told me. NO way. It took a long time. He is also going through our religious steps of forgiveness too, and that is all for him, has nothing to do with me. He is NOT okay with what he did. Don't think I'm saying that. He knows it isn't okay. He knows I forgave him, he is just really guilty, and it is harder for him to forgive himself knowing he hurt me.
  • image mmedusa8:
    I have forgiven him and he knows it. But also you have to know the kind of person he is. when he does something to hurt me in anyway, whether a simple fight/argument. He takes it really really rough. When I get over to move past it (I can't live happy dweling on things, so I have moved on) It wasn't like I forgave him as soon as he told me. NO way. It took a long time. He is also going through our religious steps of forgiveness too, and that is all for him, has nothing to do with me. He is NOT okay with what he did. Don't think I'm saying that. He knows it isn't okay. He knows I forgave him, he is just really guilty, and it is harder for him to forgive himself knowing he hurt me.

    But if he knew how much it hurt you the first time and that it wasn't ok, why did he do it again and again? 

  • So it's not your H's fault he stuck his peen into another woman's vag on three separate occasions (that you know of), it's demon rum's fault? Or is it the fault of whoever was holding a gun to his head and forcing him to drink?
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I didn't say I didn't blame. He was wrong. He was very wrong. It was three. i've met them. he is fully to blame. He was young and stupid when he did it the first time. I'm still not saying he isn't to blame. he was running with very bad crowds. And we were a few states away and sort of dating. So what he did when we were dating, hurt, but that isn't like we were fully committed in a marriage. That is such a worse feeling.
  • image mmedusa8:
    I have forgiven him and he knows it. But also you have to know the kind of person he is. when he does something to hurt me in anyway, whether a simple fight/argument. He takes it really really rough. When I get over to move past it (I can't live happy dweling on things, so I have moved on) It wasn't like I forgave him as soon as he told me. NO way. It took a long time. He is also going through our religious steps of forgiveness too, and that is all for him, has nothing to do with me. He is NOT okay with what he did. Don't think I'm saying that. He knows it isn't okay. He knows I forgave him, he is just really guilty, and it is harder for him to forgive himself knowing he hurt me.

    You have every right to make your own decisions and I don't expect you to explain or defend them to me.  I just want to say from an outsiders perspective, it sounds like he does not respect you.  Putting himself in that type of position and allowing that to happen THREE times shows a lack of regard for your feelings and for your marriage to say the least.  You do have a right to expect better than that, and there ARE men who will give you better. 

  • image mmedusa8:
    This last one that happened now over a year ago. He still feels guilty. He has said sorry, and doesn't expect me to forgive him. I have but he wants to be able to forgive himself first. I guess that is what I meant to say. we will still have counsling, which is good because we can work out our frustrations/problems. But it has been going so good that like I said earlier 180 degree difference from how our marriage was before. (even before he screwed up) All I was letting the OP know was that it was possible for relationships to work after cheating. Another poster said the same thing about her cousin cheating on her H. And they are working through it and are doing good. She had just screwed up. And she believes her cousin won't do it again. Things are possible.

     

    She said her cousin cheated 1x, NOT 3!!! there is a huge difference~! 1x could be a mistake 3x's is a pattern! The bigger red flag is that YOU still make excuses for him. We were seperated, in different states, he was drunk! Big deal! A lot of people go through those same issues and NEVER lie and cheat on their partners. It is disturbing that you make excuses for his behaviors.

    I could understand some women trying to get through 1 episode of the cheating H, but 3?? That is just unimaginable to me.

    You said it though it is your life and you want to be disrespected  like that no one can tell you different. You have made your choice to stay married to this boy and you choose to live in denial and disrespect. I can't believe that anyone would take your advice seriously...at least I hope not.

    Very few people make it through one episode of cheating...3...is just not in the cards.

    image
    Spring Break 2013
  • Wait, what? You've met them?! That is really, really odd. 

    I'm also curious how he's explained the second and third times he cheated. So, he was young, stupid, drunk and only sort of dating for the first one, but what about the others? Why didn't he come clean about the second time? How do you know there's not a fourth and a fifth that he hasn't told you about? Clearly your reaction after the first episode of cheating wasn't enough to keep him from doing it to you again. 

  • I understand where you are ALL coming from. Seriously, I've heard EVERYTHING you have all said before. Family, friends, everyone. It was a decision I made based on certain things. I know people who have been in my situation that have gone one way or another, you never know til you are in the situation what you would do. I said I would leave if he did again (after the first time) but I'm here, and because of things, that was my decision to make, maybe I'll regret it maybe I won't. Only time will tell. We have already done divorce papeper before so trust me, there are a lot of things that are "here in this subject" that I just haven't talked about that helped me make my decision.
  • So, how many times does he have to cheat on you before you decide to leave?
  • image mmedusa8:
    I didn't say I didn't blame. He was wrong. He was very wrong. It was three. i've met them. he is fully to blame. He was young and stupid when he did it the first time. I'm still not saying he isn't to blame. he was running with very bad crowds. And we were a few states away and sort of dating. So what he did when we were dating, hurt, but that isn't like we were fully committed in a marriage. That is such a worse feeling.

    But you are in a fully committed marriage now and he still did it.  Bliss is completely right.  I'm sure it is a much worse feeling when you're married.  But the fact that he did that to you three times, knowing how you would be hurt isn't right on any level and you deserve someone who would never even think about cheating on you.  That's what marriage is about, loving and trusting and respecting your spouse and never wanting to intentionally hurt them.

    I had a boyfriend in college do this to me and that hurt like hell.  I continued to take him back and it finally dawned on me that he was never going to stop doing it and that he did it because he didn't really love me and he didn't respect me.  Living like that isn't living at all and I'm so glad that I figured that out at 19.  My heart absolutely breaks for you and I really hope that you can read your posts as if your friend or sister was writing them and ask yourself what you would say to her if she were in your shoes. 

    The company that he was keeping has nothing to do with him cheating.  He chose to do that on his own.  No amount of alcohol in the world could make a committed man cheat.  Those are excuses that he's using to diffuse his own responsibility in this.  Please realize that. 

  • image smock.smock:

    Wait, what? You've met them?! That is really, really odd. 

    I'm also curious how he's explained the second and third times he cheated. So, he was young, stupid, drunk and only sort of dating for the first one, but what about the others? Why didn't he come clean about the second time? How do you know there's not a fourth and a fifth that he hasn't told you about? Clearly your reaction after the first episode of cheating wasn't enough to keep him from doing it to you again. 

    Yes met them. EX BEST friend introduced us all to each other. I'm not making excuses for him. what he did was horrible. I know. The first two were in the same week. That was 8 years ago. The third was last year. We have done plenty of counseling and still doing it, I know when he is lying. I confronted him about the third one. I know for a fact there isn't more. You can all think I'm stuoid or whatever and call me names, but it was my decision. Wow just to let OP know that it is possible for a marriage TO WORK. Look what happens. ANd here I thought, it was a good thing my marriage has taken a turn for the better.
  • It's been a year since the last time he cheated on you. I don't think you can really put your marriage in the "success" column yet.  

  • I never said that my marriage was in the "success" column, I said 'ANd here I thought, it was a good thing my marriage has taken a turn for the better." that says BETTER, not perfect. It is better than what it was 2 years ago. And that was before he cheated. i know one of the reasons he cheated, and I prefer not saying, just because I will probably get flamed more. We had Divorce papers, already signed, and he had been living elsewhere for months when he did sleep with the woman last year. We were ending the marriage. But whatever, thanks for everyone replying to me, even though I wasn't the OP. I have heard it all before. Thanks to those who realize my decision is MY decision.
  • image mmedusa8:
    I never said that my marriage was in the "success" column, I said 'ANd here I thought, it was a good thing my marriage has taken a turn for the better." that says BETTER, not perfect. It is better than what it was 2 years ago. And that was before he cheated. i know one of the reasons he cheated, and I prefer not saying, just because I will probably get flamed more. We had Divorce papers, already signed, and he had been living elsewhere for months when he did sleep with the woman last year. We were ending the marriage. But whatever, thanks for everyone replying to me, even though I wasn't the OP. I have heard it all before. Thanks to those who realize my decision is MY decision.

    You just on't get it do you? There ARE NO reasons to cheat. NO excuses to have sex with someone else.

    Of course it was YOUR choice, but I don't understand why it is so shocking to you that everyone that hears this story reacts the same way. Why is it so shocking that women are amazed at your lack of self respect and continual excuse making for this boy. It was your choice to stay and live a lifwe of fear and wonder...it is our choice to not be able in our wildest dreams comprehend it!

    image
    Spring Break 2013
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