Family Matters

sister-in-law won't move out

My fiance and I are having a huge disagreement about his sister.  He lives over an hour away and his sister moved in with him in December with the understanding that she needed to be out before the wedding.  I knew it would be an issue and told him that he should have given her a firm deadline.  I told him that I did not want to start our marriage living with his sister.  It is not healthy and I am marrying him, not his sister.  She is not a go getter and often depends or lets others do things for her.  She just graduated from college last May and has a steady and good paying job but no ambition.

My Fiance just told me that his sister is not moving out until after we get back from the honeymoon and will be living with us for awhile.  I am livid.  His sister decided there is only one apartment complex she wants to move into and its not available until after the wedding.  His mother complained about him kicking her out on the street with no place to go.  She has had almost 7 months to find a place and a family friend offered a room until her apartment was available.  His sister has decided that she doesn't want to live there and move twice.  She has been very inflexible about the situation and their mother is not helping either.

I am supposed to move my 1 bedroom condo into his house next month.  If her things are not gone, I essentially have to move twice.  I think the whole situation is wrong.  His mother and sister should not be making decisions about my life with my future husband.  Not only am I having to do lots of life changes (adjusting to married life, packing and moving, planning the wedding, finding a new job, etc.), but now they expect me to cater to his little sister who is a grown woman.

I have reached out to her by asking her to be a bridesmaid and tried to include her in things that involve the wedding (looking at invitations and lunches).  I spoke with a therapist who said this is not a healthy way to begin a marriage.  Am I being unreasonable by saying that she must be out and thats it?  

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Re: sister-in-law won't move out

  • His mother and sister should not be making decisions about my life with my future husband.

    they aren't. Your FI is.  He knows what his sister is like, he knew you didnt' want her to move in because of this exact situation, but yet he went along w/ it anyhow.

    You've got yourself an FI problem here! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Ok well you are probably going to get this response many times but here it  goes.

    No you absolutely are not unreasonable to ask that she be out by the time you are married.  However your anger is directed at the wrong people.  Your FIANCE is the one that you should be mad at.  Pretty much right now he is telling you " If I had to decide between making my mom and sister happy and making you happy, I am choosing them."  This is not husband material.  If he wanted her out she would go.  That is the truth of it. 

  • Well... you have two options.

    A) Get your FI to man up and kick her out by the previously stipulated deadline.

    B) Suffer through it.

     

    I'd also question marrying a man who has trouble standing up to his mom or sister.

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  • So, I am going to pretend like your FI's parents are like my husband's parents. My husband DOES ball up to his parents, they just don't listen or don't care because it is "better" that we are mad at them than Precious Sister.  It is your FI's living space so....he just needs to move all her sh!t to the curb.  She should get the point.
  • image EastCoastBride:

    His mother and sister should not be making decisions about my life with my future husband.

    they aren't. Your FI is.  He knows what his sister is like, he knew you didnt' want her to move in because of this exact situation, but yet he went along w/ it anyhow.

    You've got yourself an FI problem here! 

     This. Why are you purposely stepping into this ***? You know it is a mess and you continue to want to marry a man who cannot tell his sister pack up and get out. Red flag!! Don't cry a year from now that she is still there.

  • You can just opt not to marry him or move until she's out.
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  • I was thinking the same thing about him manning up.  I told him to grow some balls about this.  I never knew I was marrying some mama's boy.  We have been together almost 9 years and engaged for 2.  Never had a situation like this.  I am definetly directing anger toward him too.  His sister has also done other annoying things since she moved in that have to do with the wedding.  Complaining about bridesmaid dress and shoes, etc. and I told her that it wasn't up for discussion and it wasn't about her.  I hate his family put him in this situation and want to be as calm about it as possible.
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  • Personally, I'd put my move/wedding on hold until your FI holds up his end of the agreement.

    His response will let you know exactly where you stand in his life.

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  • His family didn't "put" him in this situation.  He put himself in this situation by not saying no.

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  • It is not unreasonable to say that she needs to be out by a certain date, no if's and's or but's. However, you need to prepare yourself for some pushback from your FI (b/c he'll hear it from Mom & Sis). If he does resist, what will you do then?

     

    If it were me, I'd rethink the marriage because this is the sort of thing that does not end once the wedding ring is put on his finger. 

  • imoanimoan
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments
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    You have a FI problem.  If you marry this pusseau, all your life decisions will be based on what his family wants.  Have fun with that!
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  • image dirtyred:

    Personally, I'd put my move/wedding on hold until your FI holds up his end of the agreement.

    His response will let you know exactly where you stand in his life.

    This, 100%.  Right now, he is choosing dear sister over you, my dear.  If she is there when you move in, and he is not making her move out, you can guarantee she'll still be living there for your 5-year anniversary.  NOPE.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • This is all his choice.  This is very telling of how you will be treated in the future.  Get ready for a life of being low on the totem pole. 
  • You both knew she was like this, and agreed to have her stay there anyway.

    Now, you're in this impossible situation where this entitled little b!tch is dragging her heels, and the mother is getting involved and making a bad situation worse. Sweetie, this is INSANE.

    You are not being unreasonable at all by wanting her to move out. I don't think your FI should have agreed to let her stay there to begin with...but what's done is done. He needs to grow a pair...YESTERDAY...and tell her to get out. His sister and mom are being manipulative. It's bs, and he needs to realize that. If he won't realize that, then you need to think long and hard about what you're marrying into...Good Luck. 

  • As pp said, this is totally a FI problem.  You are not being unreasonable by asking her to be out, but if you draw a line in the sand "she needs to be out by X date," you need to be prepared to follow through.
  • Definately a FI problem.  He NEEDS to get over this ridiculous guilt stuff that sis and mom are throwing at him because then they will manipulate him forever this way.  He needs to take a stand if you matter enough to him and because YOU are going to be his immediate family... he needs to see why this is wrong and then do something about it.  Take him to your counselor if he can't figure it out.... but if he doesn't stand up for you now, he never will.... and do you want to marry someone who is manipulated by their family this much???
    Jill * Married to Steven 11/9/03 * DS Samuel 4/4/05* DS #2 Jeffrey 6/13/2009
  • Thanks for all the advice.  I suggested that we meet with our pre-marital counselor again to discuss this.  I also told him that I don't feel comfortable moving into the situation and I am looking for alternatives for my life.
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  • image bhw5660:
    Thanks for all the advice.  I suggested that we meet with our pre-marital counselor again to discuss this.  I also told him that I don't feel comfortable moving into the situation and I am looking for alternatives for my life.

    Uhmm does this mean you told him you were willing to break up with him over this ?

  • I told him that if this is not resolved then I can't put myself in a situation like that.  Invitations were just sent last week.  I love him but I love myself more and won't be put 2nd or 3rd in his life.

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  • image bhw5660:

    I told him that if this is not resolved then I can't put myself in a situation like that.  Invitations were just sent last week.  I love him but I love myself more and won't be put 2nd or 3rd in his life.

    Good for you.  It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. 

  • image bhw5660:
    I told him that if this is not resolved then I can't put myself in a situation like that.  Invitations were just sent last week.  I love him but I love myself more and won't be put 2nd or 3rd in his life.

    *standing ovation*

     Good for you!  What did he say when you told him that?

  • I have already resigned from my job but they haven't found a replacement so I'm sure I could get it back.  I would prefer to crawl into a hole of embarrassment over a cancelled engagement then live with him being a punk.
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  • A good conversation starter about this might be to ask him how he's spoken about this to his sister.  I'll be dollars to donuts, when he's talking to YOU, he represents that his tone in the conversation was:

    "Sis -- NO JOKE!  You've GOT to be out by the wedding. No excuses!!"

    but the conversation probably went more like this:

    "Well, you know, it'd be cool if you can find a place to live before the wedding" and "well, mom, you know, I'D be fine with sis living here for a while, but bhw doesn't really want to start married life with a roommate, so I kinda have to go with that."

    I also wouldn't be shocked if he really doesn't think it would be all that bad to come back to the honeymoon and have sis living there still.  You probably feel stronger about it than he does and he's siding with his family!

  • image bhw5660:
    I have already resigned from my job but they haven't found a replacement so I'm sure I could get it back.  I would prefer to crawl into a hole of embarrassment over a cancelled engagement then live with him being a punk.

    Wow...I'm proud of you! Good for you! Smile

  • He says he understands and he wants to marry me, blah, blah, blah.  Actions speak louder than words.  He claims he is going to tell her that she needs to move out before the wedding and that its the only option.  I told him that either he can do it his way or I can do it and my way will not be pretty.
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  • i hope you mean it.

    What was his response?

    I was going to add to all the previous responses saying that you yourself are to blame if you go along with the plan. I am happy to see you are taking steps in the right direction.

    image
    Spring Break 2013
  • This is already bad news and a done deal, on his end.

    This jerk is putting his sister ahead of you.

    I suggest you run like the wind; let this little douche have his sister.

    This precisely:

    I spoke with a therapist who said this is not a healthy way to begin a marriage.  Am I being unreasonable by saying that she must be out and thats it?  

    Unhealthy indeed and NO, you are not bein unreasonable. 

    I suggest you cancel the wedding and move on. This guy's not a good bet for a marriage; he has no clue what a marriage dynamic consists of.

    She could move out in a second flat but the issue he has will remain: this guy's not fit for marriage in any size shape or form.

    I have already resigned from my job but they haven't found a replacement so I'm sure I could get it back.  I would prefer to crawl into a hole of embarrassment over a cancelled engagement then live with him being a punk

    I'd super stat call the boss and say you want your job back and why. RUn like hell and don't look back.

  • Remember marriage is about growth...together. He's been used to being with his mom and sister his whole life, so of course it's going to be hard on him. Especially with his mom being manipulative and breathing down his back...making him feel like he's going to "put her on the streets" if he kicks her out. Be supportive and help him through this.

    You certainly have the right to be frustrated. Keep talking to your FI about it - communication is key. He needs to put your first. Not that you are having doubts about your marriage, but you need to make sure with him that you are on the same page. If he can't do this for you now, how will it be in the future? By marrying you, he needs to understand that you will become his numero uno - pushing his mom and sis below you.

    Would it be possible to have a talk with him and his sister? That way you could say the things that he stumbles on and doesn't feel comfortable bringing up? If you do, it would be very important not to attack her...but play the part of wanting to have your alone time with you new hubby. And your FI needs to make it abundantly clear to her that he wants alone time too! I would think that any normal human being would feel uncomfortable living in a 1 bedroom? place with 2 newly weds. Tell her you have dreams of cooking naked and romping around doing whatever you want...make her see just how uncomfortable it could be. Then hopefully she will move on out! Preferably WEEKS before the wedding!

  • GOOD for you!!!!!!!!!  We rarely get to see a strong woman take a stand for herself here.  :) 

    hugs!

  • image scwheal1:

    Would it be possible to have a talk with him and his sister? That way you could say the things that he stumbles on and doesn't feel comfortable bringing up? If you do, it would be very important not to attack her...but play the part of wanting to have your alone time with you new hubby. And your FI needs to make it abundantly clear to her that he wants alone time too! I would think that any normal human being would feel uncomfortable living in a 1 bedroom? place with 2 newly weds. Tell her you have dreams of cooking naked and romping around doing whatever you want...make her see just how uncomfortable it could be. Then hopefully she will move on out! Preferably WEEKS before the wedding!

    I wasn't going to post because everyone said what I would have said...However I saw this.  I totally don't agree with it. It shouldn't be her responsibility to teach him to make her number one. That should be the reason why he's marrying her. Why would she have to speak for him, when he's a grown man.

    So in three years when his mommy or sister tells them that they have to do or can't do something it would be again her job to step up and tell her now in-laws not to rule her life bc the baby is too scared to man up. No-No-No.

    OP, get your job back. I'm not saying break up with him...that's your call, but I would call off the wedding. If you stay with him, at least wait until he grows up, otherwise... move on... more fish in the sea.

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