D.C. Area Nesties
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Non-clicky poll: How do you and DH make time for each other?

It has occurred to me before, and did again last night while collapsing into bed after a long business trip, that DH and I are very, very good at putting ourselves last.  And I suspect that I am worse about it than he is, since I've previously made a bad habit of putting myself last - now he gets thrown in with it, too.  I'm a total people-pleaser, and I suspect this has more than a little to do with it - I end up pleasing almost everyone else before me, and now, my husband.  So we both know that it's something we have to work on together because we don't want it to become "the way things are".  I also think this will be more important when we start to TTC next year, since it's really easy to do once you have little ones, from what I hear. 

Does anyone else do this to?  Anyone used to do it and got better?  I never mean to do it, but I know I do - so now I need some strategies for setting better boundaries with work, with volunteer activities, with work, with life in general, with work...  

Re: Non-clicky poll: How do you and DH make time for each other?

  • I don't think we were ever bad, but there came a point where we didn't make that effort to spend time together. Came home from work, watched tv, ate dinner, went to bed. Repeat.

    Don't get me wrong, we still do this quite a bit, but we've been better recently and I notice an improvement in communication and my overall happiness.

    Lately we've: gone downtown and spent the day exploring new things; gone on walks with the dogs; gone roller blading (with and without dogs); thrown the baseball around; cooked together and more.

    They seem like little things, but they make a difference! And the way we make sure we do it is set up a time once a month (at least) to do something new with each other. Ours will include getaway trips to nearby cities, but yours don't have to.  That ensures we get away from everything! We also use the excuse that playing sports, walking and roller blading are good for our health. Two birds with one stone!
     

    DD 1.18.2012
  • I think DH and I are a little different in that we commute together. So we get up at the same time, get ready together, leave together. At the end of the day, we meet up, go to the gym together, and then run errands (we even grocery shop together) and go home. Granted, like pp said, that doesn't mean we always spend quality time together - a lot of nights it's us sitting in the living room with our laptops out and the TV on.

    A couple of things we try to do:

    1. This was instigated by DH - no TV on during dinner. Instead, while we're getting it ready, we have music on, which we leave on during dinner so we actually talk. It gets us to slow down and relax and concentrate on each other.
    2. Date nights - these don't happen that often, but maybe once a month or so we'll go out and get dinner, sometime see a movie. Other times we'll do something touristy - we went and saw the cherry blossoms a few weeks ago, and after our last dinner date we went down to the Jefferson Memorial. We go to Nats games, stuff like that.
    3. Going on walks together - sometimes on the weekend when we don't feel like going to the gym, we'll go down to Sligo Creek or walk up to the farmer's market.
    It seems like you have a lot more going on, though - my work schedule is fairly regular, and we don't have a lot of activities going on other than gym and hanging out with friends. DH used to do softball with a couple of teams in the summer and soccer in the winter, but he's cut back because he'd rather spend time with me :-)
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12

    baby blog/cooking blog
    Follow Me on Pinterest

  • I agree with the pp - set aside time to spend together. Go on walks, walk around downtown, have a date night, etc.

    DH and I are notorious for putting our relationship last. DH works insane hours so he's never really around (i.e. he comes home when i'm asleep, and I leave for work when he's asleep) but when its his days off, I put everything I need to do aside, in order to reconnect.

     And on
  • I agree with the pp - set aside time to spend together. Go on walks, walk around downtown, have a date night, etc.

    DH and I are notorious for putting our relationship last. DH works insane hours so he's never really around (i.e. he comes home when i'm asleep, and I leave for work when he's asleep) but when its his days off, I put everything I need to do aside, in order to reconnect.

     
  • image tomandcourt:

    I think DH and I are a little different in that we commute together. So we get up at the same time, get ready together, leave together. At the end of the day, we meet up, go to the gym together, and then run errands (we even grocery shop together) and go home. Granted, like pp said, that doesn't mean we always spend quality time together - a lot of nights it's us sitting in the living room with our laptops out and the TV on.

    T&C...this makes me feel better as DH and I are EXACTLY this. We carpool together until i take the metro in, so we do a lot together but in the same vein don't do THINGS together. i am trying to make an effort of planning things for US to do versus "let's get a whole group together and do XYZ"

    we have randomly gone to Cava for dinner as it is close to our house and have had a great time just sitting, drinking wine and talking. now that our patio is cleaned off from winter junk and the weather is getting nicer we want to sit out in the patio more and chill out.

    this is somethign we are really trying to get better at before we decide to have kids.

  • All great ideas, thanks! 

    We commute together, which I'm really grateful for because although we often just listen to NPR and discuss what we're hearing on the news, we do also get the chance to talk, like we did this morning about this very issue.  I think what we're most guilty of is the sitting in front of the TV watching movies/sitting glued to our laptops thing, so we're in the same room, but we're not really connecting.  Then we're just tired and go to sleep, if we don't fall asleep on the couch.  Which is definitely not healthy, in many senses of the word.

    Like Mrs.Sstrug said, this is something we want to be better about before we start trying to have kids - it won't get easier after they come!

  • DH and I spend a lot of time together.  Some of it quality, some of it not so much. We try to have date nights every once in awhile. I love taking the dog for a long walk and just chatting with DH. Sometimes we'll hang out in the hot tub with a cocktail and just chat. And sometimes it's just snuggling on the couch and watching a movie.

     I think it's hard to make time in what is probably an already hectic schedule.  I think it takes a bit of work and involves saying no sometimes even when you feel slightly bad about it. I also think that managing your work load is a must. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think what happens is that we go through the basic steps of day to day life and just take each other for granted. I am just as guilty of it. when we do something that is QUALITY time it reminds us that hey this is fun, we should do this more often.

    We listen to the Junkies in the morning and laugh about the various antics on there so that is fun and I have gotten creative with how to use the time. I have taken cookbooks in the car and filled them with post-its of things I would like to try and ask him if he thinks it sounds good.

    DH likes to watch sports, A LOT so after we get home from the gym, we usually split with him in the basement and me upstairs on the computer or whatever. We got a wireless router for the laptop giving us an internet connection downstairs, which has made a HUGE difference.

     

  • image tomandcourt:

    A couple of things we try to do:

    1. This was instigated by DH - no TV on during dinner. Instead, while we're getting it ready, we have music on, which we leave on during dinner so we actually talk. It gets us to slow down and relax and concentrate on each other.
    2. Date nights - these don't happen that often, but maybe once a month or so we'll go out and get dinner, sometime see a movie. Other times we'll do something touristy - we went and saw the cherry blossoms a few weeks ago, and after our last dinner date we went down to the Jefferson Memorial. We go to Nats games, stuff like that.
    3. Going on walks together - sometimes on the weekend when we don't feel like going to the gym, we'll go down to Sligo Creek or walk up to the farmer's market.

    This is very similar to us. No TV during dinner (save for the occassional Friday night eat on the couch splurge), dinner out every two-ish weeks, other dates in there sometimes (something we should do more--we have it built into the budget and rarely tap into the money), going for walks or yard sale-ing or going to the FM are my favorite things to do, though theyare seasonal. We also are in a weekly small group/Bible study with other couples our age and that scheduled time together and an enviornment that has us really talking and engaging has been wonderful, even though we are in very different places when it comes to religion.

    From loss and infertility to two under two!

    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/ti

    ckers/generated_tickers/z/zekup8c3h.png[/IMG][/URL]
    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/ti

    ckers/generated_tickers/t/t8qsp5014.png[/IMG][/URL]





    MoreGreenForLessGreen Living more eco-friendly for less

    money.
  • DH and I are pretty good about it, even though he works odd hours 4:30 am to 12:30 pm.  So during the week, after I get home from work...we only have a few hours together before he has to go to bed.

     We have date night every Friday.  We travel a lot...most times for pleasure...but he'll also join me on business trips sometimes.  When its warm, we go bike riding in our neighborhood.

  • You're not alone, alg!

    I think we really struggle with this. When I get home at 7:00, it's cook dinner, eat dinner, and basically go to bed. Sometimes, we fit in a quick run with the dog, but we don't even have time for the gym other than on the weekends (closest stupid Golds Gym is 20 minutes away, which we quickly point out to each other when deciding not to go). And with a dog with horrible separation anxiety, we don't think it's really fair when he's alone 12 hours a day to then go to the gym during the week or out to dinner EVER. We feel quite homebound, or at least I do. Weekends included.

    DH's first instinct when he gets home from work is to turn on Law & Order reruns while I cook dinner, we have gotten bad about eating dinner in front of said L&O reruns, and then I'm on the laptop while he does the dishes, and then we try to go to bed at 10:00.

    Anyway, just commiserating. We need to change some things, but I feel like we can't change much (other than the TV thing). Not enough hours in the day or something. Blah.

  • One of our problems is that I will make suggestions for things to do together, and DH will sort of scoff at them.  But, he has no better suggestion.  So, we spend a lot of weekends just sitting around and doing nothing.

    Finally, a few weeks ago, I just went ballistic... "OMG, IF I HAVE TO SIT AROUND THIS HOUSE ONE MORE FVCKING WEEKEND....I SWEAR I'M GOING TO GO NUTS!!!"  There was storming around.  There was pouting.  And, after about 2 hours, he suggested - "well, let's go to the Cherry Blossom Festival"...  I about fell over.  He hasn't wanted to go in the entire 6 years we've been together.  So, we went.  And, guess what?  He had fun.

    Now, once our overscheduled May is done, we'll be going on more little family excursions like that.  And, some days, we'll probably even get a babysitter and go ourselves.

    NestBaby Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We're really lucky because we like a lot of the same things. We like to mountain bike, bike around our neighborhood, we like a lot of the same kinds of movies, Rock Band, going to museums, travel, so we can always find something to do together and it doesn't require a lot of coaxing on either person's part.

    During the week, since he lost his job, we've been staying in more to save money, but we usually are both into some TV series we're watching on Netflix (The Wire lately!) so that's fun time together for us. He's also taught me how to play chess so we do that usually one night a week to get us away from the TV. The only thing I don't like is that we don't go to sleep together. He's a total night owl and is often up writing/applying for jobs until 2-3am. But that's a minor thing.

    I think the fact that we're so at ease with each other is a big reason why having kids scares me a little. Because we're so good together I feel like throwing a whole other dependent human being into the mix would mess it up somehow. We both want kids but it's hard not to feel like we might change up a good thing.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image crazyDCbride:

    One of our problems is that I will make suggestions for things to do together, and DH will sort of scoff at them.  But, he has no better suggestion.  So, we spend a lot of weekends just sitting around and doing nothing.

    THIS is my husband. Drives me crazy!!! Fortunately, he usually doesn't pull this stunt as much when the weather's nice.

  • This is something we're working on also.  We put ourselves and each other last just because we're so busy doing work, and DH has his side job business.  Something we started because of our commutes is calling each other and talking about our days and what's on our minds when we leave work since we both leave about the same time.  We both don't get home until about 7:00 so whoever gets home first is then starts dinner or picks something up.

    We also try to do a movie night once a week, and we plan in advance based on DH's work schedule with side jobs and what he's doing with his riding.  This consists of order pizza or chinese and turning off cell phones. We also set aside one night a week to pay bills together and go through house hold stuff in the same room together and discuss that kind of thing together.

     

    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt147797.aspx[/img][/url]
  • I almost skipped this post because I didn't think I had any answers. I'm glad I didn't because reading through the replies makes me realize that we do spend a lot of time together, although it is usually with Troy, too.

    Before Troy, we used to go out to dinner every Friday night and that was always great to catch up on things - away from the tv, phone and internet. We don't get to do that alone anymore (we haven't gotten to the point where we can get a babysitter really because of Troy's issues). We don't even get to sit down and watch tv together, which used to be our time, too. We do catch up and talk about things as we do other things, though and the other replies made me realize that - while making dinner, when we take walks on the weekends, getting ready for work, since he works from home and I go in late. And when Troy naps on Saturday afternoon, we have started watching Lost together and just sitting and not doing anything else - it is pretty much the only time all week that we do that anymore. So don't discount sitting in front of the tv watching the same show together too much - if you don't ever get to do it, you would probably miss it, too.

    I do miss the just-the-2-of-us time, but the 3-of-us time can be pretty awesome, too! My picture of us as a family isn't exactly the way I imagined, but when we are all playing together and laughing (which we do a lot), there isn't anywhere else I'd rather be.

  • With two kids it's REALLY tough, so I appreciate all the responses to this poll, so thanks for all these replies... it's tough to focus on each other when we have work obligations, neverending projects around the house, and kids.
    Wife, Musician, Fed, WW-er, and Mom of three little kids - not necessarily in that order.
  • image wellesleywife:
    image crazyDCbride:

    One of our problems is that I will make suggestions for things to do together, and DH will sort of scoff at them.  But, he has no better suggestion.  So, we spend a lot of weekends just sitting around and doing nothing.

    THIS is my husband. Drives me crazy!!! Fortunately, he usually doesn't pull this stunt as much when the weather's nice.

    Me too! Now, who has a solution?

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards