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Wedding invitations

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate board for this question...

I received an invitation to a wedding shower in April for a friend of mine who's an old co-worker. The invitation was from her mom for a shower that's taking place about 3 weeks from now. Why I was struck by this is because I haven't received an invitation to the wedding that's taking place over Memorial Day weekend 2016, just about 2 months from now. I'm honestly not sure if I'm invited to the wedding since we're friends, but not as close as we were when we worked together. I've assumed I wasn't invited since weddings are super expensive and I'm not family or a lifelong friend (I'm perfectly fine with that.) I assumed the brides mom got my info from another party my friend hosted (she sells those diet drinks) and assumed those were also wedding guests.

Anyway long story short, I'm trying to make plans for Memorial Day weekend and I don't know if I'm invited to this wedding or not. Should I have an invitation by now? I don't want to be a jerk and say "hey am I invited?", in case I'm not, that's really putting the bride and groom on the spot. Assuming the shower is a surprise, I don't think the bride knows I got this shower invitation and I don't want to get her mom in trouble either. I'll send a gift either way. I'd say it's not a huge deal I can wait a little longer, but DH and I typically host a BBQ that weekend, and he works a lot of weekends so we don't have flexibility to move it around a wedding at the last minute. Also, if DH is working the day of the wedding he needs a lot of notice to try and get a trade since it's a holiday weekend and no one will want to trade. I could go alone, but I won't know anyone else. Should I just make plans and say I can't go if I do get a last minute invitation or wait in hopes that I am in fact invited and invitations are just slow to get out. Thanks for your advice.

Re: Wedding invitations

  • I think it would be weird to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. But, I don't think you can ask if you're invited to the wedding. You could ask, I just don't think it would be appropriate manner-wise.

    Either go to the shower or don't and make your Memorial weekend plans either way. You shouldn't hold up your life for someone else who isn't close to you.

  • I am guessing that invitations for a memorial day weekend wedding would be sent at the start of next week.

    Maybe just send a gift to the shower -- find something inexpensive on the registry. Or give a gift card.
  • Ok that makes sense. I got married 5.5 years ago and used a company for my invitations so I don't know what the appropriate timeline is. I think I figured a holiday weekend wedding might go out a little earlier since people want to travel. Thanks for your help!
  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    Well, as you arent' close to her and don't expect to be invited, do you actually want to GO to the wedding?  Remember, it's an invitation, not a subpoena.  If you'd rather move ahead and make your plans, then do so and just decline the invitation when it comes. 

    For the fact you won't even know anyone else there, even if your DH went with you - I don't know that I'd want to spend my holiday weekend that way vs having our annual BBQ! 


  • The appropriate time to send out wedding invitations is 6-8 weeks before the event.  So, at this point, it would actually be a little soon for you all to have the invitation yet anyway.

    It would be very rude to invite you to the shower and not to the wedding but, if you ever spent time reading the Etiquette posts on  The Knot, people do rude stuff all the time either because they don't know any better or don't care.  Especially if the shower is a surprise, like the impression you got, the bride's mother might not have been as diligent as she should have been to only issue invites to people who are receiving wedding invites.  Or, you are getting an invite anyway.

    I agree it would be awkward to ask...even though I would assume a wedding invitation was coming.  If it were me, I'd go to the shower (if I wanted to).  Then, when I get the wedding invitation, if it works out with my plans than great.  If it doesn't, or my H can't get off work and I don't want to go alone, then I'd politely decline.

    Personally, if I normally host a Memorial Day BBQ, that sounds more fun anyway and I'd just decline when I got the invite.  That's one of the hazards couples face when they have their wedding over a holiday weekend, many guests might already have standing, year after year plans for those times.

    @VOR has the perfect, good old chestnut of advice.  It's an invitation, not a subpoena.  And while I certainly understand the motivation of wanting to accept invitations that are given to me, I wouldn't want to hold up or give up other plans I usually have.

  • Thank you for the advice ladies. I'm friends with the officiant who told me "I'm invited to the wedding", invitations just aren't in the mail. Apparently she asked as she wanted to plan a small Bachelorette with our former work group of friends, but only with invited wedding guests to not be rude to those who aren't invited to the wedding

    I know you don't have to go to a wedding if you get an invitation, esp if it's on a holiday weekend, I guess I'm just half honored she chose me with a limited budget and half feel guilty not going since that held up a seat someone else could have had, but I never got a save the date to plan around this wedding. Without asking the officiant I still wouldn't know the exact day of the wedding. I'll talk to DH about our plans and see if we want to move our BBQ or skip the wedding and keep our long standing tradition since he won't know anyone but the bride, and that's a lose connection to begin with since she was my friend from work.


  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
     I guess I'm just half honored she chose me with a limited budget and half feel guilty not going since that held up a seat someone else could have had, 


    Don't overthink it, though.  Who knows why she made the choices she made as far as her guest list goes.  Yes, it's nice that she included you but at the same time - I would expect that SHE expects that some people won't be able to come, especially as it's Memorial Day weekend.

    Heck, she may have skipped STDs on purpose and is waiting until 6 weeks specifically hoping that some people won't be able to come! 

    But this is overthinking it too and in the end, just determine if you want to go for yourself.  Don't worry about her motives or thought process.  Does it work for you and your DH or not?  No harm in RSVPing "no". 
  • VOR said:
    Don't overthink it, though.  Who knows why she made the choices she made as far as her guest list goes.  Yes, it's nice that she included you but at the same time - I would expect that SHE expects that some people won't be able to come, especially as it's Memorial Day weekend.

    Heck, she may have skipped STDs on purpose and is waiting until 6 weeks specifically hoping that some people won't be able to come! 

    But this is overthinking it too and in the end, just determine if you want to go for yourself.  Don't worry about her motives or thought process.  Does it work for you and your DH or not?  No harm in RSVPing "no". 
    I've had that thought. As I said we're not super close. Our group of friends from work gets together once maybe every 2 months, but in the last 6 to 8 it's been less frequent than that. At those dinners I've talked to her and the FI about the wedding, no mention of a STD for that date. The only thing I could think of with that is other friends/coworkers at the dinners weren't invited to the wedding, but why not follow up with a private message or text the next day if I was always on the list? We've had group chats about wedding music and honeymoon plans, again a perfect time to say don't forget to save the holiday date.

    I did end up getting the formal invitation last night, I feel a little bad if I am a B-list choice to spend so much money on a nice invitation, but if you're really looking for another gift without me filling a seat then that's what you get.

    Thanks again for all of your feedback, I don't feel as guilty now.
  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    dutchgirl76 said:

    At those dinners I've talked to her and the FI about the wedding, no mention of a STD for that date. The only thing I could think of with that is other friends/coworkers at the dinners weren't invited to the wedding, but why not follow up with a private message or text the next day if I was always on the list? We've had group chats about wedding music and honeymoon plans, again a perfect time to say don't forget to save the holiday date.

    I did end up getting the formal invitation last night, I feel a little bad if I am a B-list choice to spend so much money on a nice invitation, but if you're really looking for another gift without me filling a seat then that's what you get.

    Thanks again for all of your feedback, I don't feel as guilty now.
    Again- don't overthink.  She may not have said anything about the actual invitations because she just doesn't want to be overly obnoxious or feel she's putting you on the spot. 

    And dont' worry about the cost of the invitation and whether or not your A list or B list.  She came up with her guest list, you're on it - period.  Don't try to second guess motivations!  OR her budget, for that matter. 

    Appreciate that you were invited and then decide if you want to go or not. 
    short+sassy
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