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Widowed and Confused


Hey all. I'm in an incredibly difficult situation for me. My husband died of alcoholism about four months ago. My husband was very abusive during the last six or eight months of our marriage because of the alcohol. After he died, in November, his best friend and business partner really stepped up to help me keep our business going. He also would spend nights with me (on the couch) to make sure I was ok. He has been kinder and nicer than my husband ever was, he is wonderful with my kids (I have a son who is 22 and a daughter who is 19- my husband had no time for them at all, he wanted then just GONE from our lives which I didn't agree to, but I am ashamed to say that I allowed them to move out to stop the conflict). Long story short, I'm falling in love with this guy. He's funny, he's smart, he's easy to get along with, he makes me feel good. Unfortunately, over the weekend, we were drinking and I blurted out my feelings for him. If I could have scooped the words out of the air, I would have. Time doesn't work that way, so he heard every humiliating word out of my face. He was very gracious, he was very understanding, he was not in agreement with how I felt. He said that I was his best friend's wife. However, I get signs and signals that he may feel the same as me. It's a horribly confusing situation. This guy is everything I wanted my husband to be. Is this just a reaction to my husband's death, or do I really feel this way? I feel a great deal of physical attraction between us, but I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Please help me make sense of this. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I'm falling in love with him. I don't know how to handle this.

Re: Widowed and Confused

  • I think right now it's too soon for both of you. He's there because he's a good best friend to your husband and is looking out for you to make sure you are ok. Even if he has feelings for you he isn't going to act upon them because he feels like doing that would be betraying his friendship to your husband.

    My advice is that right now you need to focus on you. You may want to consider going into counseling or at the least go to alanon to help deal with the issues of how your husband treated you. You need to do things to make yourself happy & rebuild a relationship with yourself and a new normal for you and your kids. I know they don't live with you anymore, but it's time to reconnect with them and build a new type of relationship with them. Take time to explore this new life & new freedom you have. The freedom being a life without living with an abusive alcoholic. Make a list of things you always wanted to do but couldn't or wouldn't do because of your husband. Write down things no matter how small or big they are from reading books on a regular basis, going to an art class or traveling to specific location.

    So in the meantime, enjoy & appreciate the friendship you have with him. When you start exploring new things, if you want, invite him along occasionally, but make sure you do some things by yourself. The important thing now is to create a new & happy life for yourself. Once you are in a better place emotionally & more time has gone by, he may be willing to explore his feelings more for you. And heck, if he doesn't, you are out enjoying your life, and you never know who else you may meet along the way.

    My life motto while I was single was live life doing things that made me happy. If I met someone while I was doing something I enjoyed, great, we have that thing in common. If I don't meet anyone, that's okay because I'm doing things that make me happy. I made some really good friends doing this. And I did meet my husband while doing one of the activities that make me happy.


    VOR
  • edited March 2016
    Satter said:

    Hey all. I'm in an incredibly difficult situation for me. My husband died of alcoholism about four months ago. My husband was very abusive during the last six or eight months of our marriage because of the alcohol. After he died, in November, his best friend and business partner really stepped up to help me keep our business going. He also would spend nights with me (on the couch) to make sure I was ok. He has been kinder and nicer than my husband ever was, he is wonderful with my kids (I have a son who is 22 and a daughter who is 19- my husband had no time for them at all, he wanted then just GONE from our lives which I didn't agree to, but I am ashamed to say that I allowed them to move out to stop the conflict). Long story short, I'm falling in love with this guy. He's funny, he's smart, he's easy to get along with, he makes me feel good. Unfortunately, over the weekend, we were drinking and I blurted out my feelings for him. If I could have scooped the words out of the air, I would have. Time doesn't work that way, so he heard every humiliating word out of my face. He was very gracious, he was very understanding, he was not in agreement with how I felt. He said that I was his best friend's wife. However, I get signs and signals that he may feel the same as me. It's a horribly confusing situation. This guy is everything I wanted my husband to be. Is this just a reaction to my husband's death, or do I really feel this way? I feel a great deal of physical attraction between us, but I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Please help me make sense of this. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I'm falling in love with him. I don't know how to handle this.
    Way too soon and you are way too vulnerable.

    Having this guy as a platonic friend, though, is a great idea.

    I very strongly suggest counseling for yourself --  this is a pressure cooker that you were in; it isn"t good for you to not have somebody to talk to where you can offload how you feel --- you need to heal from a bad marriage.

    Staying away from situations where you drink a bit too much is a good idea. Alcohol is a truth serum....plus you do not want to scare the guy off as a friend --- signs and signals? You may be interpreting them wrong.

    Keep this gent int he mix for things like a movie night, somebody to talk to, for when you're invited somewhere and you'd like to have an "autodate" to attend with you.
  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    Yeah, ditto both of the previous posters.  It's too early and you're too confused.  he SEEMS like the perfect guy because he's not your DH.  You've got to give yourself distance and focus on YOU.

    moving from a bad marriage, then a death, and into a new relationship this quickly.....  no, no, no, no, no.

    There are a HOST of reasons why you need to spend time on YOU and YOU alone.  You need counseling.  You've got to deal w/ the abuse issues and with the decisions you made w/in your marriage, you need to deal with his death.  And, again, you need to deal with YOU.

    Now is not the time to get involved with this guy.

    I'd tell him "thank you " for all his help but that right now, you need some space and time.  Admit that you're confused.  Admit that you may have spoken out of turn.  And as such, you need to focus on you and you need ot not have him around so that you can focus on yourself. 
    short+sassy
  • Satter: It is easy to have confusing feelings during this time.  My late husband died when he was 41; he was a good man and good to me! When he was only gone about 3 months I found that I was interested in a bachelor from our church, that I had been acquainted with for several years. Any attention he gave me sent me into a tailspin emotionally! When you are a new widow it is a constant roller coaster of emotions. I had two kids at home 11 and 18 years old - we needed to take some time to adjust to our "new normal".
    If the feelings for your friend continue and are sincere, then time will not change that - and it will give you both a time to grieve your loss. S-L-O-W is the encouragement I would give you!  By the way, a year and a half later... I married my church friend. I am praying for you as you go through this time.
    Redsheart_7
    short+sassy
  • vlagrl35vlagrl35
    500 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited May 2016
    Don't usually post on this board but I went thru a similar situation back in 2007.  My then H was a cocaine addict - verbal and mental abusive.  I left our house in fear and moved back in with my parents while we hashed everything out.  6 months later I realized he wasn't changing so I flied divorce and just a few months later he passed away in our home from cocaine overdose.  No one was there when it happened.  Personally I had pulled myself away from that marriage months before it even left.  I was grieving our marriage before I even left.  While we were separated for those 6 months before death I was still grieving it.  When I filed for divorce I was 100% ready to move on and take care of myself.  Then when he passed I then grieved his death.  I then was a widow and had to take care of his estate which I finished in 6 months.  About 8 months after he passed I met my now DH.  I was still going thru some things emotionally even though I felt ready to date.  11 months later he proposed and 4 months later we were married.  So all in all I was grieving lots of stuff for over a year by the time we started dating.  You may need a bit of time I agree with BUT its still ok to be nervous when you do start dating again.  DH is everything I wanted in a man back then and I appreciate it so much more now and am grateful for what i have now.
    short+sassy
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